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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS school punishment

98 replies

GatsbyGG · 12/10/2021 16:50

Hi,

Just want others perspective on this. My DS (15) tripped up his friend in PE class about three weeks ago. He did it intentionally but with no malice.. Just horseplay in his own words. This same friend was at our house a few days later and nothing was said. Both boys still as friendly as ever. I get a call from the year head the following week to tell me that my DS was threatened with suspension by the vice principal for his behaviour but the year head convinced him to reduce it to after school detention. So he did his detention and we thought that was it. I received another call today from the year head again who seemed really tense telling me that he was not allowed go on a field trip tomorrow as a consequence of his behaviour from a few weeks ago. I feel the year head definitely thinks it's overkill but he cannot overrule the vp. My DH wants to talk to the vp as he feels our DS now will be on his radar and any slight misdemeanour from him will be compounded. We had advised our DS that his behaviour from now on will be under extra scrutiny so he needs to have exemplary behaviour especially around the vp. In the past his teachers have told us he is a lovely boy and well mannered always. We want to protect him but at the same time make him responsible for his behaviour.The year head has known him for three years and knows that he is kind and good in general (his words). I really don't want to punish him as he is not a bad kid. Should we talk to the vp or principal about this now or just leave it and just do ongoing monitoring.

Yes - talk to vp/principal
No - leave and monitor

OP posts:

trumpisagit · 12/10/2021 17:00

I would talk to (email) the VP.
He has already been punished.
It was weeks ago.
Missing the field trip ( is it a gcse one?) may impact him academically.

ScabbyHorse · 12/10/2021 17:03

I would talk to VP in person or on phone

thelegohooverer · 12/10/2021 17:03

Is it a normal policy that students who have detention are excluded from field trips or is it just your ds?

OurChristmasMiracle · 12/10/2021 17:04

I would email the VP and cc in both head of year and principal. I would state the information you were told and that today you have been informed that he will not be permitted to go on field trip tomorrow and ask for formal clarification of his punishment and why this was not communicated at the time

SoniaFouler · 12/10/2021 17:05

The other boy could have tripped awkwardly and split his head open / had an eye gouged out because of what your DS did. So I can see why the school are taking it seriously. But I would also talk to the VP if you think it’s going to impact him from now on…unless your wanting to speak to VP is because you know DS is going to pull something like this again and you want a promise that he won’t be punished for it?

NovemberWitch · 12/10/2021 17:08

Are they following the school discipline policy accurately?
Ask them for a copy and check that the VP isn’t doing his own thing.
It sounds excessive.

FasterthanBolt · 12/10/2021 17:08

Ds broke his arm in the exact same circumstance and the school came down hard on the boy that tripped him so you really need to impress upon your son the seriousness of what could have happened (and the boy that tripped ds also didn't do it maliciously but it lead to months of pain and disruption for ds). But, I don't think your son should be excluded from a field trip, so you should speak to the VP

MerryMarigold · 12/10/2021 17:09

I would email VP with a cc to HoY and ask a few penetrating questions to show that you are an involved parent and that HE (the VP) is on YOUR radar (ie. He can't get away with bullying a child during their GCSE year course). I'm thinking qu's such as:
Why is he not allowed on field trip? Has there been another incident done the original one?
Why is this sanction coming now so long after the tripping incident? Is there value in this? Was this 'future' sanction communicated at the time to your DC or to HoY?
Does he (the VP) feel there is bullying or malice in the relationship between the boys and what evidence for he have for this?

Perhaps there could be other questions.

LittleMG · 12/10/2021 17:28

I reckon there’s more to this than meets the eye. That said I remember a vp having it in for me at school and I was a genuine kid who didn’t want any trouble but every time I slipped up there she was. I’d want to know from the vp what’s going on here. As an ex teacher I NEVER feel sorry for kids when behaviour is involved, but in this case he did the crime and he’s served the time, so what’s the problem?? I’d want to know the answer to that.

percypig84 · 12/10/2021 17:29

Is it worth asking if there was more to the original incident than you understood? It might help you get an idea of why the VP is coming down so hard on him, it seems a completely over the top response to a single incident!

Original poster

GatsbyGG · 12/10/2021 17:39

Thanks for all this valuable feedback. We have instinctively told him not to lay any hands on anyone at any stage from here on out - we have given him examples of very seriously injured people who were horse-playing. He does realise the gravity of what he did and I'm so thankful that his friend wasn't injured. He said that a few other boys have been told they will not be going on the trip either due to after school detention. So he is not singled out. I'll double check tomorrow that all these kids were present at school. BTW it is a non academic trip so wouldn't affect their grades.

I think I may leave it and just keep an eye on things. The vp is new and I've been told by my other DS that he is very unhappy and tense looking all the time. DS also said he seems to get very nervous around people. My ds's usually don't comment on this type of behaviour so it must be pretty severe. He is new so I guess he is setting the ground rules. He doesn't seem to talk to the other teachers either which both ds's have also noticed. I almost feel sorry for him.

OP posts:

Orangejuicemarathoner · 12/10/2021 17:42

I think he was lucky not to be excluded

Original poster

GatsbyGG · 12/10/2021 17:46

@percypig84

Thanks. I asked the PE teacher what happened and he said that he tripped him up deliberately in anger. My DS is adamant that he was not angry and seemed shocked that I was told that. My DS and his friend are close and mess all the time with each other. The friendship has not been affected and friend said to DS today that he is sad that he is not going.

OP posts:

Kanaloa · 12/10/2021 17:51

Outside of whether it was malicious/playful etc it’s poor behaviour. Horseplay isn’t appropriate for the classroom. At 15 he should know that, to still be messing about tripping each other up isn’t acceptable.

I do think it’s harsh for him to be left out of the trip but he isn’t a little boy so I would just tell him that’s that and he will need to accept it. Especially since the teacher seems to think he did it in anger.

Also, I wouldn’t be concerned about him now being on the radar for ‘small misdemeanours.’ He should learn from this not to to something similar again.

cheapskatemum · 12/10/2021 17:51

Yes

I would write a letter to VP. This way they have to treat it as a formal complaint. Can you get hold of a copy of the school's discipline policy? This happened to DS3. I am a teacher, so knew the system. In my case the Headteacher overruled the Deputy Head and phoned me personally to say that there would be no blanket ban if any pupil going on trips, because of one incidence of misbehaviour. I wish you luck. Do let us know how you all get on.

CyclingIsNotOuting · 12/10/2021 17:52

Feels like 2 punishments for the same offence.
I’d be questioning it on that basis alone. Either after school detention was sufficient or it wasn’t. In which case they got it wrong originally.

Original poster

GatsbyGG · 12/10/2021 17:52

@Orangejuicemarathoner

I think he was lucky not to be excluded

Yep. If they are the rules then yes they do need to abide by them. I looked in their diary to check the rules and his horseplay comes under the detention punishment. DS told me another kid is in after-school detention this week for accidently hitting another boy in the face with a ball. This happened to me in PE one time and the girl who hit me was just told to be careful so I think giving this boy an after-school is totally ott. He feels bad enough as it is.

OP posts:

santabetterwashhishands · 12/10/2021 17:53

One crime two punishments doesn't sit right with me so I'd be voicing my concerns! And I'm usually very leave the school to it .

Kanaloa · 12/10/2021 17:53

Although if it was an academic trip I would possibly feel differently. As it is I would support the school’s decision to remove him from the trip due to his behaviour - you don’t know if it is part of a pattern of ‘horseplay’ that the students have been warned about since you say they do it often.

BluebellsGreenbells · 12/10/2021 17:57

Our kids don’t get trips of they have behaviour points

DS had 1 point in September and was excluded from the trip in July

Somewhat unfair? Maybe but they are made aware of the rules at the beginning of the year.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 12/10/2021 18:00

I suspect this may be a case of you having a different experience of your son’s behaviour than the school.

Whilst it definitely sounds without malice
Is he a persistent trouble maker? They sound exasperated by him

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 12/10/2021 18:00

And perhaps using this as an excuse for him not to go on the trip and disrupt things?

FindingMeno · 12/10/2021 18:04

I would send an email pointing out that he has already had his ' punishments and it is unfair to have an open approach and adding additional punishments weeks after the event.
I would copy in the year head and headteacher.

Theunamedcat · 12/10/2021 18:04

Why did the pe teacher think he was angry?

Tal45 · 12/10/2021 18:05

My son used to trip people up in junior school, I cam down hard on him then as obviously people can get really hurt. I would not be impressed if he still thought it was a good idea at 15. It's not clear to me which way round your AIBU is so I can't vote but no I wouldn't say anything to school as I don't think it would help the situation. It's your son that needs to change his behaviour. At my son's school if they get a behaviour mark against them they are not allowed on the school trip, I'd imagine that's pretty standard.

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