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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can you have a fulfilling life if you never dated?

97 replies

SoLoveless · 12/10/2021 17:02

If a person has always been single. No one ever chose them, never gonna be loved.
Whole life alone. No one wanted to share and build their life with you.
I mean it has to affect them, right?
How they view themselves?

When ”everybody else” has multiple love of their lives and you couldn’t get even one….
To feel all the pain and the emotions when you see couples….

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 12/10/2021 17:05

Has that person ever put any effort into dating? Because it is effort

WhatsWrongWithMyUsername · 12/10/2021 17:09

Not necessarily, depends on the individual, their other non-romantic relationships (friendships, family), interests and passions. And also how they see it - freedom vs responsibility, etc.

Are you talking about yourself?

Animood · 12/10/2021 17:11

Some people are asexual and a- romantic. So for them they never want that.

But for most people, yes I think romantic relationships are important. At least for a period of their life, if not all of it.

Pythonista · 12/10/2021 17:13

Read the relationships board to see how 'fulfilling' a relationship can be.

I have been single since I was 28, celibate since 30 and am now 50. My life is very fulfilling

TurnUpTurnip · 12/10/2021 17:14

I would think they were happy that way if they never actually tried surely that’s a choice then?

EileenGC · 12/10/2021 17:15

I think it depends on the person.

Some people don’t even put the effort it, so they can’t actually be that bothered. I have a relative like this. Moans she’s alone but has never done anything to change this, ever. She’s 55 now and has no friends, has never had a partner or a goal in life, at all.

Others will instead fill their lives with a purposeful job, lots of friends, close relationship with nieces/nephews perhaps… They might wonder ‘what if’ or feel a tinge of jealousy but they can also live exciting lives whilst being single.

Like everything in life, it depends on one’s attitude.

VladmirsPoutine · 12/10/2021 17:17

If a person has always been single. No one ever chose them, never gonna be loved.

This is conflating two things. Did the person want a relationship but was always rebuffed or is it that they've never wanted one regardless?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/10/2021 17:19

I think it is perfectly possible, but if you are talking about yourself then you don't sound happy about it. If this is the case it is never too late. You could sign up for some online dating and at least find out what you've been missing? (Often, not much!)

Bluntness100 · 12/10/2021 17:21

You need to expand. No one gets “chosen”. What effort has th person made, what did they wish?

zonkyzonky · 12/10/2021 17:31

It depends.

Some things you can have control of: you could try to have children on your own via a sperm donor so effectively choosing to have a family of your own so can be part of a loving unit (emotional fulfillment)...a job you enjoy (a different sort of fulfilment).

As for dating, it's timing and luck in my opinion. Most relationships didn't start out via online dating and people met at random points in their life; I'd say it does get harder to meet someone when you're older, but it's because people have experienced more relationship traumas/disappointnents and aren't willing to accept anything, or what they might have done when younger.

Family support is important, as is a varied friends' network. And I agree with @Pythonista ...hop on to the Relationships board, it makes for a sobering read.

Do you/or the person you're writing about, have they had any sexual experiences? For a woman, that's easily solvable....

Bluntness100 · 12/10/2021 17:42

Op is this about you?

There is a level ofpassivemess In your post., as said no one chooses you, it’s not like someone walks up to you and says cmon then let’s build a life together, and for someone to have never dated could indicate they have not put themselves out there,

You need to put yourself out there, to meet people. Go on dates . The huge majority of people can date at least using on line sites. Have you tried this? Do you work? Socialise?

MyPatronusIsACat · 12/10/2021 17:44

Are you on about yourself @SoLoveless ???

Skyla2005 · 12/10/2021 17:44

My first thought was yes but after reading everything else then I spose not ! If you want to find someone then I believe there is someone for everyone time to change something

Fraine · 12/10/2021 17:51

I think a lot of women do wait for Prince Charming to come and find them and choose them. It doesn't always work out like that sadly.

Original poster
SoLoveless · 12/10/2021 17:52

Okey, so yeah, this is about myself.
I’ve been feeling really lonely lately, guess I just wanted to vent a little and get some perspective.

I can’t say I have put much effort in dating, that’s true.
And definitely never been pretty, so no one has ever had any intrest anyway.

I’m very old now, but I have been to theraphy for other reasons and I’ve realised now that so far I’ve been going through life believing I wasn’t worthy of love, also I mentioned to my therapist that I have no expirience and that I was really embarrassed of that. Just telling her that kind of helped me to let go of some of the shame I have felt about it.

No, I haven’t had sex. Not sure if I ever want to, I just want to be in a loving relationship.

I have read relationship boards, and yes I understand what pp are saying, but clearly everyone there has wanted a relationship at some point, maybe it’s something people need to learn the hard way.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/10/2021 17:54

Op, how old is very old please?

Orangejuicemarathoner · 12/10/2021 17:54

asexual and aromantic here. and very happy and fulfilled

Shelddd · 12/10/2021 17:57

You should put yourself out there. Even if you are very old, you're not dead yet, you still have life left. You can try and experience some romance and love before your time is up.

EileenGC · 12/10/2021 17:58

Were you loved by your parents OP? I do apologise if this question upsets you.

I’ve never been ‘chosen’ either. But I have some family who loves me (and others who shouldn’t have been allowed to parent me as well), friends I love and who love me back.

I’m not waiting on anyone to notice me, my looks or my personality so I can have a relationship. When I want one, I can go out there and take the steps to make it happen - or at least try.

However, all of this is very hard if you’ve never had good loving relationships modelled in your life.

Original poster
SoLoveless · 12/10/2021 19:18

@EileenGC

Were you loved by your parents OP? I do apologise if this question upsets you.

I’ve never been ‘chosen’ either. But I have some family who loves me (and others who shouldn’t have been allowed to parent me as well), friends I love and who love me back.

I’m not waiting on anyone to notice me, my looks or my personality so I can have a relationship. When I want one, I can go out there and take the steps to make it happen - or at least try.

However, all of this is very hard if you’ve never had good loving relationships modelled in your life.

I think they loved me in their own way. I’ve learned that they are not very emotionally available, and I kind of learned to be like them.

Now that I’m doing the work and learning to be more present in my life, lonliness has creeped in and things that didn’t bother me before, do now.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/10/2021 20:58

Op you’ve not responded to your age, I’m guessing you’re not most people’s definition of “very old” are you?

Comedycook · 12/10/2021 21:07

can’t say I have put much effort in dating, that’s true
And definitely never been pretty

Not putting in the effort is the issue. Being pretty is neither here nor there. Yes if you're pretty you have more options but there are lots of less attractive people who have relationships. Look around, it's certainly not only attractive people who are in relationships.

Comedycook · 12/10/2021 21:09

I’ve never been ‘chosen’ either

This is a ridiculous, over romanticised notion...the idea of being "chosen". Vast majority of relationships don't start with someone being "chosen"...to be honest, your biggest problem is most likely having unrealistic expectations

TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/10/2021 21:20

Look around, it's certainly not only attractive people who are in relationships.

It's true. You only have to look at the Tory party. They are at it like rabbits.

Essen · 12/10/2021 21:42

If you never apply for a job you don’t generally find one. It is the same for relationships. You have to go looking for one.