To resist using the word "queer"

[Piapiano]

I am old enough to remember (not even that long ago) when calling someone queer was a massive insult. So I'm really uncomfortable using the word now even though some sections of LGBT+ seem to have reclaimed it. I would feel the same using the "n" word that some sections of black communities (especially in the US) have reclaimed.

I mentioned this to a friend the other day and she seems to think I was being really unreasonable in not accepting it as a perfectly valid word to describe someone's sexuality/sexual preferences (actually not sure what it even is referring to) and that I was somehow bigoted for not feeling comfortable using it.

AIBU?

It was an insult when I was young, too.

Language evolves, I guess. “Gay” being a prime example.

How often do you need to talk about people's sexuality for it to be a problem?

I have one friend who describes herself as queer but I don't really find that I ever need to use the word...

Agree. Fine for LGBTQ+ people to use the word, if they wish, to describe themselves.

I personally would never, ever use it to describe a member of that community.

I have never heard, e.g. my brother or his partner use it to describe themselves or their friends either, so….

I don't see why you would need to use it enough for this to be an issue, to be honest.

I don't see it as an insult but I've never had a reason to use the word.

I won’t be using it either.

My understanding is that gay and queer are not exactly the same thing. I don’t want to label anyone anything at all. I just want to see fellow humans.

I agree with you, it’s a slur in my eyes. I’m 43.

My very woke, straight, 33 year old friend talks about the ‘queer community’ and I hate it.

But if someone else says they are queer then I’m happy to use that label if they needed me to.

It was a insult whenI was young too. I have no idea at all what it means now so I still won't be using it!

I know several people who are gay who use the word queer. I don't though. It makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. Even though my gay friends say they wouldn't be offended by it.

Like the N word. I would NEVER say that, even though some POC use it amongst themselves. I don't even say it in my own home.

I wouldn't use it at all in the way you describe, but possibly in its original earlier meaning and context.

YANBU. I’m 31 and I still remember it being a completely unacceptable insult.

Though, I’ve never gotten any pushback for not using it. When I’ve been asked, I just say “I have no problem with other people using it but I don’t feel comfortable using it”. Most people agree it’s a reclaimed slur. And not everyone wants to reclaim it. I don’t see the problem with that.

@SoupDragon

It was a insult whenI was young too. I have no idea at all what it means now so I still won't be using it!

Yeah that's it I think. It is, and has historically been an insult. So even when using it not as an insult, it still feels like it's offensive (to me anyway!)

I'm more irritated that some people seem to be identifying as queer when they are not actually gay (or bi, or trans). Looking at you, cool young celebrities!

As far as I can tell they are simply identifying as "a bit alternative" or even as "wanting to be a bit special but not sure how".

But maybe I am just old and grumpy!!

I've had this exact same discussion with colleagues in a diversity and inclusion group I sit on at work. When I was young 'queer' was an insult and it was meant in a very nasty way - it wasn't simply a 'describing' word. So, I would never say it. But, as you say, it's been reclaimed by some in the LGBT+ community and I can imagine how it might be empowering and feel good to take a word that was a 'hate' word and turn it round and say "this is my identity, of which I'm proud". I can see that and it's a good thing. But I still remember hearing the word being hissed or spat out with venom and malice when I was small - I was too young to really understand what the word meant, but could easily understand the hate behind it's use. And that's not easy to forget. So I think your friend was wrong to say YWBU - you're uncomfortable with it because you don't like the history of it and changing the association of the word will take some time for you personally. You're not saying people shouldn't use the word, just that you cringe a bit insane because it takes you back to worse times? That's how I feel.

I've never heard a gay man or gay woman/lesbian refer to themselves in this way.

Usually it's people that aren't in same sex relationships/haven't had same sex sexual experiences, but have dyed their hair blue or think they're breaking barriers that rockstars in the 60s broke down with make up or clothing....and for sone reason think that somehow that's related to their sexuality and so call themselves 'queer'

Inside, not insane!

I am sick and tired of mainly straight people saying that they are queer. It is and always has been a derogatory slur!
I don't know any LGB people who actually want it used especially when it's not them who have "reclaimed " it but stonewall (which is now a very homophobic group) that calls them genital fetishism for being same sex attracted instead of same gender attraction

@DisappearingGirl

I'm more irritated that some people seem to be identifying as queer when they are not actually gay (or bi, or trans). Looking at you, cool young celebrities!

As far as I can tell they are simply identifying as "a bit alternative" or even as "wanting to be a bit special but not sure how".

But maybe I am just old and grumpy!!

I agree. I’m in my early thirties and have friends who describe themselves as such because they kissed another girl at uni for a dare. I find their attempt to include and centre themselves in the struggles gay/ bi people have faced a bit repulsive.

I know quite a lot of people who’d describe themselves as queer and I still can’t think of many occasions when I’d need to actually use it myself. If you don’t want to say it, it would seem pretty easy not to and for it not even to be picked up on. If it ever really becomes an issue you just say you’re not comfortable with reclaimed words which haven’t been reclaimed by all of the persons the words would once have been used as insults for.

I'm 42, none of my gay friends use it. About half of my bisexual friends, all in monogamous, opposite sex marriages use it. The main people I know who use it are straight people identifying as NB or demi.

So what does queer even mean these days?

It used to be a slur used against gay people.

It doesn’t necessarily mean gay now.

It’s widespread / accepted enough that it’s been included in the LGBTQ+ acronym.

But most straight people would never use it to describe someone of that community. Even if they identified as it.

🤷🏻‍♀️

If it to be reclaimed at all then it should just mean something that is not quite as expected, odd, oblique, etc.

But then Old English/High German meanings don't often hold true these days do they - oh! wait...

When are you being asked to use it?

For me, the general rule with ‘reclaimed’ words is that their use is for the specific groups of people who have reclaimed them.

Well, its become a meaningless word hasn't it? There are loads of straight people who use it now.

So no, I wouldn't use it.