To resist using the word "queer"

[Piapiano]

I am old enough to remember (not even that long ago) when calling someone queer was a massive insult. So I'm really uncomfortable using the word now even though some sections of LGBT+ seem to have reclaimed it. I would feel the same using the "n" word that some sections of black communities (especially in the US) have reclaimed.

I mentioned this to a friend the other day and she seems to think I was being really unreasonable in not accepting it as a perfectly valid word to describe someone's sexuality/sexual preferences (actually not sure what it even is referring to) and that I was somehow bigoted for not feeling comfortable using it.

AIBU?

@Thatsjustwhatithink

I've never heard a gay man or gay woman/lesbian refer to themselves in this way.

Usually it's people that aren't in same sex relationships/haven't had same sex sexual experiences, but have dyed their hair blue or think they're breaking barriers that rockstars in the 60s broke down with make up or clothing....and for sone reason think that somehow that's related to their sexuality and so call themselves 'queer'

A lot of my lesbian friends and acquaintance used to refer to themselves and one another as ‘queer’ back in the 1990s, but it’s not a word I use, even around people who use it as a neutral descriptor.

@owlbethere

It’s perfectly possible to be straight and queer. For example you can be asexual and straight. You can be trans and straight. Queer is an umbrella term for someone who is part of the LGBT+, that’s all.

So a straight person who doesn’t like sex, is now queer?! 😂 fuck me. Kids really have zero understanding of why the LGB community was needed in the first place.

I used to go to gay clubs in the 80s when I was a student. I never heard the word said (apart from maybe yelled in a fight). My sister would probably nut me if I called her that!

I grew up reading Enid Blyton books. Queer meant weird, strange, unexpected. It feels unnatural to use it in relation to a person, like an insult.

Nowt as queer as folks. Old saying meaning people are weird. Definitely sounds an insult.

I refuse to use it. It's meaningless. Everyone I work with is around a decade younger than me and refer to themselves as queer. No idea wtf they mean really because they aren't gay/bi/trans etc. Just seems to be the in thing of look at me look at me I'm sooooo special.

These kids actually think that being misgendered is the height of abuse. If that the case then I guess I should be happy that their lives are so easy.

@KittenKong

These kids actually think that being misgendered is the height of abuse. If that the case then I guess I should be happy that their lives are so easy.

Yeah, they’re an incredibly privileged generation who are desperate to find some way they’re oppressed. Almost amusingly, the one way girls are oppressed today, is by the horrific porn they’re growing up with, but thanks to the outrage at “kink shaming”, they have to be cool and embrace all that shit.

I wouldn;t use it personally, but remember when the word started to be "reclaimed" in the late 80's. Most people I know would use the term LGB
LBBT etc.
How often can it come up in conversation???

‘And it’s still LGB to meeeee’ (Billy Joel)

I'm a gay woman, a lesbian and I'd not be pleased if anyone referred to me as queer. I get that some people are ok with that, but it'd be a risky move to use it in everyday language, unless someone is referring to themselves using that term. To be honest, if someone wanted me to refer to them as queer I'd just not. Maybe in a decade or so I'll think differently, but for now, all it is is an insulting term because of how I've heard it used throughout my life.

@YoungForever

I'm a gay woman, a lesbian and I'd not be pleased if anyone referred to me as queer. I get that some people are ok with that, but it'd be a risky move to use it in everyday language, unless someone is referring to themselves using that term. To be honest, if someone wanted me to refer to them as queer I'd just not. Maybe in a decade or so I'll think differently, but for now, all it is is an insulting term because of how I've heard it used throughout my life.

But then you can't be cross if people don't refer to you the way you want if you won't refer to them the way they want?

Not if the word is so offensive you can’t even say it.

I would never use it. It was most definitely an insult and slur when I was younger.

So if someone said "please stop referring to me gay/lesbian/bi as it makes me uncomfortable. Can you please refer to me as queer from now on?" You'd point blank refuse?

Yes. Yes I would refuse.

You can’t make someone say a word that makes you feel uncomfortable. And why would someone want you to say it (and in what circumstances?)

I certainly wouldn't use it to describe a person for the reasons you stated, but I might use it to describe something that was odd.

Heard it used very occasionally by members of the gay community to describe themselves, but it is not widely used, and I would avoid it.

@KittenKong

Yes. Yes I would refuse.

You can’t make someone say a word that makes you feel uncomfortable. And why would someone want you to say it (and in what circumstances?)

I have no idea, that was my original question on this thread. But so many people are up in arms that they refuse to use the word regardless so I'm asking, in a situation where someone asked to you stop referring to them as A and asked to be B instead. Which you replied that you would refuse. So to you, your comfort in saying a word trump's their identity.

Not using a word you feel uncomfortable with is not the same as insisting on using a word that you feel comfortable with (that they may not).

I am responsible for what comes out of my mouth and will not be bullied/compelled into saying something that I find deeply offensive. It’s not the same as insisting on calling someone an outdated slur.

I can’t actually imagine any circumstance when i would have to refer to someone in that way anyway.

@Thatsjustwhatithink

I've never heard a gay man or gay woman/lesbian refer to themselves in this way.

Usually it's people that aren't in same sex relationships/haven't had same sex sexual experiences, but have dyed their hair blue or think they're breaking barriers that rockstars in the 60s broke down with make up or clothing....and for sone reason think that somehow that's related to their sexuality and so call themselves 'queer'

Some of my gay women friends prefer to be referred to as queer because it doesn't have the camp connotations that some people associate with "gay".

But I concede that they may not be a representative group. One of them likes to refer to herself as a "rugmuncher"!

I think it's just kind of polite to describe people as they want to be described, really.

I do get that it's hard to keep up with changing nomenclature sometimes. I'm so old that I can remember when "black" was offensive and "coloured" was the polite word for people of colour!

@Brainwave89

Heard it used very occasionally by members of the gay community to describe themselves, but it is not widely used, and I would avoid it.

I live near Brighton. "Queer" is widely used round my way.

I was watching the new series of Sex Education the other day when the (female) NB character told the boy they was developing a relationship with that if they had a relationship it would be 'Queer'.

And I thought that was such a fucking ridiculous scenario. Especially after he got all introspective and 'maybe I am prejudiced' and then chatted to his lesbian mum about it I reckon she could have told him a bit about the word queer and about prejudice that would have had nothing to do with this putative heterosexual relationship

@Biancadelrioisback

So if someone said "please stop referring to me gay/lesbian/bi as it makes me uncomfortable. Can you please refer to me as queer from now on?" You'd point blank refuse?

I would have to. I am not comfortable using that word. I’d have to just avoid referring to their sexuality or even just say “your sexuality” to reach some kind of compromise.

But q isn’t about sexuality. The umbrella is so wide it covers most of the population these days.

It’s an insult, it was never used as an affectionate descriptor. It has been stolen, repackaged and promoted by those pushing the q theory.

@KittenKong

But q isn’t about sexuality. The umbrella is so wide it covers most of the population these days.

It’s an insult, it was never used as an affectionate descriptor. It has been stolen, repackaged and promoted by those pushing the q theory.

Have to disagree with the latter view. It was taken mainstream as a community-reclaimed term in 1998 by Queer as Folk, which had nothing to do with “queer theory” or trans issues, and used throughout The L Word, which also focussed on lesbian (and gay) sexualities.