Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To think my friend is trying to push me out …

88 replies

bumblebeez1 · 08/10/2021 14:31

My friend and I have been friends for 6 years.
We had our children at a similar time, they are 4 months apart.

We both returned to work at the start of the year and are both off on a Friday.

I have been going to several groups and have always asked my friend to come along but she didn’t fancy it.

A few weeks ago (when my group term ended) I asked my friend is she wanted to try out a local play group with me.

She was a bit hesitant but decided to come along.

We sat at a table together and it wasn’t long before a few other mums came to join us.

There were 6 of us at our table and it was everyone’s first time at the group, all our children are similar ages.
We’ve been several more times and all sat together.

For the last two weeks I haven’t been as we have been on holiday. I got back from holiday last Friday afternoon.

On Saturday my friend posted a picture on her Facebook and it was of her and the other 4 mums from playgroup captioned “mums night out”.

I felt a bit disappointed that I had missed out and did wonder why I hadn’t been invited, but as i’d missed two weeks of playgroup I guessed they’d arranged it then.

I have been to the play group today and again our table was me, my friend and the 4 new mum friends.

One of them mentioned to me that I should come on the next night out and asked me to post my availability in the WhatsApp chat.

I didn’t know there was a WhatsApp chat..so this must’ve been set up when I wasn’t there.

I asked “new” friend to add me but she said my friend is admin and only she can do it.

I mentioned it to my friend and she said “oh sure, I’ll add you later” (why not now….?!)

I’ve since messaged her and asked if she can add me to the group chat as I’d love to make plans with the group.
She’s read the message, hasn’t replied and hasn’t added me to the group.

At first I didn’t think much of not being invited on the night out, but now I’m thinking…
It was on a Saturday, I had come home on the Friday, my friend knew I was coming home on the Friday, she’s the only one who has my number, why didn’t she invite me?!

I can’t help but feel a bit put out that my friend didn’t mention it to me at all.
Even if she thought I couldn’t make it, she could’ve still asked.

Now she seems to be avoiding adding me to a chat group. Why didn’t she add me when she set it up.

She’s never really had many other friends, I’ve always tried to include her in things I do with my other friends so I’m lost as to why she’s trying to exclude me from a group that we met together.

AIBU? Should I feel upset by this? Do I say something?

OP posts:

YouTubeAddict · 09/10/2021 14:30

I had an ex-friend like that.

Lotsalotsagiggles · 09/10/2021 14:30

Did she meet some of the others through Nct or know them previously? Or attended other Rhonda while you were doing the other group?

If she's posted on Facebook I'd reply, saying can't wait to join the next one

Or ask her outright

She may feel you have a lot of friends and she just wants her own separate friends maybe

Quire · 09/10/2021 14:33

[quote Bonnytoon]@Quire

She has asked her in person and then asked her again by text. If I had received that text message, after already being asked in person, I think it would be obvious to me that my friend was feeling left out. I think I'd be quick to add them to the group as it really takes no time at all to do this. This is just my opinion and I understand that personalities and friendship dynamics vary, but this behaviour from any friend of mine would strike me as a bit odd.[/quote]
But the drama is in the OP’s head. For all we know, the friend has just thought ‘Damn, forgot to add @bumblebeez1! Will do it in a minute and reply when I’ve done it so I can say so’ and then got distracted by something else.

Mamette · 09/10/2021 14:38

@Guiltypleasures001

I would have waited until my friend was back from holiday to arrange a girls night out and added her to group chat

Your mate is a shit sorry op

Agree. I hate the 45 000 messages that usually have to precede a meet-up, making sure it’s a date that everyone is free, but that’s the way it goes in my circles. She didn’t even tell you about it… weird.

WomanStanleyWoman · 09/10/2021 14:45

But you only asked her to add you to the group yesterday! It can easily take me days to respond to something non-urgent, especially at weekends when there’s a lot going on.

I don’t know why so many Mumsnetters say things like this as if it’s a badge of honour, rather than laziness or disorganisation.

Quire · 09/10/2021 14:48

@WomanStanleyWoman

But you only asked her to add you to the group yesterday! It can easily take me days to respond to something non-urgent, especially at weekends when there’s a lot going on.

I don’t know why so many Mumsnetters say things like this as if it’s a badge of honour, rather than laziness or disorganisation.

Because there’s a weird view on Mn that it’s incredibly rude not to reply instantly to the most vacuous or unimportant text message, and those people seem to sit about festering over how they can see the miscreant was on WhatsApp at 5.02 but hasn’t replied.

Onlinedilema · 09/10/2021 14:49

I'd ask her in front of everyone on Friday get your phone out and wait for her response.
If she doesn't add you there and then, ask the others for their numbers and set up your own WhatsApp group.

QueenBee52 · 09/10/2021 14:52

@Wilkolampshade

She's not your friend. Sorry.

yip 🌸

HermioneKipper · 09/10/2021 15:10

She’s no friend OP. She’s clearly trying to leave you out of this group. What a cow. I wouldn’t back down, make sure she adds you to the group.

Why should you miss out when it was your idea to go to the group in the first place.

WomanStanleyWoman · 09/10/2021 15:15

But the OP was literally sitting with this friend when she asked her to add her. It’s not like the friend was doing something else incredibly important and the OP hadn’t realised. Why not push three buttons and do it there and then?

Thatsplentyjack · 09/10/2021 15:20

What a fucking turd she sounds. Can't believe there are people on here trying to excuse that behavior.

Thatsplentyjack · 09/10/2021 15:23

But the drama is in the OP’s head. For all we know, the friend has just thought ‘Damn, forgot to add@bumblebeez1! Will do it in a minute and reply when I’ve done it so I can say so’ and then got distracted by something else.

Hmm no, probably not.

Thatsplentyjack · 09/10/2021 15:26

She is purposely leaving the OP out and anyone that can't see that has to be a bit dim, and anyone that would do the things the OP's "friends" is doing (wether on purpose, or not) would be a complete dick.

Quire · 09/10/2021 15:52

@Thatsplentyjack

Or is simply not insecure enough to feel ‘pushed out’ by a group having the temerity to organise a night out while she was on holidays and not add her to a WhatsApp immediately?

It must be absolutely exhausting living in some of your heads if you genuinely see malice and ill intent in every act that doesn’t centre you.

Beautiful3 · 09/10/2021 15:53

What's she's doing isn't nice. I would tell her that she's upset you because she's excluding you from the group.

GetDrunkWithMe · 09/10/2021 15:58

Simple. Go to the group on Friday.
"Can I have your numbers? I'd like to arrange something with guys, I did ask Karen but she must of forgot."

YouokHun · 09/10/2021 16:11

Do you need to be on the WhatsApp to socialise with these women if you want to? I would circumnavigate the WhatsApp thing and when you’re next at the group face to face actively arrange a meet up with them in front of your friend and include her. Say pointedly but lightly that you’re doing it face to face as you haven’t been added to the WhatsApp. Even if you just arrange a quick coffee it will send a message to her that she can’t ring-fence friends like an eight year old.

It sounds like she’s insecure. Some people seem to have this strange confusion between friendship and possession. I introduced a really good friend to another really good friend and they often meet up without me; one of my colleagues was aghast at this, as if I should be somehow ring-fencing friends or there’s some sort of rule that I own the rights to certain friends. I guess it’s the reason why I don’t really like getting too fixed on one group of friends. So I do think that as you have other friends your energy should be spent there. Perhaps her friendships are so limited because she can’t be straightforward? I’d call it out but take a bit of a step back from efforts to include her

YouokHun · 09/10/2021 16:22

When I say call it out I don’t mean aggressively, just in a friendly but definite manner. There’s obviously no need to fall out about what could be a misunderstanding and might be easily rectifiable.

Ginger1982 · 09/10/2021 16:39

I would call her out on this, ask her to add you and if she doesn't want to, say you'll just get the numbers from the others next time you see them.

Figgygal · 09/10/2021 16:43

Raise it in front of everyone next time you go to group
Your friend is being really weird

Thatsplentyjack · 09/10/2021 17:22

It must be absolutely exhausting living in some of your heads if you genuinely see malice and ill intent in every act that doesn’t centre you.

Have you been living under a rock your whole life?
The OP was the one that encouraged her friend to go to the group. The friend set up a WhatsApp group and didn't include her and then arranged a night out without even mentioning to the OP never mind waiting until she could come, and now won't add her to the group. Either you have never spent time around people or you're being disingenuous, or maybe you are one of these types of people that leave one person out, and make them feel like shit?

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 09/10/2021 17:57

It does seem as if she doesn't want to add you.

Is there any reason why it wouldn't work for you to be in the group?

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 09/10/2021 18:18

Your “friend” is a sly bitch. This thread does make me realise quite how much power the admin of a WA group holds though. It’s a shame there’s not a feature for others in the group to also add people.

CharlotteRose90 · 09/10/2021 18:31

Woah I’ve been there. I’m thinking perhaps it’s not just your friend that’s pushing you out and partly the groups idea too. Sorry but Maybe the person that mentioned you going felt awkward so was being friendly.

Do you tend to be laid back or the organised one in groups? I know in my group of friends we had to push someone out as she was always taking control and never took no for an answer.

billy1966 · 09/10/2021 19:48

I'm admin for a large group and it doesn't take 30 seconds to add someone.

If she hasn't added you by the next meet up make sure you ask them for their numbers either way.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread