To resist using the word "queer"

[Piapiano]

I am old enough to remember (not even that long ago) when calling someone queer was a massive insult. So I'm really uncomfortable using the word now even though some sections of LGBT+ seem to have reclaimed it. I would feel the same using the "n" word that some sections of black communities (especially in the US) have reclaimed.

I mentioned this to a friend the other day and she seems to think I was being really unreasonable in not accepting it as a perfectly valid word to describe someone's sexuality/sexual preferences (actually not sure what it even is referring to) and that I was somehow bigoted for not feeling comfortable using it.

AIBU?

We’re not talking about school insults though, re “queer”. This was a long-standing historical term of abuse for gay men, and, as a pp said, often accompanied by violence.

I understand that. I'm in my early 30s but grew up in a very homophobic religious environment where 'queer bashing' was seen as acceptable or even to be celebrated.

I still don't think that means that straight people should prioritise their own comfort when talking about another person's sexuality. It comes across as thinking they know better than the LGBT/queer person about that person's own identity.

Would you be happy to call someone an "n" word if that's how they like to refer to themselves?

That's difficult to imagine as there isn't a group of black people asking white people to refer to them by the "n" word.

But I do have a coloured South African colleague and despite my feelings about that word, I do refer to her as coloured, because it's not up to me to define somebody else's identity.

YANBU. It’s a horrible word and it has connotations of weird / odd which just don’t seem appropriate any more. No wonder if used to be an insult. I first came across it in the 1990s in a literary theory class at uni that was about ‘queer theory.’ I’m LGBTQ and I think if people want to call themselves queer then let them but don’t expect me to use it too when I dislike it.

I honestly can't see any time where I'd be comfortable using it. I'm a straight woman, and I won't use the word 'bitch' for broadly the same reason - I don't think it has been 'reclaimed' by the actual people it refers to.

It's not defining someone else's identity to avoid using a word that is sometimes used as an insult or a slur.

Words can evolve though. That’s why using the n word is unacceptable, it’s only ever been used in that one way so could not possibly be used by a white person in any other but a racist way.

Queer used to mean something a bit odd or different, then it was a slur, now it’s no longer a slur. There isn’t really a time when you’ll be forced into using it though so if you don’t want to then just avoid it.

Also in the same vein, ‘gay’ was an insult when I was growing up. If someone did something annoying/embarrassing, people would laugh or sneer and say ‘that’s so gay’ or ‘you’re so gay.’ It was just something nasty that people said.

@Cabinfever10

I am sick and tired of mainly straight people saying that they are queer. It is and always has been a derogatory slur! I don't know any LGB people who actually want it used especially when it's not them who have "reclaimed " it but stonewall (which is now a very homophobic group) that calls them genital fetishism for being same sex attracted instead of same gender attraction

I couldn't agree more

It's interesting to think about what the difference is though. Some black people would never use the n word because its so offensive. Whereas some black people have reclaimed it. But still white people cannot use the term, only black people can, otherwise its offensive (because white people were the original oppressors).

For queer, some people, as shown on this thread, including the LGBT community, would never use the word due to its offensive connotations. Some people in the LGBT community have reclaimed it. Why should non-LGBT people be able to use it if white people can't use the n word, as it is straight people who have oppressed the LGBT community? What is the difference between the two?

If its all about affirming identities, then why should anyone be pressurised to affirm people as queer even if they find the word offensive, but not be allowed to affirm someone's chosen identity of the n word if they feel comfortable to do so? Is it because the n word is just SO offensive?

Just some ponderings before I go to sleep!

I'm in my 40's, bi and don't like it. Makes me cringe tbh.

I know people who identify as queer and conform to the stereotypes - blue hair etc. Which is fine, until they start patronisingly explaining it to me.

I'm gay and I use it, I definitely prefer it to lesbian!

And i don't mind other people using it. Obviously if someone is using it clearly to be insulting thats different. But I still wouldn't take it as one.

I am not sure what queer means. Can anyone tell me? Is it the same as gay? If so, why is it included in LGBTQ?

Some words remain insulting, regardless of attempts to 'reclaim' them. 'Slut' comes to mind. Will we be reclaiming faggot and the 'n' word next?

And it seems to be mostly used by heterosexual people who might have called themselves 'alternative' in previous decades. And those who call people 'folk'.

@Kanaloa

Also in the same vein, ‘gay’ was an insult when I was growing up. If someone did something annoying/embarrassing, people would laugh or sneer and say ‘that’s so gay’ or ‘you’re so gay.’ It was just something nasty that people said.

That was homophobia. Which should be challenged.

Unfortunately it also seems to umbrella fetishes and worse which isn't at all helpful for the gay community.

I’m queer, I’m also brown, I would never put queer in the same bracket as the N word. I also really don’t care what straight people think about queer language, they have no right to police it.

Anyone who identifies as ‘queer’ feel like providing us with their understanding of what it means? A definition?

If you use it to label yourself, then surely you’d be happy to do that.

Language changes and evolves. Look at the word poggers, for example - widely known among younger generations but for many years had no meaning or usage.

In my experience, gay was the word used at school as an insult. Lesbian was spoken in hushed tones. Queer? I honestly don't recall ever hearing it. Now, people in other age groups/ locations might have different experiences - because again, language changes and varies.

For me, if I know someone self-identifies as queer then that's what I think of them as. I wouldn't go using it about any LGBT person though. Gay/lesbian/trans/bi seem like the more 'generic' terms (not the best word for it but too early to think of one).

To be clear, people can’t “reclaim” a word that doesn’t belong to them, and this word certainly doesn’t belong to straight kids who want to be seen as a bit different.

Well how many black people have you met who want white people to ‘affirm their identity’ by calling them the n word? I’m guessing none. It isn’t a comparable situation.

That was homophobia. Which should be challenged.

I wasn’t saying it wasn’t homophobic. I was saying the misuse of a label as an insult doesn’t make the word wrong, it makes the behaviour wrong. Obviously it was an insult when I was at school, but I wouldn’t now refuse to use the word gay because I have heard it used as an insult.

@Kanaloa

Words can evolve though. That’s why using the n word is unacceptable, it’s only ever been used in that one way so could not possibly be used by a white person in any other but a racist way.

Queer used to mean something a bit odd or different, then it was a slur, now it’s no longer a slur. There isn’t really a time when you’ll be forced into using it though so if you don’t want to then just avoid it.

It is definitely still considered a slur by many lesbian women and gay men. For that reason I won’t use the word.

YANBU OP.

It’s not being used in the same context in my opinion.

Old version - used in the following ‘you f q pedo’ accompanied accompanied by a kick to the head. Also used in the phrase -Q bashing’

New version - ‘ooooh yes! Miss Flashy Da Arse you are ga-bu-lusssss you Queen, grllllllllll’ and pop stars/actors in opposite sex relationships attempting to sound ‘hip’.

So it’s not even ‘but the community are reclaiming it!’. It’s cuckoos stealing it, despite being told that it’s a slur.

And as for comparing it to the N word - well you try yelling (if you are not black to your black next door neighbour) ‘hey! Phil, how are you n***’ and see how well that goes down. Then say ‘but I identify as black’. Then call his granny the same word. Nope. It the same thing as well.

It’s perfectly possible to be straight and queer. For example you can be asexual and straight. You can be trans and straight. Queer is an umbrella term for someone who is part of the LGBT+, that’s all.

Queer used to mean gay. You can say the word gay and lesbian. Why is a straight person in the LGB group?

Queer seems to be a byword for - sassy, outrageous, gobby, flamboyant - it’s seems to be more of behaviour and a desperate ‘IM NOT BORING, DONT CALL ME VANILLA’