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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DIL self-obsessed or what?

92 replies

Casiloco · 12/10/2021 02:35

Changed some details as otherwise outing.

Elder DB is essentially a good, kind man but a bit odd and has often been on the fringes of the family (4 siblings) partly due to SIL who has been rehearsing for the role of victim ever since I've known her. Was always "not feeling too good" " think I'm coming down with something" or " still getting over a bug" whenever anyone asked.

Sadly, she is genuinely not v well now with a chronic condition and I probably should be more sympathetic. She now largely absents herself from family gatherings and DB comes on his own. He has recently had a minor heart condition and we offered help, as she could/would not go to the hospital with him. In the end, that help was not needed but our understanding was that the treatment had gone well.

Me, my DH and immediate family have been through a really horrendous time over the last couple of years (I know, who hasn't?!) but on top of the normal pandemic-related stuff, we have had seriously high levels of work stress, one DD with a serious condition which meant many hours of support for her and DSiL were needed. DS has been awaiting treatment for v painful and exhausting condition (urgent list for many months!) and has also needed practical and emotional help. He and his wife have just had first baby and got a stroppy message from her this week, complaining that they didn't even know she was pregnant and that the announcement that DS made on FB didn't show on her feed.

Apparently they are fed up with being the last to know and my DB has had follow-on complications which mean they have had an awful 18 months ( which may, of course, be true).
I have felt close to breaking point mentally at times over the last little while and exhausted at the end of each day. Have found it hard to remember who has been told what and find that a strain. This is not like me as I am normally the one making sure that everyone is Ok.

DS has also not been in a position to manage making sure that everyone was" in the picture", given his health.

Having explained all that, she then queried why I had not let them know of our troubles (she is the last person I would go to for support) which is ironic bearing in mind she hadn't let me know that DB was still having health problems and needing treatment.

There was then an exchange of messages which predictably barely mentioned our situation or asked any questions and just focused on how dreadful everything was for them. She mentioned that just a text or phone message " would have been nice" but why is that always down to me? She could have done the same!

Sorry, just venting really, but she has seriously pissed me off.

OP posts:
DobbyHP · 12/10/2021 02:53

Is the title suppose to say SIL as apposed to DIL?

Or do I need to again read the thread ha!

Original poster
Casiloco · 12/10/2021 02:55

OOPS - major fail. Must be tired! YES it's SIL NOT DIL!

Thanks @DobbyHP

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/10/2021 02:55

I would be taking a massive step back and allowing her to deal with her own problems. You've got enough of your own. She does not have the right to make you her emotional punching bag, and you need to set firm boundaries to ensure that doesn't happen.

JustGiveMeGin · 12/10/2021 06:14

I wouldn't pussy foot around, I would send a message back detailing exactly what you have dealt with over the last 18 months (or a variation depending how private it is) and ask where her offers of support were.
I am totally done with the victim mentally of some people at the moment though so maybe not the best person to give advice!

Redlorryyellowlorryblue · 12/10/2021 06:18

“Why is this always down to me?”

Have you said that to her?

Robostripes · 12/10/2021 06:27

It sounds like you have an awful lot going on which must be very stressful. However I do think it’s a bit strange that at no point in the 9 months DIL was pregnant you didn’t think to mention it to your DB? Usually pregnancies are happy news that people are excited to share, so it’s not a chore that you think “oh no another thing on my to-do list to tell people”. If my SIL hadn’t mentioned to me or DH at all that our DN was having a baby I’d be very surprised when it arrived and hurt we hadn’t been told.

Orangejuicemarathoner · 12/10/2021 06:31

very very strange not to mention it. You clearly dont like her at all

DDiva · 12/10/2021 06:36

It sounds like life has been stressful for you all recently and you've had little communication. It's understandable that you've all been dealing with your own lives and have both not kept each other upto date. It is particularly odd that no one in the family, yourself, your son or your siblings had mentioned the pregnancy and sharing this news I wouldn't see as a chore.

You seem a bit hung up on.sil being needy and always having a 'harder time' but it does sound like they've had a stressful time too. Maybe just apologise if they weren't kept in the loop and say we must keep in touch better, if that's what you want.

JapanJetplane · 12/10/2021 06:39

She sounds generally difficult and exhausting but I think it’s really, really weird that you never mentioned to your brother that your son was expecting a baby.

Tailendofsummer · 12/10/2021 06:41

She sounds needy but you do sound dismissive of whatever conditions she has - they matter more when they're happening to your children, but not to her or her husband (your brother!) A minor heart condition still sounds pretty worrying to me! I wouldn't share the stresses and stuff but why not say "Good news - baby on the way!" to your own brother?

Mumdiva99 · 12/10/2021 06:42

Apologies if it isn't like this in real life but that sounded a bit like competitive moaning.....who's had it worst.....

Surely when you've seen DB the PG would be mentioned. Therefore it would be down to him to tell his wife. If you haven't seen DB then that's all you say when questioned by SiL - sorry we haven't seen you in the last year that's why you didn't know.

Equally your son is a man in his own right. He and his Uncle and Aunt can have their own relationship independently of you. How many times do they speak? Did he tell them? Do they phone each other regularly? I am very aware I am an adult and how well I get on with my Aunts (no uncles here) is down to me. We message and WhatsApp each other. If I was PG I would definitely tell them.....and did when I was.

HappyTimeTunnelDinosaur · 12/10/2021 06:44

I agree with @JapanJetplane , even if you are stressed and times are tough a new baby on the way is news people usually share with their family, even if only via a quick text message or something.

IWantT0BreakFree · 12/10/2021 06:46

It is extremely odd that nobody could find time to let your brother and his wife know about their nephew’s baby news. It would have taken less than a minute at any point over the previous 6+ months to fire off a text message. I don’t see how you are at all surprised that this has upset them. It’s obviously a massive “up yours” and that’s how they’ve taken it.

I’m sure you’ve had a horrendous time but it sounds like they have too, although you seem to be implying that a lot of their issues are down to SIL being dramatic. If you’ve had it tough, surely you can now understand a little more of what it’s like to live with a chronic illness? I think you just don’t like her and want her to know that.

CoffeeRunner · 12/10/2021 06:50

It sounds as though neither one of you is truly appreciating how much rubbish the other has been through recently.

You say yourself DB has always been at the edge of the family, maybe they have a point about him being the last to know everytime?

Thatsplentyjack · 12/10/2021 06:51

Ok, so you're not keen on sil and didn't mention it to her but why did you not tell your brother? That seems a bit odd. Have you not spoked to him in months?

Thesearmsofmine · 12/10/2021 06:54

You clearly dislike sil and are unsympathetic to her illness and she is probably well aware of that.
It is very odd that nobody mentioned the pregnancy to them, even in my non close family it would be news to be shared and people would be
hurt if it wasn’t.

Cherrysoup · 12/10/2021 07:01

Do you not meet up face to face? Even with my db on the other side of the world and very rarely being in contact , I can’t imagine him not knowing something this significant. I think I’d just tell her you’re exhausted and you are not in a position to ensure that everyone is kept in touch. Also, it’s not your problem, is it?

JumperandJacket · 12/10/2021 07:17

It’s really odd that nobody mentioned the baby to DB and I’m not surprised he’s hurt. Someone should apologise, whether that’s you or DS or ideally both.

Other than that, all of you have had a tough time. It’s obvious you and SIL don’t get on but not really worth being angry about.

tickledtiger · 12/10/2021 07:19

Neither of you is sympathetic to the other. This doesn’t sound like a one way issue sorry.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 12/10/2021 07:22

It sounds like she could have written a similar thread about you.

HumphreyCobblers · 12/10/2021 07:23

Well neither one is sympathetic to the other might be true, but only one party is having a go at the other about it.

Redjumper1 · 12/10/2021 07:28

You do not like your SIL at all and it is very very obvious. She doesn't attend functions because of this, she feels excluded because she is. Nobody is "too busy" to not send a text. You had the time to post here. She has a serious illness and you have no sympathy. Given her health, I'd just leave her alone going forward. You can contact your DB directly. Let it go.

User112 · 12/10/2021 07:29

Pregnancy is 9 months long. It’s surprising not ONE person in your family thought of sharing the news with her. It’s actually difficult to not share, you must have gone out of your way to make sure she doesn’t know and now turning it all on her.

Seriously? If you are trying to keep her out, it’s ok. Say it. It’s hard to believe it all just happened!!

ANameChangeAgain · 12/10/2021 07:32

People know when you don't like them, it makes them feel uncomfortable. Even if you pretend to all be friends, there is a undercurrent of awkwardness. This is why she doesn't come to your family get togethers. I feel like this with my SILs, they are friendly enough but there are always little passive aggressive remarks, in jokes and glances. Nothing specific but enough to know there is an undercurrent, so I avoid them.
I'm sorry you've had a difficult couple of years, but perhaps this has brought it all to the front?

Dahliadelight · 12/10/2021 07:35

People are told what they deserve, and by that I mean if you are a supportive and involved member of the family or friend then you would be at the front of people’s mind to share news.
This person sounds as if she feels she has a right to all the news and ‘gossip’, but isn’t really present. It’s surprising she wasn’t told about the pregnancy, but let’s face it, if you don’t really speak to people much or they only focussed on themselves, this is the result.

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