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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To lie to get out of helping my DP?

77 replies

SoTiredButGrateful · 08/10/2021 09:55

My parents split when I was a teen and are divorced.

I am a single parent of a 7yo DC who has some medical needs. I have residency and that means I do 100% of everything, DC goes to their dad EOW but I do all appointments, all school stuff, all parties and playdates. Everything to do with actual parenting is 100% my problem. Unless it’s fun or makes him look good ExH does nothing – DC is badly behaved it’s my fault, they get a certificate at school or their out of school activities or they get praised in the shop for being polite it’s all down to ExH and nothing to do with me (he’s even told me before now that I should step aside and let him and his mum or whichever girl he’s got on the go at the time go to all sports days and school plays because he doesn’t see them much).

I also work 25 hours a week.

One of my DPs is also very demanding of my time. Any phonecall they need to make, they ask me to do it, any bit of DIY they ask me, any shopping they send me the money and I have to do it.

I don’t sleep. I have PTSD and some nights I just can’t sleep. I am exhausted. I need to rest. I sleep better when my brain has chance to rest and there’s not too many pressures on my time.

DP is perfectly capable of doing all the things they ask me to do – they’re early 60s but fit and healthy with no medical problems they just won’t. If I refuse they tell me I’m selfish as I only work part time. If I refuse and don’t do it then they will leave bills unpaid if it involves a phonecall, have gone days without food as they refuse to set foot in a shop, DIY goes left undone.

This is nothing to do with covid, it’s always been the way, since I split with ExH when my DC was a toddler.

And I am done. I just want to have my days off for myself, cook my DC a nice meal or be able to take them to an out of school activity without a text or email from my DP demanding I go over right this second as they have a phonecall that “can’t wait”.

My other DP is pretty independent (and slightly older) happy to see me when I am free and will help me occasionally doing school runs or cooking me meals on my working days so I can focus on spending a bit of time with my DC before they go to sleep.

My friends thinks I should tell awkward DP that I am going up to full time working and will be unavailable to help them and it’s very tempting but I’m worried I’ll regret it when DP gets older and needs that help.

So WIBU to lie?

Vote;
YABU - Don't lie
YANBU - Lie and enjoy the extra time

OP posts:

godmum56 · 08/10/2021 10:40

Don't lie, if its things they can do for themselves, just use the mumsnet staples...that's not going to work for me, and so on. If they are choosing not to get the bills paid and the shopping done, its their choice. you don't HAVE to do these things and TBH this person has got you on a piece of string!

Grellbunt · 08/10/2021 10:41

You're enabling them

Read up on boundaries

if they never actually starve they never face the natural consequences of their actions / inaction (=laziness, really)

Gardenlass · 08/10/2021 10:41

There is no reason why your parents need you to run their lives for them,unless they have special needs which makes it impossible for them. You have enough on with your own job and child.
Tell them to set up online shopping. The bills? They either pay them or they finish up with no electricity, and in court for non payment of council tax, etc.
For DIY jobs, give them a list of local joiners, decorators, etc.

Therealjudgejudy · 08/10/2021 10:44

You are enabling this ridiculous situation. Grow a backbone and set boundaries. You will be so much happier for it.

KILM · 08/10/2021 10:45

This sounds really tough OP.
Just out of interest, have you ever explicitly pointed out to them that they are not at an age where they need help with these things - have you ever specifically said 'xxx relative is 90 and does x y z, why is it you think you are too old to do these things yourself,most people are still in work at your age?'

Arabelladrinkstea · 08/10/2021 10:48

You’re enabling this behaviour and this reaffirming they are correct and ok to behave this way.
Only you can stop this.
Sorry they’ve done this to you. It’s a form of abuse.

Lollypop701 · 08/10/2021 10:49

You either back off now, whilst they can do it, or you will be doing it forever… it will only get worse. You will never get any time… as your child gets less demanding they will get more. Your choice… they are an adult. If it is a mental health problem thdd we n the sooner they get the right support (which isn’t you!) the better. You have replaced their partner, who left as they didn’t want to be a bloody caree to an adult who just wants to absolve themselves of life responsibility

Lollypop701 · 08/10/2021 10:50

Hopefully you can understand that… on phone!

fruitbrewhaha · 08/10/2021 10:51

Good grief. No don't lie, just tell them they need to sort themselves out. It's quite ridiculous. If they cannot then they need to see their gp and get a referral for what ever it is that makes them a pain in the arse.

Zebracat · 08/10/2021 10:54

I think they should be helping you. It is very difficult, but I think you need to encourage a bit of quid pro-quo, so if you deal with their finances, they batch cook, or they care for your child while you shop, and if they won’t, ask why not. Dependency of this kind is a mindset. I wouldn’t mind doing a bit of DIY if it got my ironing done, but I couldn’t be doing with being put in your position. It may be that you need to let them know how stressed you are, but if they already know and minimalist, I would just put firm boundaries in place and let them crack on.

HollowTalk · 08/10/2021 10:57

Yes, tell them you're working full time with a lot of overtime.

They are still young enough to do everything for themselves. Is it your dad who's so demanding?

Knittedfairies · 08/10/2021 10:57

Just stop. You could have another 30 years of doing it. Thirty years...

TakeYourFinalPosition · 08/10/2021 10:58

@TheLadySif

Does this early 60s parent not work? Why do they need to pay bills over the phone? Why don’t you help them set up direct debits? Do they have some undiagnosed mental health issue if they can’t shop for food. If so what about setting up an online shop. I would leave them to it and let them face the consequences.

My in-laws are in their late 60s and early 70s and retired years ago... it does seem to have made them older, to a certain extent. They go in to the phone shop in person to pay their phone bills; they don't do online banking, they don't trust direct debits. They get DH or his cousins to order online if they HAVE to, but they'd be more likely to trek around for days to choose things themselves first.

They do do their own food shopping, thankfully!

But sympathies, OP

weaselwords · 08/10/2021 11:05

Has this parent got severe mental health issues? If so, could you start to set up other support as you withdraw?

Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2021 11:10

@Therealjudgejudy

You are enabling this ridiculous situation. Grow a backbone and set boundaries. You will be so much happier for it.

Exactly what I was going to say. It's not that they can't do things for themselves, they just refuse and you're enabling it. Stop this nonsense right now, and if that means you need to go very low contact, so be it. Stop being such a bloody doormat.

RandomMess · 08/10/2021 11:12

You need to get some boundaries and fast!

"Just say no"

If they have a tantrum and cut you off/sulk/stop speaking to you imagine the peace!!

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 08/10/2021 11:16

@aSofaNearYou

Aah you mean your parents, I was confused for a good while as DP is more commonly used for partners!

YANBU. Not sure whether the best thing to do is lie or simply tell them the truth, but either way YANBU to stop doing all these things for them. They are running you ragged for no good reason, they are more than capable.

So was I - I thought she meant one of her partners

YANBU but I would be telling them the truth rather than lying

LittleOwl153 · 08/10/2021 11:17

You can set up direct debits and standing order by post... just saying incase it helps.

Banking has become hard for the oldest generation. But I would have thought this was 80+ not 60. But if she refuses to go into the bank to do whatever then it is just plain laziness. My gran - who would have been 110 this year - did all her bills / banking by going to the local branch each week.

Does this parent ever leave the house? If not then there are bigger issues and the GP needs to be involved. You are not responsible!

HouseOfFire · 08/10/2021 11:24

One of my DPs is also very demanding of my time. Any phonecall they need to make, they ask me to do it, any bit of DIY they ask me, any shopping they send me the money and I have to do it.

no you don't - just say no

AgentJohnson · 08/10/2021 11:33

Don’t lie and don’t go full time. It’s time to stand up to them and say no, their manipulation of you won’t stop if you don’t.

Triffid1 · 08/10/2021 11:37

I don't understand the obsession with keeping the gender of your parents secret, it makes your posts very difficult to understand.

Don't lie, just tell them it's ridiculous. And that if they can't do it themselves, you're happy to call adult social services because clearly they need help of some sort if they are being this helpless.

Helping a parent is one thing. This is a whole different level.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2021 11:37

Stop please. You’re exhausting yourself. The more you do, the more they will expect. Cooking and cleaning next.

picklemewalnuts · 08/10/2021 11:44

Is there any negative come back on you if you stop looking after them? Do they pay your mortgage?

I'd suggest telling them they need paid assistance, that you don't have time, and they'll end up without food and power cut off if they don't sort themselves out because you won't be able to do it anymore.

No need to lie- say you are too busy and have too much to do.

Branleuse · 08/10/2021 11:47

If you refuse to do it and the bills arent paid and they refuse to eat, what will they do then? You dont actually have the resources to be your parents unpaid PA. Maybe they should get someone in once a day to do these things for them. Do they need a social services assesment?

You cant get blood out of a stone. You cant pour from an empty cup. All these clichés are well known because theyre true. You need to look after yourself. Its one thing to help someone out. Its another thing entirely to enable their dependence on you. Its not good for you and its not good for them ultimately. Say no,

GreyhoundG1rl · 08/10/2021 11:50

Don't lie, just assert your boundaries a bit better. People in their early 60's don't need looking after, they're behaving very badly.

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