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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would your dh speak to you like this

115 replies

Isthiswhatitisnow · 07/10/2021 23:26

My dh just told me to suck his shit because apparently I nagged him.
I was telling him to give me some credit when he speaks to his mum about refurbish our new house.
He always goes on about everything he's done and makes it look like I've had no contribution and it annoys me.
I'm also heavily pregnant and his mum thinks I sit around all day doing nothing.
I wasn't raising my voice or swearing or anything I simply said make sure you mention me when you ring her this time. I did repeat it 3 times though.
I then cried and he apologised but he says things like this to me now and then.
Aibu to think it's harsh
Or did I overreact by crying?

OP posts:
NewlyGranny · 08/10/2021 05:56

Your DH and MiL are engaged in triangulation, colluding in putting you down to make themselves feel powerful. It's toxic and it needs to stop. In fact, it's shit and he knows it is and was honest enough to name it to you!

He ignored your reminder of what you'd been contributing because he had a different, false, narrative ready to trigger his mother into calling to berate you for laziness. They are a pair!

He literally told you he was serving his shit up to you and that it was deliberate and intentional.

You were not being "annoying"; you were attempting to short circuit a toxic pattern of behaviour that manipulates facts to put you perpetually in the wrong. He likes you there so he ignored your truthful intervention.

I suspect this is a damaging pattern of behaviour he has learned in childhood and it is clearly well embedded now. You do not need to participate. You do not need to care what his mother thinks. If she calls, you can put the phone far enough away that you just hear quacking, not words, and wait for her to run down before picking up the phone to say, "Bye then, Sue!" before hanging up. It doesn't have to reach you from her.

He's a different story. He needs to understand that the way he speaks to and about you is unacceptable and is jeopardising his future with you and his coming child. He may well be stressed, but why is he pushing the relationship destruct button? Is that what he really wants? He could just be an adult and tell you instead of driving you away by making himself repulsive.

I'd tell him you listen to him feed shit to his own mother every time he calls her and for some reason she seems to lap it up, but you're a different person and you have no appetite for his shit, whether it's steaming hot and fresh from him or cold, congealed and recycled from her.

He needs to seek help urgently and change this pattern before he poisons a third generation. Let him know you won't let that happen.

Jennifer2r · 08/10/2021 05:58

I wouldn't abide a stranger talking to me like that, let alone a partner

NewlyGranny · 08/10/2021 06:08

OP, he may have lost track of what all the work on the house is even FOR. Does he want to live happily in the completed house with you and DC or would he prefer to live there alone, or more likely be banished to some rental and just paying for it all from afar for the next 18 years without ever enjoying it?

Because that's where he's taking this.

hamstersarse · 08/10/2021 06:19

My ex husband used to speak to me like that

Nancydrawn · 08/10/2021 06:20

That's disgusting.

'Fuck off' is rude. 'You're fucking annoying' is mean. 'Kiss my arse' is accusatory. But 'suck my shit' is grotesque and takes effort.

That would take a lot of apologizing.

JuneOsborne · 08/10/2021 06:23

No,people who love and respect you don't say things like that to you. Or let other people get the impression that youyr lazy and sit around all day if that's not true.

Has he always been like this, or did it start with the pregnancy?

JapanJetplane · 08/10/2021 06:28

He’s a dickhead, he should never have spoken to you like that regardless of any nagging. It’s never acceptable.

NewlyGranny · 08/10/2021 06:46

I wonder whether he feels he can let the real, vile side of himself show because you are now heavily pregnant and thus vulnerable and dependent? Or to put it bluntly, does he think you have to suck his shit because has has you trapped?

Are you trapped or is there somewhere you can go if he pretends this never happened or thinks a quick "Sorry, alright?!" can make it go away?

overnightangel · 08/10/2021 07:27

@Hankunamatata

So you went on and on at him, he slipped and said something rude. He doesnt hate you. It's a daft argument about nothing. Wjen you both calm down agree that words like your dh said arnt acceptable and move on.
Meanwhile back in the real world ….
ilovebagpuss · 08/10/2021 07:38

I often think these things are the slippery slope. A relationship starts out lovely and no one swears or farts or whatever then normal life eventually ensues with the odd row and occasional swearing.
However once someone has broken the first barrier to be really vile that will go on and on any time there is a little frustration as it’s normalised.
So next might come throwing things or breaking things and so on and so on. For me it would be a huge red flag sustained vile language it’s like a gateway drug to the next bit of abusive behaviour.
I couldn’t live lying next to someone at night who had said those things and not as a one off huge event which may be excused but habitual. Not good for children to hear either or be on the receiving on of if they have annoyed him.

DrSbaitso · 08/10/2021 07:39

No, and if he did, it would be the last time.

DrSbaitso · 08/10/2021 07:41

@NewlyGranny

I wonder whether he feels he can let the real, vile side of himself show because you are now heavily pregnant and thus vulnerable and dependent? Or to put it bluntly, does he think you have to suck his shit because has has you trapped?

Are you trapped or is there somewhere you can go if he pretends this never happened or thinks a quick "Sorry, alright?!" can make it go away?

Quite likely. Abuse often develops or escalates in pregnancy.
Maray1967 · 08/10/2021 07:43

1forAll74 - read the OP carefully. She’s heavily pregnant. I burst out crying at that stage when my DH got stressed while driving and said I needed to give directions more quickly ( pre satnav days). Normally I would eye roll.
No, OP, this is not a normal way for someone to talk to their spouse or partner. It’s vile. And MIL behaviour is vile too.

Bluntness100 · 08/10/2021 07:43

That’s disgusting and no my husband has never and would never say such a thing to me.

But it’s also appalling he’s taking all the credit and making you look lazy, trying it impress his mummy at your expense,

I don’t know how you don’t have the ick.

DrManhattan · 08/10/2021 07:44

Leave. Have some standards

bigbaggyeyes · 08/10/2021 07:45

I wouldn't be with someone who talked to me like that, there is NEVER an excuse to speak to someone like that.

Even if you were being annoying op, he's still out of order

Enko · 08/10/2021 07:47

25 years of marriage here. Dh can swear like a trouper, but not once - not even in an argument- has he spoken to me (or I him) like that.

Shows a fundamental lack of respect i would not get past.

SallyDoTheDishes · 08/10/2021 07:47

Clearly he cannot communicate effectively with you. You did not nag him you spoke to him about your concerns. The reason he is pissy is because he is still trying to show his mummy what a good little boy he is. Her then ringing you is them together against you.

It needs to stop. He is lying and getting away with it.

You are his priority, not his Mother. He needs to put you first above his family as he is your husband. That is where his loyalty should lie. And no Dh has never spoken to me like that and neither have I spoken to him like that.

Maybe post on the relationships board for advice about this daily reporting dynamic of mother and son. Does she have a husband or partner?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 08/10/2021 07:47

Why did you apologise? I'd have told him to do one speaking to his heavily pregnant wife like that.
i never apologise to foul mouthed dickheads.

Isthiswhatitisnow · 08/10/2021 07:47

To answer questions:
I cried because I was shocked that he would speak to his pregnant wife like that and probably because I'm very hormonal and emotional anyway right now.

I care what his mum thinks because I've spent my entire marriage trying to make sure we all get on for his sake.

He rings her everyday because he cares what she thinks about every tiny thing and wants her involved in it and she's very much the boss in the family.

My anxiety is through the roof these days as baby is nearly here and we're in a half done house. I am an anxious person as it is ill admit to that.

OP posts:
KingdomScrolls · 08/10/2021 07:50

Awful thing to say. Even if he felt you were going on at him he could've just said, yes I know that's the third time you've said it, for example which expresses his annoyance but isn't vile and rude. Also why is he canning his mum every day to big himself up and slag you off?!?

HalzTangz · 08/10/2021 07:52

I wouldn't want to be mentioned to his mother. She didn't do a great job bringing him up if he thinks that's an acceptable way to speak to anyone

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 08/10/2021 07:58

Yes he would. That’s why he’s an ex.

Eileen101 · 08/10/2021 08:01

Good lord.

To answer your specific question, no, mine wouldn't even dream of speaking like that. He occasionally falls into "factory talk" around me (not the kids) but quickly changes when it's mentioned.
In your situation, if I'd repeated myself 3 times, he'd have snapped "okay!" And walked off to make his call Grin
We'd have mutually apologised later and moved on.

It seems like the elephant in the room is his mum. She doesn't need to be involved in every aspect of your lives, you're adults! Is your husband happy with the status quo? Can you sit down and explain that you're not and you don't need his mum's approval?

My mil can be a bit over bearing but all of a sudden I feel very grateful and affectionate for her not needing to be involved in literally every mutinae of our livesGrin

Isthiswhatitisnow · 08/10/2021 08:01

And no she hasn't paid for it but she gives her opinion on everything then gets pissy if we pick our own colours, or styles etc..
Shes like that with everyone and I usually ignore and do what I want anyway but sometimes it gets too much.
Dh just feels guilty for not doing as he's told.
She doesn't have a husband he passed away years ago but she doesn't live alone she lives with 5 other members of the family.

OP posts: