AIBU to think friendship is over if I am uninvited to a wedding?

[Borisisuseless]

School friend who I used to see regularly in 2019 and previously was due to get married in late 2020. We used to talk about the wedding all the time in 2019 and it was very clear me and DP were invited (down to discussing what I would do with my then unborn child as it was a child free wedding). Seen a lot less of her in 2020 due to pandemic (we live an hour’s drive away) and I had a baby in early 2020. Wedding got postponed to late 2021 due to covid.

I felt like I was putting more effort into staying in touch and trying to arrange meet ups than her during the last year or so and she started becoming more and more vague when I asked about the wedding. A few weeks ago when I still hadn’t received an invitation I started thinking something was up but tried to maintain my usual chatty contacts. Eventually she asked to ring me and pretty much told me the wedding is smaller with only family and good friends (huh? I thought I was a good friend?!).

I didn’t say much because really what can you say, but we then caught up on other things - but obviously I have been feeling very hurt about this since that conversation and am not sure where to go from here. I strongly suspect our mutual friend (we have always met up and travelled as a 3) will be going - they live in the same town and have continued to meet regularly through the pandemic as they could meet outside for walks etc more easily so maybe they have remained close. I don’t want to put other friend in an awkward position by asking her outright if she is going or not but my gut tells me she is and our other friend is phasing me out of our friendship.

AIBU to think the friendship is effectively over? At this point I don’t feel like reaching out or making an effort to see her but maybe with some more time I will want to do this? Has anyone’s friendship survived this? I would 100% have invited her to my wedding (which also won’t be huge) but now I would feel foolish doing this as she has uninvited me from hers. Am not sure if I just continue to meet with other friend alone now without friend who appears to have dumped me? Just a bit confused as nothing changed from my side except a pandemic and a baby so a bit bewildered about what happened here?

I think you are being harsh on your friend. Life changes, covid has changed their plans and you are not as close as you were. It doesn't mean you aren't important to her.

A friend got married recently who had been at my wedding and she didn't invite me to hers, it did smart a little I have to admit but honestly the rational part of my brain knows that she may have had a smaller budget than planned and it is SO stressful making these kind of decisions.

Im sure you would have been there if it was possible.

Weddings bring out the worst in people sometimes. She can scale down her wedding if she wants, that's absolutely her right, but there are ways to do it and it can be done sensitively and kindly.

I think if I were you OP, I would back off entirely and see what she does now. Don't invite her to your gathering, just keep your distance and let her make the next move. If she does or doesn't contact you, you have your answer as to whether there is still a friendship.

@Borisisuseless saw your comment to me about the kids above. I am not sure then.

Are you 100% the other friend is invited? Maybe you will be surprised to hear she isn't. Difficult call to make, as opposed to text or email but I'd be less shy about taking that route if I knew I were also making calls to other mutual friends. She must know you'll be speaking to the other friend.

@OVienna no I don't know if the other friend is invited or not. We've always been a tightknit 3 and I would rarely see one without the other. So I'm kind of nervous to ask the mutual friend if she's going to the wedding or not (partly out of fear that the answer is that she is going - which will confirm that getting-married friend does see us as a different level of closeness; partly because it will make her feel awkward to answer the question, particularly if she's aware that I'm not invited (which she no doubt will be). But I would of course feel much better if she also wasn't invited - but I think that's very unlikely. Neither of them are big on social media so I may never find out either way unless I ask. I think at this point I'm still too upset over being uninvited to risk getting further upset by having it confirmed that she's invited and I'm not (pregnancy hormones in overdrive perhaps?!)

@TopCatsHat and @billy1966 awwww you both sound lovely too, and I really appreciate your support!

I think the wedding is actually a bit of a red herring which people are focussing on, I think the birthday weekend is much more telling unfortunately. The birthday has happened already but they aren't going away for months & also after your due date, that's very suss I'm afraid ☹️

I know how it feels to lose an old/close friend, I have other friends too but like you say, they aren't the same as someone you've known for decades.

Feel for you OP. This feels very unkind.
I think there was another similar thread earlier this week.
Only you can decide whether you think the friendship is worth pursuing. It might be weird afterwards talking about it, seeing photos etc when you weren't there.
My cousin (who is v posh and wealthy....neither of which am I) disinvited my DD to her DDs 18th birthday party years ago. I know in my heart it was because her children all attended private school and my DD didn't...she came up with some rubbish about numbers but I'm certain it's because she thought my DD somehow wouldn't fit in.
I've kind of forgiven her though as she's family...although I won't ever exactly forget.

Did you ever get the wedding details? Just tried to catch up on the thread.

@MummytoA I sent a card wishing her a nice wedding etc. she later sent me some pics of the day and we exchanged a few messages. I sent her a Christmas card and small gift - she sent neither and gave the reason that she was on honeymoon so didn’t get around to sending any. She sent a very small present (surprisingly small given that it was a very big birthday for me). No card or gift for the birth of my DC, as she had done for my first child. I sent her a card only for her birthday (no present). I saw our mutual friend and quizzed her about if anything was up with wedding friend - she insisted no and that it was just a small wedding in the end. I haven’t attempted to arrange a meet up, neither has she. Not sure I will even bother with a Christmas card this year. Friendship well and truly over I reckon although I still have no idea why. Am at peace with it now to be honest.