AIBU to think friendship is over if I am uninvited to a wedding?

[Borisisuseless]

School friend who I used to see regularly in 2019 and previously was due to get married in late 2020. We used to talk about the wedding all the time in 2019 and it was very clear me and DP were invited (down to discussing what I would do with my then unborn child as it was a child free wedding). Seen a lot less of her in 2020 due to pandemic (we live an hour’s drive away) and I had a baby in early 2020. Wedding got postponed to late 2021 due to covid.

I felt like I was putting more effort into staying in touch and trying to arrange meet ups than her during the last year or so and she started becoming more and more vague when I asked about the wedding. A few weeks ago when I still hadn’t received an invitation I started thinking something was up but tried to maintain my usual chatty contacts. Eventually she asked to ring me and pretty much told me the wedding is smaller with only family and good friends (huh? I thought I was a good friend?!).

I didn’t say much because really what can you say, but we then caught up on other things - but obviously I have been feeling very hurt about this since that conversation and am not sure where to go from here. I strongly suspect our mutual friend (we have always met up and travelled as a 3) will be going - they live in the same town and have continued to meet regularly through the pandemic as they could meet outside for walks etc more easily so maybe they have remained close. I don’t want to put other friend in an awkward position by asking her outright if she is going or not but my gut tells me she is and our other friend is phasing me out of our friendship.

AIBU to think the friendship is effectively over? At this point I don’t feel like reaching out or making an effort to see her but maybe with some more time I will want to do this? Has anyone’s friendship survived this? I would 100% have invited her to my wedding (which also won’t be huge) but now I would feel foolish doing this as she has uninvited me from hers. Am not sure if I just continue to meet with other friend alone now without friend who appears to have dumped me? Just a bit confused as nothing changed from my side except a pandemic and a baby so a bit bewildered about what happened here?

People are odd love. Just let her get on with it.

I’ve had to do something similar to be honest. Planned a bigger wedding last year which got postponed multiple times. Am now buying a house and having a baby so am having a much smaller wedding (half the size originally planned). Which means lots of people I’d love to be there I have had to not invite this time. I wouldn’t assume she doesn’t want to be friends, especially as she phoned you to let you know. I get that it’s disappointing though.

I waited to read the thread before voting.

Initially I was going to say this doesn't have to be the end of the friendship but - 28 years? She might have mis-spoken but it wasn't a very kind way to phrase things. You might have a 28 year acquaintance with a neighbour, not someone you'd been to school with and shared a lot of memories. That is just weird.

All of that said, I'm curious how she's cut the numbers down.

I think there is something to do with the kids angle here, if I'm going to be blunt. Yes, I've seen your other friend has a child too but I wonder if she is more ruthless about carving out a childfree experience for the friend getting married, even if it's just talking kids or talking about plans for life once you've had them that she may perceive varies from hers. Could there be something to this?

It's only over if you take the huff over her having a smaller wedding than originally planned.

I've been there, an apparently good friend didn't invite me to her wedding. In the past she had even said I'd be bridesmaid. I moved to another country but always made an effort to see her when I got back home. But anyway various things happened and she didn't invite me.
Like you it didn't come as a complete surprise as she had been distancing herself from me, but it still hurt. You could speak to your other friend about it. Say that you assume she's going and that's fine, but don't really understand what happened between you and bride to be.
Hope you're ok.x

Op I feel dynamics changed in my friends too since covid. Alot effort by some once things re opened. Others just sat back. I would send her a card but I wouldnt be chasing her either.

She hasn't treated you well
1)tell her honestly that she has offended you
2)dump her - ghost her and never speak or reply to her again
Or
3) accept that you matter much less to her than you thought and take the crumbs from her table
I know which I would do

I understand it must have hurt. However, having postponed our wedding 3 times due to covid, it would've been a heck of a lot easier for us to just do it but with significantly reduced numbers.

To save you own feelings you need to lose interest in these people by distracting yourself with new friends and interests . It's their choice and when the weddings done and dusted they may have to accept they've lost the affection and interest of a good friend. People who "conspire" to freeze someone out ( if they are going this ) usually end up falling out with each other.

doing not going

@OVienna I think if anything it is me who suggests having a day together as friends without the children (in part because I am very conscious that getting-married friend has chosen not to have kids so probably doesn’t want to spend all day with our babies/toddlers, but also because it’s lovely to have a day off being mummy once in a while) whereas the friend who had kids is less able and willing to leave her DD behind for a day for various reasons.
We both had kids later in life than average so have many other things to talk about besides kids - our careers, politics, feminism, etc

@Chris39 other than the weekend away together without me, I don’t at this point have any reason to suspect that they are both trying to freeze me out as nothing has changed with the mutual friend, as far as I am aware

@Minionbums I am reluctant to talk to mutual friend about this as I feel it would put her in awkward position and be uncomfortable for both of us

@Toasteh I agree they should have at least involved me in talk about the weekend away. Maybe this is a sign that they really didn’t want me there as it was all done and dusted and planned before I got a chance to be considered time-wise in the planning

@Cadent you are right that there is a very fine line between being the bigger person and just being a mug. I am very much torn about how to proceed but already feel like a massive mug

@NewlyGranny thank you for the kind words and yes I really hope for a much more sociable maternity leave this time around!

@butterflymum the reason season lifetime poem makes a lot of sense when I reflect on shorter term friendships which have ended, like friends I flat shared with or worked with for a short time, but surely 28 years and counting puts getting-married friend more in “lifetime” territory and therefore more confusing how it appears to have suddenly dwindled for no particular reason

Totally understand how you are feeling OP. The combination of the wedding and the weekend away stings. Tbh I don't know the best way to proceed. There's two options - to carry on as usual and invite them or wait to see if they contact you.
If it was the wedding only I think I'd do the first but with the weekend as well that would be harder and I think I'd find that more hurtful tbh.

I’m sorry OP this is a shitty place to be with someone. Remember you can’t control others only your reaction, it is only the wedding but her general response to you builds up a picture she doesn’t value you in the same way.

Good on you trying to meet people where you are, it really isn’t easy.

I had the same with wedding of friends who apparently were family only, it wasn’t. It made me realise the disorganised privilege one if the individuals person in was just too much for me. My pulling back wasn’t due to not be invited but realising what that meant.

I am with BertieBiscuit above here.
I do understand things have been scaled back but your 'friend's should have been straight up about things and not just left you guessing.

Where do you go from here ? I wouldn't bother making too much effort.

OP,

I think you are right not to mention it to mutual friend, it WILL put her in a difficult spot and there is nothing she can do regarding the wedding.

The 40th is not nice either and you can say to her that you were disappointed not to be included but hope she has a nice time.

I certainly would leave things drift and leave things in the bride to be's court for a next meet up and see the other friend occasionally.

There is a line indeed.

Either way they both appear to be very much suiting themselves which is what you need to be doing too.

I can well imagine after so much time that this is very painful, so you need to take your time and not act in haste.

Wedfings/babys are a transitional time and this friend may well drift back, whether you will want to be close friends again is another matter.

I would be very wary of someone who would call a friend of 28 years and tell them they are disinvited to a wedding because it is NOW only family and close friends.

She had no need whatsoever to frame something in such a rude and hurtful way.

Th

@billy1966 thank you - and I think you are right that I shouldn’t do anything too hasty but step back for a bit. It is too raw for the moment and I may regret my actions later.

This thread has given me much food for thought and perspective so thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond. And so sorry to hear of others who have experienced similar, it really hurts but fingers crossed we can all move on and find more fulfilling friendships than the ones we lost

Just read all your posts op. You sound so lovey. You're considering this from all angles, trying to put yourself in their shoes, not being defensive or blaming about it, not leaping to conclusions or reacting without thinking, I think you're a very considerate friend and those are worth a lot! If they're happy to let that go, more fool them! Which is no compensation at all and won't make you feel any better about this withdrawal but thought I'd say it anyway. Wishing you all the best.

@TopCatsTopHat

I agree.

Your friends have been cavalier with a kind old friend, their choice completely, but may be a decision they yet regret.

The key thing going forward I believe, is for you to 100% suit YOURSELF with these two in whatever way works best for you.

Whilst putting all your available energy/time into making new friends in your area.

There is always the cool brigade

And there is always someone who thinks they’re smart by using this line to completely disregard differing opinions.