DIL self-obsessed or what?

[Casiloco]

Changed some details as otherwise outing.

Elder DB is essentially a good, kind man but a bit odd and has often been on the fringes of the family (4 siblings) partly due to SIL who has been rehearsing for the role of victim ever since I've known her. Was always "not feeling too good" " think I'm coming down with something" or " still getting over a bug" whenever anyone asked.

Sadly, she is genuinely not v well now with a chronic condition and I probably should be more sympathetic. She now largely absents herself from family gatherings and DB comes on his own. He has recently had a minor heart condition and we offered help, as she could/would not go to the hospital with him. In the end, that help was not needed but our understanding was that the treatment had gone well.

Me, my DH and immediate family have been through a really horrendous time over the last couple of years (I know, who hasn't?!) but on top of the normal pandemic-related stuff, we have had seriously high levels of work stress, one DD with a serious condition which meant many hours of support for her and DSiL were needed. DS has been awaiting treatment for v painful and exhausting condition (urgent list for many months!) and has also needed practical and emotional help. He and his wife have just had first baby and got a stroppy message from her this week, complaining that they didn't even know she was pregnant and that the announcement that DS made on FB didn't show on her feed.

Apparently they are fed up with being the last to know and my DB has had follow-on complications which mean they have had an awful 18 months ( which may, of course, be true).
I have felt close to breaking point mentally at times over the last little while and exhausted at the end of each day. Have found it hard to remember who has been told what and find that a strain. This is not like me as I am normally the one making sure that everyone is Ok.

DS has also not been in a position to manage making sure that everyone was" in the picture", given his health.

Having explained all that, she then queried why I had not let them know of our troubles (she is the last person I would go to for support) which is ironic bearing in mind she hadn't let me know that DB was still having health problems and needing treatment.

There was then an exchange of messages which predictably barely mentioned our situation or asked any questions and just focused on how dreadful everything was for them. She mentioned that just a text or phone message " would have been nice" but why is that always down to me? She could have done the same!

Sorry, just venting really, but she has seriously pissed me off.

You sound like my MIL whinging about her Sister in laws and various other relatives.

MIL has really high expectations of how others should behave towards her/ the faaaamily and they aren't met would do something incredibly petty like 'not mention' a family pregnancy because she felt slighted in some way.

It's all very tiring

Don't try to reason with the unreasonable. Disengage! She will drive you crazy.

You're both just not that close, you both need to accept that. Don't be made to feel nor expect these responsibilities of communication.

I didn't want my post to be too lengthy so didn't give the whole history of her continually prioritising her own troubles over and above everyone else's in the family (not just me!)

Yes, DS could have made more sure that she and DB knew about pregnancy - but he has been in high levels of pain for over a year and, y'know, sometimes that means your communication is not going o be the best!

I have never expected or received any support from her as she always has been the one looking for support. Again, this applies to all of us. I can't say she is my favourite person, no but I have been sympathetic previously to her woes - both real and exaggerated - and this would have been the first time in a 30-year relationship when she could have actually put our needs ahead of her own.

The rest of the family have been on the end of her lifelong pity-party and are thoroughly fed up with it too.

See, there you go again! Your DS has had high levels of pain and was unable to communicate, but have you thought that your SIL might also have had high levels of pain? What if I said that I didn’t believe your DS had been suffering pain? That it was all in his head and that he was a self pitying whinger? Doesn’t feel so good now does it? People like you, who dismiss the pain and suffering of others, are really not nice people 😕

Haha, to those who think it's competitive moaning. SIL would win the Gold medal against just about anyone alive. As for us not making the effort, we have invited them round fairly frequently, been kind (yes, even though I find her difficult) and supportive for YEARS. She and DB have withdrawn to a large extent - not just from us as a family, but from mutual friends as well.

She has never invited us round to their new house (4 years moved) and never misses an opportunity to put the onus on us to retain the relationship.

A mutual friend of many years died a couple of years ago and she went into mourning as if it had been her other half. She even went to said friend's close family looking for sympathy rather than to offer her support!
My post is me "snapping" after bloody years of being on the end of her complaints - and I have not for many years looked for support from her or talked about any family difficulties, as the subject would always revert to her anyway.

When you are completely mentally drained, you don't always remember who you have spoken to and who you haven't to check that everyone has all the latest news. Even a short text sounds like it's easy but it's not that you can't do it, it's that mentally you forget. Both DS and I have been in that place and all I wanted was for her - just once - to acknowledge that she is not the only one with issues.

I have confirmed that she now has genuine health problems, so not sure why some are making out that I haven't. Doesn't mean that the subject of every bloody conversation has to be around that.

My other DSiL has a recurrence of cancer - but has not been in touch much with the whinger much as she cannot deal with how the conversation would go ...

No, sorry, your subsequent posts are sending me further over to SIL side. You just don't like her!

You really don't like her!
When you are completely mentally drained, you don't always remember who you have spoken to and who you haven't to check that everyone has all the latest news. Even a short text sounds like it's easy but it's not that you can't do it, it's that mentally you forget. Both DS and I have been in that place and all I wanted was for her - just once - to acknowledge that she is not the only one with issues.
Why when you're so derogatory about her issues?

@PrettyVavancy

I have never dismissed her pain - as I have said several times, for years we have listened, brought pressies, been helpful in practical ways.

BUT I am not the one who had a go at a family member without stopping to wonder what sort of pressures they might have been through themselves. I have never questioned her - now - genuine health concerns but being ill doesn't mean you get to be the only one deserving of kindness.

What were you hoping to get from posting here?

OP, clearly she is a difficult woman

But you keep saying you were never dismissive of her pain and always sympathetic etc and yet two posts ago "but I have been sympathetic previously to her woes - both real and exaggerated"

The fact that she is now diagnosed means she probably wasn't exaggerating and you do seem quite dismissive

That being said, she is clearly hard work

I’m sorry but you obviously detest the woman, so don’t dress it up. Why not simply tell her to eff off and keep out of her way from now and for ever. I still maintain that YOU don’t get to determine the ‘truth’ of anyone else’s chronic illness though. I’m stoic about mine, because I’ve been ill since childhood, but I have a loving and sympathetic family who always check how I’m feeling before we commit to doing things and it makes my life so much nicer. I’d hate it if they all resented me and disbelieved me when I was feeling ropey. They are all independent and will carry on with their plans without me, if needs be.

You don’t like her. So you do petty things to get a reaction.
If someone I don’t like is pissed of with me at something I did or didn’t do, I’d ignore them and their moaning completely! Why do you care about what your SIL thinks when you clearly don’t like her!!

@RightSaidPleb

The"exaggerated" bit comes from the fact that there have been times when, for example, she has been too unwell to visit her own DD around Christmas - they have been semi-estranged for years - but able on the same date to go shopping in London. So she has, over the years, gradually become more unwell, but has always been selective as to what that unwellness permitted. She didn't come to my DM's wake but managed the SAME DAY to go shopping. Shopping is her thing - she is v fashion-conscious and always looks good.
I'm afraid it all makes the rest of us rather cynical, which is sad because actually I do want to support her, even though some of you clearly don't believe me.

All the other parties in this family are adults.

Its not your job to be a go-between

They are able to communicate directly. Suggest that they do, and leave you out of it as its not your responsibility to be everyone else's PA.

I feel like your OP used a lot of words to say - we forgot to tell my DB and DSIL that we were grandparents and they found out on FB. Regardless of all the other stuff - considering you say you care for your DB then it's a bit shit that neither you nor your adult DS told his uncle he'd had his first baby.
I'm not even going to address the competitive complaining on both sides and the misunderstanding of chronic pain conditions. Other PPs have already done it.

Personally I would just send an apology even if you aren't feeling it.
Then go out and do something refreshing - eg a lovely woodland walk

It will draw a line in all this angst.

Holding on to all this resentment is going to make you stressed and ill

Its very possible with a chronic illness that shopping would be possible but attending a wake where everyone hates you wouldn't be.

I mean it’s basically family members whingeing about each other. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I don't know why you are getting such a hard time on here, it sounds like you are trying, all the effort has always come from your side and she is difficult. It also sounds like she can be quite self-centred if she is ok to go shopping but can't go to a wake on the same day. I can see that if you are busy with work and other issues, it is easy to forget who you have spoken to/texted about the new baby. When you are struggling to keep your head above water, it is easy to forget things. I would just keep it civil, try a bit and let them get on with it.

OP,

You don't like her, which is absolutely your choice.
She sounds like a moan and a whine.
Both are tedious and exhausting.

You have had, and continue to have, a very tough time.

Don't waste energy with annoyance or upset, I would just avoid her like the plague.

She brings nothing but negatively to your life.

I honestly do not see the value in engaging or entertaining people like her.

Leave her to your brother and other family members.

You need to focus on your immediate family and keeping yourself well.

Avoid her calls and do not be guilted by anyone.

Just keeping saying on a loop I have too much going on.

@SecretDoor

Personally I would just send an apology even if you aren't feeling it. Then go out and do something refreshing - eg a lovely woodland walk

It will draw a line in all this angst.

Holding on to all this resentment is going to make you stressed and ill

Do this. Don't let it bother you, let her get on with it.

She sounds exhausting. And now I’m wondering if she’s played wolf once too often.
Id be hurt if someone couldn’t come to my DM’s wake but could go shopping. I’d be keeping my distance

I think a lot of this could be solved by speaking directly to your brother, OP. You didn't know he had ongoing health issues and he didn't know you were about to become grandparents. When was the last time you had a chat with your brother rather than his wife?

Have you talked to her or only your DS?