Is DH abusive or just a dick?

[westeringhome]

We’ve been together lots of years now. I usually only post here when I have issue with him, to gain perspective, and to be fair it’s a long time since I’ve posted. When the kids were tiny I looked after them 24/7 while he worked and had important things to do every weekend. I always thought he liked the fact I had no life outside of home, although I always made it clear I had not intention of remaining a SAHM. At the time I remember feeling totally on my own and thinking he will get a big shock once the kids are up a bit and I start doing things for me once again. 2yo ago all the kids were all at nursery and school so I started Uni. He can’t understand why I need a job as he gets paid enough to cover outgoings. He started getting jealous, I was patient. He calls my career aspirations my “precious little job”, questions my priorities, accuses me of cheating, shouts at me then stonewalls me all the time, asks why I’m going on about it if I try to ask him why he loses his temper at me, moans about not getting enough sex (I feel so put off him by how he treats me), thinks I’m masturbating if I’m in the shower too long, gets jealous of tv programmes like love island, has a go if I haven’t texted him enough in the day, can’t text my sister without him wondering who I’m texting, drink drives, always storming out pissed and tries to hide his drinking but I can smell and see the effect clearly. I know he has had low self esteem for a long time and I have been reassuring but now I just think he is controlling and manipulative as nothing I say to reassure him makes any difference (well, he will apologise then just repeat behaviour), claims he is scared of losing me and has made veiled suggestions of suicide should that ever happen. Has anyone dealt with this and does it ever go away. He shat all over my suggestion of counselling as I know he has unresolved grief too, saying he was his own man. I have I’m not entirely sure whether I can tolerate any more micro managing or belittling. My sister knows what he says and does so I do have support, but I am changing my perfectly normal behaviour to accommodate his reactions, and trying to rationalise his treatment of me and I don’t think that’s healthy at all.

He's both, a total dick and an emotionally abusive, controlling twat with the clear potential for it to turn physical.

Call women's aid for help ending it.

Please leave him. He is incredibly abusive.

He's a complete and utter dick and abusive and I can't believe you've stayed in the marriage this long. LTB or make plans to do so.

He’s abusive. And a dick. But mainly abusive. This will get worse over time, there’s no fixing it or him.

I will feel guilt ridden for breaking up the family and my kids are so small they will not thank me for it as they will not understand.

You are not breaking up the family - he has broken it, just like he is trying to break you.

You don't need your small children to thank you for leaving - you just need to hold onto the fact that you would feel far, far, guiltier for staying until they are old enough to be badly affected by their dad's abuse.

Have you been here yet? - some useful links -
www.berkshirewomensaid.org.uk/need-help-now-domestic-abuse/cant-leave-abusive-relationship/

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/women-leave/

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/

He wants you to think you can’t do anything without him but there will be a way to continue your plans if you leave him. You will need to tell your study institution and your work that you are a single parent and hopefully get some leeway in regards to placement but also you can join any single parent groups you can find and network and do a childcare swap or find affordable babysitters in the area. It sounds like it’s not worth staying with him if it’s making you miserable. You sound very strong and driven and I’m sure you will be ok.

-l4ase leave your future will be hell and it will never change. Hugs

@westeringhome many women who are single parent also manage the shifts.
You need to do some digging out around that, ask how people make it work etc....
But you certainly CAN make it work!

I hope you've got watertight contraception as I wouldn't be surprised if;if he could;your DH would get you pregnant to derail your university course/job and force you back to being a SAHM.

I am upstairs drying my cold sweat with the hairdryer at the thought of leaving. He would never leave. It’s “his” house. I feel he would get dangerous if I went, and I think that leaving will have to be a long secret process

@westeringhome this is bad. Serioulsy, if you lareday know, before you've even tried, that he can become dangerous if you try to leave, then he is properly dangerous.

As a PP said, contact WA. Ask them for some advice. Don't tell him what you are planning to do. Talk to your dsis nd anyone who you think is trustworthy enough. You need support in RL.

But it is right that staying is going to be worse.

I agree it's both - he is an abusive dick.

You need to find a way to complete Freedom Programme for victims of domestic abuse (without him knowing), and also speak to a good solicitor to give your head a wobble about the statement that 'everything is his' - as it would only be true in his head - it's not really true in real life. So for example, if the house is in his name for example, but you're married, then you're both owning it legally, not just him.

Sooner or later (and it may have already happened) he will be a danger to your children and you will be deemed not doing enough to protect them if you stay with this abusive dangerous dick. You need to put a plan in place to leave. Try and get as much support as you can from solicitor, police, social services and council family support. Leaving is scary and dangerous but the alternative is worse.

Couples counselling is very rarely a good move. Most of them suck. Too many like to operate from a no-blame or equal-blame approach, which makes them very easily manipulated by shitty men.

One thing you should give no more thought to is the suicide threat. How he reacts to anything is his choice, nothing to do with you. I agree that a long secret process is often easiest. Make sure you hide everything well.

'My kids will not thank me for it as they will not understand.'

I'm going to be harsh here in an attempt to help - your above quote is absolute drivel. You know that. You are not leaving because you are scared. Own that. You know full well that your kids will be better off without him. Stop using them as an excuse.

He is both & your children absolutely should not be in this environment. It doesn’t matter if they won’t thank you or don’t understand. You all need to be away from this excuse of a man ASAP

Gosh @westeringhome - he’s really a prince isn’t he.
The fact that you already sense he could be dangerous if you left shows you know he is abusive.

It’s such a difficult thing to admit.

But it’s the first step.

He might not want to leave ‘his’ house but he will have to buy you out. The laws are clear and him making threats and having mantrums won’t change it.

The suicide threat is just that - a threat. To control and manipulate. They never ever carry through with it. You are the one in danger, not him.

Woman’s Aid, a good family law solicitor and a plan is what you need, not this abusive dickhead.

Take your time to gather every single scrap of financial information and paperwork about everything. Savings, NI number, pension, bank accounts, your home, his other properties, the lot. Do it bit by bit, take copies and give it all to your sister to keep safe for you. You are married, so whether he likes it or not, he can't stay sitting pretty in the house and leave you and the dc with nothing should you split.

You have to leave this man, he is horribly abusive, and by abusing their mother he is also abusing your dc.

Say nothing and don't mention counselling to him again. If you feel it would benefit you, then go on your own.

It sounds like you're on this:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

Does it look familiar?

You need to get out. If you raise the kids in this environment, this is the model of 'adult relationship' that they will try to replicate for their whole adults lives. They will not thank you for a short term gain (less disruption) at the expense of a massive long term loss for them (their wellbeing in their adult relationships)

You might not feel you have any ducks, but the fact is, half his ducks are yours. So it sounds like you have plenty of ducks, if you drop the duck-denial.

Sounds abusive to me (and a REAL dick) - manipulative/belittling behaviour; alcohol abuse - nah! Get rid (or get out) - life is too short to live with this sort of person

He sounds incredibly abusive.

There’s also no way your children aren’t fully aware of this behaviour. They’re living it just as you are, and while it is difficult for you to leave, they have no choice in the matter at all.

OP, yes, he is abusive.

But thank goodness you married him, as that massively changes your financial situation. You haven't been married long but, given that you are, the length of your relationship will be taken into account, as will the fact that you have young children. But get proper legal advice asap (there are various threads on here which offer ways in which women can do this if they can't afford to do it themselves).

And the next time he leaves the house drunk and gets in the car, I would be ringing 999. There is no excuse, ever, for drink driving, and anyone who does it ought to lose their licence for a very, very long time.

I am sure this is of the kind of life you want for your children. You will be so much lighter on your own, that man is weighing you down.

drink drives, always storming out pissed and tries to hide his drinking but I can smell and see the effect clearly
Bin, for this reason alone.

I know he has had low self esteem for a long time and I have been reassuring but now I just think he is controlling and manipulative as nothing I say to reassure him makes any difference (well, he will apologise then just repeat behaviour), claims he is scared of losing me and has made veiled suggestions of suicide should that ever happen

You could be describing my ex here. I was taken by his "low self esteem" and his sob stories of growing up. It was all manipulative. Now I'm 3 years out of the relationship I don't think he has ever had low self-esteem at all - in fact I think he thinks he's amazing. The whole poor me, I've got no self-esteem etc is just an act to suck you in. I'm willing to bet that the same applies to your abusive dick DH.

As for the suicide "threats" - my ex did this to me, they were always "veiled". It made me terrified to leave him and in fact he left me a few times and I took him back when he turned up again with a sob story and more veiled suicide threats.
By the time he went the last time I no longer cared whether he committed suicide or not - I'm sorry if that sounds harsh - but I'd really had enough and by that point I was starting to think that the suicide threats were also simply manipulative. He hasn't committed suicide....and even if he were to I would not blame myself in anyway at all. If he did it, it would be his decision and his alone and absolutely nothing I could do would make any difference whatsoever.

I think you should completely ignore the suicide threats when making your own decision about how to proceed. They should not come into the equation at all. Preventing him committing suicide is not a reason to stay and I know from my own experience with my ex that by the time the relationship ended for good I'd hit absolute rock bottom and was having "passive suicidal thoughts" ie. "I really wouldn't care if I was hit by a bus. I wouldn't care if I had a heart attack and dropped down dead".
Don't let your own mental health deteriorate to that extent please.....

What @Summerhouse said with bells on

Do you want to bring your kids up with his behaviour as the model for relationships? Do you want more for them and would you intervene if you found out this was happening to your daughter as an adult?
If the answer to all of this is yes then please ditch your guilt.
The kindest thing is to do this while they are small. As a child of divorced parents I hate the phrase 'together for the sake of the kids'. I want to scream don't do it.
For us it was a massive relief and by the time we were adults and major life events were happening, it was all so long ago they have managed to be civil and I've never had to choose

Contact Women's Aid for advice, OP. You need out and it might not cost you your training/career. I think you've lost your 50 grand, however. Even if you aren't ready to leave, you need to consider the possibility in future, so try to save a bit aside and collect as much info on financial situation as you safety can do. Because, seriously, you can't stay in this relationship and it is bad news for your children too.

Good luck 🍀💐