To resist using the word "queer"

[Piapiano]

I am old enough to remember (not even that long ago) when calling someone queer was a massive insult. So I'm really uncomfortable using the word now even though some sections of LGBT+ seem to have reclaimed it. I would feel the same using the "n" word that some sections of black communities (especially in the US) have reclaimed.

I mentioned this to a friend the other day and she seems to think I was being really unreasonable in not accepting it as a perfectly valid word to describe someone's sexuality/sexual preferences (actually not sure what it even is referring to) and that I was somehow bigoted for not feeling comfortable using it.

AIBU?

I asked DS2 (14 and bisexual) what he thought he said "it's offensive because queer means weird and being bi doesn't make me weird. It makes me bi"
He then "I I weird. But not because I'm bi. I'm just weird". TBF he is a total weirdo (tongue tongue cheek. Meant affectionately)

My best friend otoh refers to her relationship as a queer relationship. And that's her perogative.

I still see it as an offensive term as it was when i was at school. I'm 37 if that's relevant.

Queer is an umbrella term for sexual and gender minorities.
Basically if you're not sure where you are on the sexuality spectrum (ie gay, bi, pan etc) then you can identify as queer. It can also be used to not disclose exactly what your sexuality is, so if you don't want people to know if you're gay, bi etc you would use queer. It's been likened to using Ms instead of Miss or Mrs.

Some people prefer being called queer rather than gay, bi, etc. In that case I think it would be a bit off for you to refuse to describe them as queer, but I can’t see how often it would really come up.

FWIW I have heard ‘gay’ being used as an insult far more often than I’ve heard ‘queer’ being used at all. Although the history of slurs is complicated, I don’t think having heard it being used as an insult is a reason to avoid using it for people who have reclaimed it.

I’m a lesbian and personally don’t mind being described as queer, but I know a lot of other lesbians or LGBT people do, so I would never use it unless I knew that’s how the other person wanted to be addressed.

I think you should respect that it's been reclaimed, which means not telling other people they can't use it or being dismissive of the fact that some people do use that as an identifier and there are have been people reclaiming it for as long as it has been a slur.

When I was a teen 'gay' was the go too casual insult, but that doesn't mean I can go around telling gay people that they need to use another word for themselves or that I won't acknowledge that is how they would describe themselves.

Think hard about why you have a problem with 'queer' in particular when pretty much every term under the LGBT+ umbrella has been used as a slur as some point.

Not really seeing the problem. If you don't really to use "queer" then use a different word.

I wouldn't use it unless someone from that community referred to themselves as that

Of the people I know who call themselves queer, many are transgender; but of the “old school” of trans thought where they don’t believe that their surgery or hormones have actually turned them into the opposite sex. So if they are female-born but now live and pass as men, they don’t consider either straight or lesbian or gay to accurately describe their sexuality.

Or, they are people who are attracted to people who are the above, and who also don’t consider straight, lesbian or gay to accurately describe the nuance of being somebody who is attracted to somebody who is biologically male or female but does not live or look as their biological sex.

I'd have thought the simplest thing if you feel uncomfortable using the word is to not use it. It's like with the F-word (not "fuck") or the N-word - I don't feel comfortable using them even if other people happily refer to themselves as that. So I don't use them. I don't think that makes me a bigot.

It’s not really up to you though, is it? You being a bit uncomfortable doesn’t trump somebody else’s right to determine how their sexuality is recognised.

When I hear queer it makes me think of people who want to be seen as part of the LGB community but aren't L, G or B. I say that as one of those letters.
I'm sure there are people who use the term differently but it's the image it conjours up for me.

Gay and lesbian friends of mine absolutely hate it as it was used as a slur against them when they were younger.

The only friend or acquaintance of mine who uses it as a self-descriptor a bisexual gender-studies lecturer in her 50s who is very TWAW.

I certainly wouldn't use it.

@DisappearingGirl

I'm more irritated that some people seem to be identifying as queer when they are not actually gay (or bi, or trans). Looking at you, cool young celebrities!

As far as I can tell they are simply identifying as "a bit alternative" or even as "wanting to be a bit special but not sure how".

But maybe I am just old and grumpy!!

THIS.

I'm in my early 60s, a lesbian and old enough to remember very well that "queer" was usually accompanied - for men at least - with assault.

MOST of the people "reclaiming" this word are just heterosexuals with blue hair and sometimes kinks or fetishes.

There's no requirement to refer to anyone as queer so I wouldn't worry about it. I really dislike the word myself but I understand that some people find it useful.

My Nan used the word queer all the time purely to describe something odd. She’d be vilified for using it now as people no doubt would misunderstand her.
The same as her friend called Gay. Don’t suppose that would be allowed either.
They are words and people get so hung up on them

Like a pp I wonder how often you would ever need to use it?

I encounter the word relatively frequently but only ever used by people who use it to identify themselves. Very occasionally the academic term 'queer theory' comes up in my work and I would use the phrase then. I'd also use it if someone had explicitly asked me to but how often do you find yourself needing to describe someone else's sexuality to a third party?

Now used by straight males to appropriate gay oppression so no one questions them when they call lesbians bigots and phobes for not being sexually attracted to their penis.

Also heard it used by priviliged straight students who think they are special and have no clue what used to happen to gay men when it was actually illegal to be gay.

@Whatsnewpussyhat

Now used by straight males to appropriate gay oppression so no one questions them when they call lesbians bigots and phobes for not being sexually attracted to their penis.

Also heard it used by priviliged straight students who think they are special and have no clue what used to happen to gay men when it was actually illegal to be gay.

ABSOLUTELY THIS.

It's an insult IMO, it means strange.

I can't imagine ever having to refer to someone else's sexuality anyway. It doesn't come up in conversation.

My wife (in a same sex marriage) describes herself as queer, I describe myself as gay - both of these are fine, as it’s up to us what we describe ourselves as. I have only ever identified as gay since I understood myself, she is not gay as she can be attracted to men (and has been in relationships with men).

Agree that in the last 15 years I have heard gay used as an insult far far more than queer.

Words change. Describing an effeminate man as a queer in a derogatory way (or gay, or see also f-word) = not ok. Describing somebody in the right context as queer or gay because that’s how they identify = ok. It’s not really very difficult.

I don't like it either. Fwiw, I'm technically 'queer' as people use it these days and I don't mind when people use it with good intentions but it is jarring when I remember it as quite a vicious homophobic insult.

It’s totally fine for you not to use it, so long as you don’t bother those of us that do.

It's definitely been appropriated by people that it was definitely not directed at in the past and for that reason I cringe a bit when I hear it now. I agree it is largely becoming meaningless now and is just a way for certain people to identify into a certain group, in the way that young people tend to do.

I was born in the 70s it has moved through use in my life from my grandparents meaning something or someone was odd or unusual to my parents using it as a snide awful insult to my daughter's seeing it as a way to shorthand describe either non heteronormative nor gender normative.

I avoid using the word. My sister in law calls herself queer we are similar ages and both bisexual, see ourselves as women but don't perhaps 'adhere' to some feminine gender norms.

To be frank though, noone has ever challenged my non use of the word as I tend to be quite factual. Sister in law is more expressive and enjoys change to language.

No one is "making" me use the word, it just came up in conversation about style and language as my friend and I do similar jobs in publishing. It was the fact that she kind of recoiled from me when I said I felt uncomfortable using it and seemed to suggest I was somehow narrow minded or bigoted for not feeling comfortable using the term.

I'm not going to tell anyone else not to use it, I just don't like hearing it or using it as it sounds like an insult to me. As I said, same as using the "n" word would.

My friend is straight, married, not alternative in any way but also very woke. I was just wondering if I am way behind the times or if other people feel the same as me.

I'm queer. Unless you want me to describe what does and doesn't make my vagina moist, whilst explaining how I do or don't feel about my gender, and so on.

Gay was always used more than queer as an insult where I grew up, but once gay people reclaimed the word and lesbians started using the term gay for themselves too, it became quite powerless.

That's all that's happening to the word queer. Those of us who use it and are happy or proud or in circumstances where it's safe to say so, are reclaiming it and making it powerless as an insult.

Nobody has to use it if they don't want to. And if it doesn't apply to you or you don't feel it does, then great. Cool.