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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS school punishment

98 replies

GatsbyGG · 12/10/2021 16:50

Hi,

Just want others perspective on this. My DS (15) tripped up his friend in PE class about three weeks ago. He did it intentionally but with no malice.. Just horseplay in his own words. This same friend was at our house a few days later and nothing was said. Both boys still as friendly as ever. I get a call from the year head the following week to tell me that my DS was threatened with suspension by the vice principal for his behaviour but the year head convinced him to reduce it to after school detention. So he did his detention and we thought that was it. I received another call today from the year head again who seemed really tense telling me that he was not allowed go on a field trip tomorrow as a consequence of his behaviour from a few weeks ago. I feel the year head definitely thinks it's overkill but he cannot overrule the vp. My DH wants to talk to the vp as he feels our DS now will be on his radar and any slight misdemeanour from him will be compounded. We had advised our DS that his behaviour from now on will be under extra scrutiny so he needs to have exemplary behaviour especially around the vp. In the past his teachers have told us he is a lovely boy and well mannered always. We want to protect him but at the same time make him responsible for his behaviour.The year head has known him for three years and knows that he is kind and good in general (his words). I really don't want to punish him as he is not a bad kid. Should we talk to the vp or principal about this now or just leave it and just do ongoing monitoring.

Yes - talk to vp/principal
No - leave and monitor

OP posts:

amillionmenonmars · 13/10/2021 08:26

It looks to me that what we have here is a HOY who likes to be 'down with the kids' and is making promises that he cannot keep. The school rules are the school rules. This new VP will do well to keep his eye on a HOY who is giving mixed messages to the kids.

For the pp who said no harm was done because no one was injured - that isn't how it works. You don't let kids piss about with mock fights and tripping people up UNTIL someone gets hurt. The school is making it clear that no dangerous behaviour is allowed. Lots of bullying happens under the pretence of 'having a laugh' and 'he's my mate he doesn't mind'.

girlmom21 · 13/10/2021 08:35

I didn't realise you were there and know exactly what happened @Reallyimeanreally2022, considering the OP has spoken to two people who were there and still doesn't know what happened

FedUpMiss · 13/10/2021 08:36

TBH, the watering down of events is what teenagers do to their parents and as a teacher my heart sinks a little when parents fall for it hook line and sinker.

Tripping someone up on purpose is awful, I don't care what the intention is. Not to mention fucking dangerous. Why shouldn't the school consider this bullying, like if it was done with another pupil - kids can stay be bullies towards their mates (in fact IME that's how a lot of bullying relationships start - as so-called friendships). It sounds like his school is taking a zero tolerance approach to bullying, good for them.

In terms of the field trip, this is a good opportunity for you to teach him that actions - even 'joke' actions - can have serious consequences

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 13/10/2021 08:36

@girlmom21

I didn't realise you were there and know exactly what happened *@Reallyimeanreally2022*, considering the OP has spoken to two people who were there and still doesn't know what happened

Oh don’t be daft.

PE teacher witnessed
Op likes and respects him
Op’s son likes and respect him

Pe teacher thought it was malicious

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 13/10/2021 08:37

@FedUpMiss

TBH, the watering down of events is what teenagers do to their parents and as a teacher my heart sinks a little when parents fall for it hook line and sinker.

In terms of the field trip, this is a good opportunity for you to teach him that actions - even 'joke' actions - can have serious consequences

Exactly And this isn’t a 9 year old boy

He’s 15

FedUpMiss · 13/10/2021 08:39

I also think there could be more to this than meets the eye. Maybe your son has form for this and is making other pupils going on the field trip nervous, maybe the 'friend' doesn't actually want to be his friend and has said something, maybe they're just following their discipline policy

FedUpMiss · 13/10/2021 08:42

I'm a bit surprised by comments on this thread.

Imagine if the other boy's mum posted saying her son was tripped up by a mate. Imagine a woman posting saying her husband tripped her up on purpose but in a non-malicious way. What reaction would that vet? Why do we sell children so short? I'm struggling in my sector at the moment because of the lack of focus on victims of bullying and all about how the bully has the excuse of XYZ. It's refreshing to hear a school that actually gives out real sanctions.

girlmom21 · 13/10/2021 08:46

@Reallyimeanreally2022 and PE doesn't know if he was reacting or just being a knob, and his mate came to his house a few days later acting completely normal.

FedUpMiss · 13/10/2021 08:46

@BluebellsGreenbells

Our kids don’t get trips of they have behaviour points

DS had 1 point in September and was excluded from the trip in July

Somewhat unfair? Maybe but they are made aware of the rules at the beginning of the year.

The school I work in has a similar system and after school detention is seen as pretty serious. The next stages are Saturday detention and then suspension.

I think parents struggle with how serious something has to be to get an after school detention these days - not like in 'our day' when those detentions were handed out like sweets at a party

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 13/10/2021 08:47

[quote girlmom21]@Reallyimeanreally2022 and PE doesn't know if he was reacting or just being a knob, and his mate came to his house a few days later acting completely normal. [/quote]
I agree
Could well have got it wrong

But if we’ll respected an likes teacher, surely trust that he is not prone to over reacting. He obviously is not happy with the OP’s son and I would say that indicates that the trolling wasn’t a one off in terms of disruptive behaviour

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 13/10/2021 08:48

@FedUpMiss

I think school concerned he will be disruptive on trip and using this as the straw that broke the camel’s back to stop him coming

FedUpMiss · 13/10/2021 08:59

@NeverDropYourMooncup

It sounds as though he is really cracking down on any hints of a culture of Horseplay and Banter because it's often used to dismiss quite serious bullying - especially when the victims so often feel they have to say 'Oh, he didn't mean it, he was just playing around' and the perpetrators are all shocked that anybody could ever suggest that sending another kid flying was anything but 'a bit of a laugh'.

Trips are very carefully looked at in terms of risk assessments - if behaviour is even slightly dubious, the consequences on a trip can be much higher than in school, especially if the field trip contains some potentially far riskier activities where discipline and behaviour needs to be 100%, rather than subject to the odd push, shove or trip.

I don't think it's reasonable to complain in the light of that, as his priority seems to be keeping all children safe.

This!

Bluntness100 · 13/10/2021 09:05

If the PE teacher is saying he did it in anger to you then he’s saying it to thr deputy head. Your son is 15 and defintely old enough to know the risk of injury associated with deliberately tripping someone up.

So I agree leave it. And stop trying to minimise it by calling it horseplay. It was an unprovoked attack on another kid.

thing47 · 13/10/2021 13:07

OP, we have been on the other side of this. When DC was 13 his best friend did something similar as a joke. Trouble was, DS had recently had a major operation and it was potentially very serious for him (an ambulance had to be called and he had to be checked over in hospital). Friend had momentarily forgotten this and was messing about, as teenage boys do. He was mortified, as was his mother. He was punished despite us saying it wasn't necessary 'because those were the school rules'. But as with your DS, the boys were laughing about it the next day, no big deal luckily.

The new VP sounds a bit uncertain of himself to me, and probably a bit OTT as a result but I would just accept it. Ultimately if everything is good between the boys, that's what is important.

PumpkinsandTea · 13/10/2021 20:19

@GatsbyGG OP, please stop making excuses for your child. You're doing more harm than good. This is a learning opportunity for him

GreyhoundG1rl · 13/10/2021 20:23

DS now will be on his radar and any slight misdemeanour from him will be compounded..
So if he behaves going forward there'll be nothing to "compound". Suggest he tries this.

Anonymous48 · 13/10/2021 20:25

He did it intentionally but with no malice

I'm not sure both of those things can be true. If you intentionally trip someone, surely by definition it's done with malice?

Hopefully he has learned his lesson.

Bingowingslikeashieldofsteel · 13/10/2021 20:47

It's peer on peer abuse - regardless of whether it was 'just' horseplay/banter and it has to be challenged each and every time. As others have said the other child (or someone else completely unconnected) could have been seriously injured.

It would be a spell in the isolation room or fixed term exclusion at my school as a bare minimum so a detention is him getting off very lightly in my view...

I'm very jaded by the whole 'playfighting' shit though to be fair and sick of having to explain to parents that I don't give a shit how their kids and their mates behave out of school and how great their friendship (build on them banging the shit out of each other) is, I will not tolerate them laying hands on each other in school.

Or taking each other's belongings to throw over the fence/in a puddle/down the stairs... delete as applicable!

cnn27 · 13/10/2021 21:03

Some schools will have policies not to bring children who they feel are likely to be a health and safety risk on trips. Could it be something like this?

MurrayTheDemonicTalkingSkull · 13/10/2021 21:27

I’m a teacher and I’ve put similar restrictions on trips I’ve run. Teachers spend hours of their own time organising trips, they’re incredibly stressful to supervise on the day and you still have to leave work for the classes you’re not teaching that day. The last thing I want is someone who thinks they’re funny causing someone to trip up and burst their lip/knock out a tooth, regardless of whether it’s malicious or not. I agree it’s crap for your son, but he probably won’t do the same in future.

Original poster

GatsbyGG · 13/10/2021 21:28

@cnn27

Some schools will have policies not to bring children who they feel are likely to be a health and safety risk on trips. Could it be something like this?

I wouldn't say so. The year head told him yesterday that he is going to go on the next outing. The VP also stopped him in the hallway and told him today that he will be on the next trip too.

DS seemed OK about everything. His friend told him that he thinks it was ott and was disappointed he wasn't going with them. A few other friends commented before they left too about the weirdness of the punishment so I don't know. Anyway bottom line is DS was wreckless and he needs to focus on this never happening again.

OP posts:

FedUpMiss · 13/10/2021 21:35

Sounds like it hasn't ended on a bad note then - it's a lesson for him, and a lesson to keep his nose clean to ensure he goes on the next trip.

diddl · 15/10/2021 12:23

"Anyway bottom line is DS was wreckless and he needs to focus on this never happening again."

I think you have a good way of looking at it Op.

Get it done with & learn from it!

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