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Original poster

how do you command respect at work as a feminine and gentle person?

96 replies

BobbiPinsOn · 07/10/2021 12:36

Do you think being feminine, soft-spoken or gentle get in the way of succeeding in a male-dominated environment? How do you avoid becoming eye-candy(even though you are) and not being taken seriously by colleagues, despite being competent?

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 07/10/2021 13:12

OP you sound a little snide about the woman in question?

Nancydrawn · 07/10/2021 13:13

@BobbiPinsOn

Ps. I am not an eye candy, I am far from it...
But you just said that you were eye candy.

While this is either a hilarious or awful post (or both), I will answer: one can be well groomed and soft spoken, male or female, and gain respect by being direct in your requests, good at your own job, and avoiding any form of passive aggression.

SudokuWillNotSaveYou · 07/10/2021 13:14

The problem is with what you equate things. Never speaking up for yourself is not “soft-spoken.” Lacking confidence is not “gentle.” And not standing up for yourself is not “feminine.” You can be feminine, gentle, and soft-spoken and still do all the things I’ve said. So I’m unsure why you couldn’t succeed?

Wazzzzzzzup · 07/10/2021 13:15

Taking special care to present oneself as beautiful and presentable, especially by being well dressed, taking care of your hair, and makeup at all times

Except the make up (though I suspect that still apllied in few cases) you described all my male managers ever. Well groomed, well cared for, well dressed.

What gets you respect are you brains and being assertive. All that is available to women no matter how well they present physically

Milkbottlelegs · 07/10/2021 13:16

Taking special care to present oneself as beautiful and presentable, especially by being well dressed, taking care of your hair, and makeup at all times
it could vary for others but for me that is what comes to mind

Whilst this does sound a bit bizarre and quite frankly old fashioned in the way it’s portrayed, I’m the first to admit that I will always dress smart and make sure my hair and make up is neat for a big meeting. And I always feel more confident in heels. But that’s all for my own personal confidence, I’m not sure anyone else notices.

Milkbottlelegs · 07/10/2021 13:18

Except the make up (though I suspect that still apllied in few cases) you described all my male managers ever. Well groomed, well cared for, well dressed.

This is a really valid point. I expect all my team to be well presented for client meetings .

InkyPinkyParlezVous · 07/10/2021 13:19

Fuck sake.

What if you're not beautiful or particularly feminine?!

I'm neither, but I try to be gentle and kind, not to be feminine, but because its what I want to be.. I get on well with all the men I work with, of any age, and in return they are kind to me. It's enough for me. I can live with that.

0blio · 07/10/2021 13:20

@IM0GEN

Taking special care to present oneself as beautiful and presentable, especially by being well dressed, taking care of your hair, and makeup at all times

Are you asking for yourself OP? Or are you a man asking because you want to advise someone else ?

I think you're getting there...almost
ArthurApples · 07/10/2021 13:21

Take special care to check your own misogyny OP.

scarpa · 07/10/2021 13:24

@ArthurApples

Take special care to check your own misogyny OP.
This.

On the one hand, wanting not to be held to pointless stereotypes about whether or not you should be taken seriously because you're a woman, and on the other assuming having a full face and a blow dry is femininity personified.

Sexnotgender · 07/10/2021 13:24

This is a weird thread 😂

Taoneusa · 07/10/2021 13:27

The problem you describe lies in the male dominated environment, not in the gentle female energy.

Don’t use extraneous words.
Speak succinctly and audibly, without unnecessary qualifiers or adjectives.
Smile only when you feel like smiling or for politeness. Don’t smile as a gesture of submissiveness, only as a gesture of friendliness. Soufflé you are being patronised or ignored, don’t smile.
Dont over do the jewellery, make up or nails, dont pander to any “I’m here to be decorative” conditioning.
Gentleness can be immensely impactful when it is clear and unsullied.

Tal45 · 07/10/2021 13:27

Be less looks obsessed would be my suggestion. Jesus Christ have you heard yourself.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 07/10/2021 13:28

ArthurApples has it!

If you've internalised misogyny to this degree its likely to come back and bite you, because the way you view women will be obvious to other women, and to men, and unconsciously or not will be reflected back at you.

There's nothing intrinsically feminine about make-up and looking after your hair and dressing smartly. Make-up is a cultural expectation in some circles and men are just as likely to be very invested in their hair and suits/ clothing.

GreekTragedy · 07/10/2021 13:28
  • Taking special care to present oneself as beautiful and presentable, especially by being well dressed, taking care of your hair, and makeup at all times it could vary for others but for me that is what comes to mind*

With all due respect but were you born female? I don't know of any female who talks like this.

But I don't suppose that is relevant . So as PPs have mentioned, wear appropriate clothes for the industry. Suit and blouse for office, hard hat and safety boots for constriction etc

Hold yourself straight and look straight into the eyes of the person you are talking to. No giggling bashfully through your eyelashes :)

I don't let anyone talk over you. EVER!

Taoneusa · 07/10/2021 13:29

Soufflé is great and all. But I typed “if”… Confused

goinggently · 07/10/2021 13:29

Not convinced this post is written by a woman

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 07/10/2021 13:32

goinggently you're right that its written by someone who's working from very misogynistic stereotypes of what a woman is at any rate! Definitely something uncomfortable about it!

titchy · 07/10/2021 13:33

Or are you a man asking because you want to advise someone else

Ahh. Dude tell her to ask for someone else's help here. Your misogyny is too deeply entrenched for you to be able to help constructively.

Lucked · 07/10/2021 13:34

WTF.

I have colleagues who are beautiful, I have colleagues who are not, ones who are into fashion and appearance and others who are not. We are all professional and taken seriously.

You are going to have to give specifics OP. Has someone commented on your clothing? What exactly is the problem?

NotFrozen · 07/10/2021 13:34

Hi OP, I understand where you are coming from. Being perceived as eye candy and not having ‘gravitas’ is a problem in y industry. I may not be eye candy anymore but I certainly was when I was younger.

I tried to compensate by dressing professionally and seriously. I notice a lot of men wear amazing suits to work in my industry but the women often are more casual. Dressing well does help with confidence.

I would speak up in meetings- always have something to say.

Do not try to change who you are.

Bring your new ideas to the table. Something I noticed as a woman is that I often have a different perspective on issues then the men, especially when there is a group of men in an echo chamber. You will be uniquely positioned this way and this perspective is valuable.

You can be gentle but firm- don’t be a doormat. If people don’t listen to you, then call them out politely.

And then… if it turns out your workplace is not accepting of you on your own terms, then find a workplace that is more inclusive. They exist!

Pythonista · 07/10/2021 13:37

@Tal45

Be less looks obsessed would be my suggestion. Jesus Christ have you heard yourself.
This....

Be well presented of course but if you are trying to look 'beautiful' then that is concerning. Do you giggle if a man smiles at you?

Pythonista · 07/10/2021 13:38

If you are very concerned about looking beautiful and men seeing you as eye candy, that is why they may not take you seriously

Miseryl · 07/10/2021 13:39

You are equating femininity with weakness. Being feminine doesn't mean one is weak or pathetic.

PanicStationsAhh · 07/10/2021 13:39

I'm guessing you're a man asking on behalf of a female friend? I don't know any women who would talk like this and you have a lot of internalised misogyny going on. So I'm not sure you're the best person to help her I'm afraid.

I don't know of any female who talks like this

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