DD doesn't want to move WWYD?

[LovingitHatingiAndEverythingin]

I live in an upstairs flat with my 7 yo. No garden. No outside space at all.

I am desperate to move, but DD doesn’t want to unless “we spend more time at home”.

I’m a single parent, no maintenance from ExH and he refuses to have her more than 24 hours a fortnight. I work 22-25 hours a week, DDs in wrap around from 8am until 5pm 3x a week, 1 night she does Brownies, and then over the weekend she does Swimming then goes to her dads EOW.

So there’s only one day a fortnight (Sunday my weekend) where we do nothing at all and then 1 night a week where she’s not got something going on (Friday).

I feel for her, I’m shattered too but I don’t know what else to do. She doesn’t want to give up Brownies, and I can’t not work. We do get all her schoolwork done but I worry as she gets more of it we won’t have time (currently 2 worksheets, spellings and then reading).

She won’t give up Brownies as it’s the only place she says she feels she fits, the children at ASC change every night and she’s currently only allowed to play with her classmates (not other year groups) so her friends aren’t always there so she can end up alone (there is one night she’s the only person from her class there and she gets put with the other year 3 class but due to covid she hardly knows anyone there so ends up choosing to sit alone).

We can’t give up swimming as she has a muscle condition helped by her weekly swimming.

So WWYD? Look to move or stay put as we’re not making use of it much anyway?

I'm torn because I get why she wants to stay put.

@LovingitHatingiAndEverythingin

Will add I never asked her opinion, she knows I'm thinking about it and she;s told me she doesn't want to move without me asking at all.

How did you respond to her comments?

Also whilst you haven't asked her opinion you obviously consider her it to be important. As you're asking what to do about her not wanting to move, and even seem to be considering staying put because of her comments. The answer is do nothing. If you move then she will have to accept it.

What's her reason for not wanting to move if literally nothing will change for her other than more space?

I work those hours
How on earth are you “exhausted” with one school aged child

And it’s not one day a fortnight fgs

On your weekends you do swimming. Does that really wipe the day out?

Kids never want to move. They know what’s familiar. They don’t like the idea of uncertainty.

You need to decide what you want to do then you find the right thing and sell her on it. Look DD a lovely garden, what a beautiful bedroom you will have and more space to hsve friends to stay, whatever. Don’t present moving as in abstract - it’s too much. Present it as a going to this place and here are the benefits.

She’s 7. You’re the parent. I wouldn’t let someone who has baby teeth dictate my moving and living arrangements. But that’s just me.

My 10-year-old overheard us talking about a prospective house move. We let her see the house (second viewing), and made it clear we wanted to know if she liked it or not - but NOT if she wanted to live there, or if she’d prefer it to current house, or if she thought it’d suit us, or anything else. ONLY “do you like this house?”. She was much calmer and happy to not have to attempt a difficult adult decision whilst still getting her views heard. I know your DD is younger and not the same as mine, but maybe try a similar approach - if you find something suitable.

@LovingitHatingiAndEverythingin

Will add I never asked her opinion, she knows I'm thinking about it and she;s told me she doesn't want to move without me asking at all.

I think most children would say that. They don't like change. When we moved house, my 8 year old son was adamant that he wasn't moving, he was going to stay in the old house. When we packed everything up he realised he was moving with us. It's natural and they get over it within a couple of days.

Tell her not to worry, that it is an adult decision which you will make and everything will be fine. That's all she wants to know.

Obviously we talked the house up a lot - eg her bedroom, the garden, etc.

We told our kids we would be moving at some point in the future, COVID made this much longer process. My youngest was not keen, but now if you asked if he wanted to go back to the old house and school 18 months later the answer would be no! It’s the fear of the unknown.

She can have an opinion but at the age of 7 you can hear it without giving it any weight.

You may not spend much time at home during the week but you have all of the school holidays whihi 12 weeks a year you have to fill even if she is at a holiday club for part of it. If she has some outside space she can go out and play with a swing set, slide or trampoline when DD outgrew those things we dug a pond which Dd loves to sit and watch the tadpoles and froglet's etc.

Maybe tell your dd that you can tell shes a bit anxious about the idea of moving, but you promise that it will be somewhere nice and its not something she needs to worry about as most things will either stay the same or be better.

We are hoping to move soon, and one of my teenagers doesnt want to move, but it will be fine, and once theyve got their own bedroom done up nicely and realise it is an upgrade rather than a downgrade I know theyll be fine. Its a big scary thing for a kid sometimes

She's 7 - she gets no say.

Children especially hate change.
I would look for somewhere else and once you’ve found somewhere then you can tell her and show her it and make plans to re-decorate her new room, get a little greenhouse etc.
I promise she will be happy once you are there.

The work issue isn’t going to change unfortunately. Single parent children are at a disadvantage but all you can do is try and make the most out of the time you have together.
As I’m a single parent I decided to get a school job and although the money’s not great and I work long hours during the week, it means I get the holidays off to have some quality time.

Of course she doesn't want to move. She's 7.

All the other stuff in your post is completely irrelevant

She's not really talking about the move though is she? She's communicating to you that she is feeling she needs more relaxed time at home and more space in the routine. Which I get you can't do much about, but just hear her loud and clear and make some subtle changes where you can eg ideas

• keep days out to the holidays
• have a duvet day Sunday once in a while
• skip swimming or brownies once a month

It seems like the move is a good idea if you can. Good luck.

Well, you move. Because she's 7 and has no idea what is best.

Echo the others who have said it’s not something you should have consulted her over.

W had to move across the country when ours was 17. Just had to be done and they understood.

You are giving your 7 year old too much say and of that keeps happening, you’ll regret it when she’s older and is calling the shots.

@PlanDeRaccordement

I’d ask your DD what she means then, because I think you’re already home a lot and you spend a lot of time with her. Either way, it wouldn’t be affected by moving.

We did always involve our DC in moves. Talked about it. Took them to all the viewings. It got them excited and they could also see how hard we try to keep same school, consider how their friends can still come over, etc.

Has she ever moved before? She might simply be a bit afraid to be leaving her home and going to a new house?

Not really but her dad has moved a few times and the only time she knew about it was when he told me right before that he had a new address.

You know, the life you describe - 3x after school club, brownies and swimming sounds pretty standard for a 7 year old these days. I dont think you need to feel guilty that she's exhausted or over-scheduled or away from home too much.

I think you have good reasons for moving so should move if you find the right place. A 7 year old is really too young to have an input into decisions that big, it seems like a nice idea but its a responsibility they dont need and they dont have the experience necessary to mske a good decision one way or the other. Esp in this cae where its about changing house, not school/town etc

From the sounds of it you work three full days. Can you not change this to two full days and two half days? Then she would be down to two days in ASC rather than 3?

We moved when dc were 5, 5 and 9 and none of them wanted to move (which was mad because they have so much more space here - big garden, a bedroom each etc). It took about a year to stop mentioning the old house. It was a place of memories for them. 4 years on they love it here and we discovered that although they love their own rooms they miss sharing sometimes so, especially the twins, will share at weekends and have “sleep overs” in each other’s rooms and the eldest sometimes joins them.

Kids get attached to things and have no experience of what could be better. My ds didn't want to move from our flat, until we moved and now he loves our house. He didn't want me to sell my old car until I got the new one.

It usually takes two days. You're the grown up and the decision maker. Just get on with it.

@Reallyimeanreally2022

I work those hours How on earth are you “exhausted” with one school aged child

And it’s not one day a fortnight fgs

On your weekends you do swimming. Does that really wipe the day out?

I'm exhausted from juggling everything, rushing from home to school to work to school to home 3x a week, life admin, medical stuff for DDs condition, the half termly meeting with school because of that condition etc.

If I feel like I don't know if I'm coming or going or I might meet myself on the way back round how on earth does a 7yo feel?

Swimming takes up most of the morning, and then every other week she goes from there straight to ExH not even home. I do get it, if I spent most of the week busy then didn't even get EOW in my home I'd feel a bit hard done by.

@Mumoftwoinprimary

From the sounds of it you work three full days. Can you not change this to two full days and two half days? Then she would be down to two days in ASC rather than 3?

Shifts are set shifts, 8.30am-4.30pm, no option to change. It was either 3 set shifts a week or full time.

@GoWalkabout

She's not really talking about the move though is she? She's communicating to you that she is feeling she needs more relaxed time at home and more space in the routine. Which I get you can't do much about, but just hear her loud and clear and make some subtle changes where you can eg ideas

• keep days out to the holidays
• have a duvet day Sunday once in a while
• skip swimming or brownies once a month

It seems like the move is a good idea if you can. Good luck.

Can't miss swimming due to her condition, but we do occasionally miss Brownies, she's not allowed to miss more than 2 in a 12 week term though as there's a waiting list so we do have to be careful.