To lie to get out of helping my DP?

[SoTiredButGrateful]

My parents split when I was a teen and are divorced.

I am a single parent of a 7yo DC who has some medical needs. I have residency and that means I do 100% of everything, DC goes to their dad EOW but I do all appointments, all school stuff, all parties and playdates. Everything to do with actual parenting is 100% my problem. Unless it’s fun or makes him look good ExH does nothing – DC is badly behaved it’s my fault, they get a certificate at school or their out of school activities or they get praised in the shop for being polite it’s all down to ExH and nothing to do with me (he’s even told me before now that I should step aside and let him and his mum or whichever girl he’s got on the go at the time go to all sports days and school plays because he doesn’t see them much).

I also work 25 hours a week.

One of my DPs is also very demanding of my time. Any phonecall they need to make, they ask me to do it, any bit of DIY they ask me, any shopping they send me the money and I have to do it.

I don’t sleep. I have PTSD and some nights I just can’t sleep. I am exhausted. I need to rest. I sleep better when my brain has chance to rest and there’s not too many pressures on my time.

DP is perfectly capable of doing all the things they ask me to do – they’re early 60s but fit and healthy with no medical problems they just won’t. If I refuse they tell me I’m selfish as I only work part time. If I refuse and don’t do it then they will leave bills unpaid if it involves a phonecall, have gone days without food as they refuse to set foot in a shop, DIY goes left undone.

This is nothing to do with covid, it’s always been the way, since I split with ExH when my DC was a toddler.

And I am done. I just want to have my days off for myself, cook my DC a nice meal or be able to take them to an out of school activity without a text or email from my DP demanding I go over right this second as they have a phonecall that “can’t wait”.

My other DP is pretty independent (and slightly older) happy to see me when I am free and will help me occasionally doing school runs or cooking me meals on my working days so I can focus on spending a bit of time with my DC before they go to sleep.

My friends thinks I should tell awkward DP that I am going up to full time working and will be unavailable to help them and it’s very tempting but I’m worried I’ll regret it when DP gets older and needs that help.

So WIBU to lie?

Vote;
YABU - Don't lie
YANBU - Lie and enjoy the extra time

Don't lie, just give awkward DP the push, they are clearly not adding anything to your life.

I don't really understand your reference to multiple DPs anyway, given that at most these people seem to be casual boyfriends/girlfriends.

Aah you mean your parents, I was confused for a good while as DP is more commonly used for partners!

YANBU. Not sure whether the best thing to do is lie or simply tell them the truth, but either way YANBU to stop doing all these things for them. They are running you ragged for no good reason, they are more than capable.

Don't lie but tell them you won't be doing it anymore and then don't.

Don't lie, but work on being able to say no. Your DP created a dynamic where you care for them, and that is unnecessary and unkind. I know it's hard to get out of, but ultimately it's the best way.

I'm busy today
That doesn't work for me
I'm really pushed for time right now if you could do it yourself this time

On repeat no need to lie just be less available mute there text messages deal with it when you can

I don’t see why you should have to lie, plus instinct tells me they will still be demanding. Laying out some boundaries is the best way to go. They obviously won’t like this and will be resistive but stick to them. They need to do things for them self and not try to delegate things to you

Why on earth at 60 can't they make phone calls or do shopping?

Just say no. Embellish it a bit if you want. "Sorry I'm busy", should be enough. Otherwise you're everybody's doormat.

Your parents are presumably divorced?

And probably one of the reasons they’re divorced is that they’re an unreasonable arse who has significant issues?

Leaving bills unpaid and starving yourself unless someone else sorts it all for you is clearly a mental health issue in an otherwise healthy and capable adult.

Stop doing their bidding. Just stop.

Your life sounds so busy - is it really worth continuing with such a draining partner, particularly when you have another partner to think of as well as yourself and your child and work?!

Not saying you should not do poly but really don’t partnerships only work if they are adding as much or more to your life as they are taking? Why continue with a partner who clearly doesn’t respect your free time and wants you to mummy them?

Don’t lie, stand up for yourself and say no

Your parent is abusive. You don't have any need to be loyal to an abuser.

Sorry you're dealing with this

Tell them straight - no lying-

DP, I can’t do everything you want me to. I’m exhausted. I can only come round on X day/s.

Choose the boundary that suits you - Wednesday evenings, or every other Saturday with the DC (not on your free weekends), or whatever works best, then stick to it. Every time something is urgent say ‘I’ll be over on Weds’ and repeat repeat repeat.

@NoSquirrels

Your parents are presumably divorced?

And probably one of the reasons they’re divorced is that they’re an unreasonable arse who has significant issues?

Leaving bills unpaid and starving yourself unless someone else sorts it all for you is clearly a mental health issue in an otherwise healthy and capable adult.

Stop doing their bidding. Just stop.

Yes parents are divorced. No idea why, my other parent isn't completely innocent I don't think but awkward parent hasn''t helped and definitely played a part.

@MaeD

Your life sounds so busy - is it really worth continuing with such a draining partner, particularly when you have another partner to think of as well as yourself and your child and work?!

Not saying you should not do poly but really don’t partnerships only work if they are adding as much or more to your life as they are taking? Why continue with a partner who clearly doesn’t respect your free time and wants you to mummy them?

Not a partner, I'm single. One of my parents.

haha oh dear i’m sorry - you are talking about your parents! I totally misunderstood! I still think you need to tell them no though.

X-post! Sorry OP, total comprehension failure on my part.

I doubt upping your hours - either as a lie or actually - is going to make the slightest bit if difference to the parent who thinks you have nothing to do.

You need to break the habit. Maybe visit them for 2hours on a Friday for example and say you have a busy week and is there anything else they need doing this week as you won't be able to come back... and mean it. Then when they call say sorry I told you I have a busy week and I'll see you on Friday I'll sort it then if you haven't managed it. Don't get dragged in just keep repeating. The parent with either find another mug or actually do it themselves!

If they are late paying bills etc then their credit will already be messed up so don't worry about that. And they will have food in - just maybe not what they currently fancy - but they are choosing to starve.

The way their are going you are going to end up as their carer in the next 5 years not in 15-20years time when life will be different and the calls on your time very different - and you might choose to help more.

Does this early 60s parent not work? Why do they need to pay bills over the phone? Why don’t you help them set up direct debits? Do they have some undiagnosed mental health issue if they can’t shop for food. If so what about setting up an online shop. I would leave them to it and let them face the consequences.

Don’t lie about something that big it will unravel.
Set up direct debits for the parent so they can’t miss bills. Be less available and tell them to make phone calls themselves. A grandparent became like that with me and started calling me their PA… I’ve stepped back a bit and they now make the phone calls themselves or at least try first. Can you set up online shopping for them?

@TheLadySif

Does this early 60s parent not work? Why do they need to pay bills over the phone? Why don’t you help them set up direct debits? Do they have some undiagnosed mental health issue if they can’t shop for food. If so what about setting up an online shop. I would leave them to it and let them face the consequences.

No they retired about 10 years ago. They don't use the internet or have online banking, and refuse to go into a branch of the bank so can't set up DDs, they refuse to call the bank to do it. So all bills are paid over the phone. I'm still surprised they have an actual bank card although I'm not sure they had a choice in that.

They literally will not do anything for themselves except use the toilet and cook.

My very elderly grandparent (90+ year old) on the other side of my family does more for themself than this parent.

Don't lie - just say no. 60 is no age at all, they are perfectly capable. It's not your job to parent your parent.

The whole 'going without food thing' is manipulation designed to make sure you do their bidding. I'm sure they'd manage to feed themselves when they got hungry enough.

Have you maybe considered some therapy or counselling to help you redraw your boundaries? Your actual child needs you to be the best parent you can be to them - you can't be that if you have no time to yourself and aren't coping.

I wouldn't lie, partly because it's another thing for you to keep track of and stress about and partly because I don't think it would make any difference. Your parent is using your working part time as a current convenient excuse to be demanding, it's not the actual reason they're relying on you so heavily. If it wasn't that excuse it would be something else and you'd be "selfish" for not doing as they wish for some other reason they pluck from the air.

I'm afraid the only solution is likely to be a flat 'no'. I like another PP's suggestion of instituting a fixed day of the week to visit and sticking to it firmly. Bills may well not get paid. DIY may not be done. Phonecalls may go unmade. That. Is. Not. Your. Responsibility.

Either your parent will grudgingly start doing these things for themselves sooner or later when they realise you won't, or they won't. Either way, you are not responsible. If they don't, they will find themselves in quite a lot of personal difficulty. That is not your responsibility and won't be your doing either. Your parent is a fully grown adult and needs to take personal responsibility for their own life. What you've outlined is ridiculous.

I wouldn’t lie, as it’s bound to be found out at some point, but I’d be cutting right back on what I was doing for them. I would be very clear on what I was and was not willing to do, and stick to it like glue. Your parent is asking far too much of you and they are being completely unreasonable in their expectations.

They literally will not do anything for themselves except use the toilet and cook.

This does not mean YOU need to do it for them.

You are not responsible for them.