how do you command respect at work as a feminine and gentle person?

[BobbiPinsOn]

Do you think being feminine, soft-spoken or gentle get in the way of succeeding in a male-dominated environment? How do you avoid becoming eye-candy(even though you are) and not being taken seriously by colleagues, despite being competent?

You are a Barbie doll and I claim my five pounds.

OP the path to being taken seriously at work is to (a) be competent and (b) look professional.

What looks professional for women in the workplace depends on the tradition for that particular industry and culture.

Consider for example: in a country I used to live in (Middle East) a working Muslim woman would cover all of her body and hair apart from hands, feet and face. But she would also wear extremely heavy make-up, bare feet in high glittery sandles, ankle bracelets and bright red nail varnish. In that country, it’s slutty to show your knees. Contrast the UK workplace where it is absolutely fine for a women to show her knees, but heavy makeup, high sandles and the rest of it comes across as desperate and sexually available.

Colleagues I know from Eastern Europe have sometimes struggled to adapt their image to UK City workplaces, because the outfits and makeup that signals wealth and professionalism in Russia, can signal flirting, sexual availability and a lack of professionalism in London.

Or even within the UK, clothes appropriate to a PR/ad/music company are completely inappropriate in a law/accountancy environment, and vice versa.

Now you may say “But I want to look beautiful.” You’re not at work to look beautiful, you’re there to work, and to signal with your appearance that you’re competent. Would you trust a surgeon who does your consultation dressed in a fleece onesie (or bikini)? No. Because it shows they either don’t know or don’t respect the norms for their workplace.

You may say “But I want to be true to myself.” Unfortunately that is a luxury that doesn’t apply at work. DH doesn’t want to wear a tie and suit jacket, or polish his shoes, he’s much happier in lounge wear.

Work out what game you are playing and dress appropriately, or leave the game.

By not thinking of yourself as a feminine and gentle person, but as a teacher/accountant/sales assistant? And not being quite so very obsessed with how your male colleagues perceive you?

Might be worth a go?

God I am in the wrong company if it's all as simple as some here make out

Mind you ....you may be correct

When I worked for NHS I was in awe of the women who chaired meetings. Some were tiny & could stare you down unblinking, some were elegant & sharp, some were warm, gregarious & full of tattoos -- they all knew how to command the room. I completely understood the adoration that Alan Clarke felt for Margaret Thatcher.

They were all very feminine, well-groomed & beautiful in my eyes.

Regarding being gentle as a feminine attribute is kind of antiquated Gone with the Wind : "behave like a Lady Miss Scarlett! " thing. Be firm, do your job well, don't play the silly, girly little me card. People just think you're thick if you do that. In the nicest possible way, if you want to waft around being 'gentle & feminine' in most corporates I've worked in, they'll eat you for breakfast!

I have a senior role as a female in an almost entirely male working environment. But I don't even think of it as being primarily male (until this thread!). I am a leader, my sex/gender is irrelevant as is the sex/gender of the people I work with/for. I judge them on how hard they work, how smart they are, what they bring to the table (apologies for cliched corporate speak) or not, as the case may be. Quite often I am the most junior person in a meeting, as well as being the only female. It makes no difference. I treat them as equals. I've earned their respect and they listen to me.

I've earnt that respect by being damn good at my job, by being professional but still myself (having a personality is still allowed!) and by developing gravitas and presence. None of that came from being feminine or beautiful or gentle or having perfect hair and make-up. And most definitely not from thinking of myself as eye candy.

@Taoneusa

Soufflé is great and all. But I typed “if”…

You command respect by
knowing your job inside and out
know the wider sector
be professional, reliable, punctual
offer to help on projects and lead on them too if you have the experience
do not offer to make tea and take minutes every time
always act with integrity
You can do all of this in a sharp suit or a floral blouse, with or without lipstick.

@Miseryl

Just read the OP's post about being feminine means being beautiful and presentable. 🤣🤣🤣 Thanks for the good laugh OP. Are you trans?

I think the OP may very well have aspirations in that direction @Miseryl 🤔

Being stubborn
Practising sentences that politely mean absolutely not or tell people what they should do in front of the mirror.
You don’t have to be masculine but you do have to have boundaries. They can be polite, gentle boundaries but they have to be absolutely clearly boundaries.

You're either self-regarding, taking the p or trans.

You're trying to "live as a woman" aren't you? In my experience, women don't talk or think like this.

I dont think you have to try and be like men to be respected in the workplace. Just be yourself whether that's a face full of make-up and perfect hair or a natural look and call out anyone that gives you shit!

If you really do want advice on this, then I suggest:

Don’t smile a lot. Scowl more. I got taken a lot more seriously at work when I started frowning a lot and refused to smile constantly.

Don’t think about your looks all the time. Dress professionally, no more. Don’t wear much makeup. You’re there to do a job, not be “eye candy”

Don’t rush to volunteer for stereotypically “female” tasks like tea making, helping clear up or put out food. If you are asked to, find a way to get out of it

Don’t do things your male colleagues don’t do

Don’t gossip or otherwise indulge in chitchat

Watch men in the workplace to understand how to be “strategically incompetent” to get out of things.

Stop worrying about being liked.

That’s a start…

You sound like my friends Russian mother. Shes forever forcing push up bras, pencil skirts, heels and make up on her as she keeps.telling her she needs to be presentable

I really don't think the OP is a woman. I have never heard a woman speak in these terms.

What does behaving in a feminine way entail?

Ask a transwoman. They know. Apparently.

My head is spinning 😵‍💫.

OP I think you are getting a bit of a hard time. I think what you are trying to say is that you want to dress in a professional way but in a way which also feels comfortable for you which includes putting on make up and wanting clothes to be stylish. However, you fear that when you do that people take you less seriously. Of course it is the men's fault (and the women who do this too) but that does not help you right now and your career as pointing out to them that they are being sexist dinosaurs is not really going to change how they relate to you. I do think you can helpfully examine your own preconceptions about feminity as from what you've said here you maybe associate it with characteristics which are less appreciated in the work place. You can re-frame some of it in helpful ways, so maybe 'gentle' is actually 'respectful' which is very much a positive at work. I think you have to see the patricarchy for what it is, deconstruct any ideas you've bought into about essential differences between men and women and present yourself as professional first and foremost (with stylish coming second) and in terms of confidence - fake it till you make it. There are no quick answers here as society is far from equal but we can all be part of the solution.

With all due respect OP, I don't think your femininity is the issue here. I think the problem firmly lays with things like being more concerned with the way you look, and using terms like "eye candy"

I am the only female within my team, I am easily the least experienced at my level.

I do however have the respect of all of my team, because I am a hard worker, with a skill set that I have cultivated off my own back, and I manage to create easy relationships and turn situations around.

The fact that I am a woman very rarely comes into play. Worrying about my hair whilst I'm at work wouldn't be appropriate whether I'm male or female, so I don't do it.

Maybe your team are a bunch of arseholes, but it isn't always the case. In a lot of different places men will be more than welcoming to women in a male dominated environment, though its like everything else. You need to be focused on the job you do to be appreciated, but that would be the same if you were a man.