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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dd really struggling

106 replies

ShepherdMoons · 12/10/2021 06:03

I’ve posted recently about my 8 year old dd who is in a class of 10 children at school. They were a 9 but a new girl joined last term and the new girl plays with dds bestie and leaves dd out.

So far I’ve encouraged that dd plays with other people and haven’t spoken to the girls’ mums about it. Because dd is a bit lost a boy has targeted her and has been following her around the playground hitting, slapping and pushing her. He does this whilst pretending to play with her then he will change and turn mean.

Yesterday I was dropping dd off at school and he did this in front of me! As soon as dd saw this boy she turned to face the school wall and went quiet. He came and slapped her hard on the back and pushed her. When I stepped in and told him off he immediately went to his little sister and pushed her over (she fell on the floor and started crying). The mum is someone I know so I spoke to her about it afterwards. I have asked the school to keep an eye on it but dd said yesterday that she spent lunchtime trying to hide from him. The dinner ladies tend to stand in one spot and the children are expected to go to them.

I’m feeling a bit a bit of a loss as to what to do. Do I move dd to another school? AIBU to feel so upset about sending her back every day when she is so miserable? The teacher said she’d have a little word with this boy but so far it doesn’t seem like much is happening.

OP posts:

QueenBee52 · 13/10/2021 14:08

@ShepherdMoons

I spoke to the Head this morning on the way into school and explained everything, she said they will take action and I will now wait and see if they can resolve this problem.

I spoke to dd's best friend's mum this morning too and she said that she has also made a formal complaint to the school as this naughty boy put his hands round her dd's throat yesterday and tried to strangle her! He then pushed her over and she hurt her knee.

With other parents complaining, my complaint the school now MUST do something.

this is bad ... those poor kids are being seriously harmed

PaperhouseLegs · 13/10/2021 14:27

We had this with my son and another little boy at primary school when they were about 7. This little boy could be lovely, but also could be horrid, and really used to annoy DS by doing things like pushing him and running off, shouting in his face, slapping and generally being mean. DS has ASD and is very mild mannered, but one day he had absolutely reached his limit. Boy was kicking him in the back repeatedly while sitting on the mat, DS moved away twice and then punched him in the eye. Hard. Was never an issue again. I didn't tell DS it was the right thing to do, but he certainly wasn't punished by me or the school. Screaming is a great option as mentioned above -preferably right in the face of the bully as loud as possible.

Original poster

ShepherdMoons · 13/10/2021 14:30

I've encouraged dd to shout out 'STOP' or scream. She told me yesterday that nothing works and this boys seems to get worse, escalating his behaviour.

Following my conversation with the head this morning I have also emailed the school office just to confirm all this has been recorded as per their policy.

OP posts:

QueenBee52 · 13/10/2021 17:15

how was today for your Child ?

Original poster

ShepherdMoons · 13/10/2021 17:18

She has been much better thank you, she played with her friends and enjoyed her work. So pleased that we had a positive outcome today!

The boy’s mother and her MIL (who I was very good friends with before this) blanked me. My priority is dd though, her safety is the most important.

OP posts:

QueenBee52 · 13/10/2021 17:25

@ShepherdMoons

She has been much better thank you, she played with her friends and enjoyed her work. So pleased that we had a positive outcome today!

The boy’s mother and her MIL (who I was very good friends with before this) blanked me. My priority is dd though, her safety is the most important.

that's great news... yes she is your priority...

It's good news too that the 'lads' mum and MIL are ignoring you.. saves you having to listen to woeful excuses for his behaviour.. and as you know.. several others will he complaining about him too and that will continue..

so glad your Daughter is back to enjoying school.. I hope is stays this way 🌸

Original poster

ShepherdMoons · 14/10/2021 11:05

Oh dear, this has been a stressful morning! An update on the situation.

School have arranged to see the other parent today about the bullying incidents with dd and her best friend (who he tried to strangle). I have stayed away from the other parent as I know the school are sorting this out.

In the playground this morning the other mum came up and started questioning me about why I hadn't come to her about this problem, it's not serious, etc. etc. My dd was there and I said I don't want to speak about this here and that school are dealing with this. She started raising her voice and telling me that I was getting angry (which I wasn't but just insistent that I didn't want to speak to her). I turned my back on her and walked away with my dd who was getting upset.

After I dropped dd off I noticed this boy's mum going into the school office crying and the school receptionist hugging her. I sent a message via the class dojo explaining that the other mother approached me and I have explained that I don't wish to speak about this incident and that school are dealing with this.

I feel really stressed now, I really don't want to be painted as the aggressor here!!!

OP posts:

KittyWindbag · 14/10/2021 11:22

She’s minimizing her son’s violence, disgraceful to do that particularly in front of the child who is being victimized.

You did the right thing, I’d have been tempted to say ‘I did come to you, Helen, but I can’t let my daughter be hurt by your son and he wouldn’t stop’.

The school sound rubbish generally, a hook receptionist doling out hugs to parents?? Do they know each other well? It’s inappropriate. I’d be mortified if my kid was a bully, but now another parent has made a formal complaint she hasn’t got a leg to stand on. She needs to take it.

FreedomFaith · 14/10/2021 11:32

It's not your fault, she is trying to deflect and not see the issues in her son, or the issues at home, whichever is the problem. It's her problem to deal with and get help on. Your problem is protecting your daughter. I doubt other people will believe her if she starts saying her son is doing nothing, I doubt its just these two he has hurt.

QueenBee52 · 14/10/2021 11:34

Hugging a woman whose Son is strangling kids 🙄

starfishmummy · 14/10/2021 11:40

The class teacher sounds useless. Go above her to the head or the safeguarding lead.

And to the PP who mentioned SN - that doesn't matter. Even if the boy has SN he should not be doing this- obviously it might need a different approach to resolve it, but that's for the school to determine.

starfishmummy · 14/10/2021 11:42

Just read the update. You are doing the right thing. Let the school sort it out!!

Duchess379 · 14/10/2021 11:53

Well, he sounds like charming little shit. I'd be having another word with the mum tbh. So her little soldier has no friends but that doesn't give him the right to bully your daughter or his own sister.

PatchworkElmer · 14/10/2021 11:55

You’re in the right here OP- let the school sort it.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 14/10/2021 12:09

You're right to go through the school and keep pressing them to sort it out. Never mind the boy's DM, she was never going to deal well with this.

Since he is in the year below, I think it is also worth pointing out that to your DD that he is younger and she need not hesitate to push him flat on his arse. I think a lot of girls grow up without the experience of dealing with things that way, and it is actually no bad thing to learn.

BestZebbie · 14/10/2021 12:17

@QueenBee52

Hugging a woman whose Son is strangling kids 🙄

It isn't usual for a young child to think to put his hands on a girl's throat to strangle her, maybe the mum really does need a hug...

1940s · 14/10/2021 12:30

I would absolutely go insane on this. He is physically hurting and bullying her. I'd have screamed in his face when he hit her.
I'd also insist on a meeting with teacher, his parents, headteacher. If that didn't do anything id speak to social services / the school governors.

MoreAloneTime · 14/10/2021 12:58

I get why the other mum is freaking out, no one wants to be in that situation but she's being inappropriate. You handled it well, just keep staying calm and saying you don't want to discuss it, keep it through the school.

twoshedsjackson · 14/10/2021 13:09

This little boy clearly needs intervention, as I said before, although there is no way other children should be bearing the brunt of it.
One thing I noticed in one of your posts was that he was threatening his victims "not to tell" - so this is not a child who lashes out because he can't help himself, or doesn't realise what he is doing is wrong.
The mother is obviously in denial, and to some extent I think the school were "sweeping it under the carpet"; maybe the head was trying to avoid the tricky conversation, but in my experience this backfires as the child grows bolder until their behaviour cannot be ignored. But this has backfired; the can of worms is splitting wider open with each new incident.
The receptionist's behaviour was odd; has the mother been deflecting from perceived problems by steering the topic towards her own troubles when tackled before?
Having said that, it is entirely right that you are not privy to such matters, but you, and the mother of his other victim(s) equally have the right to keep your child safe.
To quote educational jargon, "Behaviour is communication", and this little boy is communicating anger and distress; for everybody's sake, he needs to be helped and stopped.

Original poster

ShepherdMoons · 14/10/2021 13:50

The class teacher has just messaged me to say that unfortunately she is unwell and not in school today. She said that the other parent will now not need to have a meeting and that the Headteacher has spoken to the boy and made him apologise to my dd.

The teacher said she felt confident that the matter was resolved but I feel disappointed as will there be no follow up to the matter? I haven't messaged back as the teacher is ill but I would have thought that the meeting with the other parent could have been rescheduled for another day.

It makes me think that the school have taken pity on the crying mother and have decided that they don't need to take any further action.

OP posts:

MoreAloneTime · 14/10/2021 13:56

Does the mother know some of the staff more personally?

Original poster

ShepherdMoons · 14/10/2021 13:58

No I don't think so.

I feel like the school are sweeping the issue under the carpet.

OP posts:

CrazyCatLazy · 14/10/2021 14:17

Oh OP I’m angry in your behalf!
I hope your DD comes out of school having had a wonderful day and the issue is resolved. But unfortunately that may not be the case, take solace in the fact that you are 100% right in fighting your DD corner as you are.

averythinline · 14/10/2021 14:42

I would email back the head asking for their plan to keep your daughter safe.? What is she to do if this happens again ....
what is their bullying policy does it say an apology then other action etc - it should do... you need to keep on at the school (whilst investigating other schools as sounds porr that they cant manage such a small class)

CasaBonita · 14/10/2021 14:43

Well clearly the Apple doesn't fall far from the tree....

The mother sounds like a manipulative witch

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