Page 4 | DD doesn't want to move WWYD?

LovingitHatingiAndEverythingin · 2021-10-10T09:41:31+00:00

I live in an upstairs flat with my 7 yo. No garden. No outside space at all. I am desperate to move, but DD doesn’t want to unless “we spend more time at home”. I’m a single parent, no maintenance from ExH and he refuses to have her more than 24 hours a fortnight. I work 22-25 hours a week, DDs in wrap around from 8am until 5pm 3x a week, 1 night she does Brownies, and then over the weekend she does Swimming then goes to her dads EOW. So there’s only one day a fortnight (Sunday my weekend) where we do nothing at all and then 1 night a week where she’s not got something going on (Friday). I feel for her, I’m shattered too but I don’t know what else to do. She doesn’t want to give up Brownies, and I can’t not work. We do get all her schoolwork done but I worry as she gets more of it we won’t have time (currently 2 worksheets, spellings and then reading). She won’t give up Brownies as it’s the only place she says she feels she fits, the children at ASC change every night and she’s currently only allowed to play with her classmates (not other year groups) so her friends aren’t always there so she can end up alone (there is one night she’s the only person from her class there and she gets put with the other year 3 class but due to covid she hardly knows anyone there so ends up choosing to sit alone). We can’t give up swimming as she has a muscle condition helped by her weekly swimming. So WWYD? Look to move or stay put as we’re not making use of it much anyway? I'm torn because I get why she wants to stay put.

CSJobseeker · 10/10/2021 18:11

I always feel guilty. I split up her family (ExH was violent and I was told by SS I either leave or they take DD and I've never really felt at ease with that), I am the reason she only ever gets 26 weekends a year with her dad, the least I can do is take her feelings into account.

You are the reason she isn't growing up in an abusive home.
You are the reason she isn't subjected to watching her dad hit her mum.
You are the reason she wasn't taken into care, where her life chances would be significantly worse than they are now.

The least you can do is acknowledge the positive impact of the decisions you've made for your daughter, and continue to make those good decisions for her benefit.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 10/10/2021 18:20

* always feel guilty. I split up her family (ExH was violent and I was told by SS I either leave or they take DD and I've never really felt at ease with that), I am the reason she only ever gets 26 weekends a year with her dad, the least I can do is take her feelings into account.*

That bad.
And SS still permit weekly contact
No mention of supervised

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 10/10/2021 18:24

Surely he is the reason he gets limited context
Op you need to seriously work on your perspective

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 10/10/2021 18:27

@Reallyimeanreally2022

* always feel guilty. I split up her family (ExH was violent and I was told by SS I either leave or they take DD and I've never really felt at ease with that), I am the reason she only ever gets 26 weekends a year with her dad, the least I can do is take her feelings into account.*

That bad.
And SS still permit weekly contact
No mention of supervised

It's not the decision of social services whether she has contact or not. They aren't there to 'permit' contact or otherwise.

Iggly · 10/10/2021 18:30

YABU for making out like it’s the 7 year olds choice. It isn’t. As the adult, you take responsibility and yes that means she may be upset but she will get used to the change.

We moved house when the dcs were 6 and 4. They were sad to leave their friends and the area but we made the choice for good reasons and they love it. I can’t imagine being back in London now. As the adults it’s difficult having to be responsible and taking the rough with the smooth, but that is life.

Hullbilly · 10/10/2021 18:36

The excitement of a new places tends to mean they don't look back. Dd didn't want to move at all. Then forgot all about it once we'd moved.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 10/10/2021 18:37

Yes.
They can.
You don’t have experience of this do you?

2bazookas · 10/10/2021 18:39

7 yr olds don't make major housing/financial decisions. That's your job.

Cocomarine · 10/10/2021 18:47

*I'm exhausted from juggling everything, rushing from home to school to work to school to home 3x a week, life admin, medical stuff for DDs condition, the half termly meeting with school because of that condition etc.

If I feel like I don't know if I'm coming or going or I might meet myself on the way back round how on earth does a 7yo feel?*

Honestly, I think you’re projecting your feelings and over sympathising.
Your list of stressors don’t apply to her. You have to think about getting away from work on time, what the traffic will be, is it fair to have her in ASC etc… so yes, that can make you tired. She doesn’t do any of that. Ditto meetings about her condition.

She only goes to two clubs a week, and childcare 3 days. Her dad once a fortnight. That is not, for most kids, not knowing whether they are coming or going! It’s a set and very predictable routine. So stop feeling guilty.

missymayhemsmum · 10/10/2021 18:48

Sounds as though you are doing a brilliant job, and giving your dd a happy childhood. Be proud and stop feeling guilty.
Perhaps because of covid she hasn't been going round to play with friends who have gardens, so can't visualise a different home. The move would be hard work, but there would be more space to play, a garden and maybe a pet? An after school childcare swop with a friend's mum might work for you both instead of after school club, if that's an option

Your dd is telling you she needs more down time, though. Does she need to spend EOW with her father? Is it court ordered?

I disagree with pp who said you don't consult a 7 year old, but you make the decision you think best.

Rainydaypuddles · 10/10/2021 19:02

I think you are over thinking this OP.

Your DD doesn’t want to move as she feels safe in her current home, and once you move she will feel safe in her new home once you are settled in it. Moving home. We feel scary but with you giving her reassurance she will be fine.

The life you describe is very normal busy families who work too. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I assume you are home together on the other evenings too, when she isn’t at a club? Sounds very normal - and very predictable which is exactly what your DD needs.

If you want to include her then take her with you to view properties once you have checked them out. She can pick paint etc for her nee bedroom, maybe some toys for the new garden if your budget stretches to that. But the bigger decision about moving needs to be made by you. She doesn’t have the capacity to think a big decision through like this.

Original poster

LovingitHatingiAndEverythingin · 10/10/2021 19:08

@missymayhemsmum

Sounds as though you are doing a brilliant job, and giving your dd a happy childhood. Be proud and stop feeling guilty. Perhaps because of covid she hasn't been going round to play with friends who have gardens, so can't visualise a different home. The move would be hard work, but there would be more space to play, a garden and maybe a pet? An after school childcare swop with a friend's mum might work for you both instead of after school club, if that's an option Your dd is telling you she needs more down time, though. Does she need to spend EOW with her father? Is it court ordered? I disagree with pp who said you don't consult a 7 year old, but you make the decision you think best.

Yes court ordered contact, and even if it wasn't I don't think seeing less of her dad would do anything for their relationship.

We'v got pets but DD is desperate for a dog, which I can't consider without a garden.

To those asking I've done the freedom programme, had trauma counselling and more recently just general counselling but I still feel an overwhelming sense of blame for the violence.

OP posts:

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 10/10/2021 19:08

Children often find moving difficult. I think parents can acknowledge it's sad to say goodbye to your home and that change can make us all feel anxious. And that you still think it's the best decision for them, you are confident that your child can manage the move, and that in time they will be happy in their new home.

We made a change for our child's best interest that she begged and begged us not to. It is hard when they are sobbing begging you to not change something, knowing that initially it probably will be difficult for them. However we were certain it was the best decision for her overall, and that she would cope and settle in and then thrive, which we explained to her. And it was the correct choice.

I think as parents we need to try and instill a belief that they can meet challenges, and also reassure them that we are making decisions in their best interests (although that isn't always what they would choose).

Also her statement about being at home more doesn't seem related to moving. I have a child who benefits from periods of lots of downtime at home. Is there anything you can change to get more time at home?

How does she feel about the EOW with her father? How is their relationship? You said he was violent to you - does she feel safe and relaxed with him, or on edge?

Original poster

LovingitHatingiAndEverythingin · 10/10/2021 19:13

@HopelesslydevotedtoGu

Children often find moving difficult. I think parents can acknowledge it's sad to say goodbye to your home and that change can make us all feel anxious. And that you still think it's the best decision for them, you are confident that your child can manage the move, and that in time they will be happy in their new home.

We made a change for our child's best interest that she begged and begged us not to. It is hard when they are sobbing begging you to not change something, knowing that initially it probably will be difficult for them. However we were certain it was the best decision for her overall, and that she would cope and settle in and then thrive, which we explained to her. And it was the correct choice.

I think as parents we need to try and instill a belief that they can meet challenges, and also reassure them that we are making decisions in their best interests (although that isn't always what they would choose).

Also her statement about being at home more doesn't seem related to moving. I have a child who benefits from periods of lots of downtime at home. Is there anything you can change to get more time at home?

How does she feel about the EOW with her father? How is their relationship? You said he was violent to you - does she feel safe and relaxed with him, or on edge?

Is there anything you can change to get more time at home?

I don't really know, I'd love to

How does she feel about the EOW with her father? How is their relationship? You said he was violent to you - does she feel safe and relaxed with him, or on edge?

She's a bit indifferent to her dad. If he's there she'll chat to him but she doesn't seem to ask for him if he's not there. We sometime walk passed his house and she won't mention him but I can see her looking in trying to see him.

OP posts:

MattyGroves · 10/10/2021 19:15

I wouldn't move for a garden for a 7 year old, just go to the park

For home working - I do get that it's preferable to have dedicated space. Have you looked at a study bed? It's a proper bed with a desk underneath so you can leave everything on the desk when you go to bed

Rogue1001 · 10/10/2021 19:29

Did you post recently? Are you the poster who's ex wanted your dd to give up brownies and do dance instead?

TheNoodlesIncident · 10/10/2021 19:41

I do think you would benefit from additional therapy to sort out the burden of guilt you're currently carrying. I would feel exhausted if I was toting that around every waking second. Why do you feel the responsibility of another person's voluntary actions and behaviours? He chose to behave the way he did, and I bet he doesn't feel a fraction of the guilt you feel at the affect it had on his family. Guilt is a wasted emotion anyway, you cannot change the past but you can change how you feel about it.

I would sell the positives of moving to your DD once you are in the process. Like a PP, you could ask her if she "likes this house" on RightMove without putting the burden of decisions on her. It's lovely that you value her opinions and that she won't feel ignored, but this honestly is too big for her to worry about. If you're not moving so far that she can't stay in the same school and see the same kids at Brownies, it'll be fine. (Not to say she wouldn't be fine if you were moving further afield, but if that's an aspect that's worrying her then reassurance is easier.)

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 10/10/2021 20:03

Why OP? Why are you so keen on fostering a relationship with someone that an outsider agency was so incredibly concerned about that they ordered the child would be removed unless he left the child’s home.

My mind honestly boggles

Original poster

LovingitHatingiAndEverythingin · 10/10/2021 20:08

@Reallyimeanreally2022

Why OP? Why are you so keen on fostering a relationship with someone that an outsider agency was so incredibly concerned about that they ordered the child would be removed unless he left the child’s home.

My mind honestly boggles

The contact is court ordered, I have no choice but to make her available EOW and I wouldn't put it past ExH to go to court to stop me moving further away from him. He's been consistent having only cancelled his weekend twice in the entire 4 years we've had it and both would be classed as acceptable reasons so I'd have no chance if he wanted to stop it.

So I encourage it because I don't want to be seen as obstructive.

OP posts:

Fashionesta · 10/10/2021 21:03

I'm a single parent with no input whatsoever from the father and work a 37 hour week with a 9 yr old DD to manage. Just thought I'd put that out there...

Having said that, we are looking to move and I have discussed it with DD. However for her it would mean a change of school. I wouldn't not move if she said no but I think it's important to consider children's feelings too.

Flowersintheattic2021 · 10/10/2021 21:34

My dd is nearly 7. Tell her your buying her a trampoline at new house and will bounce with her doing bottom bounces every night. She will like this thought. Also tell her your buying her a pogo stick and bouncy hopper and she her what they are and demonstrate them

On a diff note. She only does wrap around 3 days and she is home at 530 so she gets all evening at home. Brownie day she comes home relaxes and then brownies at 7pm so plenty of time in house. One eve she is free after school. She has lots of time. I have always worked full time but mine used to go to inlaws til 6 every night. It's only since I now wfh kids are at home from 330 and I finish work at 530. We swim once a week and go out all weekend. Your been to hard on yourself

Flowersintheattic2021 · 10/10/2021 21:36

Also after swimming stay in if you want or get people to come to you rather than going out. Honestly your making it sound like you don't get chance to be at home you have loads of time

Cocogreen · 10/10/2021 22:26

A seven year old can't imagine living somewhere different because they're so young. Of course she doesn't want to move: she's 7.
Highlight the advantages to her. Move. You deserve it after what you've been through.
Sounds like she's not thrilled with the before and after care but that's real life for many, many children, including mine ( now adults). Otherwise sounds like she has a lovely life with you.