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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dd really struggling

106 replies

ShepherdMoons · 12/10/2021 06:03

I’ve posted recently about my 8 year old dd who is in a class of 10 children at school. They were a 9 but a new girl joined last term and the new girl plays with dds bestie and leaves dd out.

So far I’ve encouraged that dd plays with other people and haven’t spoken to the girls’ mums about it. Because dd is a bit lost a boy has targeted her and has been following her around the playground hitting, slapping and pushing her. He does this whilst pretending to play with her then he will change and turn mean.

Yesterday I was dropping dd off at school and he did this in front of me! As soon as dd saw this boy she turned to face the school wall and went quiet. He came and slapped her hard on the back and pushed her. When I stepped in and told him off he immediately went to his little sister and pushed her over (she fell on the floor and started crying). The mum is someone I know so I spoke to her about it afterwards. I have asked the school to keep an eye on it but dd said yesterday that she spent lunchtime trying to hide from him. The dinner ladies tend to stand in one spot and the children are expected to go to them.

I’m feeling a bit a bit of a loss as to what to do. Do I move dd to another school? AIBU to feel so upset about sending her back every day when she is so miserable? The teacher said she’d have a little word with this boy but so far it doesn’t seem like much is happening.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShepherdMoons · 12/10/2021 06:08

Sorry, I should mention that yesterday was the day I found out about the boy hitting dd! It’s been going on for longer, dd has kept it to herself.

OP posts:

ThirdElephant · 12/10/2021 06:11

Complain to the head if it's still happening. No child should have to go to school fearful of the actions of another. It is within the school's power to sort it out. It is bullying and it sounds like you need to be much more direct in getting it sorted.

LadyCampanulaTottington · 12/10/2021 06:11

This goes against what most people will say but we always taught DD to fight back. Tell her to push back, kick him or anything to defend herself. It works.

MayEye · 12/10/2021 06:12

Make yourself the biggest (nice) pain in the ass to the school until they address this! You saw what he did, your DD is afraid, this can’t be allowed to continue. I would ask for details of how they intend to protect your DD.

CalamariSprinkle · 12/10/2021 06:15

What did the boy's mum say? Was she apologetic?

I'm not in this situation but I know my sister is having this issue with my nephew being hit too. She keeps on at the school. Teaches about bullying etc and it's ok to be friends with other children.

Could she change class? Or if there only 10 in the year?

Personally I'd want the school proactively sorting it out or I'd be removing and changing school. She is far too little to be this miserable.

Original poster

ShepherdMoons · 12/10/2021 06:15

The class teacher said she would just speak to the boy, have ‘a little word’ and I asked her to ask the dinner ladies to keep an eye on it. Dd said yesterday the dinner ladies didn’t check and he (the boy) was still doing this.

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CalamariSprinkle · 12/10/2021 06:16

No one should be that miserable of course. If it were as adult you'd change jobs if nothing else could be done.

Wilkolampshade · 12/10/2021 06:23

Kick up a massive, massive fuss, you are your child's advocate now. 'A little chat' is BS, meant to placate you and belittle the incident. Also, start looking for a new school, because tbh, it doesn't sound like the school culture is going to change.

Original poster

ShepherdMoons · 12/10/2021 06:31

The boy's mum was apologetic and did say she'd ask him to say sorry to dd. She was telling me last week (before I knew he was hitting dd) that he had no friends at school and I'd felt sorry for him!

If he apologises I'm not sure he is genuine. He's quite sneaky and mum dotes on him.

Parents evening is coming up and I will speak to the teacher again about it.

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Breastfeedingworries · 12/10/2021 06:37

That’s such a small class size! You’d think teachers, staff would easily be able to control and sort this out. One hit or push and he should be firmly told and removed to see headmaster. Should be a zero tolerance policy. not sure a little chat is the right course of action. My toddler is told off and made to do time out if she hits then has to apologise....why do these idiot parents let their children be little shits. Things he should of learnt not to do! Unless there’s SEN.

Original poster

ShepherdMoons · 12/10/2021 06:41

I think a lot of things go unnoticed because the dinner ladies stand and chat in a little group and don't see what is happening. Dd said that one day she'd hid from him in a corner of the playground and he came up yelling and screaming in her face. A teacher thankfully came and told him off but it was a fluke she was passing to see it.

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LublinToDublin · 12/10/2021 06:42

Don't wait till parents evening and don't try and deal with it via the parents. Your dd is being hit at school!

With only 10 children in the class there is no excuse for the teacher not being able to observe and take action.

Is the school private?

Original poster

ShepherdMoons · 12/10/2021 06:49

No, usually there are 15 in each year group. Our year group was a quiet one, the class are mixed with the year below. The boy is in the year group below dd.

He used to be her friend, I think dd has kept this so quiet because she's genuinely confused how he's become so aggressive towards her.

The teacher really isn't very responsive, I feel like she thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing. In this boy's year group there are lots of unhappy kids, I don't know some of the mums well enough but they are 7 and going into school crying.

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THisbackwithavengeance · 12/10/2021 07:14

I'm also amazed at a class size of 10 where this nonsense goes undetected or unchallenged. Sounds like the staff are useless. I'd probably look into moving schools to somewhere where the staff give a shit.

Also agree with the poster who said encourage your DD to fight back. Bullies rely on other kids standing there and taking it. They don't actually want a scrap. Easier said than done though if you've got a quiet, gentle child. If she's not prepared to fight back, how about screaming in his face?

But enough is enough. You have been "nice" though OP and tried the gentle, reasonable approach. That didn't work, now get the big guns out and stop being nice.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 12/10/2021 07:29

I taught my daughter to scream. We practiced at home. Girls are usually encouraged to be quiet and not make a fuss. We worked until she could SCREAM. I told her the next time the bully boy at school pulled her hair (jerking her head back so far she had vertebrae pain!)
to scream loud.
She did. Everyone looked. Adults came. There were witnesses and he was right there. Things changed.

saleorbouy · 12/10/2021 15:32

I had a similar issue as a child my parent told me to ask the offender not to hit me as it was not nice and tell an adult. I was to do this twice and on the third time give them a good clout back.
It worked for me, give him some of his own medicine, this is not one off behaviour from over zealous play but persistent targeting.

Bookworm20 · 12/10/2021 16:17

@MayEye

This. You need to not them brush it under the carpet which is what happens 99% of the time.

You need to make sure that dealing with you becomes a bigger headache for them than dealing with this child. Unfortunately the only way it'll get properly dealt with.

Beamur · 12/10/2021 16:22

Two suggestions!

Tell your DD to shout, the advice upthread on this is spot on. Shout loudly and name the behaviour. STOP PUSHING ME. STOP HITTING ME.
Look at other schools.

VickyEadieofThigh · 12/10/2021 16:24

The school must have an anti-bullying policy, by law.

Invoke it immediately - put the issues in writing to the headteacher, following the steps outlined in the policy. In a school so small, there's even less excuse for staff acting on this than in other schools.

twoshedsjackson · 12/10/2021 16:25

Making a fuss is a good tactic for her and for you! If you keep bringing this up, the teacher will hopefully come to realise that this is not a "six of one and half a dozen of the other" situation; it sounds as if he is a troubled little boy, but that doesn't mean that your daughter has to bear the brunt.
I learned to make a fuss almost by accident, in my first term at school! On a day we were allowed to bring in a toy, I took one of my dollies in, and one of the other girls snatched it off me. I was genuinely bewildered and nonplussed, but after a moment, I began to wail. I'll never forget the expression of fright that came over the other little girl's face as she hastily thrust it back into my arms. I also learned the power of the well-worn phrase, "I'm telling!"

TaraR2020 · 12/10/2021 16:31

@GeorgiaGirl52

I taught my daughter to scream. We practiced at home. Girls are usually encouraged to be quiet and not make a fuss. We worked until she could SCREAM. I told her the next time the bully boy at school pulled her hair (jerking her head back so far she had vertebrae pain!) to scream loud. She did. Everyone looked. Adults came. There were witnesses and he was right there. Things changed.

I think this is a really good idea

Ligglepiggle · 12/10/2021 16:34

My ds was in a class of ten and miserable, as much as people love small class sizes I think they can be a rife for bullying and excluding kids.
I’ve moved him into a class of 30 and the difference in him is amazing, no more tears, there’s also far better facilities and engagement activities than the small school, presumably due to funding levels

Ozanj · 12/10/2021 16:40

I would change the school personally. If they can’t stamp out bullying with such small class sizes they never will.

Starfish1021 · 12/10/2021 16:48

Speak up. Insist on meeting the head tomorrow. You witnessed him hitting her. No more. You need to be far more assertive. ‘A little word’ what on Earth.

Original poster

ShepherdMoons · 12/10/2021 22:06

I spoke to the teacher again before school today and she said she would deal with it.

At lunchtime though dd said the boy was pushing her again. He uses both hands and does it with force. Her best friend tried to protect her and got pushed. He is doing this to other children too.

He told dd to not tell us or the teacher. The boys mum had sent me a message late last night saying he was heartbroken at the idea he'd upset dd. She wants me to meet her in the playground early tomorrow to sort it out.

I really have no faith in the boys mum though, he will clearly say anything in front of her. It might be better going to the head.

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