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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - should I cancel appointment to attend funeral?

77 replies

Sandyseagul · 13/10/2021 17:51

Really not sure if my judgment is being clouded by the stress of TTC and I’m being totally unreasonable or not.

We have a fertility appointment booked later this month (been booked for 3 months and already moved once). We’ve been TTC for 12 months with no luck, I’m quite worried there may be something wrong as there’s no obvious reasons why we haven’t conceived (both healthy, no medical issues we know of etc)

Unfortunately a relative of a friend has passed away, and the funeral is on the same day as the appointment. Husband wants me to cancel the appointment so we can attend funeral, I want to keep the appointment. Not sure if it’s relevant but funeral would be a 10 hour round trip, not local at all. And would involve at least 1 nightmare stay so couldn’t do both. Husband thinks I’m being unreasonable as we obviously won’t get another opportunity to go to the funeral and we could move the appointment although it would probably be another couple of months to get another one.

DH has pissed me off as he seems oblivious as to how worried I am and how much I’ve been focusing on the date for the appointment so we can at least make some progress with things one way or another. He’s treating it as if it’s a hair or nail appointment and means nothing, which I don’t think is helping.

AIBU? Should I be moving the appointment?

OP posts:

SunshineCake1 · 13/10/2021 18:38

I think you have to move the appointment but if it is a case of you don't get offered another if you change again then dh has to decide if he wants to TTC more than go to a funeral. Is the funeral more important than the chance for a baby.

Is it possible you could go to the clinic on your own or are you both needed?

Good luck with the appointment.

gogohm · 13/10/2021 18:38

If you are early 30's I would postpone the appointment, a few weeks won't make a difference (if you were 43 it's quite different)

3totheright4totheleft · 13/10/2021 18:41

You should definitely both go. If it's a preliminary investigation into infertility they will be seriously unimpressed if your DH doesn't go (this happened to me, DP couldn't walk at the time, and I still got shamed by the doctor). The friend may be temporarily disappointed over the funeral but will get over it if they're a good friend. My cousin didn't make it to DM's funeral on a far flimsier basis, but we got over it!

helpfulperson · 13/10/2021 18:43

I think it sounds like a mismatch in how important you see this appointment as. To you it would be a major set back to cancel whereas to him its something that can easily be postponed. I don't think either of you are unreasonable just on different pages.

CityMumma78 · 13/10/2021 18:44

I would go to your appointment! It’s the funeral of a friend’s grandmother so no I wouldn’t cancel my much awaited and longed for appointment for that!

Aquamarine1029 · 13/10/2021 18:48

I can't believe how ridiculous your husband is. Missing an important appointment for the funeral of a friend's grandmother that's hours and hours away? That's absurd. Your husband can attend the funeral, you go to the appointment.

WakeMeUpin22 · 13/10/2021 18:49

Yabu. I think you should more your appointment and support your husband while he is supporting his best friend.

I can understand if you were TTC for several years but one year is no time at all and a GP wouldn't even entertain the idea of looking into fertility until its been two years - you probably know this, hence going private.

Notaroadrunner · 13/10/2021 18:49

Your Dh is being unreasonable. He can visit the family the following week. It's not as if he will get to spend much time with them at the funeral anyway and a 10 hour round trip is a bit much to expect anyone to do, let alone a non relative.

icedcoffees · 13/10/2021 18:52

I would go to the appointment - he can attend the funeral.

Original poster

Sandyseagul · 13/10/2021 18:57

I think the other issue from my DH’s perspective is we haven’t told anyone we are TTC or that we have this appointment so in theory we don’t really have an excuse. Unless we tell them which I don’t really want to do.

OP posts:

SunshineCake1 · 13/10/2021 18:59

You don't owe anyone an explanation. Prior engagement you can't miss is sufficient. Don't be bullied into saying more than you want.

Stufio · 13/10/2021 19:24

Could you ask if the appointment could be done via zoom or Skype and then you could still have it whilst travelling?

C8H10N4O2 · 13/10/2021 19:31

@Sandyseagul

Nonetheless everyone knows the nightmare of NHS and even private wait lists for some conditions at the moment. You could say its a long waited appointment and you risk losing your slot perfectly truthfully without sharing the details.

It makes sense that DH would want to go if close to the family, its not unreasonable for you to prioritise the appointment if you were not so close and they already have a lot of support.

Bigger issue might be his reluctance to pursue potential fertility treatment.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/10/2021 19:34

It appears your DH views her more as a grandmother than a friends grandmother, so he is probably going as much for himself as for the friend. If someone I viewed as akin to a grandmother passed I would certainly want to go to the funeral, even if it involved a long trip and a missed appointment.

mongoosebaby · 13/10/2021 19:44

What a nightmare. Don't forget if you need an excuse for missing it- you are waiting for PCR results with symptoms

CraftyGin · 13/10/2021 19:46

Relative of a friend is quite a distant connection, coupled with a 10 hour trip.

Are they streaming the service?

WhiskyXray · 13/10/2021 19:50

One year? Early thirties?

I don't blame him for not stressing yet... but I would go to the appointment.

Maskless · 13/10/2021 19:51

Your husband can go, and at the same time represent you.

If anyone asks he should say you had a medical appointment, which had already been deferred once. No details.

The person whose funeral it is, is dead. They won't know if you are there or not. Say a prayer for them on your own later in the day if you like.

RunningToHeaven · 13/10/2021 19:52

His friends grandmother, no. I think your appointment is the priority unless you can rearrange it for very soon, which doesn’t seem likely.

HairyScaryMonster · 13/10/2021 19:53

I’d only go if I had a close relationship with the grandma myself and wanted to give my respects rather than support the friend.

Dalooah · 13/10/2021 19:59

Been your TTC situation- not involving a funeral though.

My first instinct would be to go to the appointment. But if your DH isn't on board you'll struggle to get anywhere productive. Maybe find out when the appointment could be rescheduled to- if it's a few weeks away, as much as you're yearning for the appointment I'd change it and then do both. Might give you time to get DH on board with the possibility that something is wrong and you might need intervention. TTC with infertility (if that's the case) is rough and you'll both need to be on the same page. No point him being more resentful of the situation if you'll miss the funeral and in general fertility appointments need both partners present.

Also, no one needs to know you're TTC. We've had multiple rounds of treatments and no one's the wiser. If you do end up keeping the appointment you can say you've got a medical appointment if you want but no further details or 'an appointment' usually works too.

One last though, when we got given 'official' appointments one very helpful receptionist said we could just keep calling (I did daily as I was desperate!) to check for cancellations and for one round we were at the point of having an embryo transferred before the official appointment we were sent- because someone cancelled their appointment for the next day and I called at the right time. So maybe your clinic will let you call to check for cancellations?

RandomUsernameHere · 13/10/2021 20:01

I would find out what the options are for moving the appointment first. There might be another slot available at short notice due to cancellation.

FWBNC · 13/10/2021 20:05

One year in your early 30's? I'm not surprised he's not as worried a you are.

You're a paying client, it's not NHS, moving the appointment isn't that big a deal.

Going to the funeral of someone in a family he sees as his family isn't something you can do next month instead.

Support your DH in this. Don't buy into the 'is he that bothered about having kids' narrative, just because he's not panicking about it after a few months of 'trying'

Sally872 · 13/10/2021 20:23

I would go to funeral. Not for a friends gran. But for a family who are like my own family I would want to go to say my own goodbyes and to show respect/support.

I can understand why you don't want to cancel though, but I don't think dh is unreasonable to want to go.

Doubledoorsontogarden · 13/10/2021 20:33

Call and change the appointment

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