DD doesn't want to move WWYD?

[LovingitHatingiAndEverythingin]

I live in an upstairs flat with my 7 yo. No garden. No outside space at all.

I am desperate to move, but DD doesn’t want to unless “we spend more time at home”.

I’m a single parent, no maintenance from ExH and he refuses to have her more than 24 hours a fortnight. I work 22-25 hours a week, DDs in wrap around from 8am until 5pm 3x a week, 1 night she does Brownies, and then over the weekend she does Swimming then goes to her dads EOW.

So there’s only one day a fortnight (Sunday my weekend) where we do nothing at all and then 1 night a week where she’s not got something going on (Friday).

I feel for her, I’m shattered too but I don’t know what else to do. She doesn’t want to give up Brownies, and I can’t not work. We do get all her schoolwork done but I worry as she gets more of it we won’t have time (currently 2 worksheets, spellings and then reading).

She won’t give up Brownies as it’s the only place she says she feels she fits, the children at ASC change every night and she’s currently only allowed to play with her classmates (not other year groups) so her friends aren’t always there so she can end up alone (there is one night she’s the only person from her class there and she gets put with the other year 3 class but due to covid she hardly knows anyone there so ends up choosing to sit alone).

We can’t give up swimming as she has a muscle condition helped by her weekly swimming.

So WWYD? Look to move or stay put as we’re not making use of it much anyway?

I'm torn because I get why she wants to stay put.

She's 7, why have you asked her? You are the parent!

You’re the adult who makes the adult decisions. Why would you even ask her opinion at 7?!

As the parent and adult you can see the bigger picture.
A 7 year old only knows what she is familiar with.
I would not let a 7 year old make or influence a decision I know would improve our lives in the long term.

Are you talking about moving away to a different town?

But I agree with pp - she's 7. I'm sorry but she doesn't get a say.

Why do you want to move?

Kind of not related to your main point. But that is really shitty of the ASC. She should not be playing alone.

Your mistake was leading her to believe it was up for discussion. A 7 year old does not get to have a veto on major life changes - it is ultimately stressful for them and gives them a feeling of shouldering responsibility for adult decisions.

Find somewhere suitable and move if it will make your life easier. Your DD will be fine. She doesn’t want to move now because most children generally prefer things to stay the same. But that doesn’t mean a move will harm her in any way. People move house all the time - there is no need for drama/angst about it.

@Bonbon21

As the parent and adult you can see the bigger picture. A 7 year old only knows what she is familiar with. I would not let a 7 year old make or influence a decision I know would improve our lives in the long term.

I agree with this.

It's your decision. She can express her opinion and worries, but she doesn't get a say in whether it happens or not.

Why are you involving her in the decision? When I was a little bit older my dad asked me a similar question do I want to stay in our flat or move to a house? I thought moving to a house meant moving away from school and friends so I said stay. No idea if that swayed him but we did stay. It felt like so much pressure!!

@StCharlotte Plan is to stay as close to school as possible as ExH and his family are in this town too so don't want to move too far and stop him seeing her the little he does.

@Savoretti I want more space, I wfh sometimes and would like to have seperate office space even if thats a corner of my bedroom closed off, at the moment I do everything in the living room and it can feel tiresome.

You’re the adult here.

@Asleanna

Kind of not related to your main point. But that is really shitty of the ASC. She should not be playing alone.

She chooses to when there;s no-one from her class, they put her with the other year 3 class but she's quite shy so doesn't know the other class well so prefers to sit alone.

Will add I never asked her opinion, she knows I'm thinking about it and she;s told me she doesn't want to move without me asking at all.

I need more information.
Would moving also mean your DD changing schools, losing all her friends, losing her Brownie troop, losing her swimming pool/instructor?

What would new house be like? Would she have a bigger or smaller room?

I think the “spend more time at home” is something she wants regardless of whether you move. But she may be expressing things poorly as you do already have lots of time not working, not doing activities. What do you do when off? When you’re home, do you do things together?

What positives would moving add to your life? Will you get a garden? Near work?

Brownies and swimming whilst feel like forever they do out grow it, if moving is a positive thing for you all move

A seven year old doesn't have nearly the level of understanding to have an informed opinion on something like this. You tell her this is what is happening and then address any concerns but you've made a rod for your own back by letting her think she gets to put conditions on it. 'Unless we spend more time at home' suggests she's wondering why you need a new house when you have one already, she isn't going to understand why you want one or the benefits. Unfortunately I have no advice as to how you're going to walk back having positioned this as her choice other than I hope you learn from this and don't expect a smal child to make adult life choices in the future.

[quote LovingitHatingiAndEverythingin]@StCharlotte Plan is to stay as close to school as possible as ExH and his family are in this town too so don't want to move too far and stop him seeing her the little he does.

@Savoretti I want more space, I wfh sometimes and would like to have seperate office space even if thats a corner of my bedroom closed off, at the moment I do everything in the living room and it can feel tiresome.[/quote]
If you get more space move. She will be fine with it in the long run.

@PlanDeRaccordement

I need more information. Would moving also mean your DD changing schools, losing all her friends, losing her Brownie troop, losing her swimming pool/instructor?

What would new house be like? Would she have a bigger or smaller room?

I think the “spend more time at home” is something she wants regardless of whether you move. But she may be expressing things poorly as you do already have lots of time not working, not doing activities. What do you do when off? When you’re home, do you do things together?

Would moving also mean your DD changing schools, losing all her friends, losing her Brownie troop, losing her swimming pool/instructor?

Plan is to stay as close to school as possible so she'd stay at her school, she'd still go to her swimming teacher and stay with Brownies.

What would new house be like? Would she have a bigger or smaller room?

I haven't found anywhere yet but the plan is she'd have a bigger bedroom, a garden to play in, I'd have a bit more space to work.

What do you do when off? When you’re home, do you do things together?

When off we do a mixture of staying in and days out, she always gets input into days out, so I'll choose one then she chooses the next one, we did beach and zoo in the summer which where her choices.

When home we bake, read stories, watch films, just talk. But I do also let her play on her own, she draws or makes something.

I’d ask your DD what she means then, because I think you’re already home a lot and you spend a lot of time with her. Either way, it wouldn’t be affected by moving.

We did always involve our DC in moves. Talked about it. Took them to all the viewings. It got them excited and they could also see how hard we try to keep same school, consider how their friends can still come over, etc.

Has she ever moved before? She might simply be a bit afraid to be leaving her home and going to a new house?

I would move, if you are in the financial position to, and feel it would benefit you. Ultimately, having more space can’t possibly impact negatively on your daughter, can it? What are the particular reasons she wants to stay, other than not wanting change? I’m sure you can address her concerns and explain why, as the adult, you still think it’s a good idea.

I would make the decision and move. She can’t imagine moving as she is 7. Just explain the positives and tell her when it is happening. Don’t say to her “don’t be sad” “you’ll settle in when we move” “it will work out worth it” or any other talk that makes it sound like this is going to be traumatic. We’ve moved a lot but haven’t asked, just told them ie over a few months “thinking about moving” “decided to move” “this is where we are moving to” “we are moving on x date” “these are the things we need to do to get ready” “I’m looking forward to x, y and z about the new place”, accepted their reaction but not expected or had any problems when it came down to the move.
I’m not saying moving will be devoid of emotion but ultimately you’ve got to make decision and take the worry out of it for her as much as possible.

Hey 7 yr old I’m thinking of moving house.
I don’t want to.
Ok we won’t then.

I cannot imagine why on earth you are letting a 7 yr old have a say in this.
Mind blown.

@icedancerlenny

You’re the adult who makes the adult decisions. Why would you even ask her opinion at 7?!

This.

I’m always surprised by the number of MN posters that give weight to opinions of their very young children. You’re the adult, you decide where you live.

Just tell her you understand change is scary but it has to happen and she might like the new house more in time.

You the adult, you decide where you live. She's 7