Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

what to do to mend rift?

107 replies

CheltenhamLady · 11/10/2021 17:39

Two old friends of mine, one let's call her Paula, is always given leeway because she doesn't have much of a life, and she can be notoriously difficult and insensitive. The other (Annie) has a great life, but is very sensitive to the other friends' situation.

Annie posted photos of her daughter's wedding. She looked really lovely, very elegant and MOB.

Paula posted on Facebook 'quite a nice outfit, but don't like the hat'

Annie was very upset and has almost cut her off, saying she is sick of making allowances for her and that she was very rude and unthinking to post something like that on social media.

I have tried to smooth things over but Annie has gone silent on the subject and won't be drawn into a discussion about it. Paula has said she was just being honest and can't really see the issue.

How can I help?

OP posts:

Sunshinegirl82 · 11/10/2021 18:06

Do you and Annie actually enjoy spending time with Paula (before this latest incident)? Or do you feel some sense of duty to her because she doesn't have many friends?

Original poster

CheltenhamLady · 11/10/2021 18:09

It is just the age-old thing, she is just 'giving her opinion and being honest'.

It is the reason she has few friends. We have always tried to overlook that side of her nature, as she is actually quite a kind person underneath, and she can be very thoughtful.

I haven't backed her up on this or defended her in any way. It is indefensible really.

I usually organise our Xmas get together and I have a feeling it won't happen this year due to this issue. I am not even sure if I can broach the subject with Annie, but Paula thinks it is a storm in a teacup that will blow over and is expecting the meet up to happen.

I am going to have to tell her that it won't.

OP posts:

TableDesk · 11/10/2021 18:11

Paula is a salty bitch. Do not engage!

(waiting for this to be a reverse )

TooWicked · 11/10/2021 18:12

Looks like Paula is all yours now, you get to have to put up with her all by yourself - good luck with that .

traintraveller · 11/10/2021 18:14

You can make all the allowances you want for Paula but clearly Annie has had enough.
Maybe when you're on the receiving end of her bitchy comments you'll make the same decision

Rogue1001 · 11/10/2021 18:16

@CheltenhamLady

It is just the age-old thing, she is just 'giving her opinion and being honest'.

It is the reason she has few friends. We have always tried to overlook that side of her nature, as she is actually quite a kind person underneath, and she can be very thoughtful.

I haven't backed her up on this or defended her in any way. It is indefensible really.

I am going to have to tell her that it won't.

Two things.

A. You don’t (have to be the one to tell her). You just get on with organising it like normal. How would you normally do It? Are yo on a WhatsApp group? Just carry on as you normally would.

B. How do you feel about socialising with each individually if they don’t want to meet as a threesome for a while/ever?

Atalune · 11/10/2021 18:19

Paula needs to

Apologise to Annie
Understand that giving “honest” opinions when they have NOT BEEN SOUGHT is a fast road to loneliness
Modify her behaviour going forward.

You could tell her this. And then leave it.

SophieKaczynsky · 11/10/2021 18:25

Paula sounds toxic! Who the hell makes nasty comments on how someone dresses at their daughters wedding?! She's not much of a friend and I can see why Annie has ditched her.

SophieKaczynsky · 11/10/2021 18:26

Also, I bet that if the shoe was on the other foot and someone told Paula they didn't like her hat/outfit she'd go off on one majorly! People who pride themselves on 'saying it like it is' can never take the same thing back from others!

Original poster

CheltenhamLady · 11/10/2021 18:27

@Atalune

Paula needs to

Apologise to Annie
Understand that giving “honest” opinions when they have NOT BEEN SOUGHT is a fast road to loneliness
Modify her behaviour going forward.

You could tell her this. And then leave it.

I have told her exactly this.

I have now left it, but I know there is the expectation (from Paula, as she has little else going on in her life) of the Xmas get together looming.

I am just going to do nothing and see if either of them suggests it, or asks what we are doing.

I feel annoyed with Paula too, as she has form for this with other friends and I have been piggy in the middle there too. I don't feel overly inclined to meet with her on my own if I am honest.

OP posts:

PaperhouseLegs · 11/10/2021 18:29

@SophieKaczynsky

Absolutely! I've got a Facebook friend with the tagline on her page of "if you want it sugar coated then go to the sweet shop"

. Ironically, if anyone ever has the nerve to question her actions or have their own opinion she has an absolute meltdown.

user1000000000009 · 11/10/2021 18:29

Paula has few friends because of the way she behaves.

Do not make allowances because she is a nasty bitch.

JustLyra · 11/10/2021 18:30

If you don't organise your usual Christmas plans with Annie then you'll likely lose that friendship.

If you're wanting to remain friends with both then you'll have to sort separate Christmas days out.

chocolateorangeinhaler · 11/10/2021 18:32

You can't.

Annie needs to realize posting a picture of herself on social media to solicit opinions will never end well. As so many people don't like the same thing.

Paula is being honest. Likes the outfit but hates the hat. Not like she said Annie looks like a pig chewing a cinder.

AuntieMarys · 11/10/2021 18:34

Some people deserve to be alone at Xmas. Paula is one if them

BrendaBubbles · 11/10/2021 18:35

"don't like the hat" has turned into an "extremely nasty" comment on here. Get a grip, it's barely on the Richter scale of nasty comments. She isn't a fan of the hat. Who cares? She didn't even say she hated it, just that she didn't like it.

Porcupineintherough · 11/10/2021 18:36

Id keep out of it. They cant be that good friends if Paula saying she doesnt like a hat is such a big deal.

Original poster

CheltenhamLady · 11/10/2021 18:36

@chocolateorangeinhaler

You can't.

Annie needs to realize posting a picture of herself on social media to solicit opinions will never end well. As so many people don't like the same thing.

Paula is being honest. Likes the outfit but hates the hat. Not like she said Annie looks like a pig chewing a cinder.

To be fair, Annie posted a group picture of the wedding, not an individual one asking for opinions.

Everyone else made the usual nice comments. I am quite sure there were people who didn't like the hat, such is life, but they didn't make any comment. Presumably, they have better manners and are kinder?

OP posts:

Triffid1 · 11/10/2021 18:37

So your friendship is based on Paula behaving badly and you and Annie putting up with it because you are kind people? if I was Annie, I'd be upset if you were trying to force the issue.

People like this are really not okay and quite frankly, if they can't see that they've hurt someone, then really, they aren't people you want in your life.

After my wedding, a long-standing family friend told me that he didn't enjoy the service at all as it was too long and he didn't like the way it was done. I have never quite felt the same about him because it was rude and thoughtless and he thought that because he was "just being honest" it was okay. It wasn't. He had every right to not enjoy the service. But go bitch to your wife or your adult children who were also at the ceremony, don't lay it on me.

Porcupineintherough · 11/10/2021 18:37

@AuntieMarys are you only friends with people who like all your clothes?

DowntonCrabby · 11/10/2021 18:38

You can’t, Paula’s a dick and needs to realise she’ll have no friends with an attitude like that. She also needs to create a life for herself if she doesn’t few she’s living a great one, whatever shiftiness is going on in your own life you still don’t shit on your friends.

DowntonCrabby · 11/10/2021 18:38

*feel
*shittiness

Bluetrews25 · 11/10/2021 18:39

Organise a thing with Annie for Christmas. Leave Paula out of it. Paula has just lost 2 more friends. Hasn't she?
Tell her actions have consequences.

SpaceOp · 11/10/2021 18:39

@chocolateorangeinhaler

You can't.

Annie needs to realize posting a picture of herself on social media to solicit opinions will never end well. As so many people don't like the same thing.

Paula is being honest. Likes the outfit but hates the hat. Not like she said Annie looks like a pig chewing a cinder.

Unless the OP left out the crucial detail that she posted on Facebook saying, "what do you think of my outfit" then this is ridiculous. You don't comment on someone's appearance in anything but the most positive of terms unless you have specifically been asked to do so, and even then, if you have something negative to say, you think carefully before you say it and consider your language.

OP - I think Paula might b e reaping what she sows. Being honest isn't an excuse for being mean.

ChimpMcGarvey · 11/10/2021 18:41

I have tried to smooth things over

she has form for this with other friends and I have been piggy in the middle there too

Stop it now.

Paula’s had a good run with you enabling her, brushing off her “just being honest” attitude, smoothing things over for her, making excuses for her.

Stop now, before you end up with no friends yourself.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread