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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dd really struggling

106 replies

ShepherdMoons · 12/10/2021 06:03

I’ve posted recently about my 8 year old dd who is in a class of 10 children at school. They were a 9 but a new girl joined last term and the new girl plays with dds bestie and leaves dd out.

So far I’ve encouraged that dd plays with other people and haven’t spoken to the girls’ mums about it. Because dd is a bit lost a boy has targeted her and has been following her around the playground hitting, slapping and pushing her. He does this whilst pretending to play with her then he will change and turn mean.

Yesterday I was dropping dd off at school and he did this in front of me! As soon as dd saw this boy she turned to face the school wall and went quiet. He came and slapped her hard on the back and pushed her. When I stepped in and told him off he immediately went to his little sister and pushed her over (she fell on the floor and started crying). The mum is someone I know so I spoke to her about it afterwards. I have asked the school to keep an eye on it but dd said yesterday that she spent lunchtime trying to hide from him. The dinner ladies tend to stand in one spot and the children are expected to go to them.

I’m feeling a bit a bit of a loss as to what to do. Do I move dd to another school? AIBU to feel so upset about sending her back every day when she is so miserable? The teacher said she’d have a little word with this boy but so far it doesn’t seem like much is happening.

OP posts:

Beamur · 12/10/2021 23:44

Reassure your DD that telling someone is absolutely the right thing to do

lnsufficientFuns · 12/10/2021 23:54

GO AND RAISE HELL

It’s the only way anything is ever done - if the school doesn’t want to piss you off

I had a very similar situation and the school only got their shit together when I told the child off in front of her mother then turned around and gave the mother a bloody talking to. The teachers were all standing around gobs agape.

Prior to that the teachers had been totally pussyfooting about and being completely ineffective and it had been going on for weeks

I then went and asked the school for a copy of their bullying policy and told them that if it happened again I would be requesting a meeting with the parents and the headteacher. And if that wasn’t enough I’d go to the governors.

After that they got their shit together - but that’s what it took. To sort out one berry seven year old. Ridiculous.

lnsufficientFuns · 12/10/2021 23:54

^bratty

Original poster

ShepherdMoons · 13/10/2021 00:02

I have decided to confront the boy tomorrow with his mum. I'm tired of hearing that the dinner ladies will keep an eye out or teacher will have a 'little' word.

I am not sure how I will restrain myself, this child is making my dd and other children's lives a misery.

OP posts:

Toktokboki · 13/10/2021 00:44

I feel for you and your poor DD. Let us know how it goes. I would kick up a proper fuss so they can't ignore you,

toomuchlaundry · 13/10/2021 00:54

You should go through school not the parents. If you confront the boy you could get into serious trouble

ThirdElephant · 13/10/2021 00:54

@ShepherdMoons

I have decided to confront the boy tomorrow with his mum. I'm tired of hearing that the dinner ladies will keep an eye out or teacher will have a 'little' word.

I am not sure how I will restrain myself, this child is making my dd and other children's lives a misery.

Oh, crikey, don't do that! I've seen parents come to blows and it's really not good for anyone involved. Better to confront the school staff than another parent.

TimeForTeaAndG · 13/10/2021 00:59

Speak to the head teacher, tell them your DD is being bullied and that he has already been spoken to by the teachers and his mum.

Focus on the fact that your DD is being physically assaulted under their care and it needs to stop.

Stompythedinosaur · 13/10/2021 01:01

Don't confront the mum, no good will come of it.

Report every incident. Read the bullying policy and make sure they are following it - at our school there is a requirement to have the bullies parents into school for a meeting to discuss the issue. Ask for a clear plan about how your dd will be kept safe.

SE13Mummy · 13/10/2021 01:08

It's positive that the boy's mum is keen to get things sorted out but I'm not convinced you confronting him is going to improve the situation. Perhaps you could support his mum to ask school for help with his aggressive behaviour, go with her and advocate for the need for a much more proactive approach from the playground supervisors along with a more definite and consistent approach from the class teacher seeing as 'having a word' hasn't worked. If his mum is serious about getting this sorted, your support will be powerful given you're the parent of the victim of her child's aggression.

Original poster

ShepherdMoons · 13/10/2021 01:16

I'm not convinced the school will sort this out though, I also don't want my child to continue to be this boy's punchbag while they create strategies to manage his behaviour.

The boys mum needs to really address his behaviour and as its aggressive this needs to be sorted out as soon as possible.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShepherdMoons · 13/10/2021 01:19

Dd said that she was being pushed in the playground today by the boy again with teachers walking past 'doing nothing'. There is a culture of turning a blind eye. The head may do something but the more I think of it I believe that confronting the boy head on (not aggressively but assertively) may help to resolve the situation.

OP posts:

ThirdElephant · 13/10/2021 01:20

@ShepherdMoons

I'm not convinced the school will sort this out though, I also don't want my child to continue to be this boy's punchbag while they create strategies to manage his behaviour.

The boys mum needs to really address his behaviour and as its aggressive this needs to be sorted out as soon as possible.

You've more chance of the school sorting it than his mum- after all, his mum isn't there during the day when the behaviour is actually occurring. You need to put on your big girl pants and make damn well sure they sort it. Point out that it's a safeguarding issue, that your child does not feel safe at lunchtimes, complain about the stationary lunchtime supervisors, mention Ofsted if you have to. Ask to speak to the staff member in charge of lunches (not the dinner lady, the actual staff member with overall responsibility). But I'll tell you now, going through his parent (and the child himself) is not the way to go about it.

SE13Mummy · 13/10/2021 01:29

Your DD is being hurt by the boy whilst they're at school together. You need to give the school the opportunity to get out sorted out even if that means the boy having lunch with older children, being with an adult for the whole lunch time etc for a while whilst other things are put in place. Yes, his mum probably needs to change how she handles his aggression too but at school, it's the responsibility of the school staff to keep your DD safe so please give them the info they need to do this rather than risking an argument in front of the children in the morning.

Yaya26 · 13/10/2021 01:46

Not surprised he has no friends - the little git. Your poor little girl - losing her friend and then being bullied. You and your daughter should kick up a fuss to high heaven. As others have suggested teach her to scream loudly every time, throw hershelf on the floor shouting in pain every time he touches her. Don't settle for a little word ffs. Schedule a meeting with headteacher and show your anger, demand action to get it stomped out and threaten further action if they are ineffective. Let his mum know the extent of his behaviour and how horrible he is being. Tough if it doesnt go down well. Your daughter is the only important one here. I'd be mortified in the mums shoes. Could you do anything to encourage the reignition of your daughter's friendship? Play dates etc or would this be wise ?

QueenBee52 · 13/10/2021 02:27

imagine the fear your Daughter feels every single day she lets go of your hand and walks into school...

every play break .. fear
every lunch break .. fear
every time he passes by... fear

Teachers do nothing to help her.. Dinner ladies do nothing to help her.. he just gets away with hitting her day after day after day...

she must be in utter turmoil ..

how much does she need to suffer before someone takes real action..

I think you have been very restrained and polite about someone continually hurting your child..

rose69 · 13/10/2021 07:02

Keep her off if you can and ring the school to tell them why. A little chat from a teacher is not going to stop this if the boy is hurting your daughter in front of you.
Email to the head teacher with timeline of what has happened and ask for contacts for safeguarding lead and safeguarding governor.

toomuchlaundry · 13/10/2021 07:08

If the OP confronts the boy at school, chances are the school might ban the OP from coming into school property.

You need to follow school policies. If the school aren’t following their own policies then you may need to consider changing schools

Original poster

ShepherdMoons · 13/10/2021 07:18

If I speak to the headteacher should I ring or email? Would it be better if I put it in writing so it's recorded?

OP posts:

toomuchlaundry · 13/10/2021 07:28

It should be recorded on their safeguarding system. But to be sure you could phone and then email afterwards to confirm your understanding of the conversation

MoreAloneTime · 13/10/2021 07:29

You need to just go through the school and not confront anyone directly. Like people say nothing good will come of it.

It doesn't look good though, surely the advantage of a small school is that it's easier for the staff to keep an eye on things and be more aware of the dynamics between the kids. The staff sound bone idle and you can complain but it's hard to change a whole workplace culture. If nothing changes after speaking with the head I'd be looking at other options.

KittyWindbag · 13/10/2021 07:44

I’m so shocked by this! Your poor daughter OP. I was bullied at a similar age by a boy who also used to be my friend. He turned everyone against me. It was awful. I wish I had done as othe roosters had said and stood up for myself by shouting and calling him out. I was so ashamed. Luckily my mum kicked up a huge fuss but there were plenty of adults who minimised it, including my child minder who was best mates with his mum.

It’s so pathetic that in a class so small they can’t come down firmly on this unacceptable violence. I’m so sorry.

Fozzleyplum · 13/10/2021 07:59

I would not speak to the child's parent about this at all, and I would not do anything else that involved simply having a word with the teacher, or with anyone else.

Prepare a summary of everything that has happened to this point, including specific occasions when the boy has hurt your daughter, or at the very least an indication of how frequently this has been happening and what he's been doing. Include details of what, if anything, the lunchtime supervisors did and where they were when it happened.

List the times that you have spoken to the teacher about it and what was said and whether that have any effect.

Attach this to a letter or email to the head, marked urgent and requiring an immediate response, asking in the same letter for a copy of the school bullying policy to be sent to you by return.

Point out at the end of the letter that the school is knowingly failing to safeguard your child. You require immediate action, failing which you will take this further.

I think the advice given above about telling your daughter to scream whenever he does it, is a good plan. I would also be tempted to say that, whilst to this point you have told your daughter not to retaliate, unless measures are put in place within the next 24 hours to safeguard your child, you are going to change that advice, and coach her not to be afraid to punch her attacker as hard as she can and you will not expected there to be any adverse consequences for her if she is forced by the school's inaction, to do that. It would not be reasonable for the school to allow a boy to assault a girl repeatedly, but then to punish a girl for protecting herself. I'm not necessarily suggesting that you put this, but I would be very tempted, to see if the school swings into action to safeguard the boy, when they have shown no concern about your daughter.

Original poster

ShepherdMoons · 13/10/2021 13:37

I spoke to the Head this morning on the way into school and explained everything, she said they will take action and I will now wait and see if they can resolve this problem.

I spoke to dd's best friend's mum this morning too and she said that she has also made a formal complaint to the school as this naughty boy put his hands round her dd's throat yesterday and tried to strangle her! He then pushed her over and she hurt her knee.

With other parents complaining, my complaint the school now MUST do something.

OP posts:

FreedomFaith · 13/10/2021 13:45

@ShepherdMoons

I spoke to the Head this morning on the way into school and explained everything, she said they will take action and I will now wait and see if they can resolve this problem.

With other parents complaining, my complaint the school now MUST do something.

He tried to strangle her?! Holy shit where is he learning this?!

Something must be happening at home, so the school need to intervene. Not just for the other kids sakes, but for the boys too. Social services needs called on that family.

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