what to do to mend rift?

[CheltenhamLady]

Two old friends of mine, one let's call her Paula, is always given leeway because she doesn't have much of a life, and she can be notoriously difficult and insensitive. The other (Annie) has a great life, but is very sensitive to the other friends' situation.

Annie posted photos of her daughter's wedding. She looked really lovely, very elegant and MOB.

Paula posted on Facebook 'quite a nice outfit, but don't like the hat'

Annie was very upset and has almost cut her off, saying she is sick of making allowances for her and that she was very rude and unthinking to post something like that on social media.

I have tried to smooth things over but Annie has gone silent on the subject and won't be drawn into a discussion about it. Paula has said she was just being honest and can't really see the issue.

How can I help?

"Paula, is always given leeway because she doesn't have much of a life, and she can be notoriously difficult and insensitive."

To be honest you and Annie, by "always given leeway" have effectively trained Paula to be insensitive (or just plain bloody rude). If there are no consequences to her rudeness, why would she change? I fear you are now seeing the consequences of giving leeway. No good deed goes unpunished.

"I usually organise our Xmas get together and I have a feeling it won't happen this year due to this issue. I am not even sure if I can broach the subject with Annie, but Paula thinks it is a storm in a teacup that will blow over and is expecting the meet up to happen.

I am going to have to tell her that it won't."

Well it really is time to be as brutally honest to Paula as she feels entitled to be with everyone. Take the adage 'treat others as you would be treated' literally; if that's how she treats others then that's obviously how she wants to be treated.

You need to make it crystal clear to her that she has totally shat on the Xmas get-together with her crass and uncalled for comments and how the fuck does she plan to fix that. And yes I would use those words, and probably worse. When I say blunt, I mean blunt! If you don't normally express yourself in these terms, so much the better - it will serve to emphasise to Paula that This. Will. Not. Blow. Over. Not without her getting off her 'I was only ...' high horse and making a heartfelt and genuine apology to Annie for shitting on something that was very special to Annie.

I wouldn’t do anything , I’d probably just leave it.

I know you want to heal the rift out of kindness to Paula op

Well kindness or the OP now realises that they will be the only target in Paula's line of sight and was hoping to convince Annie to remain friends to deflect some of that "just being honest" stuff.

Look Paula is who she is, she wanted to take a bit of the shine off Annie's happiness, she succeeded and can now deal with the consequences. Respect Annie's decision and if you wish remain friends with both parties, individually.

Explain to Paula that if she wants to continue being a bitch, she’ll lose the last of the friends that she has left.

It’s pretty clear that Paula has shat on what must be a really lovely day for Annie as mob. That’s a really nasty, bitchy thing to do. Regardless of Paula’s issues, telling people they don’t like their hat is just crass, unkind and not the done thing. She has no-one to blame but herself. You do not need to smooth things over and it sounds like Annie won”t go for it anyway. Can’t say I blame her. It isn’t up to you to resolve, OP.

Although Paula was in the wrong and rude, Annie asked for opinions so in fairness she should have known she could get a negative.

Stay out of it and let them sort it or not, too much else in life to stress over.

Also, I bet that if the shoe was on the other foot and someone told Paula they didn't like her hat/outfit she'd go off on one majorly!

Oh yes this is my mother. Very cutting and rude about other people, especially their appearance. But devastated if anyone does it to her. For some reason everyone bites their tongue and she usually gets away with it. One day she was (as usual) moaning about my hair. (I still have very long hair, well groomed but she disapproves of any woman over 30 who doesn't have a short sensible haircut.)

"Oh your hair is awful, I really don't like it, such a mess, you look so haggard." I snapped back "well let's call it quits then because I don't like yours either - it looks like a birds nest". Apparently I was very rude, hurtful and disrespectful.

Who cares if someone else likes your hat or not. This is why I don’t use social media, it’s full of toxic positivity to the point that anything remotely negative is seen as really nasty. Then people flock to defend the “attacked” person and are unnecessarily 10 times nastier back, while still believing they are all sweetness and nice.

The whole routine just people looking a chance to be involved in drama and be mean while pretending they are a loyal friend. Because the original poster gets piled on, no one but them faces any consequences and all the “loyal friends” are free to pile on and bully the next person who offends in the smallest way.

Fwiw, I don’t think Paula should have posted her opinion if it wasn’t asked for but getting upset because someone has a different opinion to you about a hat and you getting involved is playground stuff.

Paula is going to have to suck things up. If she doesn't get to go out with you all at Christmas that's down to her and her treatment of others. Stop feeling sorry for her when this is all of her own making, stop making allowances for her. Why the hell should you?

And butt out of trying to be the peacemaker. Annie doesn't want to talk to Paula (for which I don't blame her) and you have no right to try to make her.

You asked what others would do. Answer - leave Paula to stew in her own juice.

Although Paula was in the wrong and rude, Annie asked for opinions so in fairness she should have known she could get a negative.

Did she though? It sounds like she posted photos from the day, and Paula threw in her tuppenceworth unsolicited.

All this over "I don't like the hat".

Old enough to have a child who is getting married and willing to sacrifice a long friendship over a hat. Paula should have kept her opinions to herself for politeness sake, but still, a hat!

I see childish people.

Oh, and if Paula asks why she isnt invited on the festive outing?

Well, you're just rude Paula and nobody wants to spend time with you because of that, just being honest.

@HebalGerbil

All this over "I don't like the hat".

Old enough to have a child who is getting married and willing to sacrifice a long friendship over a hat. Paula should have kept her opinions to herself for politeness sake, but still, a hat!

I see childish people.

Doesn't really sound like a friendship so much as a hostage situation. She's had enough of the digs, she didn't ask for opinions on the hat!

I think probably the hat comment was the straw that broke the camel's back. She's probably had enough of Paula's shitty comments

@HebalGerbil

All this over "I don't like the hat".

Old enough to have a child who is getting married and willing to sacrifice a long friendship over a hat. Paula should have kept her opinions to herself for politeness sake, but still, a hat!

I see childish people.

It's probably not all over the hat comment.

It's probably that the hat comment was the proverbial straw.

I once seemingly ended a relationship over them putting something away in the wrong place - it wasn't actually over that one single thing. it was the accumulation and from the description of Paula from the OP it's unlikely this is the first unnessesary comment she's made.

When Paula mentions the Christmas thing I would respond "oh have you apologised wholeheartedly for your unpleasant comment and sorted it out with Annie?"

Tumbleweed will follow but she may eventually realise that she needs to do something to build bridges.

@PartyStory

Who cares if someone else likes your hat or not. This is why I don’t use social media, it’s full of toxic positivity to the point that anything remotely negative is seen as really nasty. Then people flock to defend the “attacked” person and are unnecessarily 10 times nastier back, while still believing they are all sweetness and nice.

The whole routine just people looking a chance to be involved in drama and be mean while pretending they are a loyal friend. Because the original poster gets piled on, no one but them faces any consequences and all the “loyal friends” are free to pile on and bully the next person who offends in the smallest way.

Fwiw, I don’t think Paula should have posted her opinion if it wasn’t asked for but getting upset because someone has a different opinion to you about a hat and you getting involved is playground stuff.

I think you're describing MN.

Paula needs to cop on. Perhaps this will be the activity that makes it.

@chocolateorangeinhaler

You can't.

Annie needs to realize posting a picture of herself on social media to solicit opinions will never end well. As so many people don't like the same thing.

Paula is being honest. Likes the outfit but hates the hat. Not like she said Annie looks like a pig chewing a cinder.

Why assume she posted to solicit opinions? As OP said, Annie didn't post the picture with a comment of 'what do you think of my hat?' so why comment? In exactly the same way as if Paula had seen Annie walking down the street it would be random and rude for her to comment on Annie's outfit for no reason. OP has explained it was a group shot of a special event. If Paula didn't like Annie's hat she could have a) stopped at 'nice outfit' b) not commented on her outfit at all but just said 'Congratulations!' Or 'Lovely photo,' 'Looks like a wonderful day,' or whatever. c) Not commented at all!

OP think you've done exactly the right thing and I just wouldn't bring up the christmas meet up at all. Leave it in Paula's court. It might actually do her more good in the long term if people don't smooth over her rude behaviour so she realises actions/words have effects.

You can't mend the rift OP because it's not your rift. It's between Annie and Paula. If Paula doesn't see any need to apologise to Annie or Annie doesn't feel inclined to accept any apology from her, it's entirely up to them.

Personally, I would focus on my friendship with Annie, and leave Paula to wonder why she doesn't get contacted any more.

What sprang out to me from your op is that Paula 'doesn't have much of a life' and Annie 'has a great life'. That's where the problem lies. I've found as I've got older that the inequalities between friends sometimes get even more pronounced as we age, and that's difficult for someone who has the lesser amount of 'life'. My advice to Annie would be to be generous. I'm sure she had plenty of other people lining up to give her compliments about that hat so it really doesn't matter.

@thisplaceisapigsty

What sprang out to me from your op is that Paula 'doesn't have much of a life' and Annie 'has a great life'. That's where the problem lies. I've found as I've got older that the inequalities between friends sometimes get even more pronounced as we age, and that's difficult for someone who has the lesser amount of 'life'. My advice to Annie would be to be generous. I'm sure she had plenty of other people lining up to give her compliments about that hat so it really doesn't matter.

She didn’t ask for compliments. She shared a happy family moment.

By saying you think Annie should be generous you actually mean she should put up with unpleasantness from someone who’s supposed to be her friend. Thankfully for her, her boundaries are better than that.

There’s a reason some people have better networks than others. Being nice is a big part of that. Being a dick is too.

If Paula has few friends the onus is on her to behave appropriately to the remaining ones who’ve put up with her despite her being a pain in the arse, not to expect a free pass as she’s pissed everyone else off already.

No wonder Paula has so few friends.

Paula sounds like a rude so and so who just likes to be nasty. Stop tolerating her crap 🙄
My mum has a ‘friend’ like this, she’s honestly awful, makes such snide, rude comments all in the name of being ‘honest’ when it’s blatantly obvious she’s just being a bitch.

You can't.
Stop enabling Paula to treat people badly.