Is DH abusive or just a dick?

[westeringhome]

We’ve been together lots of years now. I usually only post here when I have issue with him, to gain perspective, and to be fair it’s a long time since I’ve posted. When the kids were tiny I looked after them 24/7 while he worked and had important things to do every weekend. I always thought he liked the fact I had no life outside of home, although I always made it clear I had not intention of remaining a SAHM. At the time I remember feeling totally on my own and thinking he will get a big shock once the kids are up a bit and I start doing things for me once again. 2yo ago all the kids were all at nursery and school so I started Uni. He can’t understand why I need a job as he gets paid enough to cover outgoings. He started getting jealous, I was patient. He calls my career aspirations my “precious little job”, questions my priorities, accuses me of cheating, shouts at me then stonewalls me all the time, asks why I’m going on about it if I try to ask him why he loses his temper at me, moans about not getting enough sex (I feel so put off him by how he treats me), thinks I’m masturbating if I’m in the shower too long, gets jealous of tv programmes like love island, has a go if I haven’t texted him enough in the day, can’t text my sister without him wondering who I’m texting, drink drives, always storming out pissed and tries to hide his drinking but I can smell and see the effect clearly. I know he has had low self esteem for a long time and I have been reassuring but now I just think he is controlling and manipulative as nothing I say to reassure him makes any difference (well, he will apologise then just repeat behaviour), claims he is scared of losing me and has made veiled suggestions of suicide should that ever happen. Has anyone dealt with this and does it ever go away. He shat all over my suggestion of counselling as I know he has unresolved grief too, saying he was his own man. I have I’m not entirely sure whether I can tolerate any more micro managing or belittling. My sister knows what he says and does so I do have support, but I am changing my perfectly normal behaviour to accommodate his reactions, and trying to rationalise his treatment of me and I don’t think that’s healthy at all.

Another who says, get advice and support to leave.

I don't think you've lost your 50 grand, you may only have been married a short time, but you lived together beforehand, and you have children. You'll be entitled to at least something.

Please get some advice and start building a new life for you and your children before they grow up thinking this is a good way to live.

Good luck

Oh man, I suspect that until you wrote all this down and started reading the responses, you really didn't have a clear idea of how bad your situation truly is.

It's a horrible realisation, I'm sure. But you are not powerless and you are not to blame: if the house had a gas leak, would you stay? If the stairs were rotten and liable to collapse at any time, would you stay? He is just as dangerous as that. If he behaves so badly that you fear for your own and your children's safety, then removing yourself and your children from that environment is the only sensible thing to do. "breaking up the family" is HIS doing, not yours. You're not the one posing a threat. He is.

Two very good organisations I've been recommending all weekend: National Domestic Abuse Helpline - really good on coercive control, psychological abuse etc - a conversation can help you clear your head and get a plan together, followed by Rights of Women - you might be able to get an occupation order. Book a half hour/hour appointment with a local solicitor - some do it free but I paid about £75 for the first hour which explained everything about who was entitled to what etc.

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk
rightsofwomen.org.uk

Do you have no family or friend support at all in RL?

It doesn’t matter who’s name it’s in, it’s marital property.
In any case for your sake and your DCs you should leave him.
And yes many similarities to the alcoholic in my life. How many units a week is he at?

He sounds horrible and abusive. Just like my ex. It does not get better. Cut your losses OP or this is your life forever x

@comfortablyfrumpy

Another who says, get advice and support to leave.

I don't think you've lost your 50 grand, you may only have been married a short time, but you lived together beforehand, and you have children. You'll be entitled to at least something.

Please get some advice and start building a new life for you and your children before they grow up thinking this is a good way to live.

Good luck

Not only have you not "lost" your £50k - you are entitled to at least 50% of the marital assets, including DH's pension, any savings, cars etc.

You may even be awarded more than 50%, if you are the primary parent, which I am sure you will be.

Nothing to add except to take all the advice and look at the links that others have provided. In uni if it's safer to do it that way.

For the sake of the children you should leave and not let them learn patterns of abuse from their father.

Also congratulations for studying which is a huge step in being financially free for when you can/do leave.

Sending support and love x

If you are a student nurse or similar you can get student finance and a learning grant/bursary of 5000 in addition.You can also talk to your course director about night shifts, you only have to do so many over three years now and may already have met the criteria, regardless, thry can look at placement options that suit your situation so don't let that put you off.

Both I would say. Apart from the abuse of you, the drink driving is inexcusable. Are you a student nurse, check with your uni about placements where you wouldn't have to do as many nightshift, I'm sure they will have some sort of support.

I don’t think my institution would be very accommodating regarding alternative placements, they stress that we have to cover all areas and work the shift pattern of the placement area. My entire bursary gets hoovered up on childcare. It’s so so expensive, I don’t know how I’d keep a house on top of that on my own. I do need to seek advice from the organisations you have kindly suggested. If I keep finding obstacles I fear I will end up minimising his abuse (yes I am confident to call it that now). I still feel like I am reading about somebody else and not me.

If I keep finding obstacles I fear I will end up minimising his abuse

People stay in this loop for years and years and years, telling themselves that the abuse isn't that bad, and that leaving would be so much worse. I know this because my mum stayed with my dad. I had to have counselling in my 40s after a string of short, soul destroying relationships, all failing because I'd been set a bad example by my parents. I only realised I needed counselling because of a relationship in which I was victim to some abuse myself.

Don't do this to your children. Don't keep them there any longer than you can help. It's abuse. You need to get out. You don't need to question it or place in a heirarchy of what would be better and what would be worse. Abuse is worse than having to move into different accommodation. Abuse is worse than having money worries. There is lots of support and advice out there. Seek it, make your choices, and get out.

he is vile

OP, you need to get legal advice. Hopefully you have a record of your 50K going into the property. Now that you are actually married, you stand a better chance of getting it back.

Short marriages don't always result in 50/50 if one party has more assets, but if you have been together for years then that is a different story and can be looked upon differently.

He is controlling and abusive and I think you can see that clearly now. He does not have a right to control your movements or demand that you text him. He has tried to stop you having a life outside of him and the family.

Next time he storms out drunk, report him. If the police have nothing else to do they can try and find him, or lay in wait for when he comes home again.

1. do you have evidence of the money you put into the house as a minimum
2. as a single parent student you will get help with childcare costs, and an enhanced rate of student loan
3. You will be entitled to extra benefits
4. You will be entitled to maintanance from you STBXH
5. You will be demonstrating strong boundaries and zero tolerance of abuse to your children - if not you are almost certainly condeming them to repeat this cycle in their own lives, even if they know it is wrong. Many children brought up in this kind of home blame their mother for keeping them in such a toxic environment. Its causing them trauma and they definately are aware of whats happening, even if you think they do not / are too young. They may play happy with daddy, but that is more likely as they want to ensure they keep HIM happy. As they grow older it will be them he turns on too.
6. You can do it

You need to leave him. Life should be much better than this.

I've been there. Not with children but I've been in a similar situation with a controlling man who didn't want me to better myself and live my own life. I'm much happier now.

Please note that he would have to pay maintenance for the children.

You would receive assets from the marriage - a solicitor will be able to give you an idea.

You will manage. But you need to start, and you need help.

Please speak to one of the advice lines mentioned, and make an appointment to see a solicitor.

@westeringhome

I don’t think my institution would be very accommodating regarding alternative placements, they stress that we have to cover all areas and work the shift pattern of the placement area. My entire bursary gets hoovered up on childcare. It’s so so expensive, I don’t know how I’d keep a house on top of that on my own. I do need to seek advice from the organisations you have kindly suggested. If I keep finding obstacles I fear I will end up minimising his abuse (yes I am confident to call it that now). I still feel like I am reading about somebody else and not me.

If you are on a healthcare course don't you get 85% of childcare costs paid?

@minimecantrollerskate

OP, you need to get legal advice. Hopefully you have a record of your 50K going into the property. Now that you are actually married, you stand a better chance of getting it back.

Short marriages don't always result in 50/50 if one party has more assets, but if you have been together for years then that is a different story and can be looked upon differently.

He is controlling and abusive and I think you can see that clearly now. He does not have a right to control your movements or demand that you text him. He has tried to stop you having a life outside of him and the family.

Next time he storms out drunk, report him. If the police have nothing else to do they can try and find him, or lay in wait for when he comes home again.

yes, in regards the 50-50 and the length of time you have been together being taken into account, especially if you were engaged for a long time. In addition, divorce is about the only time where staying at home to look after children, allowing his career to progress, and taking a hit on your own earnings/financial security is viewed as valuable. Especially now you have demonstrated that you are keen to do something now the smallest is in nursery.

he is SO abusive. Seriously. In every respect

My entire bursary gets hoovered up on childcare.

OMG.
Why isn't your dickwad DH paying for childcare for his own kids?

This is serious financial abuse, & another one to note with your lawyer, when you find them.

You cohabited before marriage, you have children, guess what you are entitled to a share of the assets and child maintenance.

Leave via a refuge if you need be.

If you can stick it out until the end of the uni year or look into deferring now? Is it semesterised so you could defer January time?

That sounds clearly abusive to me.

Also sounds like he's an alcoholic and especially where there's kids in the house i always advise leaving when that is the case anyway

He sounds a lot like my dad except with no mention of physical or sexual abuse but you may simply have not mentioned that (your choice but bear it in mind)

I think that's a pretty clear cut case of ltb being necessary

Being financially dependent is exactly WHY you need to get ducks in a row.

You need to collate proof of all official things, finances etc so you can get the best outcome for you and dc.

I would also say if it's likely you'll be needing the support of benefits it's good to get all the proof you might need ahead of time and also any forms you need to submit already with you and you can start completing them (it can be time consuming) I would also recommend you speak to your local welfare rights office as they are really good not only on advising and helping claim benefits but on leaving an abusive relationship and the help that may be available to you because of that.

Has the abuse ramped up since you got married? Not uncommon

If you think the kids are unaware I'm sorry but you're wrong. Kids aren't stupid even quite young ones

If you are married, half of everything is yours

Not true! It doesn't work like that especially with such a short marriage. I don't think op can even start divorce proceedings until they've been married a year?

I wouldn't depend on cm being paid either. If he does great but cms are pretty useless actually

@saleorbouy TERRIBLE advice not only will it make not one iota of difference it could even endanger op PLEASE do not give such advice EVER

Speak to women's aid to get advice on leaving op, you're right it needs planning to do so safely

Speak to uni too, explain the situation and get support for more suitable placements as a single mother it can be done

The kids will understand especially as they get older I agree don't use them as an excuse to stay. My mum plays that crap and it's bull! We BEGGED her to leave! Her staying was ultimately her choice

Dissociation (thinking of it as happening to someone else) is normal

You are honestly doing your kids NO favours by staying - take it from me and pps who've been the children in such situations.

We saw and heard it all, we felt the tension

I'm 49 and have severe mh issues as a result

Get organised and get out safely as soon as you can

I still feel like I am reading about somebody else and not me.

I remember that feeling OP - please rest assured, it is common under the circumstances. It takes a while for the awful realisation (oh fuck - I am a victim ...) to settle, & the feeling of unreality/dissociation is connected to that dawning realisation.

You will gain strength every time you speak to trusted friends or eg Womens Aid. You will start to learn what support is available to you, & that will enable your sense of encroaching freedom. I think you are sensible to view this as a slow & gradual process of detachment.

I also think it's your DH who has engineered your belief that he is the sole owner of the marital assets. You may be amazed at how much support is out there for you, & how much better your situation can become than you imagine. Keep plugging on OP - your & DC's lives will be so much happier when you are free of this man.

He has major issues. Please leave

My DM has dealt with this her entire life, and now she is caring for "D"Dad with dementia who essentially gave her the silent treatment or called her names if she didn't tell him exactly where she was or what she was doing every moment of every day. And if she didn't do what he wanted? Weeks of silent treatment, gaslighting and withholding affection. It is only now as an adult I realise how much this hurt me to watch. Please help yourself and also your children.

@ChargingBuck

My entire bursary gets hoovered up on childcare.

OMG.
Why isn't your dickwad DH paying for childcare for his own kids?

This is serious financial abuse, & another one to note with your lawyer, when you find them.

this screamed out to me too...

He's forcing you into financial destitution... and keeping you reliant on Him... he's a gradeA abusing BASTARD.

Seek Legal advice quietly and keep yourself safe..