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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What does "I don't want to have sex mean"?

122 replies

PilatesPeach · 11/10/2021 19:10

This is about me. I said to chap on 1st date right at the outset that I did not want to have sex - those were my words - he takes that to mean I do not want PIV intercourse but otherwise all else ok eg bjs and him making me come. I feel that is splitting hairs and felt quite uncomfortable and pissed off, especially when accompanied with "aw, common on baby...."
I am not a prude but wanted to have a date to get to know each other properly with no expectations on sex on first date - yes I have done this before but things happen in life and now would prefer to wait till a few dates in.

OP posts:
Original poster
PilatesPeach · 11/10/2021 20:19

@BertramLacey my apologies - I did say in my experience.

OP posts:
DroopyClematis · 11/10/2021 20:19

I wouldn't have a bj or to expect to come on a first date.

H8H8H8 · 11/10/2021 20:23

Anyone “too tired” to follow through on FIRST DATE(!) plans is clearly someone to avoid.

Lesson learned right there for future, OP.

category12 · 11/10/2021 20:23

Don't go on "dates" to someone's house.

worriedatthemoment · 11/10/2021 20:25

First and last date then

Original poster
PilatesPeach · 11/10/2021 20:25

In the past I have actually had first dates at a chap's house without any pressure or cajoulling to have sex obvs I that is an unusual experience but yes I have.
Thing is that is he is a wanker then sooner or later I was going to find out so perhaps going out somewhere for the first few dates is simply putting off the inevitable.

OP posts:
AttaGirrrrl · 11/10/2021 20:29

It’s not you, OP. It’s him. My second and third dates with my DP were at our houses (during lockdown, not much much choice!) One of the reasons I liked him so much was he was so respectful of my boundaries.

MotherWol · 11/10/2021 20:30

You showed him a boundary and he tried to negotiate it. Run for the hills.

BertramLacey · 11/10/2021 20:32

Oh no need to apologise OP. I know my OH is a one-off in many respects!

Lovemusic33 · 11/10/2021 20:36

For a start I wouldn’t be going to someone’s house on a first date, probably not a 2nd or 3rd either unless I was just after a hook up (those days are gone). He sounds like a creep.

SickAndTiredAgain · 11/10/2021 20:40

I went round, we had a drink and we kissed on the sofa. He then tries to move things along further. I reiterated my earlier point and I felt he was trying to cajole or wheedle me into more but saying he was fine no having sex but could I give him a bj and he bring me off and to me, I would include that in the no sex category. He thought that there was a distinction. I thought FFS.

I don’t think either of you are wrong in terms of what is classed as sex, both definitions are reasonable. The rest of his behaviour was gross though.

Itsbeen84yearss · 11/10/2021 20:41

Agree about the home dates. Dangerous apart from the fact you end up with sex on the agenda too early

Original poster
PilatesPeach · 11/10/2021 20:42

I think we have established that some people would not have gone to his house but that is not what my post asked and I have commented too that I have experienced being able to go to a guy's house on a 1st date before without this happening and others on here have also commented to that effect.
I get that some people might not have gone and I get that some people might regard me as unwise but my post did not ask WIBU to go to his house.

OP posts:
DamnUserName21 · 11/10/2021 20:44

My friend was in a similar situation--had kisses and cuddles on the sofa but said no to sex...the response was 'ohhh, go on, let me stick it in, just once...' Haha. What an offer?!
How could one refuse?!

Original poster
PilatesPeach · 11/10/2021 20:45

If sex might only mean full intercourse, what would bringing each other off be classified as? heavy petting Grin a blow job is oral sex, oral sex is sex, one form, but sex nonetheless I would have thought.

OP posts:
AveryGoodlay · 11/10/2021 20:45

It's never unreasonable to not want sex.

However I got a lot more than that from your posts.

The word sex means different things to different people. However asking a potential date to come round and chill is almost universal for shag.

For safety reasons I recommend not going to someone house first date regardless of how long you think you've known them for.

Ime, they are never too tired for sex, unless your are in an established relationship and he is cheating, in which case, yes they can say they are too tired Sorry but this is ridiculous. Either sex can be too tired to have sex. I think the belief that all men want sex all the time really damages relationships. And if you have big trust issues which it sounds like you aren't over, I'd work on that rather than dating and bringing said issues into a potential new relationship.

could I give him a bj and he bring me off the phrase "bring you/me off" would make me never want to sleep with someone it sounds disgusting.

DdraigGoch · 11/10/2021 20:45

@PilatesPeach

sorry sp "aw come on baby" (yes fully expect comments as well about those words lol)
What sort of 57 year old talks like that anyway?
Garriet · 11/10/2021 20:46

He sounds gross. It would be the first and last date for me.

(Though tbh “baby” would have also very firmly closed that door even without the rest).

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/10/2021 20:48

He changed the venue from a public place to his own place

^^
Not blaming you, but this would have had me running for the hills before we even got to discussing sex. If he can’t make an effort on the first date when can he? Id have said “no problem, let’s postpone to another day”.

But once you were there he was absolutely out of order to wilfully misinterpret what you’d said.

I believe “next!” is the word you’re looking for.

AveryGoodlay · 11/10/2021 20:49

I get that some people might not have gone and I get that some people might regard me as unwise but my post did not ask WIBU to go to his house I think people are trying to encourage you to make safer choices in the future. It's not about being asked to have sex it's that you don't know the layout, they could lock you in, there could be multiple men there etc etc.

DamnUserName21 · 11/10/2021 20:49

@PilatesPeach

If sex might only mean full intercourse, what would bringing each other off be classified as? heavy petting Grin a blow job is oral sex, oral sex is sex, one form, but sex nonetheless I would have thought.
Bill Clinton would dispute this....Grin I happen to agree.
Original poster
PilatesPeach · 11/10/2021 20:49

I said in my experience I have not found men to tired for sex unless cheating - in my experience and I do not feel I need to work on that at all thanks very much. I was clear with my words and do not accept your comment @AveryGoodlay - if my experience has shown me that, then that it MY experience, a fact, not an opinion.

So often this happens on AIBU, the OP asks a question and receives comment either critical of her or attributing things to her that she did not actually say. When people talk about their experiences or their feelings, of course others might not have experienced the same or feel the same, but it is still valid.

OP posts:
JudgementalCactus · 11/10/2021 20:49

OP, don't go to a total stranger's house alone. It's an incredibly vulnerable and dangerous situation to be in.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/10/2021 20:49

'ohhh, go on, let me stick it in, just once...' Haha. What an offer?!

^^
That’s utterly repugnant!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/10/2021 20:51

There’s both the safety aspect and the “what am I not even worth the bother of stepping outside your door” aspect to not going to his house.