AIBU to think friendship is over if I am uninvited to a wedding?

[Borisisuseless]

School friend who I used to see regularly in 2019 and previously was due to get married in late 2020. We used to talk about the wedding all the time in 2019 and it was very clear me and DP were invited (down to discussing what I would do with my then unborn child as it was a child free wedding). Seen a lot less of her in 2020 due to pandemic (we live an hour’s drive away) and I had a baby in early 2020. Wedding got postponed to late 2021 due to covid.

I felt like I was putting more effort into staying in touch and trying to arrange meet ups than her during the last year or so and she started becoming more and more vague when I asked about the wedding. A few weeks ago when I still hadn’t received an invitation I started thinking something was up but tried to maintain my usual chatty contacts. Eventually she asked to ring me and pretty much told me the wedding is smaller with only family and good friends (huh? I thought I was a good friend?!).

I didn’t say much because really what can you say, but we then caught up on other things - but obviously I have been feeling very hurt about this since that conversation and am not sure where to go from here. I strongly suspect our mutual friend (we have always met up and travelled as a 3) will be going - they live in the same town and have continued to meet regularly through the pandemic as they could meet outside for walks etc more easily so maybe they have remained close. I don’t want to put other friend in an awkward position by asking her outright if she is going or not but my gut tells me she is and our other friend is phasing me out of our friendship.

AIBU to think the friendship is effectively over? At this point I don’t feel like reaching out or making an effort to see her but maybe with some more time I will want to do this? Has anyone’s friendship survived this? I would 100% have invited her to my wedding (which also won’t be huge) but now I would feel foolish doing this as she has uninvited me from hers. Am not sure if I just continue to meet with other friend alone now without friend who appears to have dumped me? Just a bit confused as nothing changed from my side except a pandemic and a baby so a bit bewildered about what happened here?

Awwww, that's hurtful op.
You didn't make the cut and how wide she has cast the net for her guest list will tell you how far from the inner circle you are. Just the bride and groom and a couple of witnesses = the zone you are in likely hadn't changed.
Guest list includes everyone she's ever met and the postman = you're nothing to her
Your situation will be somewhere in between. If you have been relegated / put on the back burner, that's sad. Something has changed for her and it could be anything really, people are complicated.
All you can do is figure out if you want the level of friendship you now have and carry on with your new status or call it a day.

I agree with others - she's now keeping her distance (for reasons she hasn't shared with you, and which may have nothing to do with you but how the hell would you know?), and you need to choose whether you're happy with the friendship on those terms, or would like to step back. Either is fine.

This is a strange one. I think her reasons for a small wedding are good and she might have chose bad wording with ‘close friends’. At the same time, I think it would be good for you to concentrate on making some more local friends. Could you have a little chat with the mutual friend to see where the land lies?

@ACNHMAMA

I actually think people should view friendships a bit more like sexual/romantic relationships. There are relationships where you can have deep and meaningful conversations, spend all day together etc. And the fuck buddy type relationships where you just have a bit of fun together every now and then.

You don't need to totally cut this friend off. Accept that the friendship is a having fun occasionally type of friendship, not a full on deep and meaningful one. Catch up once in a while and chat about the old days over a drink type of friendship.

And sometimes things can be less close for a while, and then you find each other again at a different life stage, and the friendship renews.

@Borisisuseless How sad for you. It does seem like this friend has checked out of the friendship with you. I think you do need to give her a wide berth. YANBU to be hurt and upset, and anyone who says they wouldn't be hurt by this is either a) deluded, or b) lying.

Don't invite her to your wedding. She is longer a friend.

IMO, friendships don't have to be all or nothing.

You may consider her closer than she considers you, and you've had much less contact.
This may be a long standing friendship, but it doesn't seem close enough at the moment. It happens.

Unless you find out she's invited quite a lot of friends to her wedding but left you out, then I'd let it go, and wouldn't let it affect the friendship significantly.

It’s my turn to host the next gathering at my place soon

When did she last invite you for a gathering? I'm guessing it's been years.

I wasn't invited to the wedding of the woman I considered to be my best (and only close) friend. She had been my only bridesmaid other than my own sisters. I always knew she wanted a small wedding and it would likely be last minute, but what hurt was that there were other friends there. So it was small (about a dozen people in total) but not family only. She didn't tell me anything about it until I received a card after the event. It hurt that she obviously didn't think we were as close as I did. However, we've stayed in touch and still really enjoy one another's company. We don't live close to each other and only occasionally contact one another (every few months or so), but I'm happy to maintain the friendship. I now accept what I kind of knew all along - that she has always had a large social circle and many close friends, whereas I only have a few, so the friendship means more to me than it does to her, but I'm ok with that.

YABU for saying you were uninvited- you never received an invite in the first place.

A very close friend of mine has just (actually) uninvited me to her wedding- we had invitations sent before Covid but after two postponings she's slimmed it down to close friends and family- as in family members and bridal party only. I wasn't offended, she was clearly upset about having to do it so I reassured her that I understood.

@valnevavaxx so she misled OP into thinking she would be invited. Even worse.

We used to talk about the wedding all the time in 2019 and it was very clear me and DP were invited (down to discussing what I would do with my then unborn child as it was a child free wedding).

There is always the cool brigade. Nope, if someone is in a close enough friendship, then being uninvited/not invited does fracture the friendship. Personally, I can see that with some friendships there is one who is more of the organiser and might be the one more proactive about getting in touch. But if it becomes so unequal that you realise that you are the only one putting in the work, it is time to distance yourself.

OP, in your place, I would stop making an effort and see if either of those friends actually bother with you.

Are you the only person "uninvited" or has she reduced guests from 100 down to 30? If the latter, I would try not to take it personally.

I would pretty much assume its just her OP and avoid putting the effort in. You sound lovely so I do hope you're ok and have other friends that value you.

Covid for me showed peoples true colours. I've seen friends stockpile toilet paper, others help their neighbours with shopping, some keep in contact and others disappear etc. Thats not even to mention rule breaking/following and claiming grants etc. I have definitely come out of it with a different view of a lot of people. You say she was wary during covid, so could something you did during lockdown or since have offended her or changed her view of you? Not saying its right or wrong but just a thought.

You're entitled to do whatever you like in response to not being invited to the wedding but no, I don't believe the friendship is over as she would not have bothered to contact you at all if she saw you as irrelevant.

Op between both the wedding and the 40th I'd say the friendship with both of them is over.

They could easily have arranged the 40th for when you could make it. The fact you weren't told about it or involved in the planning, says more than anything.

Assuming you didn't mention your pregnancy until 12 weeks they can only have known for a couple of months. Yet picked just after your due date.I'd sit back and wait for them to call you. It must be incredibly hurtful but for whatever reason they nolonger want your company.

On its own I don't think this means the friendship is over.. Maybe you are not as close as you thought, or maybe you are very close but she happens to happen other older and closer friends, maybe a hundred different things. It is not black and white, it is more a question of degree. You can be friends without being "best friends". The fact she did not invite you to her wedding does not mean she does not want you in her life or does not value your friendship: I personally would judge it on their behaviour as a friend overall and not on this one isolated incident. Now if you are not happy generally with what they offer you as a friend that's a separate matter, but the wedding invite is not conclusive.

OP- YANBU.

I really feel for you and would be hurt too. There’s been a few times in my life where I’ve realised it other people don’t class me as close a friend as I do them, one only recently and it hurts. A lot.

The 40th thing you’re right, that’s shitty, they could’ve arranged it for a couple of months after you’ve given birth if they really wanted you there.

I’d be really hurt about the wedding too but I guess would want to wait and see how many people actually attended.

You shouldn’t be the only one pedalling a friendship. I would take a step back and see if either of them make an effort with you.

I hope you can find other friendships to put your entert into.

See if she reaches out to you. I spoke to someone almost daily over the pandemic. She suggested we meet but at that time restrictions were in place. So when I suggested a few weeks later I was really surprised with her curt and dismissive reply which implied we weren’t really friends- I had spent hours talking to her and was fairly hurt. I just left it after that. Conversely, I’ve had lots of friends reaching out to meet post pandemic who were quiet during. Sorry though that must have been really hurtful.

I think you're being ridiculous.

Countless people have had to totally re-think their wedding plans , because of covid restrictions , covid lockdowns, covid family risks, covid related financial and employment issues.

So for any of the above she's decided to have a small intimate wedding with limited numbers. Her choice.

ITS NOT ABOUT YOU.

It is possible that she reduced contact somewhat because, for one, she was busy with wedding planning, and also because she felt bad for not including you in it.
I think some communication, but also generosity, is required here.

This happened to me recently and it’s upsetting. Other friends are seeing the photos and asking why I wasn’t there for my best friends wedding. They don’t really know her as we are friends from uni but I don’t feel like I can tell them how hurt I am.

OP we’re you bullied at school? I was and I think it made it made me extra sensitive to it. I think you should send her a card but step back.

Is it possible that by close friends, she meant in close as in distance?

You say she has been anxious about COVID, so perhaps what she meant was she's had to cut numbers at the wedding due to COVID and has decided to only ask local friends and family. Some people are still very worried about travelling, and it may be that in her mind, inviting local friends is safer than having people travel from other areas which may still have higher rates of infection.

Given your replies, i think the best way forward for you is for you to carry on being you, to invite them to your hosted thing as you would do normally see what happens etc

If they make lame excusesm you will know, yo will have made the offer and they are the ones refusing, that's on them. if you don't invite them/one of them, it's on you.

Once you have that meet up out of the way, depending on how it goes etc, you can allow yourself to drift.

Yes, you will have to come to terms with the painful truth that you held them in higher regard than they hold you.

You have clearly out grown them, you will find more friends

OP, you sound so lovely and reasonable.
Of course it hurts.

I can imagine she might have been stuck with numbers but "only close friends" is very rude and unnecessarily blunt.

I wouldn't bother cutting her off.

I just really wouldn't bother contacting her or mentioning her to mutual friend.

If she mentions her, pass it off nicely.

If SHE contacts you be friendly but let her be the one to make ALL effort going forward.

Them being geographically close IS a part of this.

Put all your effort into meeting other mums.
Look at the schools you intend to send your children to and affiliated play schools.

Investigate toddler classes etc and book clubs.
View it as a real project for yourself.
The payoff will be huge.

You sound like a great friend to have.

She really does, doesn’t she @billy1966

I’ll go in on the too :)