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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

how do you command respect at work as a feminine and gentle person?

96 replies

BobbiPinsOn · 07/10/2021 12:36

Do you think being feminine, soft-spoken or gentle get in the way of succeeding in a male-dominated environment? How do you avoid becoming eye-candy(even though you are) and not being taken seriously by colleagues, despite being competent?

OP posts:
titchy · 07/10/2021 12:38

Not thinking of yourself as eye-candy would be a good start Hmm

123Applesauce456 · 07/10/2021 12:39

@titchy

Not thinking of yourself as eye-candy would be a good start Hmm
this.
Seesawmummadaw · 07/10/2021 12:39

Same as titchy.

I am not eye candy. I am a grown woman who deserves to be treated equally.

Stretchandsnap · 07/10/2021 12:40

What a bizarre post. Are you working in the 1980s?

Original poster
BobbiPinsOn · 07/10/2021 12:40

Ps. I am not an eye candy, I am far from it...

OP posts:
Original poster
BobbiPinsOn · 07/10/2021 12:42

@Stretchandsnap

What a bizarre post. Are you working in the 1980s?
Are you saying this does not happen in recent times? that its an 80s thing?
OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/10/2021 12:42

Be very firm and stand your ground when necessary. Enforce boundaries. Make sure you have your day/ make your point in discussions. Be good at your job - although that applies to everyone!

You don’t have to be loud and brash to succeed necessarily, but thinking of yourself as “feminine” “gentle” and “eye candy” won’t help.

ThreeLittleDots · 07/10/2021 12:43

It's up to men to conduct themselves appropriately and professionally. A woman shouldn't change or mediate her approach or behaviour to suit male colleagues.

Dragongirl10 · 07/10/2021 12:45

By being unaware of how you may be percieved as you are much to busy getting the job done.

I have worked for many years in a male dominated industry but can command respect, as l behave seriously and professionally at all times, and couldn't care less what is thought about how l may look.

Not sure what being feminine means in a work context, surely it is just suitable work attitude and behavior that is required.

I have no issue with putting to rights any inappropriate behaviour, and don't let it ruffle me.

You are a PERSON doing a job to the best of your ability.

chillied · 07/10/2021 12:46

I'm too old to be eye candy.

Expect respect, and then if you don't get it you will be able to spot who and how.

Be reliable, understand and use your organisation's systems, use logic. Don't self-deprecate.

Understand for yourself what issues don't matter too much to you, and which do - so that if you need to make a stand, you are doing it on a matter where you really want to assert your way.

Mybalconyiscracking · 07/10/2021 12:47

@ThreeLittleDots

It's up to men to conduct themselves appropriately and professionally. A woman shouldn't change or mediate her approach or behaviour to suit male colleagues.
Oh rubbish, of course you have to change your approach depending on your audience.
WandaVision2 · 07/10/2021 12:49

What does behaving in a feminine way entail?

ThreeLittleDots · 07/10/2021 12:52

Oh rubbish

It's not rubbish. If they're not professional enough to work with a woman without reducing her to a silly sex object then THEY are in the wrong, not her.

Couldhavebeenme3 · 07/10/2021 12:54

My number one is dress appropriately and stand up straight, with confidence.

And I say that as a woman. No, I wouldn't give a female colleague the same gravitas if she was wearing a vest top and leggings as another who was in a shirt and tailored suit. And before anyone starts with victim blaming, no not at all - one of the only pieces of advice my careers chap gave me that was any good was 'dress for the job you want'. Nor a shrinking violet over someone who appeared confident.

I had to address a room of 300 colleagues on the 3rd day of my current job; I'd never done the role before but my colleagues assumed I'd been doing it for years because I dressed well and appeared confident (even though I was bricking it and I'm quite a private person outside work).

caketiger · 07/10/2021 12:54

Work somewhere with a better culture?

Work hard. Be honest. Have integrity. Turn up on time. Be someone your colleagues can rely on.

Original poster
BobbiPinsOn · 07/10/2021 12:57

@WandaVision2

What does behaving in a feminine way entail?
in this instance: Taking special care to present oneself as beautiful and presentable, especially by being well dressed, taking care of your hair, and makeup at all times it could vary for others but for me that is what comes to mind
OP posts:
FrankButchersDickieBow · 07/10/2021 13:02

Taking special care to present oneself as beautiful and presentable, especially by being well dressed, taking care of your hair, and makeup at all times

Wtf! Are you a robot of the patriarchy

JustGiveMeGin · 07/10/2021 13:05

Well I dress well and wear make up in every job I've ever done, I would look feminine on the outside I suppose. I've never, and I mean never had a problem. Probably because my attitude from day one anywhere is mess with me and you'll regret it!
If you want to be coy and come hither in work you will have problems, just behave like a person and not some giggly flirty teenager and you will be fine Hmm

JustGiveMeGin · 07/10/2021 13:05

@FrankButchersDickieBow said it better than me Grin

idontlikealdi · 07/10/2021 13:08

Jesus Christ.

MiloAndEddie · 07/10/2021 13:08

Well I’m well turned out, I do my hair and wear make up everyday to the male dominated environment I work in (and have always worked in).
However, I am in a senior role so something about me must be working.
I never play the ‘silly girl’ role, I don’t make the tea or take the notes just because I’m the only female in a meeting with my peers.
Be confident without being arrogant, believe in your abilities.

Dojacatpaws · 07/10/2021 13:10

The lead character in the political drama borgen nailed it I felt

how do you command respect at work as a feminine and gentle person?
Butchyrestingface · 07/10/2021 13:10

Taking special care to present oneself as beautiful

Well, you're certainly not short on confidence. Grin

Not intending this to sound snide, are you a non-native speaker of English, OP?

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 07/10/2021 13:11

Where's the connection between wearing make-up and being gentle?

In all honesty this is one of the strangest posts I've read in a very long time, and that includes the sarm thread ...

IM0GEN · 07/10/2021 13:12

Taking special care to present oneself as beautiful and presentable, especially by being well dressed, taking care of your hair, and makeup at all times

Are you asking for yourself OP? Or are you a man asking because you want to advise someone else ?