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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

She invites us to her birthdays, but not his

125 replies

Puttheneedleontheraquet · 13/10/2021 15:53

Have a good mum friend, our toddlers have known each other since a little after birth. We also know her Dh and have all met up as a four a few times.
I’ve noticed when it’s her birthday, she invited us to to celebrations with friends etc, but when it’s his, we never get an invite.
What would you make of this? We see him as our friend as much as she is almost. I mean obviously I see her more with our DC’s, just find it a bit odd?

OP posts:

RoSEbuds6 · 13/10/2021 18:30

To be honest, friendships made at NCT/baby/toddler age rarely last, and you end up having a completely set of friends when the kids are at primary. It's a really weird time of your life where you are really close with people you have nothing in common with apart from your baby's birth dates and where you happen to live.
Just try not to sweat it all too much, and keep up with your non-baby friends.

Dorigen · 13/10/2021 18:45

OP... just leave it. You're going down a rabbit hole here. You said in your OP that you've met up as a four with your DC "a few times". That's just ... people you're friendly with because you've got DC the same age. Not that there's anything wrong with that, obviously, but when it comes to the four of you - as opposed to you being friends with the other mum - it's just a nice acquaintanceship.

Sunshinelover2 · 13/10/2021 18:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

CSJobseeker · 13/10/2021 18:49

@Pontypandytaxpayer

I'd assume he sees you as his wife's friend rather than his.

Precisely. It's pretty bloody obvious really.

He decides who he wants to celebrate his birthday with (or even if he wants to celebrate it at all), not his wife. And I presume he has other friends of his own.

CSJobseeker · 13/10/2021 18:52

[quote Puttheneedleontheraquet]@Bluntness100 I would feel a bit weird just calling him up and asking to do something with just him tbh. We have lots of foursome type friendships, Dp doesn’t do things solely with the wife or me with the husband, but we’re still all mates[/quote]
If you would feel weird socialising with him on your own, you're not his friend, you're his wife's friend. Which is totally fine and normal.

category12 · 13/10/2021 18:54

You are all mates, just not close enough in his eyes to want to have at his birthday.

You say yourself it's mostly her you socialise with.

WTF475878237NC · 13/10/2021 18:56

"To be honest, friendships made at NCT/baby/toddler age rarely last"

^ Not the point of the thread but I know lots of people in my mum's generation who have still friends from NCT. I'm not that long into motherhood to comment myself. A lady stopped me and my current NCT friends the other day to say they just had post lockdown lunch with her NCT and it's been 25 years.

RoSEbuds6 · 13/10/2021 19:26

@WTF475878237NC

"To be honest, friendships made at NCT/baby/toddler age rarely last"

Maybe it's just me then!

moofolk · 13/10/2021 20:13

You are massively over thinking it.

If you want to go, say 'hey I hear you're organising a night out for your birthday, we'd love to join you'.

If he is a more the merrier type, he'll quite likely assume that if you know he's going out that you're also invited.

Original poster

Puttheneedleontheraquet · 13/10/2021 20:27

Thanks all,

I think I overestimated sort of how friendly we were with each other? They would definitely be on my list if either of us were doing a group outing for birthdays etc 🤷🏻‍♀️But that’s life. I have others I know, where I barely know the Dh, so wouldn’t invite them most likely. In this situation, I thought we are all fairly close but misjudged, oh well!

OP posts:

CSJobseeker · 13/10/2021 20:41

Would they be on your DH's list though? That's the better comparison.

Original poster

Puttheneedleontheraquet · 13/10/2021 22:15

@CSJobseeker Yeah, he’d invite them for sure

OP posts:

Mummadeze · 14/10/2021 17:49

My sister and her husband have couple friends who they mix with a lot. They all enjoy each other’s company. My sister would 100% organise a birthday meal and include them. My brother in law however would rather have a more clubby night with his younger friends who he knows through his hobby on his birthday so wouldn’t invite the couple friends unless he was throwing a big party. He definitely likes both crowds but doesn’t often mix them.

ellyeth · 14/10/2021 17:52

If you mainly socialise separately, I kind of understand this, but it can feel a bit hurtful so I don't think I would do that.

Wazzzzzzzup · 14/10/2021 17:54

@RealBecca

If you and DH never socialise with him alone you are def the wife's friends

This. It is that simple

panauchocolat · 14/10/2021 18:39

His birthday, his friends, not yours :)

cherish123 · 14/10/2021 18:46

Really not an issue.

LouH1981 · 14/10/2021 19:36

He considers you his wife’s friends x

CrankyFrankie · 14/10/2021 19:36

I can’t help but think there might well be a much more palatable explanation, ie that it hasn’t occurred to him to invite you. If he’s v sociable and v chilled, it could well be an oversight. Are you maybe not on the usual social media channels or something? Some people might arrange their do on SM and/or scroll through their friends there and not necessarily think outside the box.

Or, maybe he’s such a massive boozehound that you haven’t seen him at his wildest and he thinks you two might not like it? He maybe thinks it’ll be too much for you and doesn’t realise you’d like to be invited, or doesn’t want to trouble you with making arrangements for babysitter, etc. Especially as you say yourself that you’re not generally that sociable.

Unless your husband is an absolute tool, then I’d say it definitely sounds as though he enjoys your company.

What is stopping you casually mentioning it to her/them? At least it would stop all the what ifs? Eg “I see you’re planning a big night for X’s bday. Sounds like it’ll be a good night!?” or “where are you heading for it?” Type thing, just making convo and taking an interest. I bet they’d invite you there and then with no awkwardness!

PollyRae16 · 14/10/2021 20:01

Definitely normal. My DH gets on well with my friends husband but if it wasn't for the wives being close friends they probably wouldn't mix and have their own friendship groups.

Creamcrackersandricecakes · 14/10/2021 20:24

Honestly this is totally normal. I've known my best friend 35 years and we've both been married for 20+ years. We've been on family trips together, but we have never attended one of her DH's birthday celebrations, nor would we ever expect to be invited. He has a very specific group of friends that we are not a part of. My DH would never invite them to his birthday either; it wouldn't even occur to him. The relationship is definitely between me and my BF.

notbloodylikely · 14/10/2021 20:26

We had couple friends, all got on when we went out, but I never expected to be invited to other DHs' birthdays unless we were going out specifically as our group of couples.

Fleshmechanic · 14/10/2021 23:41

He sees you as her friends. He sees your partner as a casual acquaintance, not an actual close friend. It sucks but what can you do. If I was them I'd feel awkward and obviously invite you because you see them together frequently but some people don't care 🤷‍♀️. It's possibly he doesn't like either of you but i wouldn't jump straight to that conclusion.

pollymere · 15/10/2021 12:36

My DH tolerates the husbands of some of my friends. They're not his friends. He is friends with some of them I hasten to add! I suspect there are few he'd celebrate his birthday with though.

Mollymoostoo · 15/10/2021 15:06

My SIL had a party for her DH's 50th (my DH and her's are brothers) she didn't even invite my DH, let alone me. Needless to say my DH was really hurt.

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