Is DH abusive or just a dick?

[westeringhome]

We’ve been together lots of years now. I usually only post here when I have issue with him, to gain perspective, and to be fair it’s a long time since I’ve posted. When the kids were tiny I looked after them 24/7 while he worked and had important things to do every weekend. I always thought he liked the fact I had no life outside of home, although I always made it clear I had not intention of remaining a SAHM. At the time I remember feeling totally on my own and thinking he will get a big shock once the kids are up a bit and I start doing things for me once again. 2yo ago all the kids were all at nursery and school so I started Uni. He can’t understand why I need a job as he gets paid enough to cover outgoings. He started getting jealous, I was patient. He calls my career aspirations my “precious little job”, questions my priorities, accuses me of cheating, shouts at me then stonewalls me all the time, asks why I’m going on about it if I try to ask him why he loses his temper at me, moans about not getting enough sex (I feel so put off him by how he treats me), thinks I’m masturbating if I’m in the shower too long, gets jealous of tv programmes like love island, has a go if I haven’t texted him enough in the day, can’t text my sister without him wondering who I’m texting, drink drives, always storming out pissed and tries to hide his drinking but I can smell and see the effect clearly. I know he has had low self esteem for a long time and I have been reassuring but now I just think he is controlling and manipulative as nothing I say to reassure him makes any difference (well, he will apologise then just repeat behaviour), claims he is scared of losing me and has made veiled suggestions of suicide should that ever happen. Has anyone dealt with this and does it ever go away. He shat all over my suggestion of counselling as I know he has unresolved grief too, saying he was his own man. I have I’m not entirely sure whether I can tolerate any more micro managing or belittling. My sister knows what he says and does so I do have support, but I am changing my perfectly normal behaviour to accommodate his reactions, and trying to rationalise his treatment of me and I don’t think that’s healthy at all.

It’s abuse. Get your poor children out of this awful situation.

I am reading all of your responses. We only got married in June, were engaged for years. I knew I shouldn’t have gone through with it. I don’t have any ducks to get in a row, everything is his, I am totally financially dependent, which I never ever wanted to be. I have never ever shouted or swore at him, even when he kicked the (horrible) solar lights all over the grass and booted over the wheelie bin - for what reason I cant even remember. I told him before that his behaviour could be perceived as abusive and he lost the plot. It is reassuring to hear that your replies agree that this is abusive behaviour and unlikely to improve, but is a scary realisation on at the same time. Yes I would tell someone else to leave. He stormed off drunk in the car last night, I didn’t even know he was home again til I went up to bed and found him in bed. Haven’t spoken to him since as he gets up really early and am dreading him coming home, i feel like he will be silent to test the water til I extend the daily pleasantries then he will decide how I will be treated this evening. He is good at hiding it from the kids and I manage to excuse my watery eyes by telling them I’ve just yawned.

Yes this is abuse

If you are married, half of everything is yours, whether it's in your name or his. Get some proper legal advice.

He has many nasty, and mentally abusive issues, and he dumps all these on you, and it is just no way to live. He is spiteful and has no respect for you.. This is surely enough badness from him ,to encourage you to be free of him.

He is absolutely abusive. I don't know how you can't see it. This is your only life and you are utterly wasting it on this pathetic prick. Please stop.

You're not financially dependent on him. You're married, so on divorce you will get at least 50% of all the assets you both have. He will also have to pay child maintenance. My ex also has to pay spousal maintenance, though I know from here that not all do.

He is an abusive horror that could end up killing someone.

Report him to the police.

Your poor children are being reared in a terribly abusive home.

He is using self harm to control you.

Tell the police that he is controlling.

He is a very bad man and you are wasting your life and that of your children, with him.

Call womens aid for support.

Can you make sure he never drives the kids unless you are absolutely sure he is sober...

Next: you are married, you have rights. I'm not a lawyer, but I believe that, given you have kids together, the years you lived together may possibly be taken into consideration in working out a financial settlement.

What's your housing situation - rented or owned. If the latter, are you on the deeds? Even if you are not you may be entitled to a share in the equity.

Do your research. WIKIVORCE is a good starting point. Then see a lawyer. Even an hour long consultation will be money well spent, particularly if you've done your research.

You can do this, and your children will thank you.

Abusive. 100 per cent.

Stop namong his issues (grief) and excusing his behaviour. His behaviour works because you change your behaviour therefore you are controlled.

You dont need a reason to leave.

You will be happier without this shit.

Signed
Someone who had a controlling ex and was happier just weeks later after the initial shock.

Not that it matters as you should leave anyway due to emotional abuse, but if you were to cheat, would you be safe physically?

What im getting at is that no matter how angry or upset my partner was, in any situation, i would never fear for my safety. You posts read like you are scared he could hit you if you cheated.

Definitely abusive and dump-worthy.

@westeringhome

I am reading all of your responses. We only got married in June, were engaged for years. I knew I shouldn’t have gone through with it. I don’t have any ducks to get in a row, everything is his, I am totally financially dependent, which I never ever wanted to be. I have never ever shouted or swore at him, even when he kicked the (horrible) solar lights all over the grass and booted over the wheelie bin - for what reason I cant even remember. I told him before that his behaviour could be perceived as abusive and he lost the plot. It is reassuring to hear that your replies agree that this is abusive behaviour and unlikely to improve, but is a scary realisation on at the same time. Yes I would tell someone else to leave. He stormed off drunk in the car last night, I didn’t even know he was home again til I went up to bed and found him in bed. Haven’t spoken to him since as he gets up really early and am dreading him coming home, i feel like he will be silent to test the water til I extend the daily pleasantries then he will decide how I will be treated this evening. He is good at hiding it from the kids and I manage to excuse my watery eyes by telling them I’ve just yawned.

I don’t have any ducks to get in a row, everything is his, I am totally financially dependent

But you got married, so everything is most assuredly not his - especially as you have DC.

I am sorry that you have to live in dread of his homecoming, waiting to see how he decides to treat you. For the moment, I suggest you keep your head down while you start establishing what your & DC's rights are. Find an excellent lawyer, describe what is happening as you have here, & make sure they are aware of how his behaviour has escalated since the marriage. (This is common - abuse tends to ramp up when couple have children, get engaged, move in together etc).

You will feel more secure & confident when you have a legal expert on Team You who can spell out exactly what assets/cash/pensions would accrue to you & DC upon divorce. Obviously you need to do all this is secret. Experienced PP can advise what documentation etc you need to copy & keep securely away from DH's reach.

Do you have anyone in real life you can confide in?
Even support like storing your essential document copies for you, where DH can't find them, will be practical support for you, & you also need the moral support of another person validating how extreme & unacceptable DH's behaviour is.

Small steps, get support, get a lawyer, & keep your head down until you are ready.

YABU for staying with him. He's an abusive dick and you deserve much better.

He is terribly abusive and controlling. His behaviour isn’t normal.
You’ll never be able to make him see that he’s in the wrong though, it sounds like he thinks he owns you and his mind is too warped to ever be in a healthy relationship.
If you’re married then it’s not all his, your assets are joint.
You really need to leave him because this will never get better. Please be careful, he sounds like he could get dangerous when you try to leave.

He's a one man bingo card of abusive, controlling behaviour. Please don't stay with him.

Well it’s both and you need to leave him now

Set him straight tell him exactly how he makes you feel and how you dislike his behaviour, shouting, control and lack of support in your aspirations.
Tell him he needs to deal with his drinking, address his insecurities and demeanour (and grief) through counselling so that he can facilitate being a true father and supportive spouse.
Tell him how unattractive his behaviour is and that this is why the sex is lacking as you don't get turned on by his behaviour or verbal abuse.
Lay out some ground rules and steps for change so that he can try and improve. If he's not prepared to do this to make you happy and keep his family together then I think you have a true understanding of where he places you all and your happiness in his life. You can make decisions to improve your well being without him.

I feel like he will be silent to test the water til I extend the daily pleasantries then he will decide how I will be treated this evening

Well to start with, I wouln't be the one to start talking to him. Him staying silent might actually a good thing.

Both.

I don’t have any ducks to get in a row, everything is his, I am totally financially dependent

A few things there

1- you are married so no, all is not his and just his, especially as you have been together for mnay years and have dcs together.
2- thank god you have taken steps by going back to Uni and start working. I'm not sure how long you have left but I am sure taht in a couople of years maz you will NOT be financially dependent at all. Which is exactely why he has such a hige issue with you going back to Uni!!

He's horrible. Vile, abusive and an utter dick.

In your shoes I would grit my teeth til I'd finished my degree (purely because you need some childcare help to do it) and then file for divorce.

You'll be much happier without this nasty, pathetic specimen.

Don't reassure him any more. If he says he's worried about losing you I'd nod and say 'Yep. You are pushing me away all the time with your behaviour - but we've had this conversation, endlessly. I'm not repeating myself. Your issues and your problem^.

I'd simply walk away if he tried to argue.

He sounds like a classic narcissist. He won't change. He is abusing you. Get yourself ready quietly, organise your finances, somewhere to live etc etc and then leave.
You need to begin a diary with dates and what he says/ does. He may try to take your children from you so it's important that you can prove that what he says about you is untrue and that he's been abusing you emotionally.
Be strong.

I have 50k tied up in this house but everything is in his name, other properties too. I couldn’t continue my studies without him as my placements several times a year are 12hr shifts and I have no one else to look after the kids. I know he would not look after them to accommodate my career. For extra job experience I also joined the nhs as a bank healthcare support worker but only managed 1 shift in 6months as he made such a fuss about it. I do feel financially stuck and I am upstairs drying my cold sweat with the hairdryer at the thought of leaving. He would never leave. It’s “his” house. I feel he would get dangerous if I went, and I think that leaving will have to be a long secret process. I will feel guilt ridden for breaking up the family and my kids are so small they will not thank me for it as they will not understand. Someone mentioned what would happen if I cheat - I have no intention to cheat, I would be quite happy if I never had another relationship tbh. Thank you all so much for responding, I needed some perspective as he is so good at twisting situations that I really was beginning to wonder if he is right and it is in fact me that is unreasonable - so thanks for grounding me.

He can feel his control slipping as you become more independent.
He's scared and his abuse will escalate.
You need to leave ASAP.