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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is DH abusive or just a dick?

110 replies

westeringhome · 11/10/2021 13:44

We’ve been together lots of years now. I usually only post here when I have issue with him, to gain perspective, and to be fair it’s a long time since I’ve posted. When the kids were tiny I looked after them 24/7 while he worked and had important things to do every weekend. I always thought he liked the fact I had no life outside of home, although I always made it clear I had not intention of remaining a SAHM. At the time I remember feeling totally on my own and thinking he will get a big shock once the kids are up a bit and I start doing things for me once again. 2yo ago all the kids were all at nursery and school so I started Uni. He can’t understand why I need a job as he gets paid enough to cover outgoings. He started getting jealous, I was patient. He calls my career aspirations my “precious little job”, questions my priorities, accuses me of cheating, shouts at me then stonewalls me all the time, asks why I’m going on about it if I try to ask him why he loses his temper at me, moans about not getting enough sex (I feel so put off him by how he treats me), thinks I’m masturbating if I’m in the shower too long, gets jealous of tv programmes like love island, has a go if I haven’t texted him enough in the day, can’t text my sister without him wondering who I’m texting, drink drives, always storming out pissed and tries to hide his drinking but I can smell and see the effect clearly. I know he has had low self esteem for a long time and I have been reassuring but now I just think he is controlling and manipulative as nothing I say to reassure him makes any difference (well, he will apologise then just repeat behaviour), claims he is scared of losing me and has made veiled suggestions of suicide should that ever happen. Has anyone dealt with this and does it ever go away. He shat all over my suggestion of counselling as I know he has unresolved grief too, saying he was his own man. I have I’m not entirely sure whether I can tolerate any more micro managing or belittling. My sister knows what he says and does so I do have support, but I am changing my perfectly normal behaviour to accommodate his reactions, and trying to rationalise his treatment of me and I don’t think that’s healthy at all.

OP posts:

HoneyRose87 · 11/10/2021 17:13

He is not someone I would want to spend much longer with. He is both abusive and controlling. I have had a controlling relationship when I was much younger, he even went as far as criticising my clothes on a night out, saying that it looks like I’m an easy lay and I was asking for it, this was a normal dress (nothing short) with tights, it was his way of controlling me, this sounds a lot like a relationship I had and it got toxic to the point I ended the relationship and felt much better but it affected my self-esteem. He would accuse me of cheating on him with male work colleagues too.

Tryagainplease · 11/10/2021 17:14

He is abusive

AngelinaFibres · 11/10/2021 17:19

@NothingSafe

He's emotionally abusive, and apparently wishes he could be financially abusive too - hence his anger about your job. If you're depending on him financially, you can't go out and cheat on him with your new coworkers, in his paranoid mind.

He's awful. You know that, it's why you're posting here. If someone else told you their husband:

belittled their aspirations and attempts to improve their career
preferred them to be financially dependent
alternately was verbally abusive or stonewalled them when they disagreed to try and 'train' them not to do so
was paranoid about cheating, showing a complete lack of trust
wouldn't let her go a daytime without checking in with him
controlled who she spoke to, the TV she watched, etc
refused to acknowledge a problem or address it whatsoever
AND was a drink driver with a possible drink problem???

...what would you tell her to do? Would you think she was happy? Deserved better?

It's not about whether you can fix his self-esteem with soothing words or actions - if that's what's driving this, it still doesn't make his actions okay. You could stay at home, text him every 15 minutes with a photo of your location holding today's newspaper, and only watching approved TV shows, and it wouldn't be enough because it's coming from him, not your actions - as you rightly point out, your behaviour is perfectly normal. So it's him that's having the abnormal response, and he doesn't want to change because you've asked him to try counselling.

This level of control is concerning, and can escalate. What happens when you get a job and there's the Christmas do with your colleagues, some of whom are male? When you have to go away for work? When you have to stay late, or can't answer his calls? What kind of paranoia-fuelled escalation might he be capable of? Don't hang around to find out.

Get away (safely).

This absolutely says it all. My father in law treated his wife like this all their married life. He had no concept of treating someone as a respected equal, so they actually freely wanted to live their life in the same space as him .He thought that forbidding her getting a paid job , preventing her choosing and paying for her own clothes, driving etc etc was showing how much he loved her. When her youngest son was old enough to fly the nest she planned to leave but a massive stroke at 54 meant she was trapped with him for the rest of her life. The comment about the tv made me think of this story my husband tells. He and his mother were at her mother's one day after school. He was about 8 and they were at his granny's to watch her TV. It was the early 70s so not everyone had a TV. My father in law was furious thst they were watching the telly and so his tea was not on the table at exactly the moment he got in from work. A television was not allowed in my husband's house for his entire childhood to prevent such a thing ever happening again.