DIL self-obsessed or what?

[Casiloco]

Changed some details as otherwise outing.

Elder DB is essentially a good, kind man but a bit odd and has often been on the fringes of the family (4 siblings) partly due to SIL who has been rehearsing for the role of victim ever since I've known her. Was always "not feeling too good" " think I'm coming down with something" or " still getting over a bug" whenever anyone asked.

Sadly, she is genuinely not v well now with a chronic condition and I probably should be more sympathetic. She now largely absents herself from family gatherings and DB comes on his own. He has recently had a minor heart condition and we offered help, as she could/would not go to the hospital with him. In the end, that help was not needed but our understanding was that the treatment had gone well.

Me, my DH and immediate family have been through a really horrendous time over the last couple of years (I know, who hasn't?!) but on top of the normal pandemic-related stuff, we have had seriously high levels of work stress, one DD with a serious condition which meant many hours of support for her and DSiL were needed. DS has been awaiting treatment for v painful and exhausting condition (urgent list for many months!) and has also needed practical and emotional help. He and his wife have just had first baby and got a stroppy message from her this week, complaining that they didn't even know she was pregnant and that the announcement that DS made on FB didn't show on her feed.

Apparently they are fed up with being the last to know and my DB has had follow-on complications which mean they have had an awful 18 months ( which may, of course, be true).
I have felt close to breaking point mentally at times over the last little while and exhausted at the end of each day. Have found it hard to remember who has been told what and find that a strain. This is not like me as I am normally the one making sure that everyone is Ok.

DS has also not been in a position to manage making sure that everyone was" in the picture", given his health.

Having explained all that, she then queried why I had not let them know of our troubles (she is the last person I would go to for support) which is ironic bearing in mind she hadn't let me know that DB was still having health problems and needing treatment.

There was then an exchange of messages which predictably barely mentioned our situation or asked any questions and just focused on how dreadful everything was for them. She mentioned that just a text or phone message " would have been nice" but why is that always down to me? She could have done the same!

Sorry, just venting really, but she has seriously pissed me off.

This is very much Pot Kettle

I don't really understand. You say you have been strained caring for your DD and your SIL yet you clearly haven't even spoken to them in 18 months, otherwise you'd have known your DB wasn't doing well. How can you have been caring for her when you haven't even spoken to her?

Why has no one from your family spoken to your DB about your sons pregnancy? You say he's been in too much pain, but not too much to have a child or post on Facebook. That's really bizarre tbh

It sounds like you have endless excuses for your family. Endless points as to why your mentally exhausted, but she's not allowed to be in pain or mentally exhausted either. You clearly cannot stand the woman, at least admit it.

You don't like her. That's okay. You don't have to.

But at the nub of this is that no-one could be bothered to tell her and your DB about the pregnancy. And I'm sorry, but that's on you and your family. Whatever shit you've been going through (and I'm sadly only too aware of how life can throw crisis after crisis at a person) it's not really an excuse. You could have told them and you didnt.

It's really simple and appropriate to send a straightforward apology.

"I'm so sorry that you didn't know. I think that DS and I each assumed that the other had told you. I quite understand that you must be hurt to be out of the loop. We'd love to see you sometime soon, and you can meet the baby".

Job done.

No, it doesn’t sound like OP likes her. I’m not sure I would like someone who skipped her own MIL’s, my DM’s funeral because she was sick but then went shopping on London.

You don't like her, she doesn't like you.
So where do you go from here?
You need to work out if you want a relationship with them and if so how can you go about building that. Alternatively you might decide its not worth it and both quietly walk away.
But don't tear each other apart. Really. It's not worth it. Life is too short and you will both end up damaged.

Just disengage.

I wouldn't have responded to her message at all. Let her send her whinging into the ether.

I'm not an arsey person, I get on very well with my sil, my mil, my fil. Bil however is simply nasty and always spoiling for some sort of scrap or argument. So I just don't engage at all. He manages to argue with almost everyone so there's no need for me to get involved in his ridiculous behaviour.

No one telling her about a baby is a pretty big omission - surely someone - you, your DS, your DDIL or another family member who knew could have dropped her a text ? You can;t all have been mentally drained and in pain at the same time for 6 months, there must have been a minute when someone could think to send her a text.

You need to either decide you want nothing more to do with her, or you want to maintain some level of relationship. At the moment it is all competitive moaning and competitive non communication.
If you want to continue contact, just message her and say there seem to have been misunderstandings and omissions on both parts, agree to draw a line and say let's all try to communicate a bit better in future.

Then just accept the way things are without getting so stressed about it. She doesn't come o family stuff - that's fine they aren't compulsory, she obviously doesn't enjoy them. Don;t stress it - doesn't sound as if anyone misses her presence much anyway. If anything major is happening text the bare facts, and ask her to do the same. You can all stay in the loop without needing to be close or particularly liking each other.

She sounds a bit of a drama queen, all about her type and will never change.

Concentrate on your own family and try not to get drawn into her moans/whinging etc. Keep conversations/messages brief and to the point and don't apologise for what she perceives you have done wrong. Don't enable her to continue her pity party.

Distance yourself to keep sanity. Good luck @Casiloco

Sounds like you both have a lot going on and there is a bit of a clash as you both play "I've got it harder than you" top trumps.

It appears you are very LC anyway if it has never come up in conversation that your ds and his dw were expecting a child. It is probably time you were all honest with yourselves and each other about your relationships, you are related, but not close and just don't know what is going on in each others lives. Lots of families are like this, you don't need to pretend differently to each other, it is just resulting in confused expectations.

Once you are honest about it you can all stop getting the hump about who isn't communicating or helping and decide if you want to continue with LC or get closer. As you don't seem to like each other, probably best to stick with LC.

You both sound self-absorbed in your own troubles. It's no reflection on either of you and I doubt either of you will change. You're focused on your own insular family issues, OP. That's fine but why should somebody 'not in the know' make your little family a priority?

Your son's condition, your SIL's condition... all pertinent to the people involved. She's not involved with your son and you're not involved with her. Six of one...

You don't like each other, that's clear. The gossiping in the family though would make me distance myself from all of you. Leave her alone.

@TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat

Why are the men in your family not expected to communicate anything themselves?

THIS.

@RedToothBrush

All the other parties in this family are adults.

Its not your job to be a go-between

They are able to communicate directly. Suggest that they do, and leave you out of it as its not your responsibility to be everyone else's PA.

Exactly this.

Sounds like you and your DIL are identical.

You both are really sick. You both have it much worse than the other. You both swear your situations are more dire than the other. You both insist you have it worse over the other person.

You sound absolutely identical.

@Thesearmsofmine

You clearly dislike sil and are unsympathetic to her illness and she is probably well aware of that. It is very odd that nobody mentioned the pregnancy to them, even in my non close family it would be news to be shared and people would be hurt if it wasn’t.

Yep this!

Thanks for those who have made practical suggestions which might help get us to the point where we can be civil to one another.

To those who are saying we are the same, no doubt we can all prioritise our own close family’s problems over others at times. The point is she has done this in relation to not just me but our whole family over many years.
This is the first time I’ve actually challenged the “me, me, me” narrative in 30 years! So no I don’t buy the narrative that somehow that puts me in the same bracket.
I have good relationships with all the rest of my family, she doesn’t. I am close to both nuclear and extended family, she is not even on speaking terms with her own DD. I think that says a lot.

I realise I've omitted saying that I have already apologised.

OP I think you just need to do what makes you more comfortable, low contact is totally fine. I’ve got relatives that think the world revolves around them too and find our relationship is kept civil by low contact. It’s not your fault your DSs Facebook post wasn’t visible to your SIL, maybe send a photo of the baby to all your siblings (and their partners) at the same time and then draw a line under this episode. 🌸

@Holly60

Of course it is news to be shared and my DS thought he had! But, what with pandemic etc we have not seen much of each other at all over the last few months, so there have not been those usual conversations.

I've apologised as you would in these circumstances but apparently that is not enough. Interestingly, in thinking about this all, I remembered just yesterday that one of my nephews and his wife had a baby around 10 weeks ago that we only knew about when the pregnancy was v well advanced.
We get on well with them and - in a more normal year - would have had fairly regular contact but when I heard my thinking was simply "it's been a difficult time, pleased for them and understand why they may not have had headspace to communicate as well as normal" . I was not in the least bit upset.

It seems to me life is too short to turn these things into dramas.

@Milliepossum

Wise words, thanks.