To lie to get out of helping my DP?

[SoTiredButGrateful]

My parents split when I was a teen and are divorced.

I am a single parent of a 7yo DC who has some medical needs. I have residency and that means I do 100% of everything, DC goes to their dad EOW but I do all appointments, all school stuff, all parties and playdates. Everything to do with actual parenting is 100% my problem. Unless it’s fun or makes him look good ExH does nothing – DC is badly behaved it’s my fault, they get a certificate at school or their out of school activities or they get praised in the shop for being polite it’s all down to ExH and nothing to do with me (he’s even told me before now that I should step aside and let him and his mum or whichever girl he’s got on the go at the time go to all sports days and school plays because he doesn’t see them much).

I also work 25 hours a week.

One of my DPs is also very demanding of my time. Any phonecall they need to make, they ask me to do it, any bit of DIY they ask me, any shopping they send me the money and I have to do it.

I don’t sleep. I have PTSD and some nights I just can’t sleep. I am exhausted. I need to rest. I sleep better when my brain has chance to rest and there’s not too many pressures on my time.

DP is perfectly capable of doing all the things they ask me to do – they’re early 60s but fit and healthy with no medical problems they just won’t. If I refuse they tell me I’m selfish as I only work part time. If I refuse and don’t do it then they will leave bills unpaid if it involves a phonecall, have gone days without food as they refuse to set foot in a shop, DIY goes left undone.

This is nothing to do with covid, it’s always been the way, since I split with ExH when my DC was a toddler.

And I am done. I just want to have my days off for myself, cook my DC a nice meal or be able to take them to an out of school activity without a text or email from my DP demanding I go over right this second as they have a phonecall that “can’t wait”.

My other DP is pretty independent (and slightly older) happy to see me when I am free and will help me occasionally doing school runs or cooking me meals on my working days so I can focus on spending a bit of time with my DC before they go to sleep.

My friends thinks I should tell awkward DP that I am going up to full time working and will be unavailable to help them and it’s very tempting but I’m worried I’ll regret it when DP gets older and needs that help.

So WIBU to lie?

Vote;
YABU - Don't lie
YANBU - Lie and enjoy the extra time

@2Two

Don't lie, just give awkward DP the push, they are clearly not adding anything to your life.

I don't really understand your reference to multiple DPs anyway, given that at most these people seem to be casual boyfriends/girlfriends.

I assume the OP using DP to refer to "dear parents" (or darling parents. I don't actually know what the D stands for!!)

But yep it is confusing.

They don't use the internet or have online banking, and refuse to go into a branch of the bank so can't set up DDs They can set up DDs by letter. The full process would be write to, eg, gas supplier "I'd like to pay my bills by DD, I don't have internet, please can you send me the necessary form", fill in form, send it back - I think it goes back to supplier not bank. But they won't like that the supplier can change the direct debit, and they won't like the supplier having their bank details.

They don't need to pay bills over the phone, they can put a cheque into the post.

60 is no age at all, they are perfectly capable Not necessarily, capacity doesn't go by age. We're not all capable at 60, not do we all become incapable at 85. But even if they're not capable, it's not OP's problem.

If I refuse they tell me I’m selfish as I only work part time.

Answer: you’re retired and have no kids that need running around after, YOURE being selfish expecting me to neglect them, or myself to do something you could do, but cba to do because you want me as your lackey.

Enough. No. I’m very busy, stressed out and exhausted, utterly on my knees exhausted. You should be asking me how YOU can help ME, given all the free time and energy you’ve got.

Don't lie but do stop doing and encouraging some self responsibility. Point out that it is not your fault if they choose a course of action.

No point in lying, I think you need to set them straight that they are perfectly capable of doing these things for themselves and that you are too busy raising your child to do it for them. They have a lot more spare time than you.

If they fall out with you, that is on them and not you. I don't think you should be worried about upsetting them, as they are very selfish.

@KILM exactly, at their age l will still have nearly a decade of full time work to do

I think I would show them how to do these things for themselves, and then leave them to it. They cannot just refuse to do things and expect someone else to do it. How on earth did they cope before you did it all?!
I think you need to be firm but calm and tell them you have a lot more to do than they realise, but either way it is not your responsibility to be doing all of this for them, even if you were at home doing nothing. They wont like it but they will get used to it.
Some people get stuck thinking theyre older and less capable than they are, and need a shove to realise that they are much more capable than they think. With decent health they should live another 20-30 years!

@Branleuse

If you refuse to do it and the bills arent paid and they refuse to eat, what will they do then? You dont actually have the resources to be your parents unpaid PA. Maybe they should get someone in once a day to do these things for them. Do they need a social services assesment?

You cant get blood out of a stone. You cant pour from an empty cup. All these clichés are well known because theyre true. You need to look after yourself. Its one thing to help someone out. Its another thing entirely to enable their dependence on you. Its not good for you and its not good for them ultimately. Say no,

this exactly, they will eat they will manage they did before you became their skivvy

DP is perfectly capable of doing all the things they ask me to do – they’re early 60s but fit and healthy with no medical problems they just won’t. If I refuse they tell me I’m selfish as I only work part time. If I refuse and don’t do it then they will leave bills unpaid if it involves a phonecall, have gone days without food as they refuse to set foot in a shop, DIY goes left undone.

Do not lie!!!
There is a much better alternative, & posting here shows that you are
ready to put the work in to achieve it.

You need a radical reframe of how you look at your parent's behaviour.

You are NOT selfish & do not "only work part time" as you are also a full time solo parent to a young child with medical needs.
THAT is your priority, as is shoehorning in enough rest for you own basic needs, especially given the PTSD & insomnia.

The reframing you need to do is to stop responding - & actually stop "caring", at least ostensibly - about the consequences of your able-bodied, functional parent's refusal to pay bills, buy food, or do DIY.

Take a step back from this refusal & look at it for what it is.
It's not inability - it's CONTROL. The parent is telling you that if you don't put your own needs on hold & rush to assist them, they will have to starve! not pay bills! - it's utter rubbish.

It's the same manipulation used by toddlers who don't want to walk down the street with you. "I'll just sit in a puddle howling with misery because NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE MADE ME DO" - or the old Jewish-mother joke "oh don't worry about me, I'll just sit here on the uncomfy char in the dark" ...

It's exactly the same with the calling you selfish.
Just designed to call you to heel.
The only way to counter it is to not "care" (you will, & initially it will feel hard, but stick at it!), & not respond. Refuse to attend. Tell the parent they are perfectly capable of paying a bill & going shopping.
Let them call you selfish - not true, & not your problem.
Let them run out of food - not your problem.
Let them suffer the inconvenience consequences of not paying bills - not your problem.

And when they ramp up the demands - because you will get pushback, & an extinction burst youarenotsosmart.com/2010/07/07/extinction-burst/ - ensure you are prepared with calm, unmovable statements that show you will no longer be manipulated & controlled by them. Tantrums won't work, name-calling won't work, & 'strategic incompetence' won't work.

"DP, I have my own home to run, my own shopping to do, a job & a child to look after. I'm not doing your jobs as well."

You have to absolutely mean this.
You might find, though, that the hardest part of it is getting your own head around saying NO, & actually believing in your own right to stop being your parent's unpaid skivvy. Once you have that nailed, you will find that the selfish demands dwindle.
Your parent cannot MAKE you skivvy for them - you have been allowing it to happen, most likely through the complicated & mindbending power of family FOG - outofthefog.website/what-to-do-1

Your own willpower & determination not to be used is the key here.
Make the changes, & don't lie - "the truth will set you free"!

Why do you accept that you have to do ordinary tasks for them OP? At their age, and if they have no medical or severe mental health problems, there is no earthly reason why they don't do stuff themselves. Don't lie to them, but tell them straight that you are not going to be available to do every little thing for them from now on. In the case of the parent who does not make phone calls, there may possibly be a psychological problem. In which case, arrange with their permission, some help from GP or therapist, and then back off. Draw a firm line so they know where they are, and then keep yourself behind it. Don't let the boundaries get blurred. They will try it on at first, but get used to it. If you don't back off now while they are relatively young, what will it be like for you when they are in their 90s?

Don't lie. Just don't do it.

Same position as you OP. I refuse now told them they're more than capable of doing it themselves they just choose not to due to laziness.
Guess what? They're doing it on their own now!

I can’t believe now deliberately incompetent some people seem to want to be. They retires in their early 50s?! I will be lucky to retire at 68 and will still be teaching classes of 30 five year olds.

Let’s hope I can still manage to pay my bills online on my own

ChargingBuck
Brilliant advice.

YABU to lie. Tell them the truth. They’re fit and well with time on their hands, you’re not. If they want help, they can pay a handyman or go to the CAB for assistance with other matters/phone calls.

If they need help when they’re elderly or infirm, that’s a different matter (though still not your responsibility).

Great advice on this thread. I think if they pull the 'I haven't eaten since X day because you haven't shopped/they are threatening to cut off my electricity' you could perhaps say 'oh dear, perhaps I'd better call social services and get a care assessment sorted?' Either they will magically find their capabilities or, if this is a serious MH issue, some help (that isn't you) could be put in motion.

I would not lie, but I would say you work part time because you have a disabled child who needs your help

The parent is old enough to do stuff themselves. I would offer to do a phone call with them to show how banking is done and then leave them to it

If bills don’t get paid that is not your issue, if they don’t eat, that is not your issue, they are choices your parents has made

I suppose it depends on what you think lying that you're working full time will accomplish. If it's easier on you (i.e. reduces your mental load, doesn't make you feel guilty, maintains a civil relationship with your parent, simply benefits you in some way) to just say that then as an interim measure I personally would do it.

Long term it may not fix the issues which seem to be that one of our parents wants to control you and have a personal skivvy- you may find they ramp up their behaviours to guilt you further. If it buys you the space to readdress the balance of power in the short term though I would certainly do it.

Not sure if it's something available in your area but there's lots of alternative ways of finding support available starting near me- for example something called "the life rooms" where social prescribing link workers help people to take control of aspects of their lives. You can self refer here. Sounds like your parent could do with something like that to encourage them to start living their own life rather than controlling yours. X

I said not to lie, but it is absolutely important you stop this cycle - just tell them that you can offer them some time to help on such a day at such a time, but not at others due to other commitments. They are being complete CFs to ask you to do things they can do themselves.

Thank you @HyacynthBucket

OP - depending on how "up for it" you feel, one way of making your parent appreciate how unreasonable they are being is to play them at their own game.

Next time they ring to tell you to do their food shopping -
"oh, I was just about to call you, I'm really busy & need you to do my supermarket run this week"

to tell you to pay a bill -
"oh I was just about to call you, I'm really busy & need you to pay my council tax for me" (obviously you don't, but you see where I'm going with this? - just shoving their ridiculousness back at them)

to tell you how selfish you are because you 'only work part time' so should be their skivvy -
"oh I was just about to ring you - you are retired, so have plenty of free time, can you come & unblock my drains for me?"

This tactic would also help you with the reframing things in your own mind, that I referred to upthread.

Onward & upward OP - let "implacable" be your new watchword!

I have voted YABU.
I don’t think you are BU to refuse to help your dp all the time. In fact, I think you should withdraw much of your help to dp, for things that they could and should be doing themselves. However, I do think YABVU to lie about it!

I don't think you should lie. Mostly because, although it seems like the easiest & least stressful option, that's only for the short term. Your parent is only in their 60s, they could live for many more years. Do you really have the mental & physical strength to keep a lie going that long? It's stressful. Constantly watching what you say in case you make a mistake, worrying that your parent will find out, worrying what they will say/do when they DO find out? That sounds exhausting, especially when you're already dealing with a lot.
My advice, which is a lot harder & scarier in the short term is to say "No. DP you are perfectly capable of sorting these things out for yourself, I already have a child and they are my priority, not caring for a fully capable adult." Yes in the short term that sounds really scary & stressful but the long term benefits, especially as you learn to detach and not care so much will be worth it.

How do they send you money for shopping if they don't do online banking? Send it back to them.

Fucking hell OP. Only early 60's!
Don't lie.
Just don't do it any more. I assure you, they will figure out a way to feed themselves.

Well I’m early 60s -
I came out of retirement to work 12 hour shifts for the nhs (covid related)
I do on-line banking
I do on-line shopping
I help out as a volunteer
I held my dd with pet care duties
Your dp is taking the piss, honestly. You have enough on your plate with work and a dc.
Just tell them enough is enough! They’re just lazy
.

@LittleOwl153

I doubt upping your hours - either as a lie or actually - is going to make the slightest bit if difference to the parent who thinks you have nothing to do.

You need to break the habit. Maybe visit them for 2hours on a Friday for example and say you have a busy week and is there anything else they need doing this week as you won't be able to come back... and mean it. Then when they call say sorry I told you I have a busy week and I'll see you on Friday I'll sort it then if you haven't managed it. Don't get dragged in just keep repeating. The parent with either find another mug or actually do it themselves!

If they are late paying bills etc then their credit will already be messed up so don't worry about that. And they will have food in - just maybe not what they currently fancy - but they are choosing to starve.

The way their are going you are going to end up as their carer in the next 5 years not in 15-20years time when life will be different and the calls on your time very different - and you might choose to help more.

I like this idea. That way you know it's just for this amount of time on this day, whichever day you choose, and you get your rest time, and you can say no without worrying they will starve themselves etc. They are being utterly ridiculous though. I don't know know what happens to some people as they get older, with their inability to do simple things. My fil was the same, and it just got worse. But he had other issues, so not the same as your parent.