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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my friend is trying to push me out …

88 replies

bumblebeez1 · 08/10/2021 14:31

My friend and I have been friends for 6 years.
We had our children at a similar time, they are 4 months apart.

We both returned to work at the start of the year and are both off on a Friday.

I have been going to several groups and have always asked my friend to come along but she didn’t fancy it.

A few weeks ago (when my group term ended) I asked my friend is she wanted to try out a local play group with me.

She was a bit hesitant but decided to come along.

We sat at a table together and it wasn’t long before a few other mums came to join us.

There were 6 of us at our table and it was everyone’s first time at the group, all our children are similar ages.
We’ve been several more times and all sat together.

For the last two weeks I haven’t been as we have been on holiday. I got back from holiday last Friday afternoon.

On Saturday my friend posted a picture on her Facebook and it was of her and the other 4 mums from playgroup captioned “mums night out”.

I felt a bit disappointed that I had missed out and did wonder why I hadn’t been invited, but as i’d missed two weeks of playgroup I guessed they’d arranged it then.

I have been to the play group today and again our table was me, my friend and the 4 new mum friends.

One of them mentioned to me that I should come on the next night out and asked me to post my availability in the WhatsApp chat.

I didn’t know there was a WhatsApp chat..so this must’ve been set up when I wasn’t there.

I asked “new” friend to add me but she said my friend is admin and only she can do it.

I mentioned it to my friend and she said “oh sure, I’ll add you later” (why not now….?!)

I’ve since messaged her and asked if she can add me to the group chat as I’d love to make plans with the group.
She’s read the message, hasn’t replied and hasn’t added me to the group.

At first I didn’t think much of not being invited on the night out, but now I’m thinking…
It was on a Saturday, I had come home on the Friday, my friend knew I was coming home on the Friday, she’s the only one who has my number, why didn’t she invite me?!

I can’t help but feel a bit put out that my friend didn’t mention it to me at all.
Even if she thought I couldn’t make it, she could’ve still asked.

Now she seems to be avoiding adding me to a chat group. Why didn’t she add me when she set it up.

She’s never really had many other friends, I’ve always tried to include her in things I do with my other friends so I’m lost as to why she’s trying to exclude me from a group that we met together.

AIBU? Should I feel upset by this? Do I say something?

OP posts:

Summersun2020 · 09/10/2021 20:52

Yes, it takes literally seconds to add someone to a WhatsApp group. There’s no way this isnt deliberate. People on here who talking about taking days to reply to a message etc treat their social life like it’s work, replying to “non urgent” messages from friends in 4-5 business days fucking weird. Vast majority of people don’t behave like this in the real world.
Op she’s being weird and a bitch. I’d ask her to add you in front of everyone, or make your own group. A shame for her as you seem like a really nice friend

Quire · 09/10/2021 22:32

@Thatsplentyjack

It must be absolutely exhausting living in some of your heads if you genuinely see malice and ill intent in every act that doesn’t centre you.

Have you been living under a rock your whole life?
The OP was the one that encouraged her friend to go to the group. The friend set up a WhatsApp group and didn't include her and then arranged a night out without even mentioning to the OP never mind waiting until she could come, and now won't add her to the group. Either you have never spent time around people or you're being disingenuous, or maybe you are one of these types of people that leave one person out, and make them feel like shit?

I have a lot of friends, possibly partly because I’m not insecure and paranoid enough to imagine slights everywhere.

MushMonster · 09/10/2021 22:38

I do not see an issue hete OP, appart that you are working yourself up.
You were on holidays, that is all.
You have been asked to join next time, just give the admin person time to do it.
She may have known how to create a group, but not sure how to add, so she is looking into it. Or she is working. Or other issues.
They have not been out without inviting you again, so I think you are over reacting here.
About your specific friend, as you came back on Friday, I am not sure I would be expecting you to want to go out the very next day, and some people do not invite if they think you would not want. Or she may have forgotten that you were coming back on Friday.

PikachuAndMe · 09/10/2021 22:46

Next Friday ask her to add you again. If she says later then ask her to do it now as she forgot to do it last week. If this doesn't work then start your own group, add everyone but her and organise a night out/meet up/ play date yourself.

WomanStanleyWoman · 10/10/2021 03:59

I have a lot of friends, possibly partly because I’m not insecure and paranoid enough to imagine slights everywhere.

Where do you get the idea that the OP, or anyone who agrees with her, ‘imagines slights everywhere’? She has asked about ONE incident. One. It doesn’t make her a paranoid mess.

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2021 04:44

Blimey the aggression in some of these posts. 😱

She could just be busy and not really having adding the op to WhatsApp as an immediate priority

twoandeights · 10/10/2021 05:28

Don’t let this put you off going. Meet the other mums one on one for coffee. Build individual friendships. Don’t post on Facebook. You found this group not her. She’s sly and can’t be trusted.

Testingprof · 10/10/2021 06:13

@Thatsplentyjack

She is purposely leaving the OP out and anyone that can't see that has to be a bit dim, and anyone that would do the things the OP's "friends" is doing (wether on purpose, or not) would be a complete dick.

I think that’s how they explain it away in their own heads so it’s not that bad. Like the PP who said there was no malice in not wanting OP in the groups whatsapp

Also it takes a few seconds to add someone to a group, I’d do it straightaway but then I wouldn’t have left out a friend in the first place.

Papertrain63 · 10/10/2021 06:48

I don't know weather your friend is being deliberately mean for sure but it's possible. I mean you shouldn't have to ask her she should just invite to the eatsapp group. It's a bit cheeky considering you invited her to the mum group initially.

I would txt and say you feel left out OP.

shreddergodo · 10/10/2021 09:14

Sounds like your friend may be doing that on purpose, I bet it feels really awful though you poor thing. It's so awkward and obviously you're second guessing yourself thinking 'AIBU?" and you're not. That being said there's not much you can do other than 1. go to playgroup as if nothing is wrong and speak to the other mums, make friends with them. 2. Ask your friend outright if she doesn't want to hang out with you. it will hurt if she says no, but at least you can go make some nice mum friends elsewhere.

I do find that some of my friends and I parted ways a bit when we became mothers because parenting styles do differ a lot and people can be snobby and judgey when they become their new selves as mothers if that makes sense....

pelosi · 10/10/2021 09:19

I would set up a new WA group.

Quire · 10/10/2021 11:25

@WomanStanleyWoman

I have a lot of friends, possibly partly because I’m not insecure and paranoid enough to imagine slights everywhere.

Where do you get the idea that the OP, or anyone who agrees with her, ‘imagines slights everywhere’? She has asked about ONE incident. One. It doesn’t make her a paranoid mess.

I’m talking more about the other people on the thread who have escalated to YOUR FRIEND IS A BITCH and NOT YOUR FRIEND and SHE WANTS YOU OUT solely on the basis of a night out organised with very new mutual acquaintances while the OP was away on holidays and the friend not adding her to the WhatsApp chat immediately, both of which have entirely innocent possible explanations.

I do think the OP’s response sounds quite insecure, as does the fact that she started the thread only the day after she asked her friend to add her to the group.

Also, given the amount of detail the OP goes into about her friend’s hesitancy about going to playgroups despite her urging, and how she’d had to persuade her to attend this one, and that the friend doesn’t have many other friends, it sounds to me as if the OP is used to being the socially more successful one of the friendship, and is resenting her friend integrating with this new group while she was away, and moving forward with them without her.

I think I’d be happy that a formerly loner friend was making new friends. It’s also possible that the shy-sounding friend tended to hide behind the OP when they attended the playgroup together, had to steel herself to attend alone, and actually flourished when she had no one to hide behind. The OP’s absence on holiday may have been key to her integrating into the new group.

Either way, if it’s a genuine friendship, I don’t think I’d get exercised about it.

Eralos · 11/10/2021 17:04

I’d ask her in front of everyone on Friday “oh can you add me to the group?” Can you do it now before we forget!

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