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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my friend is trying to push me out …

88 replies

bumblebeez1 · 08/10/2021 14:31

My friend and I have been friends for 6 years.
We had our children at a similar time, they are 4 months apart.

We both returned to work at the start of the year and are both off on a Friday.

I have been going to several groups and have always asked my friend to come along but she didn’t fancy it.

A few weeks ago (when my group term ended) I asked my friend is she wanted to try out a local play group with me.

She was a bit hesitant but decided to come along.

We sat at a table together and it wasn’t long before a few other mums came to join us.

There were 6 of us at our table and it was everyone’s first time at the group, all our children are similar ages.
We’ve been several more times and all sat together.

For the last two weeks I haven’t been as we have been on holiday. I got back from holiday last Friday afternoon.

On Saturday my friend posted a picture on her Facebook and it was of her and the other 4 mums from playgroup captioned “mums night out”.

I felt a bit disappointed that I had missed out and did wonder why I hadn’t been invited, but as i’d missed two weeks of playgroup I guessed they’d arranged it then.

I have been to the play group today and again our table was me, my friend and the 4 new mum friends.

One of them mentioned to me that I should come on the next night out and asked me to post my availability in the WhatsApp chat.

I didn’t know there was a WhatsApp chat..so this must’ve been set up when I wasn’t there.

I asked “new” friend to add me but she said my friend is admin and only she can do it.

I mentioned it to my friend and she said “oh sure, I’ll add you later” (why not now….?!)

I’ve since messaged her and asked if she can add me to the group chat as I’d love to make plans with the group.
She’s read the message, hasn’t replied and hasn’t added me to the group.

At first I didn’t think much of not being invited on the night out, but now I’m thinking…
It was on a Saturday, I had come home on the Friday, my friend knew I was coming home on the Friday, she’s the only one who has my number, why didn’t she invite me?!

I can’t help but feel a bit put out that my friend didn’t mention it to me at all.
Even if she thought I couldn’t make it, she could’ve still asked.

Now she seems to be avoiding adding me to a chat group. Why didn’t she add me when she set it up.

She’s never really had many other friends, I’ve always tried to include her in things I do with my other friends so I’m lost as to why she’s trying to exclude me from a group that we met together.

AIBU? Should I feel upset by this? Do I say something?

OP posts:

Moretodo · 09/10/2021 11:49

I agree with @Quire, there's no malice.

Possibly forgot to add you to the group. Maybe doesn't want you in the group. Fine either way.
I wouldn't ask again, if she has forgot, you will get an add at some point. If I wasn't wanted, I wouldn't want the add.

Keep it as it is, you all have the group to socialise at, great.

You have other options, focus on them and on creating more if that's what you feel you want.

Life is too short for this shit. Take it all lightly, go with the flow. No one owes anyone anything here.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 09/10/2021 11:51

But they started there together? Why should op have to miss out because her so called friend is trying to alienate her from social events with the rest of the group?!
She's no friend op. That's a really, really shitty thing to do.

I never said op should have to miss out, just offered an explanation as to what her friends thoughts may be, clearly its going to be awkward as fuck at this point, op has plenty of other friends and groups so I would just let this one slide, including the friendship with this woman.

@Saoirse82 if you want my attention by quoting my post then you may want to say something with a little more substance than that

GoodForTheSoul · 09/10/2021 12:06

If she's been your friend for so many years, why can't you just ask her directly next time you see her or call her?

billy1966 · 09/10/2021 12:15

Ask her one more time and then you need to ask her in front of the group to add you.

Say clearly I have asked you several times, can you just do it?

But also ask the other mums there and then for their numbers.
Have a piece of paper with you.

She is not your friend.
Be wary.

BurntO · 09/10/2021 12:18

She’s not your friend. She is threatened by you.

thepeopleversuswork · 09/10/2021 12:31

I would walk away from the whole group to be honest.

Life is too short for people who don’t value you and you should never compromise your dignity for friendship.

You have other friends. Cut them all loose

Redjumper1 · 09/10/2021 12:33

She has hit it off with them and doesn't want you included.

There could be a number of reasons for this.

She is jealous
She is insecure.
You dominate conversation and you being away gave her an opportunity to create friendships and she wants to continue them without your influence.

It's a guessing game really tbh. Push it more to try find out.

Mosaic123 · 09/10/2021 12:36

Did you go abroad for your holiday? Maybe she didn't want you to come on a night out due to possible Covid?

No reason not to add you now though.

ManifestingJoy · 09/10/2021 12:41

@Wilkolampshade

She's not your friend. Sorry.

I agree, she's actively trying to exclude you. If you want to socialise with these mums, ask one of the other ones to let you know the details as your ''friend'' hasn't added you to the group yet....................... That'll speak volumes. If you talk to your friend, don't get sad in your demeanour. Stay upbeat and say ''i feel like you're trying to exclude me, is that your intention1?!?!!?''' and she will probably deny it but if she says something like yeh but i met them first, say 'we're all running in the same mum circles and those women LIKE me.''

Guiltypleasures001 · 09/10/2021 12:47

I would have waited until my friend was back from holiday to arrange a girls night out and added her to group chat

Your mate is a shit sorry op

Quire · 09/10/2021 12:48

The melodramatic responses to this post go a long way towards explaining why so many people on Mn struggle with friendships.

There is no evidence the OP’s friend intentionally or maliciously omitted her from the night out that was planned while she was away for a fortnight and took place the night after she got back, when most people are still tired after a holiday with small children and up to their elbows in laundry and not thinking about a night out. The friend possibly doesn’t think there’s any big urgency about adding the OP to the WhatsApp as long as it’s done before the next night out plans, or next baby group meeting, because she almost certainly has no idea that the OP is regarding the whole thing as a soap opera drama of exclusion and power play because five other people planned something while she was on holiday.

Rogue1001 · 09/10/2021 12:57

@ABCeasyasdohrayme I want to join your friendship group!!!

Bonnytoon · 09/10/2021 13:00

I'm not a melodramatic person in the slightest but even I think this is a pretty long sequence of 'oversights' on her part.

You sound like you are able to make friends easily OP and I suspect she is behaving this way because one of the reasons @Redjumper1 listed.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 09/10/2021 13:07

If that were the case (no big deal) then why wouldn't the friend immediately add her with a cheery 'oh, fab, would love you to come next time' message then?

Quire · 09/10/2021 13:08

@Bonnytoon

I'm not a melodramatic person in the slightest but even I think this is a pretty long sequence of 'oversights' on her part.

You sound like you are able to make friends easily OP and I suspect she is behaving this way because one of the reasons @Redjumper1 listed.

How so? All she’s done is gone on a night out with mutual friends organised when the OP was overseas, and not yet added the OP to a WhatsApp group. The OP only asked her friend to add her yesterday! It’s not as if she’s spent weeks ‘forgetting’.

Veryverycalmnow · 09/10/2021 13:12

I was surprised as a new mum by how much certain friends grated, especially others with children. I think it must have been lack of sleep. I avoided a couple of friends because the way they talked about parenting and kids really got on my nerves. They stopped being annoying and I stopped being judgey/ grumpy/ sleep deprived and we're still friends. I feel bad now for even thinking that way, but you can't help it if you go off a friend for a bit... It might just be a short term thing- it's ok to have a break from a friend, but it's more complicated when there are mutual new friends. I'd speak to her in this case.

Ourlady · 09/10/2021 13:16

Ask her to add you to the group at the next session. If she puts it off again just say ok, I'll start a new group now where I am included and ask then immediately the others for their numbers.

GoodGrief100 · 09/10/2021 13:21

@Ourlady

Ask her to add you to the group at the next session. If she puts it off again just say ok, I'll start a new group now where I am included and ask then immediately the others for their numbers.

This is what I'd do. If you like these other mums take the control back and be proactive about engaging with them. I wouldn't be bothering too much with this 'friend' too much now either. If she ever asks, be honest with her.

GatoradeMeBitch · 09/10/2021 13:33

She’s never really had many other friends

And now you're seeing why.

If you're enjoying the group, tread carefully. Don't mention the whatsapp thing until you're at group again. then bring it up - "Oh, you still haven't added me? Do it now before you forget."

Original poster

bumblebeez1 · 09/10/2021 13:52

I still haven’t had a reply. I have seen her active on WhatsApp so I feel like she’s avoiding me now.

OP posts:

ManifestingJoy · 09/10/2021 14:19

Yes some people neeeeeeed to be in a group so badly that they try to secure their place in it by excluding somebody who is like them, like there isnt room for both.

Quire · 09/10/2021 14:23

@bumblebeez1

I still haven’t had a reply. I have seen her active on WhatsApp so I feel like she’s avoiding me now.

But you only asked her to add you to the group yesterday! It can easily take me days to respond to something non-urgent, especially at weekends when there’s a lot going on.

Bonnytoon · 09/10/2021 14:26

@Quire

She has asked her in person and then asked her again by text. If I had received that text message, after already being asked in person, I think it would be obvious to me that my friend was feeling left out. I think I'd be quick to add them to the group as it really takes no time at all to do this. This is just my opinion and I understand that personalities and friendship dynamics vary, but this behaviour from any friend of mine would strike me as a bit odd.

WomanStanleyWoman · 09/10/2021 14:29

Invite everyone else on a night out or an event. When your ‘friend’ kicks off, just say ‘Oh I’m so sorry; I completely forgot! Once you’ve added me to the WhatsApp group it’ll be much easier, as I won’t have to contact everyone individually’. She’ll get the message.

DrManhattan · 09/10/2021 14:30

If you were with a person and asked them to be added to a group, why would they not do it straight away?

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