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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no visitors for Christmas dinner?

77 replies

Debbiebarkle · 05/10/2021 08:21

My family have never invited/made us Christmas dinner since we started our family 8 years ago. But there's an expectation for them to come to ours if we're having it at home.

My grandmother expects it every year and declines all other invites from othe people, patiently awaiting her invite from us and if we don't invite, she eventually asks. My mother lives 100 miles away and will visit the whole family at Christmas time- my siblings, itger grandchildren and my grandmother and will assume she's having Christmas dinner with us on the years we don't go to my inlaws. My siblings never invite my mum for Christmas dinner. My Dad is really difficult to cater for and is separated from my mum- they seem to hate each other so if I invite one but not the other, there's a massive undercurrent of annoyance and resentment.

My mum always says she'll help with the dinner but is always running late frok visiting other family members so doesn't. Frankly, I'm fed up of being in the kitchen on Christmas day when we don't go to my inlaws and missing out on my young children. I'm stuck in the kitchen most years and I'm also tired of entertaining my family who never offer to cook Christmas dinner for us.

My mum and grandmother have already assumed they're coming over for Christmas again this year and I'd just like a year of not having to worry about entertaining anyone, not worrying about offending anyone and having a turkey sandwich for lunch instead, should we want to! We probably will have a proper Christmas dinner but I just don't want the pressure of having to have one.

My inlaws never pressure for coming to us for Christmas dinner and will offer to cook a nice meal for us sone years, but my family are takers and I'm a bit fed up of it.

AIBU to say nobody for Christmas dinner? Even if my mum has travelled to visit everyone on the day? I know that if we don't ask her to come for dinner, nobody will but that's wgere it begins to snowball and others want to come too. Before you know it, we're saying "another won't hurt" but actually it does and it's draining.

OP posts:
ACNHMAMA · 05/10/2021 08:23

Just tell them now, you're not having anyone around for Christmas day.

MagnoliaBeige · 05/10/2021 08:25

Just tell them now “we’re not hosting anyone this year”, plenty of time for them to make other arrangements!

tranquillitybase · 05/10/2021 08:28

Tell them now! Give them plenty of time to make other arrangements- just say you're having a quiet Christmas playing with the children (maybe meet your mum out for lunch a day or two before to exchange gifts)

BigSandyBalls2015 · 05/10/2021 08:28

What happened last year?

FangsForTheMemory · 05/10/2021 08:28

Why not book a nice restaurant for yourselves on Christmas Day?

TaRaLa · 05/10/2021 08:30

Tell them now. Plenty of time to organise and have the Christmas you want with your family. Life’s too short

Takenoprisoner · 05/10/2021 08:51

@MagnoliaBeige

Just tell them now “we’re not hosting anyone this year”, plenty of time for them to make other arrangements!
This. Hosting should be enjoyable for both parties. And often reciprocated.
violetbunny · 05/10/2021 08:53

YANBU. Tell them you're having Xmas on your own this year.

NatashaRf · 05/10/2021 09:01

Yup just say now you're having a quiet one.

The restaurant idea is great.

If you have family difficult enough even lie and say you're eating out.

We have always been pretty strict with Christmases alone. Made sure to not see either side of the family on the 25th for DCs first Christmases so no expectations got made for subsequent years.

Sure it rocked some boats (mainly my dad and DH mum) but ultimately we had Christmas Days to look forward to and relax and enjoy during.

Mulhollandmagoo · 05/10/2021 09:10

I feel you OP, my family are similar - lots of people take but don't seem to want to give back in return, and things are very much expected and we tend to stick to the status quo for a quiet life.

Last year we were expected to break the covid rules but we said no, and we were badgered and badgered and badgered but luckily, I got a ping from the test and trace app on Christmas eve so everyone stayed away and it was amazing, I have mentioned to my mum that we are having Christmas day alone again but it doesn't seem to have registered with her - so I know I need to be more direct. I know the general advice on here for you will be just to tell them, but in this situation its easier said than done, you will feel much better once its done though and you're not stewing on it

FatBettyintheCoop · 05/10/2021 09:14

Definitely have Christmas Day on your own if that’s what you want. Just make sure you tell your family members very clearly that’s what you’ll be doing and don’t let them try to brow beat you.

I’m in the opposite camp as we don’t have any family to invite so it’s always just the three of us. It might be nice to occasionally have people to cook for, other than my two who won’t eat a Christmas dinner anyway, so I have to cook/make them something else.

My dream is to one day go to a nice restaurant on my own for Christmas dinner. Blush

EdgeOfTheSky · 05/10/2021 09:21

YANBU… except that the ILs host you every other year and don’t ever get a return invite?

Just tell your Mum and Gmother and siblings that you aren’t doing a Christmas dinner this year.

Original poster
Debbiebarkle · 05/10/2021 09:25

We reciprocated the year before last @edgeofthesky and with both families. I'd just had a baby a few months previous and it broke me.

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 05/10/2021 09:26

I think you have to tell your mum and gran that you are not entertaining anyone this Christmas Day, as soon as possible, but be prepared for them to keep asking in the hope that you’ll change your mind. What you could offer, is for mum and gran to come for a pre Christmas meal instead, say mid December so that you can exchange gifts and spend time together. You must stand firm if they try to persuade you to let them come on Christmas Day, you just repeat that you are not cooking a dinner because you are spending the time playing with your DC and enjoying not slaving in the kitchen. If they don’t want to do the pre Christmas meal, at least you will have offered.

Why on earth does your mum run around seeing everyone else on Christmas Day? Sounds bonkers to me.

BeetyAxe · 05/10/2021 09:26

I would just pretend you were invited to in-laws and then secretly spend it alone, saves all the hassle of annoying anyone or anything. This will only work if no-one will be able to see from the street that you’re in.

Snoken · 05/10/2021 09:27

@EdgeOfTheSky

YANBU… except that the ILs host you every other year and don’t ever get a return invite?

Just tell your Mum and Gmother and siblings that you aren’t doing a Christmas dinner this year.

Yea, exactly. Where is the reciprocation there?

I do agree though that everyone should help out at Christmas, except maybe your grandmother depending on age/ability. For me Christmas is all about being together with the ones you love, and food comes secondary to that. Why don't you just suggest everyone bring a dish or two instead and you won't need to do all the cooking?

TheKeatingFive · 05/10/2021 09:28

What everyone else said. Do what you want to do. Make it clear to everyone now.

Practicebeingpatient · 05/10/2021 09:28

I love hosting Christmas dinner for as many people as possible. I know the food will be great, the wine will flow and I will be able to have an early night while the high kinks continue downstairs. I would be most put out if one of our family decided to invite us to theirs instead. Hopefully it won't ever happen!

However I realise that's just me. If you want to just have a low key one this year I agree with PP. Text them now saying something like you've decided to do something different for Christmas so won't be hosting Christmas lunch. You are letting them know early so they can make their own plans. Then stand firm about just wanting a change this year.

Practicebeingpatient · 05/10/2021 09:30

Lol at my post above. There will be high JINKS downstairs after I've gone to bed not high kinks. Given that the gathering is all close family any high kinks would be very kinky indeed.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/10/2021 09:30

Why isn't your DH mucking in? Sounds like you're running round doing everything and he's just sat there.

But Yy, tell them now and tell your siblings - ideally together so they all know everyone knows.
After last year, we're keeping Christmas to just me, Don and Perry this year, Mom you're welcome to visit before 11, it'll be lovely for you to have dinner with Sandra or Peter I'm sure

Or tell them you're going to in-laws and then say on the day you didn't feel up to it etc if you can't face the backlash

MyVaginaHatesMe · 05/10/2021 09:31

This is me! There's 12 of us immediate family and that's not including partners.

We've booked the closest restaurant and I sent a group msg saying this is what tome were going and this is where, if you'd like to join us great if not that's fine too.

My parents have booked along with my grandmother. My siblings didn't even reply.

TinaYouFatLard · 05/10/2021 09:32

Are you talking about two extra people? Your mother and grandmother?

If so, I think you are being mean and melodramatic. You get hosted at your in-laws so you clearly aren’t slaving away EVERY year. Cooking for two extra people is nothing. Your mother and grandmother won’t be around forever.

TerribleZebra · 05/10/2021 09:33

We went to New York one Christmas just to make a point 😂. We had a lovely time and it worked! Extreme response but if you can afford it and Covid isn't restricting travel I'd recommend it.

billy1966 · 05/10/2021 09:33

Make it clear you are NOT having visitors this year.

No explanation other than it doesn't work for you.

You are being used.

Stand up for yourself.

Entertaining people you don't want ruins Christmas for so many.

NO ONE is entitled to Christmas lunch in YOUR home.

Over the past 10 years so many of my friends have bailed after su king it up for years.

Christmas lunch for loads of people IS a lot of work, especially if no one helps.

Sod that.

Tell them NO, don't apologise.

Doesn't sound as if you like them much.

It may be selfish of me, but there is no way I would spend Christmas day catering for people who I didn't love VERY much.

Flowers
Cookerhood · 05/10/2021 09:35

My in laws have never invited us in 35 years & always assume they are coming to us. It wasn't so bad when my parents were alive (they hosted until we had our family) but now we have fewer ties it's more annoying. The first year after my parents died we went away as I wanted it to be different & then 2 years ago we did the same because we went & stayed near our son as he was working Christmas Eve & boxing day. I think they now realise they aren't going to be invited every year. Still haven't invited us though...