AIBU to think friendship is over if I am uninvited to a wedding?

[Borisisuseless]

School friend who I used to see regularly in 2019 and previously was due to get married in late 2020. We used to talk about the wedding all the time in 2019 and it was very clear me and DP were invited (down to discussing what I would do with my then unborn child as it was a child free wedding). Seen a lot less of her in 2020 due to pandemic (we live an hour’s drive away) and I had a baby in early 2020. Wedding got postponed to late 2021 due to covid.

I felt like I was putting more effort into staying in touch and trying to arrange meet ups than her during the last year or so and she started becoming more and more vague when I asked about the wedding. A few weeks ago when I still hadn’t received an invitation I started thinking something was up but tried to maintain my usual chatty contacts. Eventually she asked to ring me and pretty much told me the wedding is smaller with only family and good friends (huh? I thought I was a good friend?!).

I didn’t say much because really what can you say, but we then caught up on other things - but obviously I have been feeling very hurt about this since that conversation and am not sure where to go from here. I strongly suspect our mutual friend (we have always met up and travelled as a 3) will be going - they live in the same town and have continued to meet regularly through the pandemic as they could meet outside for walks etc more easily so maybe they have remained close. I don’t want to put other friend in an awkward position by asking her outright if she is going or not but my gut tells me she is and our other friend is phasing me out of our friendship.

AIBU to think the friendship is effectively over? At this point I don’t feel like reaching out or making an effort to see her but maybe with some more time I will want to do this? Has anyone’s friendship survived this? I would 100% have invited her to my wedding (which also won’t be huge) but now I would feel foolish doing this as she has uninvited me from hers. Am not sure if I just continue to meet with other friend alone now without friend who appears to have dumped me? Just a bit confused as nothing changed from my side except a pandemic and a baby so a bit bewildered about what happened here?

Weddings require you to map out everyone you've ever known and loved then draw a circle somewhere, whether you're inviting 10 people or 200. You can't invite everyone. Don't be a baby about it. If she's good to you as a friend, there's no need to back off just because of this.

Thank you @awholenewworlda I appreciate it

I'm having a much much smaller wedding due to COVID and now only having two witnesses with family and one friend for lunch. It doesn't mean I don't still love my friends who aren't coming.

I understand you feel hurt but I do think that there is likely a reasonable explanation for it. I have some friends getting married soon and although officially restrictions have been loosened their venue is continuing restrictions on numbers due to Covid. They had already reduced numbers to just family and close friends and then had to actually uninvite 20 people - some of who are very close friends due to numbers and delaying it further simply isn’t an option given how long they’ve been waiting. It’s a really crap situation for them and they feel bad which isn’t something you should feel on your wedding day. That’s not accounting for the anxiety of Covid they may still have. Personally I wouldn’t see this as trying to phase you out or even as an insult - it’s more about being in a different position to what they were previously. Distancing yourself would be a shame and I imagine they would interpret this as you not being understanding. I would wish them well and continue your friendship although maybe don’t make all the effort.

@BoxOfDreams the mutual friend’s 40th just happened in early October and the planned weekend away is mid-Feb (I am due 8 Feb which they both know). I could have gone away anytime between now and December (most airlines don’t let you fly as your due date is approaching) or a few months after baby is due - so I guess they could have included me if they wanted me there.

Our mutual friend has 1 child (a year before I had my first) and we have all continued to be friends - so while I do expect to lose some friends who aren’t having children - I did expect to continue with these two, given the precedent set.

But I also hope as you say to make friends with other new mums - but it has been harder being on maternity leave at the peak of the pandemic in a new area and I am still trying to build these new friendships

[quote Borisisuseless]@Loudestcat14 yes I took that as a positive sign that she called me to tell me and we continued to chat for another 30 mins after that about life, work, families etc. But I also learned that her and our mutual friend are planning a city break together for mutual friend’s 40th which I was not invited to (we often used to go in together on presents for each other and so I asked her if she wanted to do this or if she had sorted her own present this year). The planned weekend away is going to be a few weeks after my 2nd child is due - not sure if they arranged it for then because it was convenient or because they knew it would definitely mean I wouldn’t be able to come). So another not good sign :-([/quote]
To be fair to your friends, the city break being so close after your second child is due is the main reason why you wouldn't be invited to that, not that they wouldn't want you there. In fact, I'd consider them to be very inconsiderate if they expected you to come on a city break or even a day out/night out a few weeks after a baby is due!

Since you have been friends for such a long time, I’d ask honestly (pref not by text) how come you weren’t invited to the 40th birthday party. Because that is really shitty. If you feel they make excuses I wouldn’t bother again.

They should have invited you, even if they wouldn’t expect you to go because of the baby.

I wouldn’t consider a friendship in jeopardy over a wedding invitation. You can still be friends, have fun together, enjoy each other’s company without needing to be bestest friends and invited to everything.

Covid changed everything for a substantial chunk of time. Who we saw, how we could interact, what life changes took place (like your baby) while everyone was apart… that’s obviously going to impact relationships as we move closer towards ‘normal’.

In your case it means drifting slightly further apart which means the scaled down wedding doesn’t include you . That’s ok; you can still have fun with your friends without attending the wedding.

Friendship is worth keeping.

Pretty much! I was uninvited from the whole wedding when I said I could no longer be a bridesmaid as I was going to be breastfeeding a newborn at the time. Covid postponed wedding - only found out she actually did get married as on her whatsapp profile picture it was her wedding picture. eek!

@BoxOfDreams the mutual friend’s 40th just happened in early October and the planned weekend away is mid-Feb (I am due 8 Feb which they both know). I could have gone away anytime between now and December (most airlines don’t let you fly as your due date is approaching) or a few months after baby is due - so I guess they could have included me if they wanted me there.. Ouch, that does kind of change things!

Has she been a good friend to the OP for 28 years though? Have a think back OP and see if it's always been you who makes the effort/does favours.
I would honestly think that 28 years qualifies a person as a close friend. You could phone her and ask for an honest conversation as to what is going on here, have you done something to upset her?

I went through something similar. Years ago I bumped into old best friend's (20 years since nursery) dad. He invited mee to friend's engagement party, that weekend?! I went, and asked other guests when they knew about it. They received proper invitations in the post 2 months prior! I couldn't believe it?! It was very hurtful. A lot of her friends didn't seem very close to her e.g. People she worked with and her boyfriend's sister (and her friend). It was all very odd. I knew when I left that party, she didn't see me as a best friend any more. I just stopped calling her and arranging to meet up (realised it had always been one sided for a few years, but let it slide). I heard that she was still meeting up with a mutual friend, who I'm still good friends with now. It diminished, never heard from her for 10 years, until corona hit. She had no friend's to talk to and had two young children (both under two, one was a baby). I spoke to her a few times when she called, as I felt she had post natal depression and didn't want to tip her futher over the edge. Since lock down I haven't ever heard from her ever again! I think if she ever called again I would just ignore her.

These things can be very painful.
Even though you can rationally tell yourself it shouldn't be.

It's understandable. You feel rejected from s relationship you thought was important. That will hurt.

Pull back, be kind to yourself. Focus on things and relationships that are important to you.

Over time it will feel less painful and you'll have moved on and strengthened other friendships.

Definitely still invite her. If she comes you can see how things go. If she declines that could be your answer.

I wouldn't end a friendship over a wedding invitation. A lot of people have changed their minds about how they are getting married and who they want there during the course of the pandemic.

A friend dropped me after I was unable to invite her to my limited capacity wedding. It was very sad to loose her but we could only have a set number and unfortunately she did not make the cut. It was a reflection of the numbers, not how much I valued her, but clearly she didn't see it that way. She hasn't spoken to me since - this was 6 years ago. So, you have every right to drop her but it might not be a reflection of her not valuing the friendship if you see what I mean.

You sound lovely, OP, and very reasonable! I would issue the invitation and host whoever comes, heaping coals of fire on their heads by telling them wedding chat is fine and joining in cheerfully.

And fwiw, my experience is that the friends you make locally when you have babies together are the best of all and those friendships mean even more than the childhood ones!

It was cruel that Covid robbed you and so many of all that with your first child but this time will be different

Might it be okay to just send a card and say how much you enjoyed the chats that you used to have, that you miss her, and that you wish all the very best in her married life, then start sending Christmas cards only and see if she warms up to you again?

She may have got very isolated and feel in a very changed situation post covid, but hopefully things will get back to normal in the fullness of time.

@Borisisuseless

Thanks everyone for the kind words.

@MzHz It’s my turn to host the next gathering at my place soon but am hesitating and unsure whether to just invite mutual friend (which would then clearly reveal that there is an issue with the getting-married friend) or just invite them both as usual (and take it as a sign if getting-married friend finds excuses). Don’t massively feel like seeing getting-married friend at the moment obviously but also don’t want to necessarily burn my bridges.

@Bancha yes you are right I do feel like I need some sort of closure. It is much more complicated with friendships than romantic relationships as there is less of a definite end

She is not the friend you thought she was.

Don’t invite her to your gathering, she can’t have everything her own way.

Don’t invite her to your own wedding.

Don’t send her a card.

You don’t always have to be the bigger person aka the mug.

I actually think people should view friendships a bit more like sexual/romantic relationships. There are relationships where you can have deep and meaningful conversations, spend all day together etc. And the fuck buddy type relationships where you just have a bit of fun together every now and then.

You don't need to totally cut this friend off. Accept that the friendship is a having fun occasionally type of friendship, not a full on deep and meaningful one. Catch up once in a while and chat about the old days over a drink type of friendship.

It might help to read and really think about the Reason Season Lifetime poem. Not all friendships are destined to last for the latter.

Depends on how small, if she's gone from 120 to 50 guests she would have had to make tough choices, you obviously aren't as close to her in her mind. Doesn't mean she doesn't like you just that she only had 6 spaces or whatever for friends and you didn't make the cut

Fwiw, these things happen. My best friend from primary school and I drifted apart in our early 30s. But I sent her a 50th birthday card with a letter saying how much I had valued our friendship. I sent it care of her her mother whose address I still had. She was on the 'phone within a day and we picked up where we left off two decades previously.

It is probably a genuine covid numbers cut. Our registry office cut room size numbers down from 25 to 20, but offered us a bigger room to accommodate 40 guests. So we invited a few extra... and the registry office then cut numbers from 40 to 30. We now have 4 guests who can't attend!!

But your friend was wrong to tell you you're not a close friend. I'd walk away after that comment if that were me.