Dd really struggling

[ShepherdMoons]

I’ve posted recently about my 8 year old dd who is in a class of 10 children at school. They were a 9 but a new girl joined last term and the new girl plays with dds bestie and leaves dd out.

So far I’ve encouraged that dd plays with other people and haven’t spoken to the girls’ mums about it. Because dd is a bit lost a boy has targeted her and has been following her around the playground hitting, slapping and pushing her. He does this whilst pretending to play with her then he will change and turn mean.

Yesterday I was dropping dd off at school and he did this in front of me! As soon as dd saw this boy she turned to face the school wall and went quiet. He came and slapped her hard on the back and pushed her. When I stepped in and told him off he immediately went to his little sister and pushed her over (she fell on the floor and started crying). The mum is someone I know so I spoke to her about it afterwards. I have asked the school to keep an eye on it but dd said yesterday that she spent lunchtime trying to hide from him. The dinner ladies tend to stand in one spot and the children are expected to go to them.

I’m feeling a bit a bit of a loss as to what to do. Do I move dd to another school? AIBU to feel so upset about sending her back every day when she is so miserable? The teacher said she’d have a little word with this boy but so far it doesn’t seem like much is happening.

A little word is not good enough. I’d ask for a phone call if they won’t do a face to face meeting. She is being bullied so you need to know what their policy is on dealing with this. Don’t speak to his parent again, school need to deal with it.

First, I am sorry your DD and others are being physically assaulted at school. That is serious and should be dealt with immediately. Both the teacher and the head have failed to protect the children. So you must

1. officially contact the chair of governors to make a complaint, and quote the anti-bullying policy which will be on the school website.

1. Report this to Ofsted and ask the other parent to report to Ofsted too. They are failing in their safeguarding obligations.

I would also consider moving schools, this school is ineffective and unsafe.

I emailed the school office to confirm that all this has been logged as per their behaviour policy. As of yet I have had no email back.

I feel like this is exhausting and now I imagine a supply is teaching the class will they have been told about this issue? The boy disrupts my dd by constantly tapping her on the shoulder during lessons. Dd says the usual class teacher constantly has to remind him to stop doing it.

@Budapestdreams

Thank you, I think our messages crossed over. That is good advice.

As I advised upthread, this will not be resolved unless you give the school all the detail in writing and tell them that you will take it further if immediate steps are not taken to ensure your daughter's safety.

I had to do this for my DS many years ago in a situation which sounds very similar to your DD's. The approach worked because the school was afraid of the consequences if they did not act, and I put everything in writing, including the history of what had happened and what the school had (or rather had not) done. You should also include details of the boy telling children not to tell on him, and the mother's attempts to speak to you, and your response.

Unfortunately, it is often the case that uncomplicated, well-behaved children (and parents) are the last to be considered in a situation like this, so you have to make it untenable for the school not to address it.

Please report this to Ofsted, they should investigate and sometimes a parental complaint even triggers an inspection, especially if it is related to safeguarding.

This school are not keeping any of their children safe and that is very serious.

Like I said, I would also put it in writing to the Chair of Governors.

Good luck.

@Budapestdreams

First, I am sorry your DD and others are being physically assaulted at school. That is serious and should be dealt with immediately. Both the teacher and the head have failed to protect the children. So you must

1. officially contact the chair of governors to make a complaint, and quote the anti-bullying policy which will be on the school website.

1. Report this to Ofsted and ask the other parent to report to Ofsted too. They are failing in their safeguarding obligations.

I would also consider moving schools, this school is ineffective and unsafe.

I have to agree 🌸

@Budapestdreams

Please report this to Ofsted, they should investigate and sometimes a parental complaint even triggers an inspection, especially if it is related to safeguarding.

This school are not keeping any of their children safe and that is very serious.

Like I said, I would also put it in writing to the Chair of Governors.

Good luck.

yip I'd do this OP 🌸

I find the class teacher's message baffling; I can understand the need to postpone the meeting until she is better, but "the other parent will not now need to have a meeting" ???????
You are quite right to feel disappointed, and I would respond with a message to that effect.
e.g. Dear Ms X, I am sorry to hear that you are unwell.
I can understand the need to postpone the meeting that was planned to discuss little Damian's behaviour, but not its cancellation.
The issues which are causing my daughter distress are still in evidence, and I feel that this is a safeguarding matter as the school is failing in its duty to ensure her safety and happiness.
I should like to reschedule this meeting as a matter as a matter of urgency, as soon as your health permits.
Thanking you in anticipation of your prompt reply, and wishing you a full and speedy recovery.
Mrs ShepherdMoons
Copies to: Personal File,
Miss X
Ms Headmistress
(The last part is a gentle hint that you are keeping careful records, and that you are happy to spread the word.)

@ShepherdMoons

Oh dear, this has been a stressful morning! An update on the situation.

School have arranged to see the other parent today about the bullying incidents with dd and her best friend (who he tried to strangle). I have stayed away from the other parent as I know the school are sorting this out.

In the playground this morning the other mum came up and started questioning me about why I hadn't come to her about this problem, it's not serious, etc. etc. My dd was there and I said I don't want to speak about this here and that school are dealing with this. She started raising her voice and telling me that I was getting angry (which I wasn't but just insistent that I didn't want to speak to her). I turned my back on her and walked away with my dd who was getting upset.

After I dropped dd off I noticed this boy's mum going into the school office crying and the school receptionist hugging her. I sent a message via the class dojo explaining that the other mother approached me and I have explained that I don't wish to speak about this incident and that school are dealing with this.

I feel really stressed now, I really don't want to be painted as the aggressor here!!!

Sorry, did the boy's come ask you hadn't come to her?

She is being a twat, as you did speak to her I believe?

@Shepherdmoons
My nephew was getting this at school a few years ago nothing being done his mum went to the mum to many time to count, was fed up with it so said to the mum nxt time you son touches my son I'm going to beat you. Well nephew came home with it again she went round knocked the boys door she answered and my sil trailed her out and beat her, told her everytime you son beats mine I'm going to beat you well it never happened again.

[quote Babyghirl]@Shepherdmoons
My nephew was getting this at school a few years ago nothing being done his mum went to the mum to many time to count, was fed up with it so said to the mum nxt time you son touches my son I'm going to beat you. Well nephew came home with it again she went round knocked the boys door she answered and my sil trailed her out and beat her, told her everytime you son beats mine I'm going to beat you well it never happened again.[/quote]
Erm - don't follow this advice!

I'd respond and say fine, if you're that confident that it's resolved you won't mind me saying that one more incident and they will be reported to OFSTED.

[quote Babyghirl]@Shepherdmoons
My nephew was getting this at school a few years ago nothing being done his mum went to the mum to many time to count, was fed up with it so said to the mum nxt time you son touches my son I'm going to beat you. Well nephew came home with it again she went round knocked the boys door she answered and my sil trailed her out and beat her, told her everytime you son beats mine I'm going to beat you well it never happened again.[/quote]
Most ridiculous piece of advice ever given on MN. Please don't even pay this any attention. You did the right thing when you walked away.

@Toktokboki
@SeasonFinale

It was not advice I was giving, when my nephew was coming home for 6 months in tears nothing being done the wee boys mother not doing a thing, my sil had enough and took matters in to her own hands as no one was doing nothing. My nephew was suffering a note from him in the bathroom that he was useless and worth nothing due to this wee boy so something had to be done to get through to the wee boy and family. His mum taking a beating wS better than finding my 9 year old nephew at the time dead.

[quote Babyghirl]@Toktokboki
@SeasonFinale

It was not advice I was giving, when my nephew was coming home for 6 months in tears nothing being done the wee boys mother not doing a thing, my sil had enough and took matters in to her own hands as no one was doing nothing. My nephew was suffering a note from him in the bathroom that he was useless and worth nothing due to this wee boy so something had to be done to get through to the wee boy and family. His mum taking a beating wS better than finding my 9 year old nephew at the time dead.[/quote]
So you still think this was appropriate. There were definitely other routes your SIL could have taken through the proper channels at school and through the complaints procedure at school, through Ofsted and through the police if it was severe and the child was not being kept safe. I am afraid I hope that your SIL was prosecuted for "beating" someone.

What if the other mums better at fighting? Or am I missing the point because that advice is so out there?

@SeasonFinale
No funny enough she wasn't if the woman was good enough to turn a blind eye to what her son was doing, she was good enough to pay the price.
And it was nt just in the school it was in the street after school while out playing oh and he was a year above my nephew.

No one was listening to her so she had to take matters in to her own hands to protect her son after 6 months of hell.

How awful for you both.

I completely agree with document all your attempts.

IMO in these situations a papertrail that can't be denied is critical.

Schools don't like complaints on paper as they have to be documented and produced at point of inspection (this is what I have been told, I hope it is correct).

So the more detail of all your efforts that have been dismissed the better.

Also don't be discreet, make it known to parents that you have had to make a formal complaint to the governors/board of management.

She is a small child, she needs protecting.

It is very poor that they have dismissed her safety easily.

I would continue to plague them.

It is a small school, it really isn't hard to stop this if they would just do their job.

If the class teacher is seriously unwell, it might be better to go directly to the head, but I would still emphasise how important it is to leave a paper trail, being clear and open about the fact that you are circulating copies to interested parties.
Perhaps in the circumstances, you might want to "go to the top" on the grounds that the class teacher needs time to recover in peace. but I would marshal your facts beforehand, especially as you are not naturally inclined to make a fuss.
The head needs to look to management issues; the lunchtime supervisors are not employed to chat cosily in a group, expecting the children to come to them if there are problems; they should be proactively patrolling the playground, interacting positively with the children and encouraging them to interact happily. When I was on the playground duty roster (oh happy days!) we would divide supervision up into specific areas, and one was most definitely the illicit "lurking spots".
Children's squabbles are part of school life, but if there is a particular "common denominator" coming to regular attention, a more positive intervention is needed. One of my charges told me of a tactic we never had to use; his brother was at another school, and for a brief period, his mother was obliged to collect him every lunchtime, as that was the time when matters got out of hand.
It seems as if the mother is deflecting with "woe is me", and the painful issue of what is causing this behaviour is being avoided. You said in your OP that you felt sorry for him having no friends, before working out why!
The school is obliged to have an anti-bullying policy, and this should be on the school website. Why not print it out and go through it with a highlighter? Harder to argue against your own policy.
The governing body need to know what is going on, if they have any sense they will be grateful to have matters drawn to their attention - better that than being hauled over the coals by OFSTED!
I'm not sure where half-term falls in your local authority, but it would be better to raise these matters before the break begins; better than letting things fester!

[quote Babyghirl]@SeasonFinale
No funny enough she wasn't if the woman was good enough to turn a blind eye to what her son was doing, she was good enough to pay the price.
And it was nt just in the school it was in the street after school while out playing oh and he was a year above my nephew.

No one was listening to her so she had to take matters in to her own hands to protect her son after 6 months of hell.[/quote]
Wow and you think that makes it all the better?!!! Good grief.

She did not have to take the matter into her own hands by being violent.

Thank you, the lunchtime supervisors stand in one spot. They don't circulate round the playground. When I've dropped in occasionally to drop off money or things for the school this is something I've noticed.

Driving to dd's grandma house this morning dd said mummy that school looks nice (different school miles away). I asked her if everything felt better now at her school and she said the boy was now leaving her alone.

Her best friend and the new girl apparently are still leaving her out. Dd's best friend says to her that dd needs to stand on the other side of the playground because the best friend and the new girl are partners. This leaves dd alone.

I'm really upset for her but see these problems getting worse as time goes on. It's a small school and with only 5 girls in dds class I see that by year 5 these issues will be very bad.

After what has happened recently I don't see much point in speaking to the girls' mums. In front of us dds best friend keeps hugging and kissing her. All of this is very confusing for dd. I'm seriously considering moving schools.

It's very exhausting constantly fighting these battles! Is this normal? Dd is my only child!

Hi, sorry to hear your DD is going through this. Yes, friendship issues are normal to a certain extent.
However, your DD is being excluded by her best friend and physically assaulted by another child. Don't underestimate how damaging that can be to her self esteem long term.

It is a small school and they would/should fail the safeguarding part of an Ofsted inspection. Things probably won't improve and I would definitely look into moving her to a larger school.

If I was you I would contact any other local schools that you could realistically take her to, see who has places available and go and visit them with your DD. Ask them about safeguarding when you look around.

I would move my child in this case, as long as I could find a larger school that seemed nice.

I would be livid with rage if my DD was being assaulted by a boy every day. What a little shit, at 8 he absolutely knows better.

The friendship thing is so hard to navigate too. There's no guarantee a new school would improve things so I'd maybe give it a little more time and keep encouraging her to play with others.

Thank you, I know these friendship issues have been ongoing for a long time but I've assumed they would resolve themselves eventually. The issue with the bullying seems to be being dealt with.

I probably shouldn't have messaged dds best friends mum but I have done. I'm not sure if this will make much of a difference but I have to try everything. I will ring on Monday to find out if there are some places at other schools in the area.