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AIBU?

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Original poster

What does "I don't want to have sex mean"?

122 replies

PilatesPeach · 11/10/2021 19:10

This is about me. I said to chap on 1st date right at the outset that I did not want to have sex - those were my words - he takes that to mean I do not want PIV intercourse but otherwise all else ok eg bjs and him making me come. I feel that is splitting hairs and felt quite uncomfortable and pissed off, especially when accompanied with "aw, common on baby...."
I am not a prude but wanted to have a date to get to know each other properly with no expectations on sex on first date - yes I have done this before but things happen in life and now would prefer to wait till a few dates in.

OP posts:
FlamesEmbersAshes · 11/10/2021 19:41

The red flag was him changing the venue of the date from a public place to his home. If he was that tired he should have rescheduled. I would never go to a man’s house for a first date - ever. It puts you at needless risk.

What a revolting man.

BertramLacey · 11/10/2021 19:42

When it came to it, he was tired and asked me to his to "chill out"

This always means they're going to chance their arm and see if you'll have sex. Fine if you're both up for it and it's consensual but that's what someone means if they do that. See also 'it's too far to travel to X, what if I just come round to yours?'

Lilymossflower · 11/10/2021 19:42

Sorry you had such a bad date experience op

He sounds extremely disrespectful, and I wouldnt dismiss the idea he moved the date to his place so he could try it on. Horrible and sleazy

1forAll74 · 11/10/2021 19:44

Oh dear, the joys of modern dating, and romance, how awful it sounds. Is this from online dating ? Back to the 1960's in my thoughts now, much nicer then.!

OrlandointheWilderness · 11/10/2021 19:44

God what a creep. I wouldn't be happy not meeting in a public place for date one tbh.

Ponoka7 · 11/10/2021 19:47

He wasn't tired, he wanted a shag without any effort. You've had a lucky escape. I can't believe that you agreed to go to the house of a man you don't know. You need to protect yourself.

MadeOfStarStuff · 11/10/2021 19:48

YANBU

The only good thing is you found out he’s a creep after just one date so you can block him and not see him again!

Original poster
PilatesPeach · 11/10/2021 19:49

We had agreed to meet last night and later this week but had not made firm arrangements other than the night in question and I do not intend to continue this, no.
He is in his 50s silly me for thinking that with age, might come maturity and respect. I have known him as an acquaintance for a while so he is not a stranger and indeed am likely to bump into him again but it is spoilt now and can't be fixed.

OP posts:
TractorAndHeadphones · 11/10/2021 19:50

ewwwwww dump dump dump

DdraigGoch · 11/10/2021 19:50

I trust that there will be no second date.

Cheeky sod, pushing his luck. If he's too tired to go out and eat a meal (not a lot of effort involved given that someone else will be cooking), then he ought to also be too tired for sex and would have only been after a cosy night in front of the TV.

filka · 11/10/2021 19:51

could I give him a bj and he bring me off
To me this is sex, and you said no...

Switching from cinema and dinner to chilling at home and kissing on the sofa (despite being tired) smacks of planning for more than you were offering.

Original poster
PilatesPeach · 11/10/2021 19:52

Ime, they are never too tired for sex, unless your are in an established relationship and he is cheating, in which case, yes they can say they are too tired Hmm

OP posts:
Itsbeen84yearss · 11/10/2021 19:52

I wouldn’t even discuss sex with men early on. If they mentioned it on date one I didn’t see them again. If they mentioned it on the next few dates I ignored. If they outright asked I just said ‘I’m enjoying getting to know you but I’m not ready for that yet’. No more explanations or discussion. If they pushed it they were nexted.

Shoxfordian · 11/10/2021 19:54

He was just trying it on; he wasn’t tired
Don’t fall for that one again

StoatMilk · 11/10/2021 19:56

@Cloudfrost

It's not unreasonable to think no sex could mean u are up to other stuff, but he shouldn't assume so and he could have asked u to clarify. However, based on aw come on baby, he seems like an entitled disrespectful twat who doesn't care about your boundaries
Yes it most definitely is unreasonable.
YoBeaches · 11/10/2021 19:58

Use it wasn't really a date was it. Hog he had any intention of a proper relationship he would have rescheduled not just asked you round.

YANBU. Always meet at public place for the first few meets. I appreciate you knew him already, and more to the point, most women are sexually assaulted by someone they know. Not to be over dramatic but it's easy to forget these things and given his lack of boundaries and respect you're post could have been different today.

traumatisednoodle · 11/10/2021 20:00

*He said would would go to the cinema or out for a meal or a drink - fine I said,

When it came to it, he was tired and asked me to his to "chill out"*

This would be a hard no from me.

Original poster
PilatesPeach · 11/10/2021 20:05

Thanks everyone. Lesson learned. I never thought I was naive but every day is a school day as they say.
It was only with the change of venue, I wanted to clarify that I did not want sex that evening and wanted to get to know him first.

OP posts:
CBroads · 11/10/2021 20:05

What an absolute creep. I wouldn't want to have sex with him either, never been so dry in my life. Given my the ick and Ive never met the bloke. He clearly doesn't respect you, your choices or women in general for that matter.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 11/10/2021 20:09

Oh good god he’s in his 50s??

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 11/10/2021 20:11

What actually happened, op? Did you leave at that point?

And yes a venue change from a Date to his house should have been a no. No effort at all. Why would going to his house when he was too tired to sit at the cinema be appealing?

Do not see him again.

Original poster
PilatesPeach · 11/10/2021 20:17

Yes he is 57, a granddad, with 2 daughters - often wonder how men like him would feel it is was his daughter in my position.
He just whatsapped me but not opened it.

OP posts:
Alicesays · 11/10/2021 20:17

You could have said anything in advance of the date, you could have offered him a bj on the hour, every hour - the point is, when you got there you didn't want to do anything more than kiss. The only acceptable response to someone not wanting to do any physical act with you is 'ok', irrespective of anything that was said before.

BertramLacey · 11/10/2021 20:17

@PilatesPeach

Ime, they are never too tired for sex, unless your are in an established relationship and he is cheating, in which case, yes they can say they are too tired Hmm
My OH is occasionally too tired and I'm as sure as you can be of anyone that's he's not cheating on me. He's in his 50s. He knows I'm not going anywhere so if it doesn't happen today, there's always tomorrow. Sometimes he's stressed and tired and there's a fairly nocturnal teenager in the house, which doesn't help matters!
MasterBeth · 11/10/2021 20:18

He sounds fucking repellent.