DD doesn't want to move WWYD?

[LovingitHatingiAndEverythingin]

I live in an upstairs flat with my 7 yo. No garden. No outside space at all.

I am desperate to move, but DD doesn’t want to unless “we spend more time at home”.

I’m a single parent, no maintenance from ExH and he refuses to have her more than 24 hours a fortnight. I work 22-25 hours a week, DDs in wrap around from 8am until 5pm 3x a week, 1 night she does Brownies, and then over the weekend she does Swimming then goes to her dads EOW.

So there’s only one day a fortnight (Sunday my weekend) where we do nothing at all and then 1 night a week where she’s not got something going on (Friday).

I feel for her, I’m shattered too but I don’t know what else to do. She doesn’t want to give up Brownies, and I can’t not work. We do get all her schoolwork done but I worry as she gets more of it we won’t have time (currently 2 worksheets, spellings and then reading).

She won’t give up Brownies as it’s the only place she says she feels she fits, the children at ASC change every night and she’s currently only allowed to play with her classmates (not other year groups) so her friends aren’t always there so she can end up alone (there is one night she’s the only person from her class there and she gets put with the other year 3 class but due to covid she hardly knows anyone there so ends up choosing to sit alone).

We can’t give up swimming as she has a muscle condition helped by her weekly swimming.

So WWYD? Look to move or stay put as we’re not making use of it much anyway?

I'm torn because I get why she wants to stay put.

She is 7 she hardly gets a say! "Darling, we are moving house, isn't that exciting?"

At 7 I wouldn’t have thought she’d have any idea what moving is, except to her it means leaving her friends/family/her life as she knows it for some that’s unknown, and the unknown can be scary.
I’d stop telling her about the possibility of moving and if you do find somewhere I’d tell her then and have a party with all her friends before leaving. Tough one, good luck

A 7yo isn't able to make a decision of this scale. She isn't able to imagine how things would be. I would be saying that this is what is happening, and then maintaining a positive tone when talking about it. She will get used to the idea.

Don't be swept up in feeling guilty about her being in childcare. While it might not be her first choice, it is not cruel or even particularly unusual. My dc know they have to go to childcare because we have to work, and that is how we pay for things for the family.

Remember that she will be less tired as she gets older.

You sound like a great mum who is providing lots of great opportunities for your dd and doing your best in a tricky situation.

I'm also astonished that a 7yr old is being given a say here.

You're the adult - assess the pros and cons and take responsibility for the decision yourself.

You do have to lead this family, you are the one who is working hard to make it work and you want to make it work better.

If you let your 7yo have this amount of power, you’re setting yourself up for a world of pain when she hits puberty

You have to tell her that her life as it is won’t change unless she wants to change things, you’ll move to something bigger, with space to work/study and a garden, that you don’t work so hard to be so cooped up

So many people have gone through lockdown with no garden and kids, and it’s grim.

So take a deep breath and explain to her what you’re going to do and why, and that while she features in your thinking, it’s your decision because your the one working to pay for it all.

Tell her to have faith in you, many people don’t like change but often things have to change and when they do, life is better.

You’re the matriarch here, you have the responsibility and therefore that gives you the power.

You have presented it to her wrong you should be telling her your moving to a house with a garden and it's going to be a great adventure

Have you thought of a childminder rather than after school club there is often a better mix of children

@Theunamedcat

You have presented it to her wrong you should be telling her your moving to a house with a garden and it's going to be a great adventure

Have you thought of a childminder rather than after school club there is often a better mix of children

The childminder that picks up from her school doesn't have any children aged over 6 at the moment, apparently that tends to happen occasionally when she's had a lot of under 4s for a long time.

There is another CM but I didn't really like her when choosing childcare so DD went to a private Nursery instead.

@MzHz

You do have to lead this family, you are the one who is working hard to make it work and you want to make it work better.

If you let your 7yo have this amount of power, you’re setting yourself up for a world of pain when she hits puberty

You have to tell her that her life as it is won’t change unless she wants to change things, you’ll move to something bigger, with space to work/study and a garden, that you don’t work so hard to be so cooped up

So many people have gone through lockdown with no garden and kids, and it’s grim.

So take a deep breath and explain to her what you’re going to do and why, and that while she features in your thinking, it’s your decision because your the one working to pay for it all.

Tell her to have faith in you, many people don’t like change but often things have to change and when they do, life is better.

You’re the matriarch here, you have the responsibility and therefore that gives you the power.

I always feel guilty. I split up her family (ExH was violent and I was told by SS I either leave or they take DD and I've never really felt at ease with that), I am the reason she only ever gets 26 weekends a year with her dad, the least I can do is take her feelings into account.

She never makes decisions but she has a say, so days out in the holidays I choose one then she chooses one but I break it down into say 2 or 3 options I'd be happy with going to.

Having read your other thread I think you’re worrying and so is she because of all the other crap her dad is putting you through

You’re a great mum, she’s just anxious but ultimately you make the decisions, not your Dd or your ex!

It sounds like a lovely plan, try getting her to plan things for her new room and a garden in the summer which might help to get her more excited by the idea while continuing to reassure her that nothing else will change

She never makes decisions but she has a say, so days out in the holidays I choose one then she chooses one but I break it down into say 2 or 3 options I'd be happy with going to.

That's fine for days out where she can choose the zoo one week and the farm the next, but buying a house isn't like that. You need to make the decision for her. She doesn't get a say in this.

You should never feel guilty for keeping your child safe. The reason she only gets 26 weekends with her father is because he is violent. That is not your fault.

You're keeping her safe, you're providing her consistency and a stable home. You're doing great.

And now you're in a position to move to a better home with more space for you both - that's fantastic!

FWIW, I'm a single parent and feeling guilty because you have to put your children into childcare while you work is a short road to unhappiness. Being in after school club a couple of afternoons a week is really not that awful. I'm sure she doesn't love it but life is not all sunshine and rainbows. She's safe and warm while you're earning money. She will be fine.

Quite a bizarre thread. You're home a perfectly normal amount of time and dd only spends one night a fortnight at her dads. Most kids say they don't want to move - they like what they know. This is normal. It's proportionate to allow her to choose from an approved list of days out. It's definitely not proportionate to let her decide whether you can move or not based on a 7 year olds logic of familiarity. A bigger house with a garden is of benefit to you and her in the longer term and she'll get used to it and it will become the familiar home that the flat currently is.

I always feel guilty. I split up her family (ExH was violent and I was told by SS I either leave or they take DD and I've never really felt at ease with that), I am the reason she only ever gets 26 weekends a year with her dad, the least I can do is take her feelings into account.

I just want to say that is is not your fault at all. It is here Dad's fault for choosing to be a violent man. Growing up in a household with violence would be a million times worse. I can guarantee that OP.

You absolutely made the right decision.

When you talk about moving, but it's theoretical, she can only picture what she's losing - not what she'll get instead. So wait until you have the new place lined up and sell it to her then.

Her answer is to a different problem, not moving. It sounds like she's finding life a bit hectic and hard going. Could you investigate an after school babysitter, like a student, rather than ASC? They could do her homework with her and it would feel like down time at home to your DD.

I think she's saying that she likes her home and she doesn't like ASC. Your new place would still be home, so I'd look at alternatives to ASC first.

Just move. Your dd will get used to it, I don’t know why you’re concerned about her feelings at her age. Kids don’t like change but she will barely remember the flat in a couple of years.

If she's influencing your decisions at 7, heaven help you when she's 17!

@LovingitHatingiAndEverythingin

Will add I never asked her opinion, she knows I'm thinking about it and she;s told me she doesn't want to move without me asking at all.

then I would be gently telling her that its not her choice or decision....that you will talk to her about it and not spring things on her but ultimately Mums decide what is best.

She is 7 why are you even asking her, you are the adult.
I appreciate you and her are alone together, but you are letting her have to much to say, like she is an equal.
You are the adult and need to make the life changing decisions without a seven year olds opinion.
It is best for both of you to move, so move.
You need to be stronger, as when she is a teenager, she will run rings around you.

Yes let her choose the colour of her room ect, not if you move house. X

It’s your decision, not hers… it’s natural she doesn’t want to move as humans don’t like the idea of change but she’ll adapt.

I don’t mean to be harsh OP but do you struggle with confidence and self-esteem? You’ve got a lot on your plate but it seems to me that you need to be asking for help. Your DD has 2 parents. Her dad needs to start contributing financially and emotionally in her life… it’s not fair for you to have to struggle on alone. You need to get some advice and stand up for yourself, I know it’s hard but you can do it!!!

The thing about taking her feelings into account in this way is what happens when she's older, realises she was wrong and wonders why you pushed the responsibility onto her. My mum did similar with me and I bitterly regret some of the decisions I made and, frankly, resent her for having laid them at my door.

And as for feeling guilty about removing her from a violent father, really?

At that age my sister though houses were fully furnished and all the toys/beds/tv etc were part of the home - she never thought she’d ‘take’ her own stuff when we moved.

The new property was empty and she was worried she’d have no toys.

You know, you sound like you are doing great. You have given dd security, and you support her to do the things she loves and the things she needs. All the rest is just the cherry on the top, and maybe that's what she's saying in her own way 'you are enough,'. She'll be happy with wherever you are.

If you are wfh could she not come home and chill out in the living room? Perhaps make that the incentive, if you had space for an office space she would not need asc when you wfh as she could come home and chill out.

I always feel guilty. I split up her family (ExH was violent and I was told by SS I either leave or they take DD and I've never really felt at ease with that), I am the reason she only ever gets 26 weekends a year with her dad, the least I can do is take her feelings into account.

This is a really messed up way of thinking. Did you ever do any domestic abuse recovery work after you left?

I always feel guilty. I split up her family (ExH was violent and I was told by SS I either leave or they take DD and I've never really felt at ease with that), I am the reason she only ever gets 26 weekends a year with her dad, the least I can do is take her feelings into account.

Your ex split the family up by being violent. You reacted fully appropriately and in the only way you possibly could to his violence.

It is better for your dd and will make her feel more secure to know that adults are responsible for big decisions.