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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would your dh speak to you like this

115 replies

Isthiswhatitisnow · 07/10/2021 23:26

My dh just told me to suck his shit because apparently I nagged him.
I was telling him to give me some credit when he speaks to his mum about refurbish our new house.
He always goes on about everything he's done and makes it look like I've had no contribution and it annoys me.
I'm also heavily pregnant and his mum thinks I sit around all day doing nothing.
I wasn't raising my voice or swearing or anything I simply said make sure you mention me when you ring her this time. I did repeat it 3 times though.
I then cried and he apologised but he says things like this to me now and then.
Aibu to think it's harsh
Or did I overreact by crying?

OP posts:

Original poster

Isthiswhatitisnow · 08/10/2021 08:07

@Eileen101 most people say that about their MILS after they've met mine!

We get on but sometimes she gets so overbearing and I don't like to be told what to do or think or say so it doesn't go down well.

OP posts:

HalzTangz · 08/10/2021 08:07

[quote Isthiswhatitisnow]@sleepingstandingup because he rings her everyday to update her about the house then she rings me to complain that her son does everything and I do nothing.
He was about to call her anyway I wasn't making him call her[/quote]
If she rings you why don't you just set her straight and tell he what you've done.
Why does what she thinks bother you?

thelastgoldeneagle · 08/10/2021 08:09

Why does his mum think you do nothing?? Who told her that? Let me guess...

And no. That's not normal. My husband would never say anything so vile.

Sounds like you're in a pattern of him ignoring what you do and bigging himself up, and are fed up of it?

thelastgoldeneagle · 08/10/2021 08:12

And his mum sounds like a complete pain. Every time she rooms you, list what you've done to the house. Or block her number.

You and your h need to be on the same page here. Why is his mum so involved in your lives??

LettertoHermoine · 08/10/2021 08:16

Disgusting thing to say to you and unacceptable but I can imagine the "tell your Mum about me" on repeat was pretty annoying.

Original poster

Isthiswhatitisnow · 08/10/2021 09:00

It bothers me what she thinks because she's always had a very low opinion of me and I want to change it for dh sake.
I shouldn't let it bother me.
It wouldn't be an option to hang up on her it would cause a massive family argument.
I just wish dh would stop seeking his families approval all the time it's like he can't go a day without wanting praise from them but it never ever comes

OP posts:

SprayedWithDettol · 08/10/2021 09:02

Abusers often ratchet up during pregnancy. He is horrible. Don’t let your child grow up in this toxicity.

Rainbowheart1 · 08/10/2021 09:03

His a idiot for talking to you like that, but I can’t help seeing the real issue here….why was you so determined for your mother in law to know you don’t sit around on your arse all day? Is she your boss?

Learn this lesson quickly, you don’t need to justify anything to your mother in law, ever, stop trying to seek approval and own it.

Cocomarine · 08/10/2021 09:05

My husband wouldn’t ever speak to me like that.

But I also wouldn’t ever be kowtowing to his mum, desperate to have him report in to her what I’d done to curry favour. You really need to work on that.

PickAChew · 08/10/2021 09:16

@Isthiswhatitisnow

It bothers me what she thinks because she's always had a very low opinion of me and I want to change it for dh sake. I shouldn't let it bother me. It wouldn't be an option to hang up on her it would cause a massive family argument. I just wish dh would stop seeking his families approval all the time it's like he can't go a day without wanting praise from them but it never ever comes

You're bending over backwards to be pleasing to the pair of the but you are never going to achieve it. You're saddled with a mummy's boy who has no respect for you. Once the house is done and you have recovered from the pregnancy and birth, you need to seriously consider whether you want to remain a part of this toxic dynamic.

You will never fix it. They rely on you being meek and subservient and will never consider you good enough. If he cares about how his mother talks to you, he wouldn't be whining, every day and would give it to her with both barrels for being unkind to you. The minute you try to stand up for yourself you get this - "suck my shit"

I have no doubt he will get nastier, especially if you leave, but is this really what you want for the rest of your life?

QuizzlyBear · 08/10/2021 09:19

My DH can be a bugger in other ways at times but he'd never speak to me like that.

It shows such utter disrespect and disregard for you - you deserve better than someone who speaks to you as though they hate you.

TracyLords · 08/10/2021 09:20

Nah, never spoke to me like that. Has raised his voice once in 18 years.

Never heard that line though... it might be something youd say trying to be funny. A bit like “go sit on it and spin on it” or sticking the middle finger which DH and I would say to each other in a joking way

Yogawankonobi · 08/10/2021 09:24

Stop worrying about your mil! Honestly!

Yes maybe you were annoying but it doesn’t give him the right to speak to you like that. It’s never okay.

Munchyseeds · 08/10/2021 09:24

No my husband has never and would never speak to me like this
No you did not deserve it

Eeiliethya · 08/10/2021 09:32

Does he do this regularly? As in talk to you like that?

If it was a one off, I would be less than impressed and my displeasure would be felt for days however if it's a repeated lack of disrespect he would find himself out on his arse.

And as for his mother, when she calls and whinges at you for not doing anything just tell her what you've been doing and to wind her bloody neck in. Or you could even tell HER to suck your shit. See how acceptable he finds it when someone speaks to his mother like that.

Should drive the point home anyway .

CorianderAndCream · 08/10/2021 09:36

I don't think I've ever heard anyone use the phrase 'suck my shit' - it's not even a real phrase. And no DP doesn't speak to me like that. Sometimes he'll tell me to piss off if we're in an argument, but then so do I.

ErrolTheDragon · 08/10/2021 09:37

I've not RTFT, but can I point out that crying is largely an involuntary reaction. It's a reaction which women seem to be physiologically more prone to. As such it's not something we should blame ourselves for.

On the other hand, spoken words are largely voluntary. What the OPs DH said was vile. There's simply no excuse for using that sort of phrase.

CorianderAndCream · 08/10/2021 09:38

Although no I don't think he hates you. I think he was angry and expressed it inappropriately. I'd have sharp words about it but it's not LTB territory

PickAChew · 08/10/2021 09:39

I never use to cry until I was pregnant, then the slightest thing could set me off.

DrManhattan · 08/10/2021 09:50

You do know you are a grown up and your MIL is not in charge of you, right?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 08/10/2021 09:55

Not more than once he wouldn't!
That's disgusting.

EishetChayil · 08/10/2021 09:55

I wouldn't let anybody speak to me like that, let alone a partner.

DrSbaitso · 08/10/2021 10:02

@Isthiswhatitisnow

It bothers me what she thinks because she's always had a very low opinion of me and I want to change it for dh sake. I shouldn't let it bother me. It wouldn't be an option to hang up on her it would cause a massive family argument. I just wish dh would stop seeking his families approval all the time it's like he can't go a day without wanting praise from them but it never ever comes

What does a massive family argument look like to you? Being told to suck shit?

What does her having a low opinion of you matter?

Everything you're scared of is already happening. So why are you letting fear of it ruin you?

You can end it and not live this way any more. What on earth have you got to lose?

readingismycardio · 08/10/2021 10:02

Never. I'd wash his mouth with soap.

Areyouhappy · 08/10/2021 10:08

I would be out of the door if my DH spoke to me like that.

Is the underlying argument a reflection of your marriage op? Does he and his family always minimise your contribution? I think you need to examine the dynamic that is going on here and be alert to his insulting language escalating in to something more.

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