To think my friend is trying to push me out …

[bumblebeez1]

My friend and I have been friends for 6 years.
We had our children at a similar time, they are 4 months apart.

We both returned to work at the start of the year and are both off on a Friday.

I have been going to several groups and have always asked my friend to come along but she didn’t fancy it.

A few weeks ago (when my group term ended) I asked my friend is she wanted to try out a local play group with me.

She was a bit hesitant but decided to come along.

We sat at a table together and it wasn’t long before a few other mums came to join us.

There were 6 of us at our table and it was everyone’s first time at the group, all our children are similar ages.
We’ve been several more times and all sat together.

For the last two weeks I haven’t been as we have been on holiday. I got back from holiday last Friday afternoon.

On Saturday my friend posted a picture on her Facebook and it was of her and the other 4 mums from playgroup captioned “mums night out”.

I felt a bit disappointed that I had missed out and did wonder why I hadn’t been invited, but as i’d missed two weeks of playgroup I guessed they’d arranged it then.

I have been to the play group today and again our table was me, my friend and the 4 new mum friends.

One of them mentioned to me that I should come on the next night out and asked me to post my availability in the WhatsApp chat.

I didn’t know there was a WhatsApp chat..so this must’ve been set up when I wasn’t there.

I asked “new” friend to add me but she said my friend is admin and only she can do it.

I mentioned it to my friend and she said “oh sure, I’ll add you later” (why not now….?!)

I’ve since messaged her and asked if she can add me to the group chat as I’d love to make plans with the group.
She’s read the message, hasn’t replied and hasn’t added me to the group.

At first I didn’t think much of not being invited on the night out, but now I’m thinking…
It was on a Saturday, I had come home on the Friday, my friend knew I was coming home on the Friday, she’s the only one who has my number, why didn’t she invite me?!

I can’t help but feel a bit put out that my friend didn’t mention it to me at all.
Even if she thought I couldn’t make it, she could’ve still asked.

Now she seems to be avoiding adding me to a chat group. Why didn’t she add me when she set it up.

She’s never really had many other friends, I’ve always tried to include her in things I do with my other friends so I’m lost as to why she’s trying to exclude me from a group that we met together.

AIBU? Should I feel upset by this? Do I say something?

She's not your friend. Sorry.

Not a friend. How mean

@Wilkolampshade

She's not your friend. Sorry.

@Wilkolampshade

We’ve been friends for 6 years. This is not like her at all. 😔

She sounds really insecure and is being a dick. I'd hold my head up high and refuse to just disappear, because it sounds like the other mums like you. I'd also probably talk to the friend about it and make it clear that I didn't like being excluded.

Perhaps her feelings towards you have changed because she is certainly not acting like a friend now. That is very clear from your post. Sorry.

I would ask her what the problem is. Clearly she has an issue.

If she says there is no issue I'd gently challenge her on this, given the facts you've already mentioned.

Oooh that’s shady! I’d be pissed off too OP. She waited for an opportunity to exclude you whilst you were on holiday.

I’d ask her again to add you. If she’s not done it by next Friday, call her out in front of the others - get your phone out and wait for her to do it there and then.

Maybe she’s just taking her time. Maybe she’ll get over the meanness and start behaving properly again. If not, it’s time to ditch her and move on!

Ask again to be added to the group in case she was distracted, but be clear "hey X, I had some ideas can you add me to the group today?". Once in the group judge from there.

I would go and sit with them all again at the next group and ask your friend then and they're to add you to the WhatsApp - not in a confrontational way just "oh you still haven't added me to the WhatsApp group, do it now and then I can share this really cute pic with you all". - just put her on the spot.

Alternatively, can you ask one of the other mums to ask her to add you? Just say "oh I've asked her but she keeps forgetting, do you mind posting on the group and asking her to add me, just as a reminder?" She can't get out of it that way. Don't let her push you out!

Just to add, my friend of about 10 years went totally weird on me when we had kids a few months apart. She didn't even tell me she was pregnant until about 6 months and then I couldn't say anything to her after the baby came without her twisting it weirdly and going quiet on me. She seemed to think I was having an easy ride (when in fact I found the first 6 months a terrible struggle) and resented me for it. It does sound like your friend might be doing the same? Perhaps she's insecure about being a mum and perceives you're finding it easy or are good at it etc and can't cope with that? Having kids does really weird things to some people.

If she hasn’t added you by next Friday ask one of the others for their numbers and start making your own arrangements with them

Or ask your friend directly what her problem is , you’ll have nothing to lose at that point

✂️

If you go to lots of groups and have lots of friends and she struggles a bit I can see why she is hesitant when she has found a group she clicked with. Maybe she feels that you would make her feel pushed out? Or that it's very claustrophobic to have to socialise with the same person as she doesn't have options as you do?

It sounds like you have lots of other options for friendships and meet ups so I would probably concentrate on them and socialise with these people, including this woman, at the group only.

If she still doesn’t add you to the group I think it’s ok to just ask her outright. She sounds insecure, I’ve know people like this, are you more outgoing or friendly than she is?
I moved to a new area when I was a young mum, I didn’t know anyone but I’m pretty friendly and get along with most people. I met another mum who was really lovely to me but I found out there was this big event going on locally. A beauty pamper Eve for mums at school and she wouldn’t talk to me about it. Eventually I skirted around the issue hoping for an invite as she knew the organiser and casually said ‘I heard people talking about a pamper evening’ no lie she responded with ‘I haven’t heard people talking’. That was effectively an eye opener to me as to who she really was, very insecure and I think she felt like I’d get on with her friends better than she does and she didn’t want that. I feel sorry for her though, she can be quite odd!

Sounds like she always feels second to you so is using this as an opportunity to try and step out of your shadow, which would be fair enough if it wasn’t for the fact these are mutual friends. If she wants to make her own friends she shouldn’t have used a group you joined together to do it.

Ask her to add you in front of the other mums next Friday. If she says she'll do it later, ask her to do it there and then.

I really feel for you OP
If this is deliberate then she isnt a friend.
She is sly.

One of my neighbours who I was friendly with did something along the same lines.
We took it in turns to host a certain get together .
When it was her turn to host she informed everyone of day and time except me.
I saw everyone from my window going in a her house with the usual gear.
I went round next day and confronted her,she said sorry I didnt know if you were in.....I lived the nearest.
Told her she was a sly fucker and never bothered with her since

Finally someone who does this to other people has posted! I’ve had it happen so many times and read about it on here but never understood it. I feel like the more the merrier when kids things are involved because it’s lovely to have a group to rely on especially when you all go back to work different days. @ABCeasyasdohrayme I understand your point of view but no one finds it easy to walk into a room of strangers and make friends, even people who appear confident and have lots of friends already.

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

If you go to lots of groups and have lots of friends and she struggles a bit I can see why she is hesitant when she has found a group she clicked with. Maybe she feels that you would make her feel pushed out? Or that it's very claustrophobic to have to socialise with the same person as she doesn't have options as you do?

It sounds like you have lots of other options for friendships and meet ups so I would probably concentrate on them and socialise with these people, including this woman, at the group only.

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

If you go to lots of groups and have lots of friends and she struggles a bit I can see why she is hesitant when she has found a group she clicked with. Maybe she feels that you would make her feel pushed out? Or that it's very claustrophobic to have to socialise with the same person as she doesn't have options as you do?

It sounds like you have lots of other options for friendships and meet ups so I would probably concentrate on them and socialise with these people, including this woman, at the group only.

But they started there together? Why should op have to miss out because her so called friend is trying to alienate her from social events with the rest of the group?! She's no friend op. That's a really, really shitty thing to do.

I think you’re seeing malice where there’s no indication it exists. You were away on holidays when the night out was organised, and the WhatsApp group formed — I think it’s reasonable enough to assume that someone who’d just got back from holiday is unlikely to want to go out the next night. I doubt it would occur to most people to ask for politeness’ sake.

I wouldn’t have started adding people on WhatsApp if I were in a social situation, either — I would have said I’d do it later (and possibly needed prompting.)

It sounds to me as if you’re used to being front and centre of your friend’s life because she doesn’t have many other friends, and that you’re resenting the fact that she seems to have grown in confidence socially with this new group.

😕 she doesn’t want you as part as the group.

Hmmm the night out I’d let it go you were on holiday and arranged it yes perhaps could’ve invited you so see why you’re annoyed. The not adding you to the group is odd unless she genuinely forgot . Ask again so it’s awkward for her to keep fobbing you off . If she doesn’t do it ask her why ? .

Shes not your friend. Dont ask her again about being added into the group. She can go f* herself

Even if my friend wasn't around or on holiday if I set up a WhatsApp group I'd add her to it at the same time as everyone else if she's part of that social group. Ask her what's going on.