Sexual contact when asleep - abusive?

[Level75]

Just listened to an interesting item on Woman's Hour about people initiating sexual contact with their partner when their partner is asleep. The interviewee said all contact in this manner is without consent and therefore technically sexual assault. AIBU in agreeing with her? Loads of people contacted the program to say it wasn't an issue and some even gave blanket consent for their partner to have sex with them whilst asleep. I just thought that was a bit grim.

Holy sh*t

I am genuinely mortified that's how it could have been construed...

Holy sh*t

I am genuinely mortified that's how it could have been construed...

@FaceForRadio1973

Holy sh*t

I am genuinely mortified that's how it could have been construed...

I wouldn't be too concerned about what some stranger online thinks.

What's more important is what your wife thinks. If you know that she's happy to be woken up with you going down on her, then that's consent. If you continue despite her having changed her mind, that's abuse.

I think it’s very dangerous to presume consent.

For what it’s worth I had no issues with dh initiating sex while I was asleep but I would definitely wake up. I can’t imagine sleeping through that. Dh enjoys it when I do it too.

However, there have been times where sleep has been a priority, and lately where sex is completely off the table for the week before my period because I’m peri menopausal. And on more than one occasion I’ve sleepily pushed him away or rolled away and that’s also taken as a no.

I feel like it’s a special privilege I afford to dh. I might not feel like that with a different partner.

I think it’s important to start from the point of “only positive, enthusiastic consent” and then allow couples to figure out their own comfort zones.

We shouldn’t judge couples for what they do in privacy if it’s safe, sane and consensual but it’s even more important that people don’t make others feel wrong for the boundaries and limits that they do have.

Oh, I think it's safe to say that prior consent is there...

I guess for some people its OK if they have agreed to it.I would personally hate it,I dont like being woken up anyway . Surely its only kindness to wait until partners awake!

I would absolutely hate it. I get triggered easily because of suffering from PTSD as a result of childhood SA, so it would be a big no from me.

I would hate it, but ask your wife.

@FaceForRadio1973

Oh, I think it's safe to say that prior consent is there...

Because?? Why did you ask then? Unless you’re one of those who trawls mumsnet for wank fodder.

I ask, because at the time, I thought that I was doing something pleasurable for her. I now realise that although it was well received, I am seriously wondering that maybe I shouldn't have done it in the first place.

As for wank fodder? Really?

I can't think of anything less erotic then cracking one out over this forum...

Oh, hang on, I'm a man, aren't I. Of course, I have a porn and gaming addiction.

Horses for courses. Each to their own etc.

If you don't like it, say, if it continues then that's bad.

For some couples this is normal behaviour and is enjoyed/appreciated.

@FaceForRadio1973

I ask, because at the time, I thought that I was doing something pleasurable for her. I now realise that although it was well received, I am seriously wondering that maybe I shouldn't have done it in the first place.

As for wank fodder? Really?

I can't think of anything less erotic then cracking one out over this forum...

Oh, hang on, I'm a man, aren't I. Of course, I have a porn and gaming addiction.

Yes really, you wouldn’t be the first or the last ..