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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - should I cancel appointment to attend funeral?

77 replies

Sandyseagul · 13/10/2021 17:51

Really not sure if my judgment is being clouded by the stress of TTC and I’m being totally unreasonable or not.

We have a fertility appointment booked later this month (been booked for 3 months and already moved once). We’ve been TTC for 12 months with no luck, I’m quite worried there may be something wrong as there’s no obvious reasons why we haven’t conceived (both healthy, no medical issues we know of etc)

Unfortunately a relative of a friend has passed away, and the funeral is on the same day as the appointment. Husband wants me to cancel the appointment so we can attend funeral, I want to keep the appointment. Not sure if it’s relevant but funeral would be a 10 hour round trip, not local at all. And would involve at least 1 nightmare stay so couldn’t do both. Husband thinks I’m being unreasonable as we obviously won’t get another opportunity to go to the funeral and we could move the appointment although it would probably be another couple of months to get another one.

DH has pissed me off as he seems oblivious as to how worried I am and how much I’ve been focusing on the date for the appointment so we can at least make some progress with things one way or another. He’s treating it as if it’s a hair or nail appointment and means nothing, which I don’t think is helping.

AIBU? Should I be moving the appointment?

OP posts:

NeverDropYourMooncup · 13/10/2021 20:42

As it's private, I'd move the appointment in the circumstances.

Figgyboa · 13/10/2021 20:56

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. I can see why the appointment is important to you but 12 months TTC isn't that long in the scheme of things so I can see why your DH thinks you can wait.
I can see why the funeral is important to him, they sound like they we're a second family to him.
I'd go the funeral.

Scarlettpixie · 13/10/2021 20:59

I think if you would go to the funeral without a second thought were it not for the appointment then you should go to the funeral.

I might say differently if you were early 40s.

ShaneTheThird · 13/10/2021 21:35

If he doesn't need to be at the appointment I would definitely keep it and go alone. He can go to the funeral and has his friend and their family to be with him.

RuthW · 13/10/2021 21:38

You both need to go to the appointment, no point in just one. A funeral of an old lady who isn't a relative isn't worth missing the appointment for.

Bookworm1988 · 13/10/2021 21:45

I think your being unfair op, you say they are like family to him so in a way this is like his grandmother’s funeral too.

PurpleDaisies · 13/10/2021 21:54

@RuthW

You both need to go to the appointment, no point in just one. A funeral of an old lady who isn't a relative isn't worth missing the appointment for.

Didn’t you read what the op said about their relationship?

MargaretFaffter · 13/10/2021 21:57

Personally I’d cancel the appointment and attend the funeral, unless there’s some pressing reason why the appointment has to take place (i.e. it’s now or never).

alilstressed · 13/10/2021 21:58

This feels like DH's second family so I understand why he wants to go to the funeral. I was so grateful for the support of my friends who came to my Grandmother's funeral. And I have been to the funerals of my friend's relatives. These friends who are like family.

Windinmyhair · 13/10/2021 22:01

I'd call the clinic tomorrow. If you can change the appointment within a couple of weeks, then I'd do that.

If you can't, I'd tell DH to go to the funeral and go to the clinic myself.

terrifa · 13/10/2021 22:11

What kind of appointment is it? Just an initial conversation/consultation, or you both having tests done?

If it's the former then I'd go to the appointment and tell DH to go to the funeral.

Maskedstranger · 13/10/2021 22:35

Can your DH go to the funeral and still join the appointment by videocall? Presumably if there are blood/sperm count tests etc he could do these on another day.
We have had hospital appts for kids during pandemic restrictions where one parent has to join by videocall. hospitals are used to this now.

Winterautumn · 13/10/2021 22:37

With all the background information my advice is reschedule the appointment. Or at least try and see if you can. Support your husband for the funeral and your husband will be in a much better place for attending the fertility appointment together.
Speaking as someone who has lost very close relatives, it meant the world to me that so many came to a funeral to say goodbye but also they came to support me on such a difficult day.

TableFlowerss · 13/10/2021 22:51

Unless grandma brought best friend up, then I don’t think many people would expect best friend AND wife to attend, especially as it’s a 10 hour round trip and you’ve got a very important IVF appointment.

My DH cousin (who is like his brother they are so close) dad died last year. DH went to the funeral as I was working. No one batted an eyelid because I didn’t know the man and I’ve got two kids so couldn’t be taking holidays for funerals for someone I don’t know.

Your DH is being unreasonable

JustLyra · 13/10/2021 23:23

I would go to the funeral. They're not just a grandmother of a friend, they obviously played a grandmotherly role in your DH's life and are like family.

NoSquirrels · 13/10/2021 23:59

“Best friend’s grandmother” = no need to attend to support friend.

“Surrogate grandmother, family who took me in as a teenager” = deeply personal wider family relationships.

I’m sorry, but I think your DH has to attend.

You need to find out from the clinic if they can move the appointment (best option) or, if not without a big delay, whether you can attend without him.

Separately, at a different moment, you need to discuss how this is affecting you and how you’ve perceived his feelings on TTC.

But if you can support him here, hopefully you’ll be a stronger unit. You do have time on your side although I appreciate how it makes you feel that it’s not a comfort.

greenlynx · 14/10/2021 00:16

I would try moving appointment first. I wouldn’t go by myself, it’s an appointment for you both. You are only TTC for one year so another month won’t make a big difference. I’m not surprised that your DH is relaxed about it so far and it’s actually good you won’t get anywhere with TTC if you’re both stressed.
But I can understand your point of view completely as I’ve been in this situation and tbh felt the same.

Saoirse82 · 14/10/2021 00:25

Neither of you are being unreasonable. Phone to see if you can move the appointment and you may have to compromise that you go alone. I'd be surprised if you had to wait months though, in my experience it would only be a week or 2.

Newmumatlast · 14/10/2021 00:26

@Sandyseagul

Will try to answer questions. Wasn’t being purposely vague - DH’s best friends grandmother (he is close to the family). We would be going if it wasn’t for the appointment. He could be trying to dodge the appointment, he is adamant there is nothing wrong and thinks it’s unnecessary but said he would go for me but he’s not really engaged in any conversation about it since it was booked. We’re early 30’s. I have said he can go to funeral and I will go to appointment on my own but he thinks I’m saying that to be difficult.

Tbh I was going to suggest you going to the appointment alone. It makes sense in the circumstances.

Also I was told when having fertility treatment (and research confirmed) that 12 months trying isn't a concerning period. In my trust you have to have been trying at least 2 years. My husband and I were much longer and also unexplained. It happens. IVF worked. Would recommend if all results look normal to ask to look at if there is a dna fragmentation issue. My clinic told me it isnt routinely tested but can be a reason pregnancy isn't sustained- and early on so you wouldn't know. It ended up being relevant to us and it was simple to address.

backtolifebacktoreality · 14/10/2021 03:31

Why don't you tell the family that you have an appointment that you will have great difficult changing. However you would please like the login details so that you can watch it and pay your respects online. (They are still doing these currently)!

DriftingBlue · 14/10/2021 03:38

For me, that wouldn’t be a close enough relation to cancel such a hard to get appt.

Pallisers · 14/10/2021 03:38

I'm Irish and my mantra is ALWAYS go to the funeral but in this case I think you are perfectly reasonable not to go.

Your dh should go., you attend your appointment and if people ask him where you are (they won't) he can just say "oh she had an appointment for a minor but slightly urgent medical thing that just couldn't be changed"

then write a nice note to dh's friend about the lovely times you met his grandmother.

I suspect that for your dh this is more about avoiding the appointment than the funeral though.

PurpleOkapi · 14/10/2021 04:08

I voted YABU, not because I necessarily think you're wrong to prefer TTC over going to a funeral, but because you're just sort of assuming that he should go along with whatever you come up with for TTC out of respect for your feelings. Having a child is a huge and life-altering commitment for him, not just for you, and if you're not on the same page about wanting it to happen ... 1) That's a much bigger relationship issue than disagreeing about whether to go to an appointment or a funeral, and 2) He doesn't owe it to you to TTC just because you want to.

Lemonsandlemonade · 14/10/2021 04:24

I totally understand why you don’t want to cancel the appointment I really do …. As someone who has a child via IVF I get how TTC can become all consuming. Try and not to make it all consuming though. I know that’s hard to do!

However in these circumstances I would bite the bullet and cancel the appointment and re arrange it.

By making your DH miss the funeral it could cause a rift between you. With TTC and any subsequent treatment you may have to be pulling together as it’s hard going.

12 months TTC though isn’t that long in real terms but I know it feels it.

RedHelenB · 14/10/2021 04:37

[quote Sandyseagul]@PinkWaferBiscuit He is very close to the family, his own parents emigrated when he was a teenager and they sort of took him under their wing, parents refer to him as the 3rd son so I do ‘get it’ and wouldn’t have given it a second thought about going if it hadn’t fallen on the same day.

He’s serious in the sense that we’re DTD regularly but in all honesty I don’t think it’s causing him as much (any) anguish that it’s not happened yet.[/quote]
In this case Gabi and of course you should go. It's not your one possible chance to have a baby, rearrange the appointment and could you ask them to let you know of any cancellations?

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