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AIBU?

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Original poster

She invites us to her birthdays, but not his

125 replies

Puttheneedleontheraquet · 13/10/2021 15:53

Have a good mum friend, our toddlers have known each other since a little after birth. We also know her Dh and have all met up as a four a few times.
I’ve noticed when it’s her birthday, she invited us to to celebrations with friends etc, but when it’s his, we never get an invite.
What would you make of this? We see him as our friend as much as she is almost. I mean obviously I see her more with our DC’s, just find it a bit odd?

OP posts:
hereforfun · 13/10/2021 16:10

Just because you all meet up together doesn't mean he sees you as his friends.
Just because you and your partner would invite him to both of your birthdays doesn't mean he automatically has too to.

A lot of people have different meanings of the word 'friend.'
I often socialise with a lot of people including my close friend and her partner but I wouldn't consider him a friend. He wouldn't consider me a friend either even though we get on well and have lots of laughs etc

Original poster
Puttheneedleontheraquet · 13/10/2021 16:10

@WTF475878237NC Yes…sounds a bit sad but I just assumed we were all friends, not besties, but to warrant an invite to a birthday. As I said, I’d naturally invite them both to either of our birthdays

OP posts:
PinkCricket · 13/10/2021 16:10

Yup OP - we have friends we go to the beach with with the kids, and the dads come to. Or for walks etc. But wouldn't occur to me to invite them to my husbands birthday. Sort of different circles - mum friends/ friends through kids.

I almost wondered if I could be your friend ... only my husband isn't due a birthday for a while!

gannett · 13/10/2021 16:10

People just have different styles in how they celebrate their birthdays.

When I throw a party I take a "more the merrier" approach and invite people beyond my close friends - also people I know less well but like and want to get to know better, plus people from DP's circle.

When DP has birthday drinks he'll keep it low-key and tight to a handful of his closest friends. Doesn't mean he doesn't like people he mostly knows through me, just that he prefers a small gathering.

Original poster
Puttheneedleontheraquet · 13/10/2021 16:12

@Pontypandytaxpayer Yes, perhaps not 🤷🏻‍♀️
Strange we’d go out together at other times, he’s been enthusiastic and arranged things etc

OP posts:
IrishMel · 13/10/2021 16:12

I think it is seen as you are her friend first and foremost. I would not read too much into it as he probably has all his old friends there and the numbers would be too large if started inviting all his wives friends/husbands etc. Just enjoy the times you do meet up and don't let it overshadow the fun you all do have.

bellabasset · 13/10/2021 16:12

Both you and your friend have birthday bashes, as does her dh whereas your dh doesn't so it's reasonable that different guests go to her dh's.

MiddlesexGirl · 13/10/2021 16:13

He wants his mate friends for his birthday not his met through the kids friends.
Totally understandable. Different dynamic. Different topics of conversation.

Pontypandytaxpayer · 13/10/2021 16:13

Has he ever suggested the four of you do something together without the kids? If not, I'd assume he sees you as 'parent friends'.

Practicebeingpatient · 13/10/2021 16:14

I have some very good friends who I mostly see as the woman on their own and occasionally with DHs as a couple. Unless it was a massive party for a milestone birthday I wouldn't invite their partners to my birthday or to DHs. On my birthday I'd be more inclined to go out for a meal with the girls and in DHs birthday he just wants to see our DC and possibly a few old school mates. Much as he likes them he wouldn't see meeting up with my mates or their partners as a birthday treat.

Original poster
Puttheneedleontheraquet · 13/10/2021 16:14

They’re very outgoing and sociable people, definitely the more the merrier type. I did wonder if it’s because we’re not night out, drinking type friends, as in, we haven’t get as Dd is so young and we don’t have family to babysit etc, so haven’t been out with them in that way yet

OP posts:
Year6dramallama · 13/10/2021 16:15

I think this is totally normal. We have couples we socialise with, because I'm friends with the mum. So we will hang out as couples, as families, or me and the mum. But neither me nor my DH are friend with their DH independently of 'the group', and as such wouldn't expect invites to his birthday. If they were having a massive house party and inviting tons of people, then I guess maybe I would. But otherwise not. These sorts of couple-and-kids friendships tend to be led by the mums, in my experience.

Squirrelblanket · 13/10/2021 16:16

@Puttheneedleontheraquet No idea, I was just pointing out that just because you all hang out occasionally it doesn't mean you are all great friends.

We make an effort with my friend's husband because we love my friend. I can't imagine him including us in his birthday plans and neither would we want to go. 😂

Year6dramallama · 13/10/2021 16:17

Also some people use birthdays as a way to meet up with old friends they don't see regularly. Could be that too...

Cas112 · 13/10/2021 16:17

He definitely has his own set of friends he probably celebrates his birthday with and see's you as his wife's friends.

DFOD · 13/10/2021 16:17

This is totally normal.

However I am surprised that you need to come back 11 times to even get it?

But like a dog with a bone.

Do you have many other friends or friendship groups? I wonder if you can read social signals?

Original poster
Puttheneedleontheraquet · 13/10/2021 16:17

@Pontypandytaxpayer He hasn’t but she has. He’s often invited us to go for a pub meal after a kids party for example. It could be that we don’t go out for the big, messy drinking nights…did before Dd..if only! 🤣

OP posts:
traintraveller · 13/10/2021 16:17

[quote Puttheneedleontheraquet]@traintraveller But we meet up altogether, so aren’t we all friends?[/quote]
Nope. I sometimes go with DP to meet his friends but they are not my friends

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 13/10/2021 16:20

I'm not sure why you're so worried about this OP?

My wife has a few friends that I get on very well with. We all see each other as a group fairly often, get on well, and I enjoy myself when I'm with them.

But they're primarily my wife's friends, not mine, I enjoy their company but I wouldn't seek them out.

If it's my birthday night out, then I want to be with my friends. I want to celebrate with people who I can completely relax with, because I've known them for years, we have interests in common, common history etc. It wouldn't be the end of the world if my wife's friends were there, but it'd change the dynamic.

It's probably the same with your friends husband. He probably likes you, enjoys spending time with you, but doesn't see you as that close a friend. You're his wifes friend.

And thats ok, couples are 2 individual people, they don't have to invite all of their friends to each others events,

Saoirse82 · 13/10/2021 16:23

This sounds totally normal to be, he may go out with a group of friends that he's known all his life and you are more like new friends, sometimes it can be a hassle if not everyone knows eachother or are very different in personality. I doubt it's not because he doesn't like you but probably has a long established friendship circle he socalises with.

BungleandGeorge · 13/10/2021 16:27

You say she is a close friend, and the four of you have met up a ‘few times’. The primary friendship is between you and her and then you also meet up with friends. On his birthday I expect he invites people who are his friends plus their partners

TopCatsTopHat · 13/10/2021 16:28

Would either you or your dp ever see him without her? If the answer is no then that tells you you're his wife's friends.
Doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy spending time with you as a four but he will have actual friends who are his birthday invites.
Just cos you would invite the pair of them to a birthday doesn't make it odd. Bet you wouldn't invite him without her though. So it's just a level of friendship which is lovely and enjoyable but dependent on her.

MimosaFields · 13/10/2021 16:28

Totally normal! I would not invite my friends husbands' to my birthday. I like them, I enjoy their company when we meet but for my birthday I want to be with the people who me well. MY friends only.

I think you have one thing in common with this family: the kids. The husband sees you as the mum friend of his wife and that's fine because that's what you are. You are overthinking this.

What do you do for your birthday? Do you normally mix a lot of different friends from all paths of your previous life?

ASeagullShatInMyEye · 13/10/2021 16:31

I think you're overthinking friendship, OP.

It's fine for couples to have separate friends. For my birthday, I'd invite my own friends and, if I were close to them, their spouses. DP would do the same. In the situation you describe, I'd assume the man is an easy-going type who gets on with people (especially if it keeps all the children occupied), and who regards you as his wife's perfectly nice friend, if he thinks about it at all.

vajingleberry · 13/10/2021 16:31

@Puttheneedleontheraquet

They’re very outgoing and sociable people, definitely the more the merrier type. I did wonder if it’s because we’re not night out, drinking type friends, as in, we haven’t get as Dd is so young and we don’t have family to babysit etc, so haven’t been out with them in that way yet
I think you have answered your own question.