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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would your dh speak to you like this

115 replies

Isthiswhatitisnow · 07/10/2021 23:26

My dh just told me to suck his shit because apparently I nagged him.
I was telling him to give me some credit when he speaks to his mum about refurbish our new house.
He always goes on about everything he's done and makes it look like I've had no contribution and it annoys me.
I'm also heavily pregnant and his mum thinks I sit around all day doing nothing.
I wasn't raising my voice or swearing or anything I simply said make sure you mention me when you ring her this time. I did repeat it 3 times though.
I then cried and he apologised but he says things like this to me now and then.
Aibu to think it's harsh
Or did I overreact by crying?

OP posts:
Xmassprout · 08/10/2021 00:00

It is a saying, this isn't the first time ive heard it by a long stretch. I first heard it several years ago, although not often.

It wasn't a nice thing to say to you. You do sound annoying, but that doesn't give anyone reason to talk to you like that

SleepingStandingUp · 08/10/2021 00:00

@Isthiswhatitisnow

Yes I did go on. I did annoy him. Did I deserve to have that said to me though?
I don't think anyone on the thread thinks you deserved it OP because frankly who WOULD deserve to be talked to like a pie e of shit someone scraped off their show? No one.

And it happens regularly. Which is worse.

Was he like this before pregnancy?

Original poster
Isthiswhatitisnow · 08/10/2021 00:00

@sleepingstandingup because he rings her everyday to update her about the house then she rings me to complain that her son does everything and I do nothing.
He was about to call her anyway I wasn't making him call her

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 08/10/2021 00:03

You need to extricate yourself from the loop.

"Oh poor Dave called me to tell me he's had to hand cut every window in the house with a nail file because you're too lazy to help"
*yeah I know, penance for the three minutes of fun he had making your grandchild. Whom in not heavily pregnant with. Ooh bladder kick, gotta pee, byeee".

It won't get better once baby is here so you either need defences and ways to handle it, or to not be living in their toxicity

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/10/2021 00:06

You don’t have to answer. If she’s giving you hassle just ignore her or block her. She’s not your boss, you’re not accountable to her.

BrilloSolar · 08/10/2021 00:07

Honestly, if my husband told me to 'suck his shit', I would be straight on to make a GP appointment as I'd assume he had a brain tumour or similar.

I don't even mean that lightheartedly in any way, I'd genuinely be worried about his health as there would be no way he'd ever speak to me like that even in an argument/ disagreements.

But only you know if the is completely out of character or just a bit more extreme than you're used to.

Heartofglass12345 · 08/10/2021 00:11

I knew the answer before I opened the thread. Why is he ringing her every day to tell her about the house?? Why is she ringing you?? I just wouldn't even answer the phone to her anymore! Bizarre Confused (them two not you)

sadie9 · 08/10/2021 00:16

Why do you care what his mother thinks?
She sounds abusive and her son is abusive and rude. He's a mummy's boy and he doesn't like anyone else getting her attention. Is she paying for your house or something?
The two of you are afraid of his mother. You act like children when she is around or on the phone.
Don't let your partner speak to you like that. What he said was disgusting.

toomuchlaundry · 08/10/2021 00:17

Neither of them sound very nice

DappyApple · 08/10/2021 00:23

Stop answering the phone to his mother for a start.
Your dh sounds like an entitled little gobshite who is mollycoddled and entertained by his mother.

You absolutely did not deserve to be spoken to like this. How old is he?because he certainly doesn’t sound like he’s mature enough to be a father.

Has he always been like this?

MouseholeCat · 08/10/2021 00:24

No way would my DH speak to me that way. And my MIL wouldn't criticise me like that either.

These people sound horrible and you deserve better.

Anordinarymum · 08/10/2021 00:25

@Isthiswhatitisnow

Yes I did go on. I did annoy him. Did I deserve to have that said to me though?
it's the 'annoy' word i cannot stand.

I know my children find me annoying. If something happens that disturbs me such as - the bin men don't empty my bin but empty all the others on the street, and then next time they leave it again which has happened, i have been known to get anxious and go on and on about it and I know I am doing it........... but they don't say anything.

When the man came to cut the trees in the garden last year when we were at centreparks and cut trees I did not want cutting and left others that needed cutting,and missed the other half of the hedge so I had to do it myself , and thengot very upset that he had pollarded a young tree so much it did not flower in spring, I went on and on about it but they did not tell me I was annoying even though I bloody well was, because they respect me.

Or when I put petrol in my daughters diesel car
I could go on....

But they respect me so they would not speak to me like that, or what is the point?

When family talk to each other like crap it is the beginning of the end.

Yellownotblue · 08/10/2021 01:02

@Aquamarine1029

My husband has never spoken to me like that in 25+ years, ever, and I would never have tolerated it. Your husband is vile.
Yep, this ^
Mamanyt · 08/10/2021 01:05

Would my DH have spoken to me like that? Maybe once. After that, he would have had no opportunity to do so. We had clear rules of engagement for arguing, and personal slurs were absolutely out. I told him up front if he did so, it would be the last argument we ever had that was not handled by lawyers pre-divorce trial. He apparently believed me.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/10/2021 01:09

No he has never spoken to me like that, not even in the heat of an argument.

He has also never directly or indirectly implied to his family or anyone else that I'm lazy or sat back and said nothing while someone else had a go at me.

In light of your updates, you have every right to 'nag' him about what he tells his mum, when it leads to her having a go at you. Its bizarre he is claiming credit for your work and even more so when you are getting hassle from his mum about this. What kind of person wouldn't be on the phone to their mum straight away to say 'stop having a go at my wife, she is pregnant anyway and none of your business even if she had left me to do all the house stuff, and in any case she did do her share'. He is acting like a dick

starfishmummy · 08/10/2021 01:24

@Isthiswhatitisnow

Yes I did go on. I did annoy him. Did I deserve to have that said to me though?
No you didn't, but he didn't deserve to be nagged either.
expat101 · 08/10/2021 01:26

Is MIL paying for the house renovation? Has she recently lost a partner?

I don't see why he needs to call her every day if not for above (the 2nd bit more than the 1st) however I do think you need to nip this communication circle in the bud, either you speak to her together, or she stops calling you later? to report what he has told her.

Graphista · 08/10/2021 01:30

It's not just the nasty comment which was well out of order it's deeper than that as he won't even share credit re all the work that's gone into refurbishment!

He has no respect for you op. This needs to be addressed and I would say before baby comes. Well at the very least, quite honestly baby or no if a man ever treated me like this I'd be off!

YourWinter · 08/10/2021 01:32

Doesn't mean he hates you, it means he has no respect for you, no manners, and no intelligence. Why are you with him and having a child with him? Do you think he is capable of teaching his child to be nicer than he is?

Rangoon · 08/10/2021 01:41

Do let him finish the refurbishment before you tell him it's over. After all houses that are half-renovated always sell at a discount. You'll want to be a bit recovered after the birth too. Then I'd be getting that toxic duo out of my life. I'd want to minimse my child's interaction with him as well - they'll either be terrorised or grow up just like him. My husband and I have argued from time to time but he'd never say those words to me and he wouldn't put up with his mother treating me like that either.

HeartvsBrain · 08/10/2021 01:49

@starfishmummy But he did deserve to be nagged! In fact with the constant complaining to his mummy, with him not sticking up for his wife, and for using incredibly offensive language, he doesn't deserve to have the OP in his life at all. He and his mother are toxic. I can only assume that you have actually not read the OP's posts at all.

OP, under the given circumstances, you were not a nag, you were actually being too generous to him. You really should not be bringing up a child with this vile man, so I hope you can find a way out. The amazing mumsnetters here can give you brilliant advice if you do decide you want out.

MyDogLovesBiscuits · 08/10/2021 01:49

He's a total arsehole if he talks to you like that regularly! TBH once is bad enough but when it becomes a pattern, yeah that makes him a really unpleasant person.

notangelinajolie · 08/10/2021 01:52

This is not the way my DH would ever speak to me. What your DH said to you is horrible. Disgusting infact. Please don't stay in this marriage - he doesn't respect you. No loving husband would ever say anything like this to a wife he loved.

1forAll74 · 08/10/2021 01:57

It's not a nice thing to say, but just a bit of an arguement, so why did you need to cry !

Shoxfordian · 08/10/2021 05:20

He sounds very disrespectful
My husband would never speak to me like that and neither would my mil. You have no obligation to speak to her

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