Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She invites us to her birthdays, but not his

125 replies

Puttheneedleontheraquet · 13/10/2021 15:53

Have a good mum friend, our toddlers have known each other since a little after birth. We also know her Dh and have all met up as a four a few times.
I’ve noticed when it’s her birthday, she invited us to to celebrations with friends etc, but when it’s his, we never get an invite.
What would you make of this? We see him as our friend as much as she is almost. I mean obviously I see her more with our DC’s, just find it a bit odd?

OP posts:
Original poster
Puttheneedleontheraquet · 13/10/2021 16:32

@DFOD ffs, patronising much. Yes, we have lots of friends, just misread this situation completely

OP posts:
Branleuse · 13/10/2021 16:34

i wouldnt think anything of it. Lots of people have several friendship groups that they dont mix up much

TatianaBis · 13/10/2021 16:34

He may have his own mates from uni or childhood and sees them + family type thing.

WTF475878237NC · 13/10/2021 16:34

You're not sad, just misread it that's all.

butterpuffed · 13/10/2021 16:34

Maybe they both have a set number of friends they invite and you were in her list but not in his as he has closer friends ?

Original poster
Puttheneedleontheraquet · 13/10/2021 16:36

I think i wouldn’t have thought as much about it, but one of her friends she knew from years ago has recently moved to our area, I assume her Dh knows her as it’s his wife’s friend, but not massively..and her and her Dh have been invited

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 13/10/2021 16:38

[quote Puttheneedleontheraquet]@traintraveller But we meet up altogether, so aren’t we all friends?[/quote]
No, not necessarily. Not all friends are created equal and I think most couples have people they kow who are more one partner's friends than the other. Even couples who socialise together are individuals with their own friendship groups. They aren't just one entity who think and act alike.

My closest friend and her husband are people my husband and I met at the same time. She is definitely more my friend and her husband and mine aren't nearly as close, despite meeting as couples on occasion. Perfectly normal, I would think.

Kb2942 · 13/10/2021 16:40

You said you've met up as a four a few times!maybe a few times doesn't equal friendship. It's clear you are seen as a friend to her rather than him and I would be totally cool with that! Maybe he doesn't do much for his birthday? Maybe just prefers a few of his closest family and friends?

Sally872 · 13/10/2021 16:40

You met through the children so I expect he sees you as people to do family things with and he has another set of friends probably from pre kids who he would go out out with. And for whatever reason doesn't want the groups to mix. Doesn't mean you aren't friends. I am sure there are some of his other friends who don't get invited to family bbq or child's birthday.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/10/2021 16:40

Maybe he just doesn't see you as party types, and that's who he wants to socialise with for his birthday.
Inviting you to family nights/ days etc. means he sees you as family friends, not drinking buddies. Doesn't necessarily mean he likes you any less - just that you're not a "good fit" for his birthday night out.

I found out recently that the husband of a good friend of mine, who I also count as a friend, isn't as keen on my DH as I thought he was.
So I would get invited out to go drinking/partying with them but they were much less bothered about him coming along too - which worked out fine, because they (and I) are night birds, and DH is not. So he would stay home and keep an eye on the kids, so I could go out with them. But my DH does not know that my friend's DH isn't so keen on him - friend's DH is always absolutely fine with my DH when we do get together, all of us, and I wouldn't dream of telling him.

Paq · 13/10/2021 16:41

[quote Puttheneedleontheraquet]@Paq Of course not, but I’d say she’s the organiser of the two and last year I’m sure it was a surprise birthday night out, or she organised it at least[/quote]

Stop imposing wife work on other women! (Mostly lighthearted)

ASeagullShatInMyEye · 13/10/2021 16:42

@Puttheneedleontheraquet

I think i wouldn’t have thought as much about it, but one of her friends she knew from years ago has recently moved to our area, I assume her Dh knows her as it’s his wife’s friend, but not massively..and her and her Dh have been invited
For all you know, she initially met this other friend because their DHs were schoolfriends or former colleagues. Or maybe the 'newcomer' woman was herself an old friend of your friend's DH. Just stop thinking about it!
PinkCricket · 13/10/2021 16:44

Also - you've only met up a few times! Who invites people they've only met up wtih a few times to their brithday?!

diddl · 13/10/2021 16:45

So she invites you to her bdays & he doesn't invite you to his?

Why does this even register/bother you?

IamnotSethRogan · 13/10/2021 16:47

But we meet up altogether, so aren’t we all friends?

Nope. My very good friend and I all meet together with husbands have dinners etc. But she's my friend and that's why we all meet. I like the husband and he hopefully likes us, but he wouldn't invite us on his birthday night out I wouldn't think. Just like DH didn't invite them on his most recent one. We all have a nice time together and all that and I've known him a good 15 years since they met

Flowerpower23 · 13/10/2021 16:48

He goes to these family days out more to spend time with his family and that’s what his wife has planned rather than he wants to see you and your husband I would have thought. His wife obviously considers you a friend so you’re invited to her party, he will probably just not see you as a close mate. It’s not hard to understand I don’t think, but I don’t understand why you’re stressing over it? Unless you have a soft spot for him or something and that’s why you’re offended?

MimosaFields · 13/10/2021 16:49

another thing to keep in mind is that these families that one meets when the kids are toddlers, often stop being friends when the children are in primary school and even more so in secondary. Life gets too busy. Not always, of course, but very often.

My son is 18 now, and I am only still friends with 2 mums who I met during the primary school years, but not through school. I am still friends with them because we had other things in common which were unrelated to the children. I am not friends any more with anyone at all who I met at nursery or primary. I didn't meet anyone at secondary.

Auroreforet · 13/10/2021 16:49

I had a good friend when dc were little.
We mixed a lot with her and her dp.
However I was under no illusion that he saw us as real friends.
He definitely put people in boxes and gave attention depending on how 'useful' he found them.
He wasn't a nice person but so impeccably well mannered to your face that it took a while to realise.

Doomscrolling · 13/10/2021 16:49

This is so normal! Just because you all have a good time at family friendly days doesn’t make you his drinking buddies.

There are many strata of friendships. It doesn’t mean he dislikes you.

Rainbowshine · 13/10/2021 16:50

You’re totally overthinking on this. There’s no indication that your DP/DH has been “snubbed” in any way. I know my friends, some of them really close friends, have other social circles and that they keep those circles separated. That’s fine, normal and I don’t think “oh why didn’t they invite me/DH to that”. I think “I hope that they have a great time and I will enjoy hearing them talk about it and console them about the hangover when I see them again”

Blahdyblahbla · 13/10/2021 16:50

OP you are coming across as quite odd, why are you analysing the guest list of a party of someone you know very loosely through your children?
Maybe you come across as needy in real life, it's not an attractive quality.

IamnotSethRogan · 13/10/2021 16:51

Similarly, nights out with my old friends are not something I'd want self described "homebirds" who I met through baby groups on. The stuff me/my friends get up to on proper nights out are not things I'd want my naice toddler group friends knowing about

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 13/10/2021 16:51

He may have far more friends/may only want to see his immediate circle/may see you as her friends.

I have friends I invite to my birthday celebrations who are our very close friends, however when DH has birthday celebrations he will only invite the close circle of friends he's had since school.

Not because he doesn't consider them friends but he would rather spend his birthday with family and the friends he views as family.

MimosaFields · 13/10/2021 16:53

@Puttheneedleontheraquet

I think i wouldn’t have thought as much about it, but one of her friends she knew from years ago has recently moved to our area, I assume her Dh knows her as it’s his wife’s friend, but not massively..and her and her Dh have been invited
are you feeling a bit threatened by this old friend? it sounds like you are worried that now that the old friend is around, you will not see your friend so much any more. Do you have more friends in the area? have you recently moved?
Original poster
Puttheneedleontheraquet · 13/10/2021 16:54

@Flowerpower23 Definitely no soft spot, and not offended as such, just know they’ll be a big group there, they’re very welcoming, chilled out people. They’ve been at ours for bbqs etc, drinks at the beach, I personally see them as friends, in a foursome not host a mum friend solely. I have lots of these and have barely met their husbands so definitely wouldn’t feel the same.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread